Why can't exes be honest when we know the truth?

[AgeOfUninnocence]

I'll admit, I don't actually know the WHOLE story, but thanks to my superior facebook creeping skills, I'm pretty sure I have a good indication with me and my ex.

 

He broke up with me one day totally out of the blue, and in the next two days, his facebook had his relationship status, 'looking for', and 'interested in' completely hidden. Which I found a little odd. Why hide them all? Two weeks later I found out from mutual friends that he had a new girlfriend, and he'd been intending to tell me in person and in the meantime he was hiding it on facebook.

 

Now that I know, his new relationship status is back on facebook, and 'looking for' and 'interested in' have reappeared as well, which means he's been hiding his whole relationship section since around 2 days after our breakup. Also, his facebook news feed reads that "Ex went from being in a relationship to being single." Then it says he became a fan of something. And then immediately after it goes, "Ex went from being single to in a relationship." So it's all within two days that this happened.

 

When I found out about the girlfriend, I let impulses get the better of me and told the ex that he could have just been honest and told me he was leaving me for someone else. He then proceded to tell me that he didn't leave me for someone else, that somebody else just "happened" afterwards. I told him that since we were already broken up, he might as well just tell me that he decided to leave me for somebody else. He kept denying it, went on to say again that I'm a wonderful person who he really really wants to be friends with. I told him he was only saying that because he feels guilty and wants to make himself feel better. He said he's not like anyone else, and that all the stuff about him saying nice things because he is feeling guilty is BS advice, because he truly wants to be my friend and thinks I'm a great person.

 

I later texted him and let him know that relationships don't just "happen" right after you dump someone. He said, "Think whatever you want, I'm not willing to argue with you anymore."

 

So my question is, why can't my ex just come clean and be honest with me? I'm already "saving" him the hard work of having to say he left me for someone else, he just has to be honest and agree. It just makes no sense to me, why keep denying truth?

 

Cause if he's being honest and saying he truly didn't leave me for her, well, he sure is in some shady rebound right now... :-P

[threebyfate]

For certain I'm not saying the following is right or ethical behaviour but take a look at it from a more selfish perspective.

 

What does he gain from being honest?

[GrayClouds]

 

So my question is, why can't my ex just come clean and be honest with me? I'm already "saving" him the hard work of having to say he left me for someone else, he just has to be honest and agree. It just makes no sense to me, why keep denying truth?

 

Cause if he's being honest and saying he truly didn't leave me for her, well, he sure is in some shady rebound right now... :-P

 

Why do you need confirmation so bad. need him to validate he treated you like crap. Does it feel better to pick the scab? The last thing I would want is any conversation with this guy.

 

Just tighten up you big girl panties and go NC (that includes no more Facy-Facebook stalking), focus on yourself, and move on.

 

You know you deserve better, time to behave like you do.

 

PS any relationship that requires you to have superior creeping skills is one that you should have walked away long time ago.

Edited March 10, 2010 by GrayClouds

[AgeOfUninnocence]

For certain I'm not saying the following is right or ethical behaviour but take a look at it from a more selfish perspective.

 

What does he gain from being honest?

Nothing really. There is nothing to gain from him being honest. But there's certainly nothing to gain from not being honest, cause I'm sure as hell not talking to him again now (If anything, this just encourages my NC).

 

During the course of the relationship, he always said stuff like "I'd never lie to you" and to be fair, he never did. He knew I didn't approve of him smoking pot, and when he did, he'd always admit it to me even though he knew it made both of us feel bad.

 

I guess this is just me not understanding why you would lie to someone. Because if someone thought I left them for someone else, I would tell them I did. But then again, I would never leave someone for someone else in the first place.

[WSeeker]

Well i did the same thing. My ex left me and 2 weeks later she was is a relationship with a new guy. Obviously she left me for him. When i asked her she denied everything, but it was too obvious for me. I did some research and found out that if someone leaves you and immediately enters a new relationship, he was waiting for someone new to appear and was bored in the old relationship.

 

After i finished talking with my ex a realized some things. It is totally unimportant what she says because i know the pattern. She may deny it but she did nevertheless. Words are not that important, deeds are more important. 3 months later she broke up with that guy and is rebounding ever since. Its gonna happen to your ex very likely. You'll hear from him trust me.

 

So if you know that he left you for some other girl why bother asking and reasoning with him? You don't need his honesty do know what he did and why.

[threebyfate]

Nothing really. There is nothing to gain from him being honest. But there's certainly nothing to gain from not being honest, cause I'm sure as hell not talking to him again now (If anything, this just encourages my NC).

 

During the course of the relationship, he always said stuff like "I'd never lie to you" and to be fair, he never did. He knew I didn't approve of him smoking pot, and when he did, he'd always admit it to me even though he knew it made both of us feel bad.

 

I guess this is just me not understanding why you would lie to someone. Because if someone thought I left them for someone else, I would tell them I did. But then again, I would never leave someone for someone else in the first place.

What he has to gain from lying to you, is that he can appear to be a relatively decent person, whether just with you so he can limit the drama, or with your social network of friends, which would limit the drama.

[Rylle]

What he has to gain from lying to you, is that he can appear to be a relatively decent person, whether just with you so he can limit the drama, or with your social network of friends, which would limit the drama.

 

agree with this, and also because he's a coward and he's choosing to do what's easy for him (just like he did when he dumped you and didn't tell you the real reason then). YOU think the easy thing for him to do is be honest, but it's absolutely not.

[nobmagnet]

Hello darling:love:

 

Imo he doesnt want too look the bad guy. Admittance would make him lose face and of cause there is the "re-writing of relationship history" to boot love.

 

My advise would be to accept he did. Try not to dwell on the fact (not easy) You unfortunately might never find out for sure as many on here dont either.

 

Questions How Why When How long ?? we never really ever get to know.

 

I caught my lowly Worm "Red Handed" so to speak. Found the e.mails confronted him with them and he didnt deny it. I asked the How, why,when.how long ect. He did reply. didnt beleive much of what the tosser said but i was lucky to be able to ask.

 

I dont want to make you scared but you do need to ask him the very real and important question:mad:.........."Did you used protection, I only ask because i am sure you wouldnt want to put my health at risk"

 

Now im sorry but is a curve ball question because he might be so shocked that he says "Of cause I did" then you have your answer. But IMO please get checked out love. i had to. Peace of mind.

 

 

Love n hugs

 

Nobbyxx:love:

[Ingenue]

I think we all like to think that our exes are relatively decent human beings. I at least did. But when I found that out after 6 months NC that my ex was dating a new woman within a few days of dumping me by email, it was an awakening that my ex was a complete coward. Rather than telling the truth, he weaseled his way out of a relationship, doing once again what was best for him.

 

For you, it shouldn't matter anymore that he started dating a woman two days after breaking it off with you. Consider yourself lucky that you're no longer involved with a man who always puts his self-interest and selfishness before anybody but himself. It's much easier for him to lie to make things "easier". It's less explaining and he can maintain his sense of decency inwardly at least to himself and outwardly to his friends.

[SummerLady]

I'll admit, I don't actually know the WHOLE story, but thanks to my superior facebook creeping skills, I'm pretty sure I have a good indication with me and my ex.

 

He broke up with me one day totally out of the blue, and in the next two days, his facebook had his relationship status, 'looking for', and 'interested in' completely hidden. Which I found a little odd. Why hide them all? Two weeks later I found out from mutual friends that he had a new girlfriend, and he'd been intending to tell me in person and in the meantime he was hiding it on facebook.

 

Now that I know, his new relationship status is back on facebook, and 'looking for' and 'interested in' have reappeared as well, which means he's been hiding his whole relationship section since around 2 days after our breakup. Also, his facebook news feed reads that "Ex went from being in a relationship to being single." Then it says he became a fan of something. And then immediately after it goes, "Ex went from being single to in a relationship." So it's all within two days that this happened.

 

When I found out about the girlfriend, I let impulses get the better of me and told the ex that he could have just been honest and told me he was leaving me for someone else. He then proceded to tell me that he didn't leave me for someone else, that somebody else just "happened" afterwards. I told him that since we were already broken up, he might as well just tell me that he decided to leave me for somebody else. He kept denying it, went on to say again that I'm a wonderful person who he really really wants to be friends with. I told him he was only saying that because he feels guilty and wants to make himself feel better. He said he's not like anyone else, and that all the stuff about him saying nice things because he is feeling guilty is BS advice, because he truly wants to be my friend and thinks I'm a great person.

 

I later texted him and let him know that relationships don't just "happen" right after you dump someone. He said, "Think whatever you want, I'm not willing to argue with you anymore."

 

So my question is, why can't my ex just come clean and be honest with me? I'm already "saving" him the hard work of having to say he left me for someone else, he just has to be honest and agree. It just makes no sense to me, why keep denying truth?

 

Cause if he's being honest and saying he truly didn't leave me for her, well, he sure is in some shady rebound right now... :-P

 

This is interesting and I never understood it myself. The only conclusion I agree with is they don't want to hurt your feelings and since the realtionship is over why bother explaining it any further. I know you need closure or the truth but for him its doesn't really matter, does it? My ex refuses to admit that he cheated even though I have proof and we have been divorced for 2 years. Its like he can't let go of the lie. I personally at this point could care less. The sad truth is once someone bids you farewell its over. I know the reason sometimes makes it easier or makes sense to know but at the end of the day its over. I read Alec Baldwin's comment in a mag once that said about his failed marriage. "Its over and at this point its doesn't really matter who is to blame." Makes sense.......Move on as hard as it may be and let it go...Easier said then done. Good Luck..

[unsaved]

Wanna know why he won't admit it? Because human beings don't admit to things that they don't think that they did. He TRULY thinks he didn't break up for you for someone else. In his mind, he thinks he broke up with you b/c he wasn't happy. He also believes this other girl that was in his life "suddenly" liked him the day after he broke up with you and he decided "suddenly" to try it with her. he sees them all as separate events and the breaking up was ONLY because he was unhappy. He has CONVINCED himself of this. Strange, but true.

 

He's done this b/c of the protection factor for BOTH of you. He doesn't want you to think he would leave you for someone else because that might HURT you. Also, this way, he is the good guy b/c he didn't break up with you for someone else or cheat on you. He merely broke up with you b/c it "wasn't working" or "he was unhappy" or whatever excuse he gave. It just so happens that girl #2 came along RIGHT at that moment. (ha)

 

Either way, it still sucks. I'm so sorry for you and feel for you. To be honest, it sounds like this guy does feel guilty for everything and was in some weird way trying to protect you from the truth and being hurt. He just doesn't realize that it only makes you hurt more.

 

Keep your head up. We are all here to help you get through this.

[nobmagnet]

Pretty much identical to what my ex said, but it's all bull.

 

 

its just the way it seems to go. The ever faithful Nobby was pooed on again. i have eveidence for then but what about the other 4 years he was a git?? resented me? resented the kids? we got in his way of freedom.

 

acceptance ( i seem angry but not, drawing on memories) is the way to go. They will not very often confess to it all. Economical about the truth.

 

 

hey babe............have some of my acceptance and joy to be free? Live your life. To the full. Piss him off because you are not destoyed? however much it hurts..........makeup on nice clothes.......weight loss.......embrace.......and just say to yourself............oh my, life?

 

BRING IT ON!!!

 

all the best

 

Nobby xxx:love:

[mmk1]

While may dumpers are vague and ambigous when they are dumping you, either trying to be kind or falsely giving you hope, the best is when they are straight with you, as your ex should have been. We don't always appreciate the honesty at the time, but looking back I even thanked my ex for being brutually honest.

 

In the end, though, the reality is that she broke up with you and the reason why does not matter. Trying to go back and get a different explanation, apology or anything else is going to hold you back and keep her power over you.

 

In the end, your ex simply decided that a relationship with you was not right for her and her reasons are irrelevant. Know that you need to move on and get your peace from within you, rather than from her.

 

She is no longer contacting you so you are the only one who are making you miserable. Leave her be and find the person who will appreciate you. She is out there!

[AgeOfUninnocence]

What he has to gain from lying to you, is that he can appear to be a relatively decent person, whether just with you so he can limit the drama, or with your social network of friends, which would limit the drama.

 

I like this. It does make a lot of sense, although admittedly I've told two mutual friends basically what I posted here, and they said they didn't know, and that he was shady in even telling them about his newgirlfriend, calling one of them up and going, "So, I kinda have a girlfriend." Ehhh. All our mutual friends are shocked at his crazy behavior.

 

I dont want to make you scared but you do need to ask him the very real and important question:mad:.........."Did you used protection, I only ask because i am sure you wouldnt want to put my health at risk"

 

Now im sorry but is a curve ball question because he might be so shocked that he says "Of cause I did" then you have your answer. But IMO please get checked out love. i had to. Peace of mind.

Aww thanks, and I definitely would, but I know his new girlfriend refuses to have sex until she's married, so there's nothing going on there.

 

 

Wanna know why he won't admit it? Because human beings don't admit to things that they don't think that they did. He TRULY thinks he didn't break up for you for someone else. In his mind, he thinks he broke up with you b/c he wasn't happy. He also believes this other girl that was in his life "suddenly" liked him the day after he broke up with you and he decided "suddenly" to try it with her. he sees them all as separate events and the breaking up was ONLY because he was unhappy. He has CONVINCED himself of this. Strange, but true.

 

He's done this b/c of the protection factor for BOTH of you. He doesn't want you to think he would leave you for someone else because that might HURT you. Also, this way, he is the good guy b/c he didn't break up with you for someone else or cheat on you. He merely broke up with you b/c it "wasn't working" or "he was unhappy" or whatever excuse he gave. It just so happens that girl #2 came along RIGHT at that moment. (ha)

 

Either way, it still sucks. I'm so sorry for you and feel for you. To be honest, it sounds like this guy does feel guilty for everything and was in some weird way trying to protect you from the truth and being hurt. He just doesn't realize that it only makes you hurt more.

 

Keep your head up. We are all here to help you get through this.

 

Thank you, unsaved. Your post really spoke to me. My ex literally said to me, "I didn't leave you for someone else, someone else happened completely separately." HAH! If by separately he means when he was emotionally checked out and still saying "I love you" to me as we planned my trip to his college that weekend (which ended up being canceled and losing me money... jerk).

 

He also literally said to all our mutual friends, "I really didn't want to hurt her" after he broke up with me. Well, obviously he already did, so just being straight about this other chick wouldn't have made it much worse.

 

I really do get the impression that he was trying not to hurt me in some twisted way, what with breaking up with me on the phone days before my scheduled trip to come visit him at his college so that "my weekend wasn't ruined", and hiding his new girlfriend on facebook so that he could tell me in person to "make up" for the way he broke up with me (which didn't end up happening due to outside circumstances, so I still haven't seen him in 2 months). It's like his intentions are there... but he doesn't bother to think about the outside circumstances and my own feelings (like my wasted money, seeing me for the first time after the break up to say "I have a new girlfriend", etc.)

[AgeOfUninnocence]

My situation is similar. My ex broke up with me and claimed that he felt unhappy about himself and that he needed to stay single for awhile to figure things out. He wanted to stay friends because he thinks I'm a great person, but I told him that I've never stayed in conatct with any of my exs. He told me to call or text if I change my mind about staying in contact. I have had NC with him since the break up 3 weeks ago, but decided to leave him on my facebook. I noticed that he still had our realtionship status up, but thought he's a guy maybe he forgot. 2 and a half weeks passed and it was still up and then I notice a few days ago he not only deleted me as his friend but put up his "in a relationship" status so that it can appear on the side bar of his profile (where everyone can see it). My heart dropped! Why delete me if he wasn't in a new relationship? I was so upset & hurt!

 

Didn't he say he wanted to be single for awhile?!?! I thought "awhile" meant a few months, not within a couple of weeks!

 

While my head is thinking what a jerk!!! My heart is still missing him! Why?!

 

I'm confused. So he deleted you and then put up on fb that he's in a relationship with someone else? That could be why he deleted you. Facebook is so annoying!

 

In other news, my ex's new girl dumped him. I'm kind of enjoying this, although it's still been weeks since our last contact. And as much as I would have loved to have heard from him, I'm glad I didn't because that would have meant he was only contacting me because he felt lonely and wanted to feel the void.

 

He's a strange guy though. He only just made his relationship with the girl public on facebook, and now that he's been dumped, he's hid everything on his facebook about relationship status, looking for, and interested in. Maybe he's embarassed? He should be. He had a good thing and threw it away for a girl who dumped him a few weeks later.