mella Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I was previously in a long term relationship, was engaged, and broke it off due to my ex's poor coping skills and emotional abusive behavior. Just under 10 months have passed and I haven't spoken to him or communicated with him in any fashion since the less than amicable break up. How do I know when I am ready to date again?
alphamale Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 How do I know when I am ready to date again? when u accept a date from a boy
Author mella Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 I don't really want to date a boy, I am 35 years old.
alphamale Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I don't really want to date a boy, I am 35 years old. you know what i mean
Author mella Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Is 10 months quick to be getting back out there? I am not looking to distract myself from heartbreak or anything, just bored with the solitude, mostly. I am past the point of evaluating myself and realizing what I contributed to the failure of the last relationship, and am thinking I may be ready to try applying this knowledge to the next one. But I am scared!
alphamale Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Is 10 months quick to be getting back out there? no its not....the faster you get back on the horse the easier it'll be
Author mella Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 You are probably right. I've done all the work, the therapy, the reflection, the "alone time", etc. I am still afraid that my "people picker" may be off. I wish there was a way to know ahead of time if I am finally straightened out. It's easier not to do it at all, just remain alone, but I know that's not right either. ARGH, not sure how to proceed.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 How do I know when I am ready to date again? I knew when it didn't matter to me whether I did or not.
Author mella Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Just typing these messages is making me feel anxious. Maybe I am not ready. I seem to have a lot of fear over the thought of putting my heart back on the chopping block again.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Another perspective is you're just getting to know new people. No hearts need to be put on chopping blocks. That said, if the prospect causes you to feel uncomfortable, then don't do it. Instead, go out with friends and enjoy yourself
Author mella Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Yea, I think this is one of the things enticing me to jump back in and find someone - I HAVE NOT ONE SINGLE FRIEND. I have set up 2 couples who ended up married, I did it to myself, I guess.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Most of my friends are long-married couples, most over 20 years. Good friends are valuable assets. I'd suggest starting there. IMO, that's part of the 'not matter' aspect. Dating should IMO enhance one's already full social life. It's a great way to share happiness and meet and greet new people. Maybe one will stand out.
adamt Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 i'd say by 6 months you should be looking to get some new male friends. even if nothign more than friendship it gets you familiar and more relaxed in their company. will help you move on. by 9 months you might not be over you ex fully but should be testing yourself with a few dates. push your boundaries. bur dont feel rushed into a relationship.you wont move on unless you move outside the comforft zone sometimes
LovelyDaze Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I think it's when you can date the person without putting too much pressure on the outcome. Some people want so much for a relationship to come out of a first date...obviously. We all want to find the right one. But..you should go into the date thinking that you are just going to have a great time getting to know someone. Don't think "This may be my future husband/wife" not even a GF or BF. To do so is setting yourself up for possible disappointment.
Author mella Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 That's a great way to look at it, Lovely Daze, and what I am telling myself is a big part of the battle!
Twenty-ten Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 First off Mella, good job on staying away from your x it definitely makes it better for the healing process of disengaging. I like to look at it as being ready to take the next step in "getting out of the funk" I only phrase it like that because the first few dates after a significant break up really only serve that purpose, to push you along in the process. You are asking, so I think you are ready to enter the next phase. More than likely you will date a few times find it pointless and revert back into not wanting to date mode for a little bit and you might rubber band a few times and then before you know it you are actually dating and enjoying it and then BAM! He, whomever he will be, enters into your life again and your heart will speak to you. Do it! Get back out there, it's ok if you're not ready to love, but it's time to get out of the funk.
Author mella Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Thank you 20-10! Your words make me feel inspired about the whole sh*tshow that is dating.
Twenty-ten Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Hahaha "shtshow" Well I won't lie to you at times it does feel like you are beside yourself watching an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" but the freak show eventually does subside.
Author mella Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 I do love that show, though! I guess I just feel like I am old and all those preconceived notions people have about someone my age who has never been married are going to outshine my potential. I know I am putting the cart before the horse here, but it's the truth. I hate the prospect of having to go through all of this AGAIN. This better be the last time!
Twenty-ten Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I love that show too but you gotta admit that Larry David sure ends up in some silly predicaments, as long as you can laugh it's all good. Honestly, you have to shake that notion otherwise you will bring that attitude with you into every potential scenario. By the sounds of it we are around the same age, possibly I am older (late 30s) but I never let that get in the way. A failed relationship never stopped me from knowing I deserved another one. You will only be judged if you allow people's issues to get to you. Sure there are people that will have their preconceived notions, what can you do, that's their issue not yours. Besides now a days most people are divorced anyway, personally I'd feel like more of a failure if I had to end a marriage and on top of it had kids. Realistically you will meet men in the same boat as you, or others who are divorced so really who's to judge whom? Relationships fail, big deal.
Author mella Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Wow, 20-10, I want your attitude about all of this! So how do you do it? Where do you find people to date (or where do they find you)? Are you on dating sites? I set up a dummy account on match.com just to see what was out there, and it ain't too pretty!
Twenty-ten Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 You can have that attitude, just don't care about the stuff that is truly not worth caring about. Who cares what others think you know your truth you know your worth, feast on that. Make a conscious effort to focus your energy on the big things, like taking care of yourself and being the best you can be in whatever aspect you choose. And just keep in mind that it will take time. If you are open to having the attitude of "it will happen when it happens" then that's exactly how it will go. At least that's been my experience. I was out a lot, I tried to go to a lot of social events and mostly met guys like that, but I also tried online dating though it wasn't for me so I jumped ship but then tried it again gave it another go almost a year later and I met him. I am currently in a relationship. But I went through a good year of dating and wanting to be with someone and then totally not.
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