Rylle Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Interesting. It seems like the men think you're silly for not wanting your SO to have an opposite sex roommate move in, while the women understand and/or feel the same way. Agree that I wouldn't like it. Since your bf is the one in control of who moves in, as opposed to having to agree with whomever the landlord chooses to rent to, I say go for it, IF you find out that he wants or would accept a female roommate.
St. Nick Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I don't get why it was okay to have female roommates before he met you. Did his previous gfs approve? Did any of his previous female roommates try to get with him? Also, why are you okay with him being so close with his female friends but not cool with a female roommate? As a guy, I would be offended if my gf told me not to get a female roommate. I would look upon her as being way too controlling and insecure. It would appear as if she can't trust me, or women being around me. I'd also start to believe that sooner or later she'd start giving me problems about my relationships with my female friends. That type of behavior is definitely a turn-off. You have the right to ask him not to have a female roommate, but he might start feeling uncomfortable with your behavior.
Author JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 I don't get why it was okay to have female roommates before he met you. Did his previous gfs approve? Did any of his previous female roommates try to get with him? Also, why are you okay with him being so close with his female friends but not cool with a female roommate? It was "OK" (meaning no one caused an issue over it or brought it up), because he was single almost the entire time; anything approaching a relationship was with a female roommate he was hooking up with. He did have one GF before me, and she actually was not OK with his living situation and frequently took issue with his female roommate (only one that I know of, at the time he might have only had one female and one male roommate, as opposed to two women). Yes, previous female roommates have "tried to get with him." I'm OK with female friends for assorted reasons, including: - He was friends with them for years before meeting me; they are not new friends (proven that they really are just friends and have no sexual chemistry) - They respect me and my BF's relationship with me There's a possibility that I would be OK with a female roommate, but there's at least an equal chance (if not greater) that I won't be OK with her, for one reason or another. So, since he has the choice, why bother taking that chance? That's my opinion. As a guy, I would be offended if my gf told me not to get a female roommate. I would look upon her as being way too controlling and insecure. It would appear as if she can't trust me, or women being around me. I'd also start to believe that sooner or later she'd start giving me problems about my relationships with my female friends. That type of behavior is definitely a turn-off. You have the right to ask him not to have a female roommate, but he might start feeling uncomfortable with your behavior. Thanks for pointing all this out.
BWLoca Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I wouldn't make any demands, but I would definitely bring up the issue for discussion. You have a right to express your opinions and boundaries. And he shouldn't make you feel ridiculous for bringing them up.
make me believe Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 It's absolutely within your right to request that he finds a male roommate! I would do the same thing. And I also don't think it's unusual that your only close male friends are relatives. I don't have any close male friends because in my experience men don't befriend women very often without having an ulterior (sexual/romantic) motive.
meerkat stew Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 The key is to find a roommate who will be a good roommate and pay bills regularly, that's what you should be helping him with by supporting him, not worrying about the roommate's gender. By having a defensiveness about gender of a roommate, you are putting your concerns ahead of his. Get on the same page where possible to avoid the drama that people hate in relationships. What if the prospective female roommate was not physically attractive?
threebyfate Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 No, you're not within your rights to define what kind of roommate he gets, unless you're living there too, full-time and the other person will in some way, negatively impact on your personal living space. ie. A smoker who insists on smoking in the home.
Author JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Thanks everyone. I've decided not to say anything about it.
Silver_star Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 AS a girlfriend I think its an appropriate request. Unless hes dirt poor and needs a roomate immedietly and the ONLY applicants are females...but that is likely not the case. He can just as easily get a male roomate..and I think he should. I dont think he should be offended if he cares about you..he will probably just thinks its cute that you care. If he is offeded by that request i would wonder why?
St. Nick Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Thanks everyone. I've decided not to say anything about it. You're welcome. Hope it works out. AS a girlfriend I think its an appropriate request. Unless hes dirt poor and needs a roomate immedietly and the ONLY applicants are females...but that is likely not the case. He can just as easily get a male roomate..and I think he should. I dont think he should be offended if he cares about you..he will probably just thinks its cute that you care. If he is offeded by that request i would wonder why? He'd be offended because it makes her look insecure and controlling. Red flags might pop in his head.
Author JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 AS a girlfriend I think its an appropriate request. Unless hes dirt poor and needs a roomate immedietly and the ONLY applicants are females...but that is likely not the case. He can just as easily get a male roomate..and I think he should. I dont think he should be offended if he cares about you..he will probably just thinks its cute that you care. If he is offeded by that request i would wonder why? Financially he actually doesn't need to have a roommate at all, and for the first year that he and I dated he only had one roommate, rather than two. Don't at all blame him for wanting to save as much money as possible (or spend as little as possible), however.
BWLoca Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 A girl would have to be really full of herself to not feel at least a little bit wary about her boyfriend moving in with another female.
Author JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 The key is to find a roommate who will be a good roommate and pay bills regularly, that's what you should be helping him with by supporting him, not worrying about the roommate's gender. By having a defensiveness about gender of a roommate, you are putting your concerns ahead of his. Get on the same page where possible to avoid the drama that people hate in relationships. What if the prospective female roommate was not physically attractive? I definitely need to be reminded about the drama aspect (I don't know if you remember me, but I recall you posted in one of my threads before). If she weren't physically or personally attractive it would still bug me, though admittedly the flirting factor would be very, very far down the list compared to the other reasons a female roommate would bother me. Even though I've decided not to say anything, I do think that I need to consider why this situation bothers me, as I have had bfs who lived with females roommates and never had a problem with the living arrangement.
meerkat stew Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 It's natural to have a little twinge of jealousy. The difference between a mature and immature reaction is whether you moderate your own responses internally and weigh them out, as you are doing here by posting, or just let that twinge turn into resentment that you either spill out or bottle up and make into a drama causing event. So congratulations on making this decision rationally as opposed to just allowing your initial feelings to rule you. Even if you decided to say something about it, you have taken the time to think as opposed to just going with first impulse.
BWLoca Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I guess I just don't see the point in staying quiet about something that obviously bothers you. I don't think this is anything minor. If it's bothering you now before it even happens, you'll definitely be bothered later on after the fact.
threebyfate Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Even though I've decided not to say anything, I do think that I need to consider why this situation bothers me, as I have had bfs who lived with females roommates and never had a problem with the living arrangement.Glad to hear that you're not going to say anything. It IS controlling behaviour. But what you've said above, is also key. What is it about your bf that makes you feel insecure? I've felt that kind of territorialism twice. Once with a man who I learned, cheated on me and the second time, with a grass is greener guy.
shadowplay Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 (edited) A girl would have to be really full of herself to not feel at least a little bit wary about her boyfriend moving in with another female. I disagree. I would have no problem with my bf living with another girl because I trust him. He could be in a room full of flirty, gorgeous models and I know he would never give in. I really think this is only an issue when you don't trust the guy on some basic level. I can imagine that I might have been uncomfortable with my ex living alone with another girl, but that's because he wasn't a decent guy. Edited March 11, 2010 by shadowplay
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