JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 If my BF ends up kicking out one of his current roommates, am I within my rights to request that the replacement roommie NOT be a girl?
alphamale Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 If my BF ends up kicking out one of his current roommates, am I within my rights to request that the replacement roommie NOT be a girl? no you are not within your rights to ask that. whomever qualifies gets to be the roommate. and he cannot discriminate by law.
New Again Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Well, he can't explicitly discriminate (or, since it's his home that he lives in, can he? I don't know) in an ad or whatever, but he can definitely turn down any females who come to look at the room. Alpha, why do you feel that it's not within her rights as the g/f? As a homeowner who rents out rooms in her home, if I had a b/f, I would probably turn down any potential male roommates, for the comfort of my b/f (but, I also prefer women over men anyways, for roommates).
Author JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 no you are not within your rights to ask that. whomever qualifies gets to be the roommate. and he cannot discriminate by law. Thanks for the response, but why not? What's your reasoning? For what it's worth, he lives in an area where he gets dozens of people interested in his rooms, and has no problem filling them. He can pretty much have his pick of people.
boogieboy Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Well, he can't explicitly discriminate (or, since it's his home that he lives in, can he? I don't know) in an ad or whatever, but he can definitely turn down any females who come to look at the room. Alpha, why do you feel that it's not within her rights as the g/f? As a homeowner who rents out rooms in her home, if I had a b/f, I would probably turn down any potential male roommates, for the comfort of my b/f (but, I also prefer women over men anyways, for roommates). Her situation is different, you WANT to make sure of your bf's comfort....her bf might want a female roommate. Ask him if he wants a female roommate first before making demands on him.
alphamale Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Alpha, why do you feel that it's not within her rights as the g/f? times are bad, whomever passes the credit check gets the room regardless of their genitalia in addition, what if hes secretly gay and has a male roommate?
Green Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Yeah you can ask him. Personaly I would not want a female roommate but if all the guys who came to the place seemed crazy and a girl seemed the best pick I'd want to use her. Most likely I would never want a female roommate unless it was my gf
alphamale Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 If my BF ends up kicking out one of his current roommates, am I within my rights to request that the replacement roommie NOT be a girl? if you had a falling out with a male "friend" would your BF be able to ask that the replacement friend be a female?
Author JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 if you had a falling out with a male "friend" would your BF be able to ask that the replacement friend be a female? The only male "friends" I have are my sister's husband (who, if he ceased to be her husband, would automatically cease to be my friend), my brother, and some of my male cousins. My brother and my cousins will always be my friends. In short, you really you can't make the point you're trying to make, as it doesn't apply to me.
JustLooking123 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Sure, you have the right to ask whatever you want. I wonder, however, why you feel the need to make this request. Is he untrustworthy? Do you have trust issues? Do you think he would choose a female roommate? Do you think he knows how you feel about the issue?
Author JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Until he met me, my bf has always had all female roommates, except for a couple months when one male roommate sublet to a female roommate. I didn't state my preference, but that's how it worked out, or perhaps how my BF worked it out. Trust doesn't really have anything to do with it; I simply think that having roommates of the opposite sex is asking for trouble. BF also has hooked up with a significant proportion of his female roommates in the past, if that matters. To be perfectly honest, I also don't want to deal with the dynamics (which will inevitably change) of having another woman in the house. I can hardly stand going over there and having to either ignore or clean up the messes of one of the roommates and his GF as it is; I really can't imagine what a potential nightmare another female who is actually paying rent might pose. And I don't care if that makes me sound selfish....
JustLooking123 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Trust doesn't really have anything to do with it; I simply think that having roommates of the opposite sex is asking for trouble. BF also has hooked up with a significant proportion of his female roommates in the past, if that matters. So what you're REALLY saying is that trust has EVERYTHING to do with it...Right? It's not "asking for trouble" if the person is trustworthy, and doesn't have a history of hooking up with roommates.
Author JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 So what you're REALLY saying is that trust has EVERYTHING to do with it...Right? It's not "asking for trouble" if the person is trustworthy, and doesn't have a history of hooking up with roommates. Even if trust is the real issue, I don't see how it matters. If you have a valid point to make, or some advice to share, please do so clearly. I will benefit much more from that than I will from foggy accusations about my character being at fault for not trusting my BF. However, to clarify my personal beliefs: again, whether or not I trust my BF has ntohing to do with it. Let's say that it is an indisputable fact that I completely trust my BF. The issue that comes into play in such a situation is that I don't trust the roommate, and she has no respect for me or my relationship with my BF. Let's say she is either interested in him, OR simply interested in being an ******* and flirting with him (doesn't matter which one). She flirts with my BF and otherwise makes me uncomfortable, and also makes him uncomfortable; he shoots her down and makes it clear that nothing will happen with her. Yet, I still have to deal with the fact that he put himself KNOWINGLY into a potentially bad situation. And then of course there's still the issue of him living with her after the fact, and possibly having to find a way to get rid of her and so on. The point isn't trust. The point is not putting yourself in a potentially questionable situation.
Eeyore79 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I wouldn't be happy with my bf living with another woman, unless it was his sister or something. Not that I don't trust him, it's more that I wouldn't trust her. Plus the dynamics of the situation would be all wrong if he was living with another (unrelated) woman and dating me... it's just wrong. I realise that it's illegal to discriminate based on gender, but I don't see why he couldn't turn down or otherwise discourage any female applicants. As a female I wouldn't want a male roommate because of concerns over personal security... imagine letting a guy who I had only interviewed once actually move into my home, it would be a huge risk. Would I be breaking the law if I turned down male applicants because of concerns about rape or whatever?
New Again Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 A lot of us probably have horror stories about living with opposite sex roommates, either from personal experience or from friends. There's probably also a lot of people who either never had a problem, or just didn't see that there was a problem. If I remember from your other posts, you've been dating your b/f for awhile - since in that time he's always had male roommates, I would assume that he will continue to do so. He would mention to you if he was thinking about renting to a woman, right? It would be hard for me to bring it up, but if you were going to do so, I wouldn't do it until then, as it doesn't seem this has been an issue in the relationship to date. The other situation with the roommate hasn't been resolved yet, has it? Calm down, one thing at a time!
JustLooking123 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Even if trust is the real issue, I don't see how it matters. If you have a valid point to make, or some advice to share, please do so clearly. I will benefit much more from that than I will from foggy accusations about my character being at fault for not trusting my BF. Wow, take a chill pill. I thought it might be helpful to point out that you may not completely trust him given his past behavior with roommates. There was no "foggy accusation about [your] character." Sounds like you're oversensitive about being attacked. If you are going to believe what you want on this issue, and are going to get snippy with people who respond to your post, why bother posting about it?
ADF Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Do you have the right to request it? Yes. Is he obliged to honor your request? Nope.
Author JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Wow, take a chill pill. I thought it might be helpful to point out that you may not completely trust him given his past behavior with roommates. There was no "foggy accusation about [your] character." Sounds like you're oversensitive about being attacked. If you are going to believe what you want on this issue, and are going to get snippy with people who respond to your post, why bother posting about it? I wasn't upset; I thought I was being polite and trying to get more information from you. Still being polite and curious, but trying to rephrase: You think I don't trust my BF. OK. So what is your advice to me then? How do you propose I resolve the situation I posted about?
JustLooking123 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I wasn't upset; I thought I was being polite and trying to get more information from you. Still being polite and curious, but trying to rephrase: You think I don't trust my BF. OK. So what is your advice to me then? How do you propose I resolve the situation I posted about? Have a civil, non-threatening conversation with him about how it would make you feel for him to live with a female. Be slightly self-effacing about it so that you don't come across as overbearing. For example, "I know it sounds silly and that I have nothing to worry about it, but it would be a little strange for me."
ADF Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 The only male "friends" I have are my sister's husband (who, if he ceased to be her husband, would automatically cease to be my friend), my brother, and some of my male cousins. My brother and my cousins will always be my friends. In short, you really you can't make the point you're trying to make, as it doesn't apply to me. Actually, that proves his point applies especially strongly to you. The only male friends you have are relatives, either by blood or marriage? That is highly unusual. Most women have male friends they're not related to. The fact you don't suggests you're particularly oversensitive about this kind of thing. You BF should definately not hesitate to get a female roomate.
Author JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Actually, that proves his point applies especially strongly to you. How so? I don't follow what you're saying. The only male friends you have are relatives, either by blood or marriage? The only male friends I have who I actually do consider true friends, yes. Those are the only male friends I would have long phone conversations with, or long/frequent chats online with, or do things like get a meal alone with. Obviously I have other male acquaintances or men I am friendly with, that I don't interact with to that extent. I don't think that's particularly unusual for someone who respects her SO. You BF should definately not hesitate to get a female roomate. Why? I don't follow your logic. For the record, my BF has female friends (who are more than acquaintances/friendly, whom he goes alone to dinner with and so on), and I don't have a problem with any of them.
bayouboi Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 The only male friends I have who I actually do consider true friends, yes. Those are the only male friends I would have long phone conversations with, or long/frequent chats online with, or do things like get a meal alone with. Obviously I have other male acquaintances or men I am friendly with, that I don't interact with to that extent. I don't think that's particularly unusual for someone who respects her SO. For the record, I agree that it's not particularly unusual. I have a few female friends with whom I'll share dinners with or deep conversations with, but once they get a bf I usually try to make myself scarce so as not to be disruptive & to be respectful of their relationship. For the record, my BF has female friends (who are more than acquaintances/friendly, whom he goes alone to dinner with and so on), and I don't have a problem with any of them. I think this part may be some of the problem. I think you and your bf have different views about the boundaries of platonic relationships. These are lines you admit you wouldn't cross out of respect for the relationship, yet on the other hand you demonstrate that he does cross these lines. You say you don't have a problem with this, but I think that this thread is evidence that you do. That being said, I don't think you're wrong for feeling the way you do. As to the topic question? I would think that it would be okay to bring your concerns to him as some have pointed out above. Good luck!
Author JessaL Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Thanks everyone who's responded. bayouboi, that makes sense, about our boundaries. I know that I have a tendency to get worked up about things before they're actually an issue (or get worked up about things that aren't/shouldn't be issues...)... So if anyone else wants to weigh in on if they think I have a right to ask my BF not to get a female roommate if/when he kicks out this other guy, please do. Also, it would be helpful if you gave a reason for your answer. Any suggestions on the appropriate time and how to talk about this would be welcome also. I don't really like "relationship talks" or anything, so if I decided to say something I would have a very hard time sitting him down and telling him how I feel about this. A casual comment in passing is more my speed....
Krytie TV Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 If my BF ends up kicking out one of his current roommates, am I within my rights to request that the replacement roommie NOT be a girl? Yes, you are in your rights, but I would support him in not taking the request seriously. As someone who watched this transpire with a roomate and his girlfriend, it is absolutely ridiculous. If you can't trust him to live with a female platonically then there is a huge trust problem (not to mention a hint of control on your part). I would simply tell him that as silly as it sounds, you would feel weird about him having a girl roomate and leave it to him to control his fate. Don't freak on him if he doesn't listen.
BWLoca Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I don't think there's anything wrong with you asking or expecting him to look for a male roommate instead of female. It certainly wouldn't sit well with me. And especially since he's hooked up with a number of them before.
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