just venting

[jj33]

I feel so silly that it still gets to me but I was out today with some people who i introdtuced to xMM a few some years ago. They told me about an evening they spent with him, how fabulous he was, what a great time they had, etc etc etc.

 

They said oh we had such a great time why dont we go again with you and xMM and I said well maybe then said actually we had a little bit of a falling out and tho I based it on business I ended up almost starting to cry...

 

They were shocked because so far as they knew we had a close business relatoinship. I couldnt stand hearing any more about their time together, couldnt stomach the thought of a night out with them with xMM.

 

And now these people either think I am really weird or they know there was more to it.

 

I feel like such an idiot. I feel even stupider that he is out having so much fun with everyone and I almost start to cry when people talk about him after all this time. I was really looking forward to seeing these people and now I feel like the whole thing was just a waste.

[califnan]

I feel so silly that it still gets to me but I was out today with some people who i introdtuced to xMM a few some years ago. They told me about an evening they spent with him, how fabulous he was, what a great time they had, etc etc etc.

 

They said oh we had such a great time why dont we go again with you and xMM and I said well maybe then said actually we had a little bit of a falling out and tho I based it on business I ended up almost starting to cry...

 

They were shocked because so far as they knew we had a close business relatoinship. I couldnt stand hearing any more about their time together, couldnt stomach the thought of a night out with them with xMM.

 

And now these people either think I am really weird or they know there was more to it.

 

I feel like such an idiot. I feel even stupider that he is out having so much fun with everyone and I almost start to cry when people talk about him after all this time. I was really looking forward to seeing these people and now I feel like the whole thing was just a waste.

 

-----------------------

 

Well it was They .. who pushed your buttons.. Don't be so hard on yourself .. You are still in the healing stages .. that's alright ..

[fooled once]

I feel so silly that it still gets to me but I was out today with some people who i introdtuced to xMM a few some years ago. They told me about an evening they spent with him, how fabulous he was, what a great time they had, etc etc etc.

 

They said oh we had such a great time why dont we go again with you and xMM and I said well maybe then said actually we had a little bit of a falling out and tho I based it on business I ended up almost starting to cry...

 

They were shocked because so far as they knew we had a close business relatoinship. I couldnt stand hearing any more about their time together, couldnt stomach the thought of a night out with them with xMM.

 

And now these people either think I am really weird or they know there was more to it.

 

I feel like such an idiot. I feel even stupider that he is out having so much fun with everyone and I almost start to cry when people talk about him after all this time. I was really looking forward to seeing these people and now I feel like the whole thing was just a waste.

 

Is he like the Messiah? I swear, you guys must work in a very small field because it seems everyone knows him and just loves him and all that.

 

I am so sorry you were emotional. Blame PMS ((hugs))

 

I wish he would just go away. I also wonder if he brings you up to these people, and then they bring him up to you.

 

Did many people know about you two?

[Crazyforhim]

I know how you feel..... I just got back from dinner with some co-workers and during the meal they started bringing up my MM and his wife (they both work at my company and everyone in the group knows them). They were talking about how they met at work, got married, etc etc etc. No one knows about us and I felt so uncomfortable. I pretty much just shut down and zoned out of the whole conversation which was probably a BIG red flag since they know MM and I are friends and work together closely. Hope I wasn't THAT obvious!

 

It's even harder too when you still work with that person because even though you may be trying to forget and block him out, it seems like something always comes around the corner to surprise you (like his name on an email or a co-worker innocently mentions him). Keep in the present, keep focusing on your healing and just look at this as a minor speedbump in the road to your happy future! ((HUGS))

[jj33]

Thanks. Fooled he is unfortunately a very important person in my field and more respected than I realized when I got involved with him and "can be" extremely charming. He has a lot of influence outside of my field just in life in general so people tend to suck up to him because he knows lots of famous and important people.

 

He does mention me to people so they mention him to me. I wish I wasnt still so emotional about him. There is no cause. Its been so so long since we were together I shouldnt even care when people mention him. Who is he anyway? Some guy who sucked at having an affair who isnt my friend. Why do I care?

 

I am sitting here telling myself I have to find a way to be tougher when he is mentioned and I have to accept that I am on the outside of things with him in business now and that I will at some point have to watch him with other women etc etc.

 

I just feel sick. I shouldnt have said dont invite him with me. I shouldnt have told them that we arent as close in business as we were. I should have kept my mouth shut. I just feel so stupid.

 

I wish he would disappear so that I never ever had to hear about him again or see him again.

 

And no almost noone knew about us and these people didnt but they may suspect now which is all my fault.. I mean who cries because a colleague was mean to them...

[jj33]

Crazy sometimes I am able to do what you did, just zoning out and being calm. But hearing about his antics with these people I thought wow. He is just so happy when he is out with these people and he and I cant even have a civil conversation without great effort. It just pushed all my buttons not that I want the affair back but that I lost a friend. And now I only have a clone in his place. But I need to be tougher.

[pureinheart]

OMG this is soooo hard, everytime I turn around I run into someone from work and the first question is, "How's exDM doing?"...they mean well, although it's like a stab wound that is continued to re-open and re-open time and time again.

 

Everyone suspected something, I mean how could they not as we were inseparable, although noone "really" knew for absolute sure.

 

Hey JJ hang in there, I understand how difficult this is to face periodically because of the job...

[fooled once]

Thanks. Fooled he is unfortunately a very important person in my field and more respected than I realized when I got involved with him and "can be" extremely charming. He has a lot of influence outside of my field just in life in general so people tend to suck up to him because he knows lots of famous and important people.

 

He does mention me to people so they mention him to me. I wish I wasnt still so emotional about him. There is no cause. Its been so so long since we were together I shouldnt even care when people mention him. Who is he anyway? Some guy who sucked at having an affair who isnt my friend. Why do I care?

 

I am sitting here telling myself I have to find a way to be tougher when he is mentioned and I have to accept that I am on the outside of things with him in business now and that I will at some point have to watch him with other women etc etc.

 

I just feel sick. I shouldnt have said dont invite him with me. I shouldnt have told them that we arent as close in business as we were. I should have kept my mouth shut. I just feel so stupid.

 

I wish he would disappear so that I never ever had to hear about him again or see him again.

 

And no almost noone knew about us and these people didnt but they may suspect now which is all my fault.. I mean who cries because a colleague was mean to them...

 

Stop beating up on yourself!! You are human, you have emotions. (hug) He really has done a number on you. Jerkface.

 

Take a positive from this --- now, you know what not to say But it has to be hard, I can't image having to deal with this all the time the way you do. You are showing a lot of strength and a lot of character. He may be able to smooze people and make himself look so great -- but you have heart, you have kindness and you are a real human who doesn't put on airs or try to make yourself something you aren't. NOR do you go around hurting others. You have a ton of compassion in you.

 

I do wish you well. Each day, you are getting stronger and stronger. Just don't beat up on yourself so much, okay ((hugs))

[jj33]

THanks Pure. I feel like such a goof that I cant let go of the pain. Its not serving me to hang on to it and he has asked me when I am going to stop being angry with him (well a little apology would help; not acting like an ass half the time would help...)

 

But tonite I was thinking OMG he could leave and he would be with other people and then I would have to be kept up to date on that all the time and know and watch and its more than I can take. I know its not the end of hte world, worse things happen to people all the time but its not fun.

 

Weve grown so far apart and there has been so much pain that there is nothing left between us and I hate him for that. I hate him for not acting better and not being more considerate of me and of my feelings over teh course of hte past year or so. he could have done SO much better and he didnt.

 

I just need to let it go. I know that. I wasnt the love of his life. If I was things would be different.

[Spark1111]

JJ, you are confusing his public personnae with his private one.

 

This again, has nothing to do with you and the relationship you thought you had.

 

Most successful businessmen have a charming intelligent exterior. My fWS does. This is what you and his OW have in common: you both fell in love with the facade adopted to charm others to get what you want, in either a professional OR personal life.

 

As you enter into the personal relationship, the facade starts to crumble, and you begin to glimpse the broken insecure and or damaged human that lives underneath the facade, full of human weakness like all of us. It doesn't matter. You love them anyway and think your love will either make them whole or keep them whole.

 

And we all learn the hard way; Love will not make them whole; not more loving, committed, or able to return our love in a way we expected.

 

I'm sure he appears to be a great guy. Doubtful you would have fallen in love with him if he didn't appear to be that way.

 

But now you know better. You alone may know that the emporer has no clothes on.

 

Listen, agree, nod your head, whatever. But when the day comes that you get a phone call inviting you to join the group when he is attending....well, just be busy, something has come up, so sorry.

 

It isn't that he did not love you enough, it is he does not love himself enough to ever even try to reconcile his public personna with his private one.

 

He doesn't have to. He, like his business admirers look and say, ahhh, look how successful he is; he must be amazing.

 

Once again, an external trapping masking some very real issues.

 

Happens all the time.

[Crazyforhim]

He does mention me to people so they mention him to me. I wish I wasnt still so emotional about him. There is no cause. Its been so so long since we were together I shouldnt even care when people mention him. Who is he anyway? Some guy who sucked at having an affair who isnt my friend. Why do I care?

 

Do you think he mentions you to others just because he knows it will get back to you and he wants to validate that he may still have some effect on your emotions?

 

That's what is so hard about all of this.... hard to feel anger and bitterness towards someone you loved so much when the love has felt so real.

[jj33]

I dont think so. He apparently mentions me out of the blue and in ways that are unecessary. Like I am on his mind. Someone even asked me about it about a month or so ago - why does he talk about you all the time? He wouldnt know that it would get back to me and I dont admit anything to these people. I just say we have mutual customers.

 

I used to mention him when we were together because he was on my mind. I dont mention him now unless I have to and even then I dont mentoin him, I mention his company but more often than not I say nothing and am brief but polite if someone mentions him, refocusing things on his company and taking the focus off of him as an individual.

 

Because he is a public figure and members of his family are public figures I have always been aware that people might mention him to me knowing that we worked together a lot looking for information or gossip and I have always been careful to deflect that.

[StoptheDrama]

JJ - don't feel stupid for having feelings. You've cared for someone who didn't and doesn't deserve it. Hopefully you're just having a rough patch right now. I know it's hard (do I ever...) but you are a strong, independent woman and you will be better than ever

 

Hugs to you

[jj33]

Thanks Stop. usually it doesnt bother me quite so much as this but somehow when they were going on and on about how important he is and how helpful he can be, all of the sudden I was thinking OMG I had that "protection" when we were getting along that if I needed him I could have called him and he would have helped me if I needed him to. I only ever asked him for help with something once but still it was comforting to know that I had his arsenal of influence available if I was ever really stuck. It makes me feel really vulnerable. Maybe its not as bad as it seems. Its been a long long time since we were together and of course he goes out and has fun with people. The fact that I cant manage to have fun with him or him with me when we are in each others presence is probably not that surprising.

 

Next time someone mentions him I willl keep my mouth shut. Just let them talk and change the subject as soon as possible. And if they want to invite us both somewhere I guess I just have to roll with it, I shouldnt put myself in a position where people may think twice about excluding me since he is the more important connectoin of the two of us and if one of us was going to be left out it would be me...

[OWoman]

JJ - I wouldn't stress about "what people think" - they've probably put it down to hormones anyway!

 

Of more concerns is that you're upset at yourself getting upset. You really do need to cut yourself some slack.

 

(((((hug)))))