BrittB Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 My fiance and I are planning an August wedding, but he recently admitted to having a secret female friend. I've always been uncomfortable with the fact that he makes more girl friends than guy friends, and he seems to be making new ones while in a serious relationship with me. We've had numerous arguments about it. He says the arguments are why he didn't tell me about this girl. He only confessed because I confronted him about two instances in which he seemed to be lying about his whereabouts. He had lame excuses for both instances and maintains that he wasn't with this or any other girl at those times. I also found texts between him and a girl (whose name he had hidden under a male coworker's name). They were fairly harmless, but I hate that he hid her name. I never told him I knew about this. Since the confession 3 weeks ago, he's gone back and forth between remorse for lying and impatience with me for not being able to rebuild trust easily. Now, he's spending tons more time with me, and he's making me aware of everything he does, and he has said that he wants to do whatever he needs to do to regain my trust and make me comfortable with him in this relationship. He also said he's ended the secret friendship because of the shady circumstances under which it started. I love him and want to get married, but I just don't think I can move on from this until I've gotten the full story. I still don't know where he was in those two instances. The girl whose number he hid in his phone is a girl we've argued about before. I feel like I'm being given partial truths, and he's hoping that'll be enough for me to stop talking about it. I can't concentrate on the wedding at all, and I've already checked on fees for postponement ... they're not good. How do I get the whole truth out of him while not making him defensive? I'm trying to save things, but another part of me tells me he's lying and cheating, and to cut my losses.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 His female friend should be happy for him and supportive of his upcoming nuptials. I'm surprised you haven't met her yet. It's always great to meet each other's friends. I'm sure your fiance will agree Since you shared that the dynamic you discovered was/is 'fairly harmless', he clearly enjoys having female friends and is committed to his engagement. When you all get together, he'll show you with his actions what you mean to him. If you want drama, blow up, cancel the wedding, yell your head off at him. If you want healthy discourse and resolution, take positive steps to achieve clarity about his perspective on female friends and regarding your engagement. Hope it goes well for you
Author BrittB Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 carhill, your positive answer is definitely reassuring. I'm glad to hear it. He's admitted that he'd rather me not meet the friend (won't give me her name or how he knows her); he'd rather end the friendship with her instead. I haven't met any of the female friends he's made recently, but he's set up plans for me to meet one of them this weekend. I guess I just can't get past not knowing if he's still hiding things. The two instances I referred to were pretty damning as far as him clearly lying about his whereabouts. And if he says he wasn't with her, then where was he? Also, why hide a woman's number in your phone under a man's name if there's nothing about the relationship to hide? I should clarify about the texts. His answers were harmless. Her texts? Not so much. She asked him to go to the movies with her and a friend. He said no thanks. She texted late one night to ask if he was awake. He didn't reply. She even texted that she was going to the adult video store near her house. He replied, "oh. ok."
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Another question: Does he have a consistent history of having female friends and, if so, do you know them? We can always go down the road of boundaries and respect, but, to me, that's self-evident and you'll work that out, but I'm interested in more backstory Lastly, how does he feel about the male friends you'll be inviting to the wedding, both married and single? Has he enjoyed their company?
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 He also said he's ended the secret friendship because of the shady circumstances under which it started. Meaning? Put the wedding on hold until this gets totally sorted out. Why waste your life with someone who constantly is hiding and needing affectio/friendship from other girls? Your fiancee seems to have something misssing inside of him, since he feels the need to have tons of female friends, and especially ones he hides from you. HE needs to verbally tell this girl to back off, that the friendship is no more. It's selfish, self serving friendship. And it doesn't include you.
Author BrittB Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Another question: Does he have a consistent history of having female friends and, if so, do you know them? We can always go down the road of boundaries and respect, but, to me, that's self-evident and you'll work that out, but I'm interested in more backstory Lastly, how does he feel about the male friends you'll be inviting to the wedding, both married and single? Has he enjoyed their company? Yes, he's always been the type of person who makes female friends easier than male friends. In general, he doesn't have many friends at all. I've met one female friend and one male friend of his. And I'll be meeting another female friend Saturday. Most of his friends, however, live out of town. He even wanted one of his close out-of-town female friends to be "best woman" in the wedding, but decided on her husband instead. He recently started emailing with an old high school friend (the one I'll meet Saturday), but their contact has been much too frequent to me. Constant daily emails, to be exact. He's always skeptical about guys when I meet them because I have mostly women friends. But my existing guy friends that I had before we met? He's got no problem with them at all and welcomes them at the wedding.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 He recently started emailing with an old high school friend (the one I'll meet Saturday), but their contact has been much too frequent to me. Constant daily emails, to be exact. Does he not see how wrong that is? To reach back into the past and hang onto friendships that have more or less been dead for years, and bring them back to life IS a red flag. He doesn't have many friends in general, though the ones he has are mostly female. Does he suffer from social anxiety or something? Can he not meet new people and start healthier and growing long term friendships, with men? Co-workers? Neighbours? There's alot more going on here than him just having women friends..
Author BrittB Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Meaning? Put the wedding on hold until this gets totally sorted out. Why waste your life with someone who constantly is hiding and needing affectio/friendship from other girls? Your fiancee seems to have something misssing inside of him, since he feels the need to have tons of female friends, and especially ones he hides from you. HE needs to verbally tell this girl to back off, that the friendship is no more. It's selfish, self serving friendship. And it doesn't include you. You're right. He was badly mistreated by his mother and could perhaps be looking for validation in the women around him. I don't see him getting help for issues that deep before the wedding, though. We've talked/cried a lot about that situation, and he's pretty open with me about it. As far as the friendship goes, another good point. It sounds as if he likes all the admiration and adoration he gets from all of her attention. I'm just afraid that he has acted on it or will act on it in the future.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 It's March. Wedding is in August. That's five months away. I'd have a talk with a PMC next week. Plenty of time
Brokenlady Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 he'd rather end the friendship with her instead. Now that's interesting. She was important enough to have in his life that he was willing to hide her existence from you and in his cellphone, yet, now she's so inconsequential he'd prefer to end the friendship? Maybe there's a reason he doesn't want you to meet her. Keep an eye on the "old high school friend". Those relationship always seem to end up in affairs and it'll be much easier for him to get away with when she's in your lives.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I don't see him getting help for issues that deep before the wedding, though. We've talked/cried a lot about that situation, and he's pretty open with me about it. Then make it a dealbreaker. He gets help, sorts out his feelings about his past, his childhood issues, his mom etc.. If he can't deal with this, and change his behaviour, this WILL continue all throughout your marriage. He doesn't see that it's wrong. And you'll have trust issues that will get worse as time goes on.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 PMC, next week. He wants to marry you. He'll be there
troggleputty Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Cancel the wedding. Your fiance is cheating on you, and lying to you. If he can't keep his mind on you and you alone with the wedding coming up, what will change after you get married? You can do better.
NoIDidn't Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I agree with Carhill. Pre-marital Counseling is a must before you marry this gentleman. If he won't let you meet the female friends, put the wedding on hold. This isn't about drama, this is about openness. If the woman is just a friend, she and he should be comfortable with you meeting her. I speak from experience. My H makes female friends far easier than male friends. He has a decent amount of friends of both sexes, though. While I am confident that he didn't cheat when we were engaged (TMI, but I am absolutely certain), he eventually had an EA while we have been married. There are patterns to these things. What you are seeing right now with your fiance is that pattern. Pay attention to it. An old African proverb says to enter into marriage with BOTH eyes open, but close one AFTERwards. Know what you are getting into with him, THEN accept him for who and what he is. Not the other way around. I got this advice from our PMC. I always thought that I was going to be the one that cheated, but had I paid attention to this proverb, I would have recognized the possibility in him as well.
califnan Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 My fiance and I are planning an August wedding, . I can't concentrate on the wedding at all, and I've already checked on fees for postponement ... they're not good. How do I get the whole truth out of him while not making him defensive? I'm trying to save things, but another part of me tells me he's lying and cheating, and to cut my losses. -------------------- You have said that you have checked on the fees for postponement .. they're not good .. I regret these weddings get you coming and going.. Can you scale down the wedding - and then put it on hold .. If you aren't certain of this man's devotion to you and lack of others' in his life, it will be tremendously harder after marriage..
Woman In Blue Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 He's admitted that he'd rather me not meet the friend (won't give me her name or how he knows her); he'd rather end the friendship with her instead. That is such a HUGE red flag. HUGE. I guarantee if you just let this go and sweep it under the rug, it's going to be a lifetime of sneaky 'friends' hidden under men's names in his cell phone and anonymous "new female friends" you're going to have to deal with again and again and again. Been there, done that. My last boyfriend of 3 years (we lived together) also had been treated badly by his mother. She'd gotten pregnant with him when she was 17 and ended up marrying his father - your typical teenage 'shotgun' wedding. She never missed a chance to let my ex-boyfriend know as he was growing up that it was HIS fault she'd never become the broadway dancer she was "meant to be." Shed tell him he was ugly and worthless and blah blah blah. She ended up deserting the family for another man when he and his brother were 12 and 11 years old, respectively. For my ex-boyfriend, it's been a lifetime of seeking female validation - at ANY cost to those around him. He cheated throughout his entire marriage (18 years) and after their divorce, he swore he would be different going forward - that he was sick of always lying and sneaking and wanted to start a relationship with me based on honesty this time around. Within a year and a half of living with me, the sneaky behavior started right back up and he was back off to the races. It was one sneaky "female friend" after the next. Your boyfriend reminds me alot of my ex-boyfriend. I made him move out at the 3 year mark because I wasn't going to put up with it anymore and had come to the conclusion that he wasn't going to change his stripes. If you're smart, you'll do the same - or get this guy into serious therapy to deal with his mother issues. Otherwise, you're going to deal with this crap for the rest of your life.
Author BrittB Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 This is what I'm afraid of. He's agreed to PMC already, and we've been going to this 3-month program. In counseling, he's been open, honest and has discussed things that he needs/wants to work on, but not this. It's like he didn't see that there was anything wrong with doing this until I had a problem with it. It feels like he's only apologized and changed his behavior because he knows he hurt me, and that he shouldn't have lied. What worries me is that I think he's rationalized it as MY problem in his head. He says that he plans to have many female friends in the future, all of whom I can meet before he starts hanging out with them. But if he wants to go to a movie or something with her -- just the two of them -- and they don't feel like inviting me, it should be OK because I should trust him. I don't know how to explain to him that this just feels WRONG to me! He thinks it sounds perfectly rational and normal and that I should be just fine with it all. He even told me last night that he thinks he has no character flaws anymore, after working on a couple of issues ... on his own. I was shocked, horrified, disappointed and disgusted when I heard him say this. This is a man who was physically, emotionally and spiritually abused horribly for the first 18 years of his life and has never had therapy for it. I'm afraid he's going to carry this "I know best" idea into the marriage and use it as a license to put himself in all kinds of compromising situations with other women.
PhoenixRise Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 BrittB If your fiance really feels like he has no character flaws you should be very afraid. If he believes that you should allow him to "date" during your marriage and this is not ok with you then you need to question if he is the man you want to marry. He is already protecting his friendship with his female friend from his marriage by not allowing you to meet this woman. You know he is hiding something here. Basically BrittB, you should believe him when he tells you that he sees nothing wrong with having these special female friendships that don't include you.
califnan Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 This is what I'm afraid of. He's agreed to PMC He says that he plans to have many female friends in the future, all of whom I can meet before he starts hanging out with them. But if he wants to go to a movie or something with her -- just the two of them -- and they don't feel like inviting me, it should be OK because I should trust him. I don't know how to explain to him that this just feels WRONG to me! He thinks it sounds perfectly rational and normal and that I should be just fine with it all. . ----------------------- Britt; Run, don't walk .. Cut your losses with the wedding plans .. About a month ago I googled and came up with a marriage counceler who validated that Husband and Wife should not speak to others of the opposite sex on a regular basis .. Once in a while if he runs into a colleage at work - to have a passing conversation with her about what she is doing .. but not to keep up with other women on a daily basis .. The Wife should be the Only woman in the marriage ...(This is part of God's plan as well) .. Guess that pretty much rules out going to the movies, also.
Author BrittB Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 I agree with you. He thinks that it's old-fashioned to think that men and women can't be friends and hang out together on their own. He doesn't see it as "dating" because dating would mean there are romantic intentions, which he claims there are none in these situations. This is so hard! I have invested soooo much into this! I can't believe this is all coming out now. I'm so mad at him. I know that it's better to find out now than later, but that's little comfort right now. I'm upset with myself for picking such a wrong person. The signs have probably been there all along. I guess I've chosen to ignore them.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I know you're hurting and this is going to be hard to do, but totally call off the wedding. You have to. What you're experiencing now is just a tiny taste of what's going to come later. Imagine having afew kids in tow, and having to deal with this stuff. He is immature, selfish and obviously feels 'entitled' to do whatever he pleases. That isn't husband material, at all. I'm sure if you sit and remember, there are other things, red flags that has happpened, things he's said/done, tried to downplay, maybe turn it around on you.
califnan Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I agree with you. He thinks that it's old-fashioned to think that men and women can't be friends and hang out together on their own. He doesn't see it as "dating" because dating would mean there are romantic intentions, which he claims there are none in these situations. This is so hard! I have invested soooo much into this! I can't believe this is all coming out now. I'm so mad at him. I know that it's better to find out now than later, but that's little comfort right now. I'm upset with myself for picking such a wrong person. The signs have probably been there all along. I guess I've chosen to ignore them. --------- He is flirting with the devil .. and to wish to bring these seeds of doubt into the marriage .. Do not be upset with yourself .. You have now learned just in time - his intention of bringing other women into the marriage.. Any friendship relationship he has with other women in the marriage - is taking away from You and the marriage.. Your cake eater should be single for now ..
PhoenixRise Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I agree with you. He thinks that it's old-fashioned to think that men and women can't be friends and hang out together on their own. He doesn't see it as "dating" because dating would mean there are romantic intentions, which he claims there are none in these situations. This is so hard! I have invested soooo much into this! I can't believe this is all coming out now. I'm so mad at him. I know that it's better to find out now than later, but that's little comfort right now. I'm upset with myself for picking such a wrong person. The signs have probably been there all along. I guess I've chosen to ignore them. I know you are hurting and this this is hard, but be glad you are finding this out about him BEFORE you married him. Don't let him fool you, he already has a secret female friend that you can't meet. Now he is telling you that he intends to have female friends with whom he will be socializing without you after you are married. Run don't Walk
Author BrittB Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 --------- He is flirting with the devil .. and to wish to bring these seeds of doubt into the marriage .. Do not be upset with yourself .. You have now learned just in time - his intention of bringing other women into the marriage.. Any friendship relationship he has with other women in the marriage - is taking away from You and the marriage.. Your cake eater should be single for now .. He claims "it's not like that." He says that if he has an interest in something -- let's say chess -- that I don't like, if he happens to run into a girl who likes to do that, he should be able to meet up with her -- just the two of them -- and play. As long as I know and have met her, he thinks that's fine. He said he'd do the same if it was a man. He claims that it's about the experience of getting some very minor things from other people that he doesn't get from me -- men or women. I guess I can see that point, but when it comes around to hiding it, then it's an issue.
califnan Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 He claims "it's not like that." He says that if he has an interest in something -- let's say chess -- that I don't like, if he happens to run into a girl who likes to do that, he should be able to meet up with her -- just the two of them -- and play. As long as I know and QUOTE] ----------------- NO .. Britt .
Recommended Posts