Chi NZ Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Can't quite get my head around this Who's to make the first move ? I know what the general consensus is but what are everyone's experiances with this ?
DustySaltus Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Can't quite get my head around this Who's to make the first move ? I know what the general consensus is but what are everyone's experiances with this ? It's always on the dumper unless there was some cheating involved. Then all bets are off. When you are dumped, they are telling you that you are not good enough for them anymore and that there is someone better out there for them. Why would you ever want to chase someone down who felt that way? If the dumper realizes that they made a huge mistake they would be willing to do whatever it takes to get you back. That starts with them apologizing and admitting that they made a mistake. But the most important part is realizing what led to the breakup and BOTH of you making an effort to OVERCOME those issues. Without this, it's sure to fail down the line.
spriggig Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Chasing the "dumper" is pointless--their defenses shoot up the minute you speak to them. No logic, reason, pleading or begging will get past the wall they've put in front of you. The ONLY reason to approach a "dumper" is to CONFIRM for yourself that the relationship is truly over, if there is any doubt in your mind.
paperchase Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Chasing the "dumper" is pointless--their defenses shoot up the minute you speak to them. No logic, reason, pleading or begging will get past the wall they've put in front of you. The ONLY reason to approach a "dumper" is to CONFIRM for yourself that the relationship is truly over, if there is any doubt in your mind. This is so true. It's funny how it happens. It's like there is nothing you can say. You can be the greatest orator of all time and you will not move them. I can't understand the phenomenon but i can tell you it exists. The more you talk the stronger their resolve. Nothing about the past, no matter how great, will help your cause either. Having said that, I think this applies to mostly women because once they dump you, they've really thought about it for a long time so they are quite committed to the decision.
Author Chi NZ Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 hmmm I see, that clears alot of that up for me cheers people One other thing is the same still true when the dumpee had a lot to do with the breakup ? Does that mix things up a bit or is the above advice still relevent ?
DustySaltus Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Having said that, I think this applies to mostly women because once they dump you, they've really thought about it for a long time so they are quite committed to the decision. Have to disagree. I've had two girls I was with for a significant amount of time come back. Yes, two people are to blame for a break up but it takes two to make it work as well. I didn't feel the commitment on their end and plus I was with other people. C'est la vie.
DustySaltus Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 hmmm I see, that clears alot of that up for me cheers people One other thing is the same still true when the dumpee had a lot to do with the breakup ? Does that mix things up a bit or is the above advice still relevent ? You need to better yourself before you can be with anyone else. Sometimes dumpers see this, sometimes they don't. But you can't wait for them. If they come back they need to come back strong otherwise it's just an ego boost or putting a band aid on a gunshot wound.
paperchase Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Have to disagree. I've had two girls I was with for a significant amount of time come back. Yes, two people are to blame for a break up but it takes two to make it work as well. I didn't feel the commitment on their end and plus I was with other people. C'est la vie. What don't you agree with? I'm not saying they don't come back. Mine came back, although a year later she's waffling again. What I'm saying is that women don't generally decide to end it on a whim and that's why talking them out of the decision is hard. Sometimes to us guys it feels like the break up is coming out of nowhere, but a woman has been strengthening her resolve leading up to it while we may have been oblivious. I think the fact that you didn't feel the commitment on your lover's end and found other people to be with is rare. I didn't feel it in my case but I hung on desperately hoping to recapture the magic. The second time around I'm getting the same feeling but I'm really trying to create new options instead of watching the trainwreck.
DustySaltus Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 What don't you agree with? I'm not saying they don't come back. Mine came back, although a year later she's waffling again. What I'm saying is that women don't generally decide to end it on a whim and that's why talking them out of the decision is hard. Sometimes to us guys it feels like the break up is coming out of nowhere, but a woman has been strengthening her resolve leading up to it while we may have been oblivious. I think the fact that you didn't feel the commitment on your lover's end and found other people to be with is rare. I didn't feel it in my case but I hung on desperately hoping to recapture the magic. The second time around I'm getting the same feeling but I'm really trying to create new options instead of watching the trainwreck. Well, my case is a rarity. I was engaged one day, planning a wedding and the next day I was gone and it was over. Of course I was dealing with someone with mental issues but it was like 0 to 60 in 24 hours....just a complete disaster. Before her, the two ex's I was with in the past came back but I had grown up a lot and saw what was out there and just decided to brave the unknown. But I know that hanging on feeling as well. It's good to have that fight in you, don't ever lose that.
Author Chi NZ Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Well had a counseling session last night and asked the same question. My counseller was of the opinion that it doesn't matter who initiates the reconciliation first, the dumpee can ask and the dumper can say yes/no and vice versa. She said one had to be cautious when doing so and that both parties have to be in a place where reconciliation is an option. I guess thats when time apart and healing oneself comes into play I suppose.
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