onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 meeting my wife for lunch in an hour. We're trying to work things out but we're so on edge around each other. Kind of in a cycle of negativity. What are some easy things I can do to diffuse the situtation, make lunch casual and enjoyable and prove to both of us that we can have a "normal" time together?
Jeff1962 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 meeting my wife for lunch in an hour. We're trying to work things out but we're so on edge around each other. Kind of in a cycle of negativity. What are some easy things I can do to diffuse the situtation, make lunch casual and enjoyable and prove to both of us that we can have a "normal" time together? Why don't you try acting like friends. Do not discuss any problems. Enjoy eachother.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Will try. Unfortunately, I'm not the best conversationalist. It's always been hard for me to think of random stuff to talk about with anybody. Got any good jokes? haha
Jeff1962 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Will try. Unfortunately, I'm not the best conversationalist. It's always been hard for me to think of random stuff to talk about with anybody. Got any good jokes? haha Why don't you get her to talk about herself. Poeple enjoy talking about themselves. Dude, just let what happens happen. Don't worry about it. NO PRESSURE. Be yourself and see where it goes.
tnttim Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Don't talk about the past at all, good memories or bad, leave it alone. Let her talk and you listen if you can't come up with anything. Do not sit across from each other, it sets up defensive postures. She has an entire table to hide behind, not good for being open. Sit next to or diaginol to her. You pick the table. You end the meeting. It's so much like a first date it's scary but that's the mind set I would approach it with. Pretend you know nothing about her.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Oh, I'm not going to try to be fake. We've known each other 10 years. No way to fake it. I'm just trying to keep it casual. Even though I'm thinking of our problems constantly, I need to somehow shift it to the positive stuff for an hour so that we can have pleasant conversation. I'll give it my best shot and let you guys know how it went.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Don't talk about the past at all, good memories or bad, leave it alone. Let her talk and you listen if you can't come up with anything. Do not sit across from each other, it sets up defensive postures. She has an entire table to hide behind, not good for being open. Sit next to or diaginol to her. You pick the table. You end the meeting. It's so much like a first date it's scary but that's the mind set I would approach it with. Pretend you know nothing about her. TNTTIM, I'm glad you chimed in. This is good subtle stuff I would not have thought of on my own. Obvious though, once it's pointed out. Any pointers for if there is awkward silence? Easy ways to break it?
tnttim Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 It's not being fake, you are putting your mind mentally in a place. Like when you think of food you get hungry. It will help spark some interest and keep your mind off the worrying part. You'll have plenty of time to be real.
tnttim Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Ask her what she thinks of a particular item on the menu. Ask her what she's gonna order. Tell her what your gonna order and why. I wouldn't comment on how she looks, how's she been, how she feels, any of that emotional stuff. Try to keep it fun and entertaining, because that's what she wants. You should also show some control with the whole date. Women want a man in control. That's why I said, pick the table, and you end the date. Plus you have a waitress coming to your table, interact and joke with the waitress. Women also like men that other women seem to like or want to be with.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 I'd like to report that lunch was great. It wasn't. Conversation was stilted, awkward with lots of silences. I avoided all the talk about emotional stuff as tnttim suggested. There were moments when we would get onto something talk for a minute or two but the transistions from subject to subject were very long pauses. We did end up sitting across from each other, almost had to. There was little or no eye contact from her. She kept staring over my shoulder or glancing around the room. She was obviously uncomfortable. After lunch, we walked over to a manicure place in the same shopping center to set up our next awkward date. Pedicures today after work (her suggestion). We'll see how that goes. At the very end, as we were walking to our cars, she asked "What are you thinking?" This, I have learned, is a very devious trap. I know much better than to answer this with blunt honesty such as: "I'm wondering why we can't be comfortable with each other" or "I'm wondering what I did to make you such a miserable b**** to me all the time." Instead I answer with "I'm trying to remember where I parked." She seemed to accept that at face value. Then she says, "You didn't ask me how my game was last night". She plays kickball. So I ask. She tells me. We banter for a few moments then it's time to go. I didn't walk her to her car. I just told her bye and I'd see her after work for the pedicures. Thoughts?
unsureLP Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I'm sorry it wasn't great. But do you feel like at least it wasn't a disaster? Maybe it's a start and eventually conversation will get less stilted? I can't believe you're going to get pedicures with her! But then I'm not the kind of woman who gets pedicures, so... But I somehow feel like this shows you're willing to put in a lot of effort. Kudos to you for not falling into the "what are you thinking" trap. I think you handled it perfectly.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 No, it wasn't a disaster. My guess is that she views it as one though. Nothing I can do about that. She got me a pedicure gift certificate for V-day. It's really a backhanded gift, she always complains about my feet. so when she gave it to me, I said that maybe we could go together. Today she suggested that we do it. so we will. I have had one pedicure in the past with her. Gotta admit, it was pretty relaxing. I'm no metrosexual or anything. This isn't something I would choose to make a habit but I don't mind it either. One other thing that came up over lunch. She's a full time undergrad, taking 17 hours (with two small kids... think that puts stress on a marriage?). Anyway, she has a big group paper due on Friday to she tells me at lunch that she has to meet with her group for the last time tomorrow night. The assumption is that I'll be available to watch the kids, which I almost always am. But, under the current situation, I'm working on getting my own life. I have a softball game tomorrow night. She remembers this on her own mid-conversation and has an "oh s***" moment. I shrug it off. A few weeks ago I would have offered to skip my game because school should be the bigger priority. No more. I'm done being her dormat. She wants to go to school full time, have me pay for it and expects me to watch the kids at her beck and call? Those days are over. At this point, we need to have a conversation about whether she's going to school next semester at all. I might not be willing to pay for it anymore. Something to talk about in MC.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Kudos to you for not falling into the "what are you thinking" trap. I think you handled it perfectly. It's either a trap or an invitation to ask her what she's thinking. I'm never sure which. I did ask her what she was thinking after I gave my answer. Maybe I shouldn't have because that treads a line into a dangerous area. In this case it didn't backfire.
unsureLP Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Hmm, as for school, I'm really divided. Here's both sides of my opinion. - it's good for the mother of your children to be able to get the education she needs to provide for herself and for them (even if you pay cs), so I hope you can give her some help (not monetary of course) so that she can continue going but without her abusing this help. That means, if once in a while she asks you in advance to watch the kids for a night while she works on a big paper, maybe you could do it? - if she really wants to get her education, she herself has to come up with a contingency plan. She has to think of it as a "what if he's not there at all? What can I do to continue?" There are single moms who continue their education, so I would hope she wants it enough to go after it. The locus of control should be in her. So, you should never be expected to pay for it, she should have a second plan in place for when you can't watch the kids, etc. I hate to bring my own situation into this, but I'm finishing up school as well (albeit a PhD, not my undergrad). One of the first things I did when things got bad enough was to budget myself, start saving money, and figure out what *I* would have to do to survive with my daughter while still going to school. I have a plan in place that would allow me to do so if it comes to that, and I wouldn't even need cs to do it (just in case he goes back to his country).
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 One of the things that really makes me mad is how little she appreciates me supporting her going to school. I am 100% for her getting her education. She thinks I stood in her way and that she's going despite me. This is a HUGE insult. I wrote her a letter of recommendation to get in. I'm cosigning the student loans. I'm watching the kids 2-3 nights a week alone so she can work on school. I've been doing this since at least October. I am the primary caretaker of these kids now. So much of the childcare work has been shifted to me that she will seriously have to worry about her custody case if we get a D. I watched them all Sunday night and all last night. To compound this, she plays both kickball and soccer. She has time for all of this and I have just now been able to reclaim enough of my own time to start playing softball. The only thing I've said about school is that she needs to slow down. Next semester she's planning on taking 18 hours. I told her that I'm against it, it's putting too much stress on all of us. She gets teary eyed and says how I'm trying to control her life and that school is the only thing she has that makes her happy right now. Then she got mad and ended the conversation. So I told her before she registers for summer and fall classes, we need to finish that conversation. My prediction, she will stall and stall, I will refuse to cosign another student loan and she will get all pissy. Then I'll have to say "Remember months ago when I said we needed to talk? Remember every few weeks I reminded you we needed to talk?... What did you think I was going to do?" She'll say I'm controlling. I'll respond with telling her I'm not willing to accept another $20k in student loans if she's constantly bringing up D. She has no respect for me.
unsureLP Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Yeah, ok, she needs to see things from your point of view too and appreciate the help you are giving. Why does she say you are controlling her? Just because you want to talk about loans and credits? That's pushing it. I'm sure you have tried to talk to her about how that many credits is tough even if you have no other commitments? I mean, I'm taking 9 credits and I have no kickball or soccer (granted I also work and my daughter is only 18 mos). I can't fathom taking 18 credits at this point in my life. When I was 18 or 19 y/o, yeah, but not now. There are too many responsibilities other than school. I can understand her desire to finish school quickly, if that's what she's aiming for in taking that many credits. But still, is she wants to work on your relationship, she has to revise her strategy. You're going to the pedicure later right? Maybe I shouldn't be bringing this stuff up? Maybe we should be thinking how you two can have a nice relaxing time together? Then the more relaxed you both are around each other, the easier it will be to talk about these things later in a way that she will listen and be reasonable.
unsureLP Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 ps.: I can't believe you are co-signing the loans for her after she cheated and lied!
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Your thought process mirrors mine exactly. When I was in school, I never took more than 16 hours. I can't imagine doing it with a family. I have protested all the way but I have never put my foot down. Of course, it wasn't clear until recently that our marriage was going to be destroyed. Last semester she took 16 hours (that's when all the real trouble began from my perspective), this semester she's taking 17. This summer she plans on taking 8 and in the fall 18. Yes, this is her plan to graduate quickly. If she can pull it off, she'll graduate in December. But we will have no marriage by then. She says she might have to drop a class this semester, then there will be almost no possibility of her graduating in December. To me, this will be a blessing. She'll have 29 hours left. I'll suggest that she only take 3 or 4 this summer and spread the rest over two manageable semesters. Than we might have a chance. It will cost us a little more, but so what? A D will cost us and our kids much more.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 ps.: I can't believe you are co-signing the loans for her after she cheated and lied! I haven't cosigned anything more yet! I would consider it if she was puttin gin 100% to prove to me that she's being faithful and working on this marriage. But she's not... OK, let's talk about pedi's
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Why does she say you are controlling her? Just because you want to talk about loans and credits? Yep, according to her I am a control freak. So by watching my marriage fall apart and insisting that we simplify our lives by her slowing down on school while we work on the marriage, I'm controlling her and "not letting her work on herself". Loads of garbage. If I insisted on her watching the kids half the time and me half the time, she would never be able to pull off the 17 hours she's taking now. The more I type, the more pumped I am to have things get really "real" for her in a hurry.
unsureLP Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Haha, yeah. So is it really that relaxing? I've never even thought of going to one. Isn't it weird having people touching your feet like that? Does it tickle? Will you two have time to talk during the pedi? Maybe you guys could talk about soccer, kickball, and softball. Sports can be safe and fun to talk about right? As long as how they affect the time you spend with each other isn't brought up... Have you guys thought of joining a sport together? Like volleyball?
unsureLP Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Oops, I was still on the pedi's and you are getting pumped up. Hmmm, I'm not big on fights (hence my problems now), so my reaction is to try to talk to her about important things when you are both fairly calm (if possible) so you will both be willing to listen to the other.
hopesndreams Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Cancel on the pedicure. You have better things to do and it's none of her business what it is.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Haha, yeah. So is it really that relaxing? I've never even thought of going to one. Isn't it weird having people touching your feet like that? Does it tickle? Will you two have time to talk during the pedi? Maybe you guys could talk about soccer, kickball, and softball. Sports can be safe and fun to talk about right? As long as how they affect the time you spend with each other isn't brought up... Have you guys thought of joining a sport together? Like volleyball? I thought it would tickle or otherwise be unpleasant but it's not. Not weird at all having somebody touch my feet. Especially if it's a fairly attractive asian woman We'll probably be sitting side by side. That's good, we won't have to be face to face or make eye contact (she had a problem with that at lunch). I'll definitely not pick a fight during that time. Really need to build raport. I had suggested that we join a team together. It would be awesome. She always resisted, made goofy excuses. I'll pitch it again tonight although I'm wary of pushing myself on her. TNTTIM, you might have some advice on that one.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Cancel on the pedicure. You have better things to do and it's none of her business what it is. Hmmm... creative. Devious. I like it. Unfortunately, I'm trying to lead her in the openess and honesty effort. If I start getting all mysterious, she'll start doing the same. Tough one.
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