bonomarine Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Well I never thought that I would be sharing this story but here it goes. I'm a man that has been with the same woman for over 22 years. We weren't high school sweethearts in the truest sense but we were in high school. We both came from broken families and we fell in love almost immediately. We were married when we were 19 and had our first daughter at age 20. During that period, we had two other daughters ages 14 & 7. We have had our difficulties through the years; however, there has never been any infidelity. Over the past year, my wife has desired to seek outside friendships that don't involve me or the kids. I understand that it has been go go go for us and we are now at a point where we can relax. Well, as these friendships developed, our intimacy declined. It declined because of sexual issues that I was having and didn’t address. My wife began to tell me that she needs to have some space and enjoy some happiness without us. Not in a negative way but just some time with her and her friends. I didn't handle the situation correctly and began to check up on her. I did some snooping and confronted her on issues that I percieved as strange but nothing ever amounted to anything. Finally, the snooping became too much to handle and she has asked for a divorce. I recognize that I should trust her because I have never had any reason not to. The only rationale that I can think of is, I was snooping in an attempt to deflect the problem onto something else outside the marriage. Quite frankly I think it was me just being afraid of losing her to her new found friends and interests. Now we are on the road to divorce. We have decided to sell the house, when I say "The House" that is what I mean. This is something that we have worked for all of our lives and now my wife sees no other road but one that leads to divorce. I guess I'm sharing because I still love my wife and wanted some advice on what to do. I recognize that my snooping has pushed her to this point. I made a promise to myself and her that it would stop but I think it’s too late. I wish we could just get past this and remain married. Sincerely, Brokenhearted
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Over the past year, my wife has desired to seek outside friendships that don't involve me or the kids. So she has male 'friends' that don't involve you? Are you 100% sure she hasn't cheated on you? Chances are high though that she has had inappropriate moments and emotionally allowed herself to become attached to another guy. Or are you talking about women friends and excluding you completely? This isn't about you snooping. If she feels the marriage is over and is pushing divorce, wanting to sell the house, it means she's been feeling like this for a long long time and made her peace with it, detaching along the way. Instead of opening up and talking to you a while ago, fixing things, she's chosen the 'easy way out' by detaching and letting go. Not bothering to even try to fix the marriage, reconnect again. I feel for you, and your kids. She's willing to throw away 22+ years of history without giving her best, without allowing you two to recapture that love again. You snoop because she is hiding stuff from you, not being honest. It's a vicious circle.
onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Maybe things aren't hopeless. Assuming she's been faithful, can you suggest that you go to marriage counseling together? Would she be game for that? I had to learn the hard way that you cannot confront them with suspicions unless you have proof. Maybe your suspicions are well founded, maybe they aren't. I can say that when I got suspicious of her affair, I went through a terrible period of second guessing myself. I told myself that she would never cheat, I had no real reason to suspect other than my own insecurities. She was cheating. But they all will lie, lie, lie until they cannot get away with it anymore. When I confronted my wife the first time (without proof), she used it as an excuse to take off her ring and say we were through. She blamed me for being petty. She said she wouldn't tolerate being accused like that. Fast forward two weeks when I had proof... It didn't change anything, she still didn't want to be with me but I have been able to whittle away at all of her excuses for why I was the problem. The problem was with her. She was just blaming me to make herself feel better. LS is filled with this same exact story. I guess it's human nature to deflect responsibility. I'm not saying your wife is a cheater, just that if there's smoke, it's OK to deduce there might be fire. Just don't tell her that unless you are 100% sure and can present evidence that she can't deny.
hopesndreams Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 My wife began to tell me that she needs to have some space and enjoy some happiness without us. It's all her. What she wants. Bye, bye husband, bye bye kids. Goodbye house. She's looking for the greener grass and by golly, she has found it. You are left wondering, "What can I do to fix this?" My answer to you is, there is nothing you can do, don't even bother trying. Don't take the blame for her cowardice, and don't think for 2 seconds there isn't another man involved. With that information, now what?
changeisgood Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 There are more reasons for "detachment" than meet the eye. I myself have "detached" from the spouse, though not the kids. We married WAY too young like you and had children young like you, and to be honest there was so much GROWING UP to do between our 20s and 30s that we grew up differently. Not saying your marriage is a lost cause and definitely not saying there is no OM. Unfortunately we are creatures that require relationships and when there is a lack of trust or communication or both, we seek out answers or relief in the form of anyone who will be that "good listener". Sounds to me like she wants to live the life she never had-- freedom in her 20s. Sad but true, I can relate. I think counselling is a great idea if you haven't already tried that- there are so many books to read. The five languages of Apology has been helpful for my situation-- not that it is "fixing" anything but it is helpful in creating understanding. I think complete honesty on your part is important too. Tell her how you feel and don't just roll over and die. Is she worth fighting for? Good luck
Author bonomarine Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Everyone, thank you for responding. This forum does help get through the peaks and valleys. I have told her how I feel and that given the choice I desire to work on our problems and remain married. As for counseling, I have asked several times and she doesn't want to. I've gone once by myself back in Dec and the counselor told me that the marriage was over. I didn’t want to believe it but I guess it is. Its true that we did get married young and perhaps we did grow in different directions, but there are couples that are married for 50+ years, so I believe, if she wanted to, we could work pass it. I have apologized and I have expressed to her how much I love her. I'm not going to flounder and wait. I will plow through the process and perhaps it will end differently, I really don’t know. I’m preparing myself for divorce. "it means she's been feeling like this for a long long time and made her peace with it, detaching along the way" This may be the real reason behind everything. I do believe that ultimately she has a desire to find out what she is missing out on, not in a negative way, but perhaps she feels that there is something waiting for her. Just for the record, I’m in great shape, I take care of the kids, I don’t drink or smoke and I don’t abuse her. In fact, the number one fault is that I want to spend time with my wife. I know this sounds sappy but it’s true. She isn’t just my wife, she is my girl. Thanks again for the comments. I'll post more if things change.
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