Panda123 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I met this guy online 3 weeks ago, he replied to my ad seeking a LTR, we started out emailing each other for a week or so and we met in person twice last week. We seem to be getting along, and I hope for the best that we can get to know each other better and progress to something more. We chat on MSN from time to time but while we talk about other things, we also talk about sex/fantasies quite a bit and he told me many times he wanted it with me and said this is what people do when they’re attracted. I am very attracted to him too but I am not sure if he only has lust for me. I told him we just met and that we didn't know each other that well yet. He then apologized for pushing and said it will be my call. I am not uncomfortable talking about sex as to me (and guess him) it’s very important in any successful relationship but what I find confusing is that, when we met, he was sweet, we just talked and held hands and he never seemed to be trying to take advantage of me when he could, but once online he seems to be totally different from the cool, shy guy I met in person, he just appears.. horny (and he admits that too).. Can anyone give me some insights please? We don’t chat/email each other every day but I take it it’s perhaps still early, but does it also indicate that he’s not that into me now that I told him I needed more time? Thanks.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 He prefers fantasy over reality? Online, it's just electrons. Facing a real live human being is an entirely different matter. Date more, chat less. Press flesh, not keyboards.
marsle85 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Date more, chat less. Press flesh, not keyboards. I like that !
xpaperxcutx Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 One thing I learned about dating in general is that you never talk about sex until at least the third date. Talking about sex makes you look promiscuous and gives a guy an opening to test whether he can bed you on the first date. If a guy wants to get to know you more, they wouldn't bring up sex unless they're after it in the first place. Only when you give them an opening ( " I like this and this position.." ) do they ever start telling you about their fantasies. If you want them to respect you, don't be so sexually open.
sagetalk Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Date more, chat less. Press flesh, not keyboards. This is very true. While it may appear that girls love to chat (they do), it is not true that they like to chat with a guy they want sexually. With him they want to get physical, with everyone else they want to chat endlessly. Most men never figure that out, I figured it out only recently. The more you chat (distance not face to face) before you are a serious couple, the more their brain puts you as friend. The more physical you get, the more they see you as boyfriend/lover. To the OP, that guy is a weirdo find another one.
Author Panda123 Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 But isn't it better than when he's all over me when we meet in person?? Or is he just too shy to act in person?
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 IMO, the dichotomy is unhealthy. It smacks of a schism in his brain. If he was consistent, one way or another, I'd be less concerned. Then, it would just be a matter of whether that consistency was/is compatible. I don't know if 'mixed signals' is the right term, but something just seems off here...
pandagirl Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Since you just met him, I think you just have to keep hanging out with him to see who he really is. When you just talk to someone online, you don't have a true sense of what a person is like. I met my boyfriend online, and we chatted on IM for a few weeks before we met. I was expecting someone who was academic, quiet and quirky, but in person he's actually very personable, talkative and outgoing. So, you never know!
Author Panda123 Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 So guess I shouldn't even initiate contact with him again right since we last communicated was via text and it's been 2 days. I may be a rules girl as somehow I think if he's really interested in me he would have been in contact with me more frequently than that but perhaps every guy/gal/situation is different.
Author Panda123 Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 @Pandagirl - actually on the other hand I contradict myself as I also seem to agree with you that afterall we just met and deep down I feel I need to get to know him more, which I told him and he seemed to be fine saying he's fine and he won't push.. I guess I will just have to let nature take its course but I don't think i will initiate contact until he does.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Encourage positive behavior by responding enthusiastically to invitations for dates and lukewarm to disinterested to idle chit-chat. Sitting here on the couch with the cat typing on a laptop is much 'lazier' than getting spiffed and getting out on a real date. Get my drift? Don't let the guy follow the path of least resistance; or, at minimum show him that such a path leads to a dearth of your presence.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 So guess I shouldn't even initiate contact with him again right since we last communicated was via text and it's been 2 days. I may be a rules girl as somehow I think if he's really interested in me he would have been in contact with me more frequently than that but perhaps every guy/gal/situation is different. Well have you talked to him about getting together again? General rule of thumb is not to initiate contact all the time, but then again don't make things too complicated by overthinking things. Listen to Carhill.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 we met, he was sweet, we just talked and held hands and he never seemed to be trying to take advantage of me when he could, but once online he seems to be totally different from the cool, shy guy I met in person, he just appears.. horny (and he admits that too).. Can anyone give me some insights please? We don’t chat/email each other every day but I take it it’s perhaps still early, but does it also indicate that he’s not that into me now that I told him I needed more time? Thanks. This sounds so much like the (overwhelmingly male) who is online mostly because he just isn't brave enough to talk to women in real life and be entirely comfortable doing so. Don't dump him because he's horny... dump him because he just doesn't have enough boldness and self-assurance to express himself suitably while in your midst. (***this does NOT mean he should be propositioning you in person, but IF he is indicating via his online persona that he's {basically a big talker/dreamer} online and that he doesn't/can't walk the walk in person, then you can simply do better) (This is exactly the sort of a guy who is on the net asking the unimaginative questions of women like "what color underwear are you wearing?" who then lands in a real-life meeting with a group from his favorite chatroom and sits almost silent in actual human company) ... they think any answer you're willing to offer to that online question is "hot", and it will turn them on for hours. You don't need that!
guideforonlinedating Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I met a lot of people through online dating (and eventually my husband) and I learned a lot about men and communication. I don't think you should contact him again. Wait to see if he contacts you, and if he does, pay attention to how quickly he turns the conversation to sex. From what you said in the beginning about him, I would move on. I don't think he is looking for what you are looking for. Sex should not come up online at all if he is looking for a meaningful relationship. I found that the guys who talked about sex right away were just looking for fun, nothing real.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I met a lot of people through online dating (and eventually my husband) and I learned a lot about men and communication. I don't think you should contact him again. Wait to see if he contacts you, and if he does, pay attention to how quickly he turns the conversation to sex. From what you said in the beginning about him, I would move on. I don't think he is looking for what you are looking for. Sex should not come up online at all if he is looking for a meaningful relationship. I found that the guys who talked about sex right away were just looking for fun, nothing real. Interesting choice for a first-ever post. I do agree that the shallow guys are the ones who bring up sex very soon, because their relative anonymity makes it so easy to do. They don't even have to see the mirrors in your eyes while effectively watching themselves offend you. I disagree that sex shouldn't come up "at all" in online discussion with a guy who is looking for a meaningful relationship. Indeed those who talk about sex right away are either looking for cheap sexual gratification in real life, or are just empty in the mind.
Author Panda123 Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 Thanks for everyone's input, he got back to me last week by SMS asking for a quickie at lunch when we only met twice before and didn't even do it. I have lost all the respect for this guy and said no, it's been a week since we last communicated and seriously I think I have moved on.
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