Why you shouldn't be friends.

[jay_jay]

Well, First of all this is my first post here on LS and I would like to say that this forum is awesome since it has helped me a lot in the past few months. Now for my story, I will try to keep it as short as possible (thank you for taking the time to read it).

 

I met my ex three years ago at my university (I am 23 now and she is 25). We started off as friends and ended up having feeling for each other after 7 months of talking on the phone and spending time together. I asked her to be my girlfriend on my birthday and she said yes! I was the happiest man alive. I had been single for the past three years before that and I felt like I finally found someone great. She moved in with me and we dated for 6 months (before the problems started), and they were the best 6 months of my life. She helped me focus on studies and work and I would not be the man I am today without her (working on my masters degree). Soon after she had found an internship 3 hours away and had to leave, but our relationship was really good for the both of us and we decided make it a LDR since we could visit each other all the time.

 

Well this is where things got bad. Within a month she met a new guy and cheated on me. I had never been cheated on before and this was the most horrible thing I had ever experienced. She told me a month later out of guilt, and I didn't know what to do. For some reason I forgave her ( wish i didn't), and we continued our relationship for another year. Slowly I forgot about the cheating ( after lots of yelling and tears) and things were back to normal. Her internship eventually ended and she ended up moving back in with me for the remainder of our relationship.

 

Eventually the relationship became just one way, and I got the I love you but I am not in love with you. She decided to end it and told me that she didn't find me sexually attractive. She hated having sex with me (this hurt more then anything). She was the first girl I ever had sex with. I didn't stop her, I let her go and I didn't beg for her to stay. She moved out and left the city with I live and moved in with her sister a few hours away. She kept in touch with me, because she said she still loved me and wanted to be my friend. I had such low self-esteem that I just let it happen. I hate myself for this. I could never say good-bye. She was the only one in my life who would talk to me and call me and I just couldn't let her go.

 

One night she called me at 2 AM crying, she told me she got into a huge fight with her sister (her sister kicked her out), and she had nowhere to go, and asked me if she could move back for a little while. I knew this was a bad idea, but she would be living in her car if i said no. So like a good person that I am I let her come back. I helped her find an appartment, a job, and helped her move back. Our relationship seemed like it had never ended.

 

Now the worst of it. My friend (I have known him since I was five and we grew up in the same city and came to the same school, but we weren't very close) started to talk to her. He started calling her and texting her behind my back and of-course she loved the attention. I found out and I begged and cried for her to stop it. I felt as though she was listening.

 

She lied to me to my face about this guy. She would say she is going home and ended up at his house. Well I eventually found out when i decided to drive to her house to see why she was ignoring me all of a sudden (i know, what a stupid thing to do). I found him and her together. I had never felt so bad in my life. I came home and cried like a little baby for days.

 

Today makes two months since that day, and now they are officially dating. I am finally NC with her and I could only wish i could turn back time and go NC when she broke it off with me. I have ruined my life beyond believe. The pain of the break up would have been so much easier to handle then the hurt I have put myself threw. Now I feel like this guy who I have known since I was five is better then me in ever way. My whole world came crashing down within months of her moving back here. I wish I had someone left to talk to. I am so lonely and am dieing to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It brings tears to my eyes to write this, but i hope that someone will learn from this and not make the same mistakes that I have made.

 

( I am sorry for my bad writing skills)

 

jay_jay

[SoVicious]

I am going through exactly what you are my friend. I stayed friends with my ex after we broke up, but I have just decided to end it all because she is now hooking up with my friend(old friend i should say). It hurt me like hell to find that out, this girl was my first love, first everything. It sucks and I wish i was two months down the line like you are. Cheers my friend, we will find the women we deserve one day!

[jay_jay]

It's been two months but it still hurts to get out of bed. I am sorry you are going threw the same thing. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. Thank you for replying. I really need some words of incouragement. I have been going to therepy ( hope I spelled that right) but man at the end of the day it all come right back. It's like a desease that just hasn't gone away yet.

 

Anyone else want to give me some words of encouragement, I really need it.

 

Thanks jay_jay

[Manutara]

I went through a not-dissimilar situation to yours, and I know how painful it is. Deep inside you know that the pain will one day go away, but that doesn't stop you from feeling sick when you wake up today, tomorrow and the next day.

 

I, like you, stumbled across this site when I most needed it, and the input from many people on LS is nothing short of awesome. You already know what you have to do if you've been around here for a while, and if she's cheated on you, lied to you and started dating a friend of yours, you need to really start understanding that a relationship of any kind with this girl is only going to bring you more pain. Cut your losses, however impossible life without this girl seems, and start working on you.

 

I'm sure you've read the NC guide by CaliGuy (keep him in your prayers, he's currently in hospital), implement it, stay strong, and then do all of the other bits of advice that regularly appear in all threads here re how to get over someone (gym, new social activities etc.). It really does work.

 

Without sounding patronising, you're young (23), and these are all valuable life lessons that we have to learn at some stage, and in years to come you'll be grateful that you went through this all now, rather than later down the line.

 

Trust me, we all regret not having gone NC with someone way earlier, but then that's the beauty of hindsight. At least you now know for sure that it couldn't have worked, rather than having doubts remain that might have messed up your relationship with your next gf (you will find someone else, guaranteed).

 

Motivate yourself to get over this challenge, and you won't believe the positives that will come out of it all.

 

Keep us updated.

[DustySaltus]

JJ, I'm very sorry about your situation. You will find a lot of support here.

 

The first thing you need to do is read the link in my signature which is about No Contact. Basically, you need to cut her out of your life.

 

You sound like a really good guy and you have nothing to be ashamed of. There's no doubt in my mind that you are a BETTER person than both of them. Who cheats on someone with a good friend? Well, the answer to that is someone who will be living back in their car soon (doesn't sound like someone who has a lot of friends).

 

As far as your ex friend, he's a piece of garbage. He's going to have to live with what he did to you. You can hold your head up high knowing that you are a good person, a loyal person and a resilient person.

 

I've been through this situation before with an ex friend of mine although it was at the initial point of meeting her. He sandbagged me, told her I was a player and not a good person in general. I did so many things for this guy. It hurt a lot and I was very angry but it made me a stronger person. I'm still here. I went through a broken engagement that was a mess.....still here. Everything will work itself out. I promise you that.

 

She's got more problems than an algebra textbook, consider yourself lucky. If a girl like this couldn't appreciate a guy like you....TRUST ME it's not your fault.

 

Stay strong and continue to post here.

 

DS

[jay_jay]

Thanks guys. I don't know know any of you but it feels great reading your posts.

 

I have been NC twice with my ex. She broke it the first time the day after v-day to give me a letter and I broke it the second time 2 days ago to give her back some stuff I found in my room. The first time we went NC it was our choice. I spoke to her for a few days and realized that she just wanted me around as a best friend, and I just couldn't handle what she had done. My councilor told me to get rid of her from my life. That she was bad news and it was not worth it.

 

Then like an idiot, I broke it to give her stuff back and we ended up talking and it felt nice, but I made her so comfortable that she started talking about her new guy. Man did that hurt. I was so frustrated, and I couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth. I guess deep down inside I just wanted her to tell me it was over between them but that never happened. I don't want her back, she treated me like crap and she told me I deserve way better (I always felt this was just a nice way to break up). I guess it would have made me felt better to know she wasn't with my friend. But instead I got to see how much she likes him and bla bla bla.

 

My emotions took over and I ended up telling her "I dont want to be a part of your life anymore ". She simple said "Ok" and I left. She texted me and told me "I care about you but I cant show it, I miss you every day of my life". I have no intention of breaking NC anymore, both times were horrible and i cried a lot. I realize she is gone now, and that nothing good will ever come from it. It hurts that she threw away a relationship that meant so much to me, all for the biggest idiot I have ever known. I never felt intimidated by this guy because I always though there was no way she would be interested in him.

I was so horribly wrong.

 

Well my self-esteem is at zero right now because of all this. I joined the gym two months ago and go 5 times a week. I work and am going to school. I lost 20 lbs in 2 months, and am getting stronger. All this so I never have to hear another girl tell me I am not sexually attractive. I am not fat, she just dated guys much better looking then me. It was always a problem. I am 23 and the worst part of being me is that I was not able to keep a strong connection with anyone around here besides her. When she left it was just me and my room. I wasted to much time and energy on just one relationship, that I lost everything else. This is the hardest part of this whole thing because I have nowhere to turn to.

 

Well guys, I am holding my head up... keeping a smile on my face, and trying my best to move on now. I have gotten plenty of closure and have nothing left to hold on to but the memories....

[Sadbutrelieved]

You're going to do fine - you're doing all the right things. Just think, summer's coming and you'll have freedom and a new body to work with...anything could happen

[mella]

I am sorry to hear of these betrayals. You are better off without either of these people in your life.

I am sure it hurts like a b*tch - but remember, you did nothing wrong here, you tried again and again to do the honorable thing, and it was taken for granted.

She has poor character, and you deserve better. I hope one day you will look back and be glad to be rid of such a low and deceptive person.

 

Wishing you bright skies ahead,

 

mella

[jay_jay]

well.. I deleted all my pictures off facebook since most were of us and it was sad. I was down so i ended up writing "fresh start" and "nothing is forgotten only left behind", on my wall, which a few people responded to in a positive way. The the next morning, I get a nasty message from my ex saying how I am immature and that I am trying to get everyone on my side buy making them feel sorry for me. She said "way to brodcast my life on fb.".....

 

Wow, i was blown away. All I wrote were two quotes that i read here somewhere and I get all that. Well i chose to just ignore it although I really wanted to write back a really nasty message for all the crap she has done. Man its been four days since then and I finally deleted the message so I cant reply. I hope I am doing the right thing.

 

Its amazing, I put a roof over this girls head for a year and never asked for anything in return. Now she has a new guy and all of a sudden she can kick me even when I am down. Sad

[LovelyDaze]

well.. I deleted all my pictures off facebook since most were of us and it was sad. I was down so i ended up writing "fresh start" and "nothing is forgotten only left behind", on my wall, which a few people responded to in a positive way. The the next morning, I get a nasty message from my ex saying how I am immature and that I am trying to get everyone on my side buy making them feel sorry for me. She said "way to brodcast my life on fb.".....

 

Wow, i was blown away. All I wrote were two quotes that i read here somewhere and I get all that. Well i chose to just ignore it although I really wanted to write back a really nasty message for all the crap she has done. Man its been four days since then and I finally deleted the message so I cant reply. I hope I am doing the right thing.

 

Its amazing, I put a roof over this girls head for a year and never asked for anything in return. Now she has a new guy and all of a sudden she can kick me even when I am down. Sad

 

I had to highlight that sentence because I seriously applauded!

 

Don't worry jay jay. She and the friend burned a bridge and they will soon have to reap the consequences of that. You sound like an incredibly upstanding guy that is just destined to have a wonderful girl come into your life soon.

 

First thing, Keep her deleted off of FB. You don't need to keep tabs on her and vice versa. Stay clear away from knowing what the hell she is doing. It won't help in your healing. The less you know of her status, the better.

 

Second, If she contacts you later on to beg for a place to stay, $50 loan, or your hand in marriage, ignore it. Just like her FB response...ignore it.

Do you know that silence says SO much more than any speech you could ever give? It would drive her nuts....deservingly.

 

Third, mourn the BS you just experiences. We know. A lot of us have similar horror stories that landed us here on LS. Mine is my 30 year old ex dumping me for a freshly minted 18 year old he met in Vegas. No warning or anything just, "Sorry, I'm engaged." after TWO weeks of knowing her! I mourned it hard and have moved on in baby steps. It's wonderful. You start to see the sunshine again and even start dating!

 

Hang in there. LS is a great place for support. Before you even think of contacting her in any way, come on LS and get a swift kick in the a$$ with tough love!

[jay_jay]

Man lovelydaze, you story makes mine look like a joke. That is just crazy. What a piece of s***. Well thanks so much for the reply. It takes a lot to resist replying to crap like that but it makes it all the worth while when I get feedback like yours. I hope your doing well! I wish you all the best too!

[LovelyDaze]

Man lovelydaze, you story makes mine look like a joke. That is just crazy. What a piece of s***. Well thanks so much for the reply. It takes a lot to resist replying to crap like that but it makes it all the worth while when I get feedback like yours. I hope your doing well! I wish you all the best too!

 

And thank you right back! I am doing okay day by day. That's what it will be for you too...day by day.

 

You will feel so strong everyday you DON'T contact her or look at her FB. I went from gazing at my phones and checking his daily status to nothing at all! My ex did try the FWB and even asked me to wait for him when he returns from Kabul WHILE still engaged to his fiancee'. What an a$$hat!

 

What you are...you will attract so stay a good man and those vibes will keep getting results. But the bad ones that do happen to come along? Cast them aside ASAP. No time to waste. Your real love is waiting...

[jay_jay]

I use to do the fb thing all the time. But her new pics with her new bf (ex friend) put an end to that. I stay away now. Learned the lesson with the horrible dreams after that day. Couldn't get the pictures out of my head!

[skydiveaddict]

I use to do the fb thing all the time. But her new pics with her new bf (ex friend) put an end to that. I stay away now. Learned the lesson with the horrible dreams after that day. Couldn't get the pictures out of my head!

 

 

Good for you my friend. Dont go near her fb page again it's poison