kmm111 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I am contemplating NC with my OM as a way to figure out once and for all about what I need to do with the situation I am currently in. I know I need to do something, as this is eating away at me daily...the complete unattachment from my husband this A has caused...feeling like I am living a double life...second-guessing if I ever loved my husband to begin with... The OM is married as well but is adament that he wants to be with me. We fell in love with each other and I believe this is real because I fell in love with him over a process of 9 months by learning about who he is as a person..nothing physical whatsoever involved... I developed feelings for him and it gradually turned into love. We seem to be compatible in many ways and I could see myself happy with this person for a long, long time. There is nothing right now that makes me feel as though it wouldn't work for us long-term. Plus, the chemistry with my husband has NEVER been like this and I don't believe ever could be. However, I AM married and feel that I should at least give my marriage a chance (the OM said he would respect any decision I make) which means NC with the OM and trying to separate myself from this situation. We are currently doing NC on the weekends for 2 days and even this is extremely difficult. I guess I just cannot see how NC is effective if you are in an A with someone you can actually see yourself with and who supposedly has mutual feelings for you. I could resist contacting him, but won't this cause me to miss him so much to the point where I start resenting myself or my husband? Will I have to sacrifice my happiness by resisting what I really want? Has anyone gone NC like this and it helped their marriage? What realizations did you come to?
ladydesigner Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I believe NC is only effective if the A is indeed over and you are trying to heal yourself. It sounds as if you still want the A in which NC would make no sense.
scatterd Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 You have to go no contact to make your marriage work.You will get caught and then you will not be the one making the desitions.You are in a fog and once you stop contact you can put back into your marriage.The more the affair goes on the harder it is.I hope you do the right thing to many people can get hurt from this.good luck
jennie-jennie Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 It sounds to me like you are done with your marriage. I would be getting a divorce.
2sure Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 NC is hard. If it were easy, there would be less drama to the whole thing and more marriages successfully reconciled. During NC , one of the hardest parts initially seems to be missing the affair partner. Its part of the process. You wont be able to move forward one way or the other unless you have NC. Not contacting him a few specific days of the week is not no contact. At all. Is the OM divorcing?
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 NC is for you. Not for your MM. It's so you can figure out what it is you want and go from there. If it's divorce and be on your own - DO THAT. Don't wait around to see what your MM does or doesn't do. BE OKAY reguardless of the outcome there. Obviously you did love your H alot at some point. It's just kind of funny how so many rewrite or change how they look at their spouses once in an affair .. Seems so many question if they truly loved their BS from day one.
Author kmm111 Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 I believe NC is only effective if the A is indeed over and you are trying to heal yourself. It sounds as if you still want the A in which NC would make no sense. I guess you are right and it is sad for me to admit this. I cannot say 100% that I am ready to "heal" my marriage and let go of the OM. I just feel so awful and selfish for allowing myself to get to this point. I could sense that I was falling in love w/another man and I had the option to walk away but I couldn't. Obviously there are issues in my marriage that need to be fixed; whether that is possible or not I do not know right now. The thought of telling my husband I need time away (i.e. moving out temporarily) makes me sick to my stomach because I know it will hurt him. But I can't keep going on like this..compromising my morals and character. That's what I feel I have been doing...
ladydesigner Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I guess you are right and it is sad for me to admit this. I cannot say 100% that I am ready to "heal" my marriage and let go of the OM. I just feel so awful and selfish for allowing myself to get to this point. I could sense that I was falling in love w/another man and I had the option to walk away but I couldn't. Obviously there are issues in my marriage that need to be fixed; whether that is possible or not I do not know right now. The thought of telling my husband I need time away (i.e. moving out temporarily) makes me sick to my stomach because I know it will hurt him. But I can't keep going on like this..compromising my morals and character. That's what I feel I have been doing...Sorry you are in a tough spot. It will probably continue this way until you decide what is in your best interest, i.e. marriage, separation, divorce, continuing the affair. Maybe if possible you could start seeing an IC and start to sort your own thoughts out. It sounds like you are taking small breaks from the OM. Maybe really utilize that time to feel yourself out. It will not be an easy decision for you. Fortunately my XOM ended things with me and I had no choice but to move on with my life. When the "affair fog" lifted I started to feel like I wanted to work on my M, during the A I wanted to separate and maybe divorce. Either way I wish you peace of mind because I know there isn't any when you are in the midst of an A. Hang in there and keep reading on LS and posting if it helps you.
wheelwright Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Sorry you are in a tough spot. It will probably continue this way until you decide what is in your best interest, i.e. marriage, separation, divorce, continuing the affair. Either way I wish you peace of mind because I know there isn't any when you are in the midst of an A. Hang in there and keep reading on LS and posting if it helps you. I have to agree with LD here. You have to decide. until you do, you are in limbo. And if you are not willing to leave your M, then you should at least try NC. A long, proper try. You will get some power back to make decisions when you feel integrity again. For me, the deceit ate away at me, and I couldn't function in the M at all.
Rearden Metal Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Sweet job with the adultery. Sorry if that's being harsh, but really, how hard is it to do the right thing? Go NC, work on your marriage. If/when it fails, seek another relationship (preferably with an UNmarried man).
califnan Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Everyone on here - jump on me if you wish .. but having fallen in love with a MM who is one of the sweetest, most considerate men I have ever known .. I will say that my revelation is: Falling in love with a person who is unavailable, or the wrong one - Is just a trick of the devil, to take us away from that which God has for us, to take us off path ..
Rearden Metal Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Everyone on here - jump on me if you wish .. but having fallen in love with a MM who is one of the sweetest, most considerate men I have ever known .. I will say that my revelation is: Falling in love with a person who is unavailable, or the wrong one - Is just a trick of the devil, to take us away from that which God has for us, to take us off path .. I'd take considerate off that list. How considerate of his wife is he?
califnan Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I'd take considerate off that list. How considerate of his wife is he? Good thought Rearden.. In their 60's they have only been married for three years .. He has told me that they both do the internet thing with others of oposite sex .. that others are just friendship, and they love and trust one-another ... Somehow, I think he does it because she does .. Bottom line: In my God-given growth, I know that it is: Their Problem ..
ladydesigner Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Yeah if you get married to someone, then find someone else and say "I never had this chemistry with my husband!" something isn't right. That's why I never got married. Sometimes the chemistry is there with the spouse in the beginning, but a worn out M or one that has a lot of built up resentment destroys that chemistry which is why the chemistry with the AP appears to be otherworldly.
mmk1 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I think LD is correct. For me, though, we had a ton of chemistry we never felt for our spouses. My exMW said it best that she loved her H, but was never in love with her H. That was the case for me too and perhaps that was my mistake in the first place.
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