carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I need passion and I need love for it to be worth the hassle of a LTR. I concur. What remains is how that dynamic is created and exists for each person. Evidently, though some generalities can be inferred, it is different for each of us, hence the implication of compatibility
ladydesigner Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Attraction vs attachment Quote: "Liebowitz (1983) suggests that, in attachments between adults, the 'attraction phase' usually peters out after about two years and the strength of if the relationship thereafter depends on the strength of the attachment that has been established" (Love and Loss) How long did the "attraction phase" last in your M? How did the "attachment" that followed it differ from that "attraction phase"? The attraction phase probably lasted 6 years for us, then a lot of crappola happened and I started to resent him resulting in no attraction and still no attraction, but attachment is still there due to our history and children together. I think the attachment phase is more of a not being able to let the person go when there is a thought of breaking-up or divorce. Knowing that you still enjoy being a companion with that person, but not necessarily the butterflies feeling from the attraction phase. I definitely don't get "wet" as one poster said or "tingly" when I see my H.
mem11363 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Wife always told me she didn't like that I have more edge to me when sexual frequency falls below a certain threshold. The one time I was giving her that really gentle loving look instead and she snapped at me "you are fawning over me - stop fawning I hate that" So the rule is - I believe this is rule 83.5 (b) Gentle loving looks are only acceptable when she is giving me one and I reciprocate. Giving her that look out of the blue literally repels her. Inside I am more like a girl - and she is more like a man. I have zero problem admitting I am wrong - supposedly guys struggle with that. She has a lot of trouble saying she is sorry. I make her do it though because it is good for her - sort of like eating her vegetables :) Clearly, it might be a noble thought, but I no more expect a woman to unlearn and/or change her intrinsic personality and/or attraction triggers than I can expect to change my own. I believe that some women *want* this, I truly do, but life experience, lots of it, has proven to me that they are not *attracted* to it. That gut feeling which keeps you in the game, solving the problems, facing the challenges, celebrating the joys, comes from *attraction*, not *want*. I accept that now. Prior I fought against reality. It is what it is. Life goes on
ladydesigner Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 So the rule is - I believe this is rule 83.5 (b) Gentle loving looks are only acceptable when she is giving me one and I reciprocate. Giving her that look out of the blue literally repels her. Why is this!?!? I am still perplexed to this day why I am repelled by this as well. This is utterly confusing because in the beginning of our relationship I cherished nothing more than sharing this look TOGETHER. Too much water under the bridge for me maybe?
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 IMO, because you don't believe him. It's really as simple as that....
ladydesigner Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 IMO, because you don't believe him. It's really as simple as that.... Yes you are right I do not believe him.
mem11363 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 There are a lot of ways to emotionally "crowd" someone. Oddly I think men are more guilty of this than women. They crowd their spouse in the nicest possible way and the outcome is usually a total disaster. Why is this!?!? I am still perplexed to this day why I am repelled by this as well. This is utterly confusing because in the beginning of our relationship I cherished nothing more than sharing this look TOGETHER. Too much water under the bridge for me maybe?
Luv2dance Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 There are a lot of ways to emotionally "crowd" someone. Oddly I think men are more guilty of this than women. They crowd their spouse in the nicest possible way and the outcome is usually a total disaster. I so agree with this...the fawning gets on my nerves also!! I think the way MH has tried to become more "loving" may be making things worse. How crazy is that!! We humans are just WAY to hard to figure out!
Stung Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 The one time I was giving her that really gentle loving look instead and she snapped at me "you are fawning over me - stop fawning I hate that" So the rule is - I believe this is rule 83.5 (b) Gentle loving looks are only acceptable when she is giving me one and I reciprocate. Giving her that look out of the blue literally repels her. ) Startled me a bit, reading this. It never occurred to me that this might be something to be repelled by if it came from a desirable source. I have disliked being fawned over by people I didn't feel love for myself--but I LOVE it when I catch my husband looking at me like that, like he still can't believe how much he loves me. That's a melting moment for me.
Woggle Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Carhill, many women I know have been hoping to find a man like you all their lives. Even if we are socially conditioned to be responded to as sexual "receptacles," it can be an unfulfilling role - also, one that does not withstand the test of time well. They say they want one but their actions say different.
confuzzled68 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Yes you are right I do not believe him. I have started feeling this way lately also. The more 'sweet' he is to me, trying to show simple affection, the more I pull away and feel uncomfortable. I think it is because I am not feeling the same way....so it makes me feel guilty/uncomfortable that I can't return it. I DO believe he feels this way....but his being so kind/loving just reminds me of what I'm NOT feeling.
seren Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 The physical attraction for H hasn't diminished, I still find him drop dead gorgeous, still think he's all that. But, the attraction for me has not always been about the physical, it is also about the mental and emotional connection, this I think enables the attachment. One of the most attractive of H's traits is that he makes me laugh, tears streaming laughter. Of course it can wax and wane, one of the reasons for H's affair was the detachment of our relationship with each other, we became he and I. Now we are more careful to ensure we remain attached, in touch with our marriage and relationship (both are very different beasts in my book). IMO immediate attraction and the exciting phase is wonderful, but not sustainable in the long term as each is usually on their best behaviour, so to speak. Attachment is the glue that keeps it all together, the familiarity and comfort of just being with someone who makes you smile, feel safe, can have blazing arguments with, differing opinions, but still remain attached because you have shared goals, dreams, aspirations. So, after knowing H for 26 yrs, together for 23, I still fancy him, still feel passion, but can also feel comfortable too. I would say that I would hate to be in a relationship without passion and don't think I could stay if it wasn't there, no matter how attached I was to someone. But, it doesn't just rely on physical attraction - the spark just has to be there.
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