Men and Conflict Avoidance: Any Suggestions?

[CrestfallenNoMore]

I get that men think differently than women. Their way of thinking isn’t right or wrong, just as our way of thinking isn’t right or wrong. We process things differently, culturally we are raised to behave differently and our brains don’t work the same. So, I get that we’re different, I really do.

 

But does “conflict avoidance” fall into the "way guys just think" category?

 

I’m asking because I am an excellent communicator. If I know I’ve hurt you, I put aside any shame and embarrassment I feel and try to make it right. If you’ve hurt me, I will say so, without blame or name-calling, without accusing you of intending to do so, and without yelling. I’ll simply say “I feel hurt and here’s why.” I’m reasonable, rational, non-violent and the furthest thing from a nag you could possibly every meet.

 

Yet every guy I seem to involve myself with ****s his pants at the very thought of raising issues with me or responding when I raise them.

 

Trust me, I don’t want some full-on, accusatory, yelling kind of guy who gripes and complains about every little thing. But what is it, seriously, that prevents a guy from saying “I’m unhappy about XYZ and here’s why”? What prevents a guy from saying “I don’t like it when you do this”?

 

My ex-husband said absolutely nothing about his unhappiness and always said “I’m fine” when I questioned why he seemed down and sad. He said nothing about how he felt, then met another woman and promptly left me for her. My last boyfriend would avoid my calls or pretend to be busy and assume I was going to just break up with him if he knew he hurt me. And it doesn’t seem to matter at all that I respond well when confronted – nope. Every guy I seem to meet automatically assumes I’ll fly off the handle or blame them or…do something – perhaps some holdover from witnessing their parents fight or from previous relationships? I just don’t know, but despite the fact that I am so reasonable and rational, it doesn’t seem to matter at all, they seem…patterned to think it’s always going to be some big, messy scene when that would rarely happen.

 

I realize my communication skills are above average, and I don’t expect guys to have a higher emotional IQ than I do (my kingdom to meet a local guy who can distinguish between anger and hurt, for instance ) so I would never say “All guys are...” because that’s untrue. So I can only assume that there are guys out there who aren’t running scared when they’re in a relationship all the time. Aren’t there? Is my “good-guy picker” just that far off?

[threebyfate]

In general, most guys are more conflict-avoidant than women, where they tend to shrug things off a bit more. But what you're describing is more extreme.

 

If you don't want a conflict-avoidant man, avoid the really laid-back men, doormats and passive-aggressive types.

 

Or do what I did and find yourself a lawyer! H. is very clear when something annoys him. He can also take it. So we resolve, before resentment or permanent damage occurs.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

TBF, my last boyfriend IS an attorney. *LOL* An attorney who is too scared to confront. Hard to believe, eh? Might be why I thought I had it right that time.

[ADF]

Based on your descriptions, I'd say you've been experiencing a very common, human problem. And I don't think it is gender specific; I 've had many similar experiences with women.

 

The bottom line is this: many people--I want to say most people--are all about making things as easy as possible on themsleves. Concerns about how their actions make others feel are barely on their radar. I would bet every one of the men who treated you the way they did did so for one reason and on reason only: that was the easiest thing for them.

[carhill]

Pretty simple actually. Man annoys woman with conflict. Woman remembers annoyance. Woman is 'not in the mood'. Man enjoys marital solitude. EOS

[threebyfate]

TBF, my last boyfriend IS an attorney. *LOL* An attorney who is too scared to confront. Hard to believe, eh? Might be why I thought I had it right that time.

I'll bet he wasn't a litigator..oh...pardon me...I have to use the term "trial lawyer" on LS!

[CrestfallenNoMore]

ADF - Oh I know they're doing what's easiest for them, I do get that. I take it much less personally than I used to, but I never believed the "I lied to spare your feelings" blather my ex-husband said to me.

 

And you may be right, it is likely a human problem, though I tend to terrify meek, conflict-avoidant females with my directness so tend to have women friends who communicate much more as I do.

 

Carhill - that's a more generalized, slightly jaded post than I'm used to seeing from you. So a man will react that way even IF the woman doesn't then punish him for that "annoyance" (and certainly not in the bedroom - why punish myself, too?? )?

[CrestfallenNoMore]

I'll bet he wasn't a litigator..oh...pardon me...I have to use the term "trial lawyer" on LS!

 

Used to be, but now works in subrogation.

[carhill]

I just repeat what has been told to me by male friends, many of whom have been married double the length of my now-failed, inclusive of conflict, marriage. Bobble-headed dog and do what you want is their motto. They've got the silver to prove it works. Whateva...

[threebyfate]

Used to be, but now works in subrogation.

Then you're on your own, Girlfriend!

[Woggle]

Because too often conflict with women results in WWIII and women never ever forget about the fight and will hold resentment over it forever. It never truly gets resolved and only gets stored in a woman's brain only to be brought when she needs a weapon to use against him.

[saltnpepper]

Woggle is absolutely onto it. They'll store up disagreement for years and years. Women will - and I don't believe they notice this is what happens - gradually weedle out something, then use it as a weapon.

 

In general, women will do things like ask for the truth, then go ape ****.

 

There are specific exceptions. Confessions of resisting temptation go well. Only if true. Example: "D. was drunk and kissed me very hard. I think she just forgot her place in the world. I managed to get her untangled and calmed down."

 

That seems quite acceptable, unless what really happened was a kissing session followed by searching for D's undies.

 

Complain, debate, bring up gently, the woman always wants to be right. The more rational, loving, accepting they seem initially, the stronger the attack.

 

So I don't confess, don't argue. She has no idea how close I've come to just kicking her out, even though she's a sweetie. It's not that I'm a whimp, I'm just stoic and compromising works. And it isn't that compromise is easy. It's hard. I'm a hard hitter.

 

In contrast to almost everyone else, my gf and I communicate quite rationally. She's mega rational, and aware when she isn't being rational. I don't know that this would still be the case if I'd woken up next to her for 10 years!

 

Good luck.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I have a slightly different perspective.

 

I think that when men don't care or have stoped caring about the relationship, they don't feel like it's worthy of their time or energy to enter into a conflict situation. So they will just avoid it or user humor to deflect

 

I am a female and don't mind conflict, certainly have no problem in saying what is bothering me UNLESS I don't care too much about the person, be it friendship or relationship. If I don't care, I don't want stress or for things to become unpelasant so I catch myslef doing the same thing men do: make a joke or change the topic.