Water Lily Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I've been with my boyfriend for three years (living together for half that amount of time). This is my first long-term relationship. Previously, my relationships lasted anywhere from 3-6 months. So I don't have a real point of comparison for anything outside of the endorphine-rush phase. I feel a great deal of love, affection, and comfort for my boyfriend. I am also attracted to him -- he is handsome, romantically inclined, and a very skilled lover. But I've noticed myself getting hit by little crushes on other men. I'm not worried about attraction to other people -- I am human, after all -- but rather how enlivening it feels. For those of you in healthy long-term relationships, can you relate at all to this? When I make love to the boyfriend, I feel a warmth and gentle heat that is beautiful, but at the same time, a departure from heady passion. Meaning, it takes longer for me to get turned on, while previously -- in the first two years -- just a dirty phrase or touch could do it. I am crazy about this man, but feel guilty that eye contact from a casual aquaitance can somehow provoke an unexpected spark. This is not about wanting an open relationship, or wanting to leave my boyfriend. I would just appreciate hearing other peoples' experiences. Is it natural for me (the woman) to take longer to get excited with a long-term partner? Does attraction with intimacy feel categorically different (ie, more emotional, but not as much of a "rip your clothes off" experience?) Thank you.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 At some point, if the relationship is healthy, the intimacy drives the desire, rather than the reverse. IMO, the 'butterflies' are there to get you to that point. If, at that point, there's nada, there's nada. Whether that's a sign of one's own psychology or the dynamic of the relationship is situational. I've heard that 'butterfly' thing from women a lot in my prior job as tampon. Now I just tell them to look in the mirror. That's where the butterflies are
xxoo Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Is it natural for me (the woman) to take longer to get excited with a long-term partner? Does attraction with intimacy feel categorically different (ie, more emotional, but not as much of a "rip your clothes off" experience?) Thank you. Yes, all of this sounds normal to me. In my LTR, it is common for me to get into bed lukewarm (or even room temp), but wanting to connect sexually. We manage to create the heat together
ComeUndone Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 At some point, if the relationship is healthy, the intimacy drives the desire, rather than the reverse. IMO, the 'butterflies' are there to get you to that point. If, at that point, there's nada, there's nada. Whether that's a sign of one's own psychology or the dynamic of the relationship is situational. I've heard that 'butterfly' thing from women a lot in my prior job as tampon. Now I just tell them to look in the mirror. That's where the butterflies are I love the way you put things Carhill... that the intimacy drives the desire rather than the reverse explains it perfectly! but... "You're job as "tampon"??"
carhill Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 tampon aka platonic male friend aka girlfriend with a penis.
Author Water Lily Posted March 14, 2010 Author Posted March 14, 2010 Thank you for your replies. Based on my past short relationships, I'm just used to immediately melting (getting super turned on from kissing). Now after 3 years, while it still feels good and gives me this feeling of connection with my partner, I don't get that electricity (spark?) that I used to. I get really aroused when we kiss passionately during sex, but if we're just making out before, it just feels nice. Normal?
sally4sara Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I think I know what you mean. The urgency has worn off. And maybe I'm weird or most folks can't identify where the feeling comes from, but I feel a large part of my enjoyment of sex is how much enjoyment my partner derives from my physical self. I guess in a way I'm saying if he is really into it it makes me feel attractive and this makes me enjoy it more and want it more often. But it is natural that after monogamy sets in, part of the urgency is lessened. I mean, you KNOW you can have sex with them whenever you want, so there is no reason to really be urgent about it. Not like before anyway. So you gotta always jump on it when the mood strikes you . Keeps it hot. And sometime you do run into someone that you know if were single, you would def be into. Little insta-crushes can happen. But here's the thing, you don't know what lies behind the pretty face - promise you there is someone who isn't so urgent about them anymore too. And that is if you're lucky. They could be some closet (enter personal repulsion here) or just horrid in some way.
xxoo Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 Thank you for your replies. Based on my past short relationships, I'm just used to immediately melting (getting super turned on from kissing). Now after 3 years, while it still feels good and gives me this feeling of connection with my partner, I don't get that electricity (spark?) that I used to. I get really aroused when we kiss passionately during sex, but if we're just making out before, it just feels nice. Normal? yes, normal. But it isn't always that way in a LTR. There are times when the "electricity" of just kissing comes back....after one partner takes a trip, when the sex drive returns after recovering from birth, and sometimes just when I'm ovulating , simply kissing can have that "spark". But usually kissing is just really nice connection that could lead to more with some more foreplay.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 yes, normal. But it isn't always that way in a LTR. There are times when the "electricity" of just kissing comes back....after one partner takes a trip, when the sex drive returns after recovering from birth, and sometimes just when I'm ovulating , simply kissing can have that "spark". Excellent point! I agree with all of your examples... 5 kids later, lol!
spriggig Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 You're in a rut. Distance makes the heart grow fonder--back off for awhile. Try new things--Google it and educate yourself. TALK to him, he needs WORDS to understand how you're feeling and what you want--he won't get it if you just sigh and stomp around or whatever. Trust that he wants to do better in this area but just doesn't know what to do or say. Don't wait, it won't get better with time. Do all of this now.
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