troggleputty Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I've been seeing this girl for the past 3 months. I really like her a lot. She has all the qualities I look for in a girl. The only thing is whenever we get to fooling around, it never goes any further than that. Just fooling around. This is kind of vague. What "base" have you been getting to? Is it just kissing? "Above the waist" action of other kinds? Any "below the waist" action? She says she's not ready to sleep with me and doesn't know when she will be but that she'll let me know when she is. It sounds like she might be a tease. She'll "let you know"? What's that supposed to mean? Are you supposed to propose marriage to her first, or something? She's had sex with one other guy before. I do believe her when she told me that. BTW, I'm 23, she's 24. O.K. If she's 24 and only had sex with ONE other guy, are there any more details? I.e. was it a long term relationship? How often did she actually have sex? Or was it like a one time thing? It sounds like this woman might have some very serious problems with establishing intimacy. You may not want to sign up for that. What's up with that? Why won't she sleep with me? She may just be a "tease," but it sounds like she has serious intimacy problems, i.e., another seemingly attractive woman who in reality is a head case. Is she just messing with me and just isn't interested in me that way? Is this just one of those things where I should just wait and be patient? I just don't wanna waste my time if there's something I'm missing here. It kind of sounds like a dead end frankly. I don't care what anyone else says, three months is a long long time to keep you on the hook. But that depends on what the fooling around consists of. Are you at least getting hand jobs, or do you leave every date with her with blue balls? She's an adult, you're an adult. I would just have a frank conversation with her (not in the midst of a make out session, though!) and tell her: "Look I'm a man and I respect you, however--an active sex life is part of my expectation of any serious relationship with a girl. And just telling me to "wait and see" doesn't cut it. If you want me to be serious and exclusive with you we have to resolve our expectations concerning sex, as in: when, how, and how much. If you don't think you're comfortable with sex as being part of our relationship right now, I understand that, however, you'll have to understand that I won't view our relationship as exclusive and will be dating other people." Lay that on her and see if she's mature enough to have a reasonably adult conversation with you, and to accept the consequences for her withholding of sex from you. I'll be there's a pretty good chance if you lay it on the line this way she'll be unzipping you and giving you a bj if she really likes you, or tell you to take a hike if she doesn't like you. (*Hint: If she really likes you she will WANT to keep you "satisfied" one way or another, even if not via full intercourse.) So it is time to decide whether you are a man or a doormat. You don't want to waste any more time with her if she's looking for an asexual doormat. That way lies only misery for you, and you can confirm that by reading some of the threads by men in sexless marriages.
St. Nick Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Are men really this shallow now? I'm ashamed for my gender. I'm ashamed of guys in my gender who think wanting to have sex within 3 months of knowing a girl is shallow. I'm also ashamed of American prudery. It's always a breath of fresh air to go to Berlin and Amsterdam and encounter people without such a lame anxiety over sex.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Wow. I sure don't think that "wanting" to have sex within 3 months is "shallow." Conversely, I don't think that it's a sign of repression or any other problem if an individual happens to link their own sexuality with a serious and deep relationship. If they do, and they aren't feeling that yet by the three month mark, then so be it. It's freaking me out that this post has resulted in labeling the girl "repressed," having "serious problems establishing intimacy," a "tease," "sexually rejecting." Maybe she is some or all, but his post does not imply that. If more than three months is too long for the OP to hang on, then that is his choice, but it does not mean that this girl is somehow messed up. I am old, and I have more regrets about having sex when I was not quite ready or positive about it than I have about waiting ... in fact, I have none about waiting.
jackiss Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Maybe she wants something else from you. You have to approach it much more. You do more understandable. I think one reason is and that he had only one man in her life ...
Satisfaction Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 You should just tell her this. Just corner her and tell her. Don't do it just before making out or while making out. Just find a non sexual time and space to tell her and say it directly to her face. She may just have reservations or be worried about whether you really are taking the relationship seriously or not. If you discuss it with her and you can't take it anymore, then you should leave but I think you should try the building up sexual tension and making her want you. I hope it works and the end result is that that she pounces on you one day while you sit innocently watching the televison. Post back and let us know how it goes please!
Barky Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 The OP should be dating as many women as will have him. This in itself will help solve his problem.
stillafool Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Let But I do have to giggle a bit with men. If a woman waits for her right moment, she`s automatically repressed. And yet if she`s had over a certain amount of lovers, she`s a whore. Come on guys, get it straight, will ya`! Isn't it the truth. Men are full of contradictions! They also say women are soooooooooo emotional and how it gets on their nerves. Yet if a woman does act emotional she is a cold biotch! They have no idea what they want!!!!
stillafool Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Isn't it the truth. Men are full of contradictions! They also say women are soooooooooo emotional and how it gets on their nerves. Yet if a woman does act emotional she is a cold biotch! They have no idea what they want!!!! I meant to say "doesn't" here.
threebyfate Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Isn't it the truth. Men are full of contradictions! They also say women are soooooooooo emotional and how it gets on their nerves. Yet if a woman doesn't act emotional she is a cold biotch! They have no idea what they want!!!!Truth be told, I find many men more erratic, fickle and irrational than many women. Being led by the little brain isn't the most logical approach. That's why women tend to approach relationships with more logic, case in point the woman referenced in the opening post. She's taking a more logical approach to their relationship by not muddying the waters with sex.
stillafool Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Truth be told, I find many men more erratic, fickle and irrational than many women. I've noticed that men seem far more emotional than women these days. What's going on?
threebyfate Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I've noticed that men seem far more emotional than women these days. What's going on?Now that's a great topic for a thread! If you start one, I'll be happy to participate. Sorry for the threadjack OP. Btw, how long did the girl wait before she slept with her very first guy? Perhaps that will give you some indication of how long you might have to wait.
lordWilhelm Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 What's with all the misandry? OP, you need to provide more details. Have you had an exclusivity talk, and what exactly do you mean by "fooling" around? What about her sexual experience? And lastly, what exactly are you looking for from her -- a relationship or just sex? My guess is that she wants you to man up and tell her what you want. Trying to take things further just by fooling around is probably not going to work with her, or at least that's the signal she's sending you right now.
Trojan John Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Let`s pretend that it`s repression. Why would you marry a woman who`s sexually repressed, unless you want a lifetime sexless marriage? But I do have to giggle a bit with men. If a woman waits for her right moment, she`s automatically repressed. And yet if she`s had over a certain amount of lovers, she`s a whore. Come on guys, get it straight, will ya`! OP, you`d better decide which one she is, whether she`s repressed or just waiting for the right moment. The only problem is that when a woman is waiting for the right moment, you might never get to do her, if things don`t feel right to her. So if your priority is sex, then it`s time to move on. Nice generalisation. I realise that I come from a different culture where women and men have a much more healthy approach to sex than your average American, but my point still stands. My point is that she obviously has a problem with sexual intimacy as is evidenced from her shutting him down every time. Maybe it's only with him, or maybe it has been like this with everyone she's been with, who knows? In any case, he needs to ask himself if it's worth it to continue the relationship knowing that he's not getting what he wants out of it. (Yes, her needs are important as well, but the OP is person being addressed.)
sally4sara Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Has anyone here considered the possibility that it isn't some intimacy hang up, it isn't sexual repression, nor head game over his gratuitous up coming trip.... But rather it was just the week of her monthly and she wasn't up for it (It clearly being his penis - just ask the gentleman ) Sometimes the shortest trip is simply from A to B. And OP, whats with the mindset that your lack of discretion is HER doing at any point in any geographical location? What lady wouldn't want to be your ready made excuse for doing some other woman? Do her and her kid a favor and just approach this subject exactly as you did in your first post.
DustySaltus Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Again, I think that the girl has been used to dating bad boys and losers and is out of her comfort zone when dealing with a "good guy". She was embarrased when her roomate came around and immediately stopped acting intimate. What is that? OR She has been dating someone else or recently broke up with someone else and has been confiding in her rooomate about them and felt weird when she was being intimate with him in front of her.
Author justsomeoneelse Posted March 13, 2010 Author Posted March 13, 2010 Lol that was a lot of different opinions but it looks like it's 50/50 on whether I should put up with it or not. First of all, we had the exclusivity talk about a month ago. So yeah, we are official. She does give me hand jobs, lol, but she won't give me bj's... but I guess that's not really what I'm complaining about here though. Whenever I try to do anything for her she won't let me. She won't even let me finger her. One of her friends told me that when she (my girlfriend) slept with her stbx (guy she lost her virginity to) that she thought she loved him. Also that she thought the whole relationship went downhill from there since he never wanted to go out anymore but only wanted to stay in at his apartment and have sex. Hmmm, guess she must be good in bed?? So I dunno, maybe she thinks the same things gonna happen with me...
Lovelybird Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 My point is that she obviously has a problem with sexual intimacy as is evidenced from her shutting him down every time. maybe she sensed that she cannot fully trust him yet? why do men expect from women more than they can offer? it sounds like men don't have to work to gain her respect and trust anymore, just plainly demand "you have to put out, otherwise, you are prude and have intimacy issue", while same time men don't check their own motivation and actions, as if they are completely without responsibility in a relationship. as if men are telling women that they should deny their feelings, just put out sexually no matter what. When a woman doesn't want to have sex with you, it is not only her issue, you are the one she refuses, one hand cannot make a sound wise women can sense that, that this kind of men only objectify women, most selfish at the core
craw Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 maybe she sensed that she cannot fully trust him yet? why do men expect from women more than they can offer? it sounds like men don't have to work to gain her respect and trust anymore, just plainly demand "you have to put out, otherwise, you are prude and have intimacy issue", while same time men don't check their own motivation and actions, as if they are completely without responsibility in a relationship. as if men are telling women that they should deny their feelings, just put out sexually no matter what. When a woman doesn't want to have sex with you, it is not only her issue, you are the one she refuses, one hand cannot make a sound wise women can sense that, that this kind of men only objectify women, most selfish at the core well said. [no idea wtf i was talking abt - lol.]
blueberries Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 i'm really surprised that a lot of people on here think that waiting 3 months for sex is a long time. yes, sex feels great. but i think a little self control and being comfortable and knowing for sure you want a long lasting, meaningful relationship with someone is more important than 20 mins of feeling good. but if it's just for the sex, then i suppose the sooner you get in there, the better... i guess it all depends on how you view sex and what you expect from it. for me, sex is personal and precious and shouldn't be given away to the next person that turns you on. but like someone said earlier, she's wanting a committed relationship and wants to feel comfortable before she gives part of herself to you OR she's not that into you. if you really want to get into her pants, the methods that other posters have provided sound good. and if you just want sex, move on to someone else who'll give it to you sooner.
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