Fitness Dude Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 (edited) After 5 months of pain / agony / pining and having the divorce papers in my hand (for a month) with her signature on them. Now, so much has happened and there is so much "water under the bridge" I don't know if I feel the same. This is the thing that I have prayed for, now that it's here, I'm afraid it's too late. God, I hate this. Original thread when I joined this site.....http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t213362/ Edited March 10, 2010 by Fitness Dude mispellings
Rearden Metal Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Ok, read it... So I'm gathering that now you've had time to have the pain and anger set in, subside and be replaced with acceptance.... and now she returns, right? Take it sloooowwwww... Sit down with her and let her speak. Listen really hard. Make a note of the things she's saying that you agree with and disagree with. And don't cut her any slack. Make her outline WHY things went wrong and WHAT is to be done now to reconcile. Then take a week or two. See if she's still persistent that she wants to work on things. Sometimes people just want to grab hold of you again and exert their influence. If she's genuine, she will be patient and will sit through a few of these meetings. Then, if you want to give it a go, therapy. Independant and together. No exceptions. Then you should "date" and start to open up to each other again. The process of healing is slow and can't be rushed. These are my opinions based on several people's experiences and advice. Good luck!!!
nowomanocry Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 If you still want her - leave aside the pride shiat (which I think is one of the seven deadly sins and a burden on anyone's shoulder) take her back, enjoy your relationship If you still do not want her for a serious relationship but want her as a fmate, take her back and enjoi ur time. When she asks for more, dump her If you do not want her, than dump her to the trash and move on to a new life. Simple as
citygal16 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Hi fitness dude-- I remember your story from a few months back, while I was going through basically the same CRAP! Anyways, my H, after ALL OF THE CRAP that I went through with his "I love you but it's not the same" and the "I'm not sure what I want"....now that I'm moving on, he's calling INCESSANTLY, sending flowers, and trying basically anything to get back together!!!! It's so ridiculous! And the biggest problem is that now I don't think that I feel that way about him anymore. There isn't a part of me that wants to be with him anymore. But that, for some reason, makes me feel guilty, like our marriage is broken up because I'm not into it anymore! It's SOOOOO confusing!!! I'm glad to hear that you are going through a similar thing (not that I want this to happen to you or anything), but since your W is doing this, then it is just part of the process and not really because he actually wants to get back together. Because in the end, if we were MEANT to be together, then we would BE together!
sheithappens Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 well maybe she sorted her sheit out and out of the blue it hit her that she wants to keep her end of the promise of marriage.... I hope you sort this stuff out and really think about your next move because like you said you have prayed for this for a long time
Author Fitness Dude Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 I've come so far from my original post 4 months ago and now 6 months into this "mess". I still have raw emotions but not like before, they're more even keeled and less frequent. It's been hard, very hard, at times it felt like it was impossible. I get this way when I think about what we had, and then how it ended. It made me realize that nothing is "guaranteed" and no matter how "happy" you think you are, there is always something lying beneath that can spring up at anytime. About a month and a half ago I was having a "episode of emotions" that came out of nowhere. Let's just say it was on a Thursday night. I just felt so bad about losing her, and us, and the marriage. I felt like I had failed at the one thing that I thought was so important. I didn't talk to or see her for well over a month and we've been separated for almost 6 months now. On Sunday night of that week, I woke up in the middle of the night because my cell phone buzzed, as you can guess, it was her. I ignored it. The following morning I started getting texts - all of which I continued to ignore. None throughout that day but then after work, they started again. Beginning with something simple like..."I need to speak with you". As the night progressed, the texts kept getting more serious and dramatic. Finally I get the text that reads....."I'm not sure I want a divorce anymore, and I miss you". I was FLOORED, I mean totally floored. I really felt like we were moving in different directions at this point. It was painful to see those words staring back at me on the tiny screen. I was torn by totally different emotions.....some that were happy that she had realized that I'm a good guy and that she missed me, and some that were so angry that I was jettisoned back to place that I had just escaped from. I was dumbfounded, completely. I sat there and thought about it for some time, and just kept asking myself what the "right" thing to do was. Do I respond? If I do, what do I say? How do I act? Finally, I gave in an answered her next call. It was so emotional for both of us - probably more so for her however. She began to cry instantly at the sound of my voice. I'm a sucker for crying - big time, couple this with the fact that I still have strong feelings for her (after all she was my wife) and I just became too soft. It was soooooo good to talk to her, like a familair friend who you haven't seen in years and suddenly bumped into them on the street. We talked for hours, about us, about what happened, about the mundane. I can't begin to explain the elation that I felt when I finally went to sleep that night. I felt like I had accomplished the impossible. Are you ready for the other shoe to drop? Well, that was a Monday night, I never heard from her again for a week. As the week went on, I began to get more and more angry and HURT AGAIN. HOW COULD I LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN??? And more importantly, HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME, AGAIN???? Finally, feeling weak myself, I texted her. (Yeah, I know - sucker, please be gentle with me). We struck up a text convo and it continued to a point where we spoke on the phone. She said she missed me, yada,yada,yada. (THEN WHY THE &^%$ DIDN'T YOU CALL? - is what I thought). So, we've been "dating" maybe one time a week since. It's nice when we re together but I definately feel like I have to be initiator of all the contacts, most of the time. I can't help but think she's using me as "plan b" when she doesn't have better plans in place. Well, last night it came to a head AGAIN. She cancelled on our plans to be with her friends. I simply told her that I can't keep doing this. She, playing dumb, says..."do what"? Either she's incredibly stupid, or she's just evil in her heart and doesn't even know it. She began to cry again, saying she didn't want to hurt me, blah blah. OK< this is getting too long already. I just want to hear suggestions as to what I should do. My marriage is so important to me, and I still love her, but I can't keep going on like this. Do these situations every actually recover and become happy marriages again? Dying for advice here. CityGal - thanks for responding and I'm sorry you're going through the same things. All I can say, is that I know how you feel, believe me. My only positive thought right now is that I'm thankful that we don't have children. I don't know how anyone can cope with the added "fold" to a challenge like this of kids. Anyone who has done with with kids is my complete hero at this point.
Woggle Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I would not take her back. I am a firm believer in the fact that once a woman brings up seperation that it should be over from that point. If she really loved you she would not have done this in the first place and she will do it again once things are less than perfect. She senses that you are moving on and that is why she wants back in your life.
sheithappens Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I think that separations are normal in a relationship.... but frequent no, I don't believe in fairytale relationships with no problems or arguments and separations at that but your gut instinct will tell you what to do, but also use your head and think things thru, maybe she doesn't know how to clean up this mess that she made?
TaraMaiden Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I would not take her back. I am a firm believer in the fact that once a woman brings up seperation that it should be over from that point. If she really loved you she would not have done this in the first place and she will do it again once things are less than perfect. She senses that you are moving on and that is why she wants back in your life. QFT. If she wants to get back with you, she should want to enough, to be the initiator, and walk over hot coals to get you back. She's not showing any concrete or evident signs that she is any way committed to making this work, whatever it takes.... She's yanking your chain. I really don't know why, after what she's doing, you are even giving her the time of day.
stillafool Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 I agree. If she were serious she would walk the walk to get you back. I think she was feeling a rough patch out there and wanted the security of your relationship back. Then when things smoothed out she was not to be found. Don't take her back and if you do you will be set back to square one again. Move on.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 End it... trust me. she's getting off on her being in power. The more you ignore her the more she has the powerlessness. it's a sick game some females play. Like straight outta high school. I would just erase all her information, fill out the divorce paperwork and block her. Start banging some new-new. because life is to short to be held up by stupidity. Why are you subjecting yourself to this crap? C'mon son!
CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 She's keeping you on standby until she finds someone she likes more. Women who WANT you aren't wishy-washy like this. What she is doing is apprehensible when you think about it. Are you OK with being her "second" choice?! Why wouldn't you make someone a priority in your life who sees YOU as a priority and not their back burner guy?
Author Fitness Dude Posted April 18, 2010 Author Posted April 18, 2010 Damn it, I know you're all right. I just can't stand the fact that I'd be giving up on the marriage. I guess the part that throws me for a loop is that I have a very close friend who went through a similar situation and has now been happily married for 10 years. I know it's unlikely, but I don't know why I feel like I want to give it one last try. This sucks!
citygal16 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Hello Fitness Dude...wow, sh$% has really hit the fan for you, hasn't it?? I think there is nothing more selfish than the partner who originally ruined the marriage to want to be back the second you start moving on. It's a familiar story that I hear almost everyday from my ex-H with texts/emails... then when he's busy or doing something fun, I don't hear a peep from him. But I've had an epiphany the last few weeks, which I think is pertinent to your case...as I notice that you keep mentioning that you "don't want to lose your marriage" as opposed to saying that you don't want to lose her. I've found that my biggest problem is getting over both parts of the relationship. The half that is about the person and your relations with that person and the other half is the dreams you had for your future and your marriage. They are 2 separate things and I think that the dreams we had for marriage is the harder to get over than the person. But you really have to let it go, because we are just these little people, little cogs in the wheel of life...it doesn't matter that our dreams of a life together with that person has ended. We can create new dreams, better dreams. We can create a future that is secure and viable. (with or without someone) Let your marriage with her go...... and then it won't matter what SHE says, or what SHE thinks, because it'll just be about what YOU want and deserve. And it sounds like you deserve a lot more than what you've been getting. Phew.... and that's my speech. Next time, I'll do it from a podium.
Author Fitness Dude Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 *&^%$! I'm so disappointed that I've set myself back! I'm an intelligent guy, level headed, but I'm too *&&^%^% pensive and sensitive - I guess? WTF??? I've never been more frustrated in all of my life!! How can ONE person pervade all of your thoughts from "break of dawn" to the middle of the night? Am I that hopelessley optimistic? I just don't understand ANY of this, at all. I wish there was someone I could talk to about all of this, but there really isn't anyone that I feel like burdening with so much guilt, depression, and just nonsense. *&^%% !!!!
2yearsNC Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 well fitness dude, i'll keep it simple. your head is damaged. its going to take months, maybe years to recover. no one can help you but yourself. good luck
citygal16 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 FD- I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time! And looking at the time you wrote, I'm guessing that you can't sleep either? The not sleeping part really annoys me too. Maybe you need a change for yourself...a new job, new apartment, or new city? Have you looked into any of this? You need to take your life back! Just because she was your wife, doesn't mean that she can take away who you are! You were probably (I don't know you, but I'm making an assumption here) a great, successful, upbeat person before you met your wife and you CAN be that again. Don't allow another human being to dictate who you are. And if you can't do a life change, then at least take a weekend vacation to a fun city with some buddies. Get drunk, hang out and make some new memories that don't include your wife. And if it's NY, me and my beautiful single girlfriends will take you out
Author Fitness Dude Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 It's the ebb and flow that I had broken free of months ago. Then when she realized that I was moving on (she knew I was dating regularly) she gets in contact with me begging for forgiveness. I resisted, I really did, ignoring her completely. But I broke down when she was crying - I can't take crying from her, it kills me to hear her cry. Had I just resisted completely, without giving in to her emotion I wouldn't be 4 steps behind now. F'in Facebook, if it wasn't for her nosing around my page and me not knowing that she was able to see my "wall" none of this would have transpired (in theory). It was her seeing comments from other women that drove her to contact me for fear of losing me forever, I guess??? CG - thanks for the words of encouragement. I was where you are now, with much of it behind me but I had this relapse, self induced no less. I know that I'm bigger than this, I just didn't want to be a "divorced-guy" like it seems everyone is these days. What happened to marriage, resolve, stick-to-iteveness, and LOVE? I could have done many upspeakable things with other women during our courtship / marriage but I never would even ALLOW my thoughts to go there - it was too important to me to be true to myself and her, and our families!!! Damn it, I will recover and this will all be better someday soon. I know it will but for now I need to retrench, refocus, and recover. Thank you all for all your help. I know that as silly as it seems to be speaking to a bunch of strangers on the internet, you have all supplied the best advice so far, because you're devoid of all the interpersonal familiarity with my wife and I. It's completely objective. I'll say it again, I feel so sorry for people who are going through this with children, if kids were involved I believe it may be too much for me.
citygal16 Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 FD- I totally agree with you on the value of marital vows and the shock that some people (our ex's) can just throw that away. But you have to remember that it is your W that doesn't value marriage, not you. Don't get hung up on the stigma associated with being the "divorced" person. Sometimes I think about it and it makes me cringe, but it isn't who we are and it doesn't have to define us. Everyone has their problems, big ones and small ones, and this one happens to be ours right now. But eventually we'll move on from here and it'll be something that made us stronger, not something that made us lesser.
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