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Cheating Bandwagon, why are people so quick to accuse?

blue.iris

By blue.iris
in General Relationship Discussion

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blue.iris Member

blue.iris

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I have noticed that quite a few people on these boards are very quick to jump on the cheating bandwagon.

 

Girlfriend has a few inappropriate text messages? She's cheating.

Boyfriend has a few inappropriate text messages? He's cheating.

Wife gets pregnant? Be sure to do a paternity test to make sure she hasn't cheated.

 

Why? Doesn't this kind of paranoia kill new relationships before they can develop?

JessaL Established Member

JessaL

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It's a phenomenon on this board, I believe, NOT IRL, because many people found this forum as a result of cheating, and they have an outlook on relationships/the opposite gender now that falls somewhere on the line between jaded, bitter, and twisted.

silic0ntoad Established Member

silic0ntoad

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I think everyone on here is looney. Myself included.

 

Hell, we should host an official LS get together in NY. It'd be like a full moon in midday. Everyone in the city would be accused of cheating!

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blue.iris Member

blue.iris

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It's a phenomenon on this board, I believe, NOT IRL, because many people found this forum as a result of cheating, and they have an outlook on relationships/the opposite gender now that falls somewhere on the line between jaded, bitter, and twisted.

 

It is especially hilarious when the posters giving 'advice' are somehow personally offended because the OP is sure his/her partner isn't cheating.

 

donnamaybe, those paternity posts are ludicrous to the point of absurdity :laugh:

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

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It depends on the context, really. The more a person posts about a given situation the more clear it is what is probably going on. I recognize it so well because I was a big time philanderer and OW myself. You recognize certain 'tricks of the trade' so to speak when others talk about them in context with other red flags.

A O Established Member

A O

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Why? Doesn't this kind of paranoia kill new relationships before they can develop?

To them, it isn't paranoia, its simply sharing their knowledge.

 

Wife gets pregnant? Be sure to do a paternity test to make sure she hasn't cheated.
Can't let this go without commenting on it. The paternity test for 'most' men is about ensuring the child is theirs, looking for piece of mind. The cheating element is further down the food chain for most men, but right up there in bright neon lights for some women. Arguably, they're the paranoid ones.

 

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A O Established Member

A O

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Paranoia? That's ridiculous. You canNOT have a child NOT be yours unless your spouse screwed another guy. That's called cheating. Therefore, if you NEED a paternity test, you THINK your wife cheated on you.

It all depends on how one interprets things at the end of the day. Most men see and say one thing, some women see and say something totally different. That's OK. That's just a starting to point to work things through, to find some sort of middle ground.

 

Good gawd. It's so simple, yet some men have SUCH a hard time grasping the concept. :confused:

It is simple Donna, that much is very true.

 

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Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

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I have noticed that quite a few people on these boards are very quick to jump on the cheating bandwagon.

 

Girlfriend has a few inappropriate text messages? She's cheating.

Boyfriend has a few inappropriate text messages? He's cheating.

Wife gets pregnant? Be sure to do a paternity test to make sure she hasn't cheated.

 

Why? Doesn't this kind of paranoia kill new relationships before they can develop?

 

It depends on each situation.. but IMO.. most of the time.. if someone is in a serious relationship and is texting inappropriate messages.. they are fooling around somehow.

 

About the pregnancy.. I have not read any of those threads.. but IMO this is a little farfetched..

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Because we live in a world where blind trust gets you steamrolled.

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blue.iris Member

blue.iris

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It depends on the context, really. The more a person posts about a given situation the more clear it is what is probably going on. I recognize it so well because I was a big time philanderer and OW myself. You recognize certain 'tricks of the trade' so to speak when others talk about them in context with other red flags.

 

I get what you're saying. But in a quite a few cases, your tricks of the trade might not be transferable to another situation. For example, if someone's posting about inappropriate texts but also states that they know for sure their partner isn't cheating, a whole bunch of people disregard that and go on their own rant about cheating. The OP knows their SO a LOT more then people who read about the situation on an online board.

 

In my case, my bf has a friend (the reason behind me joining this board) who has always sent him inappropriate texts/messages (though he has never responded back inappropriately). I can guarantee he would never ever think of this girl in a sexual/romantic way. Yet, I feel like if I'd posted the problem in this forum instead of the Friends and Lovers forum, I would have had a ton of 'he's cheating, dump him' responses.

 

I agree that inappropriate texting, partying/clubbing without the SO present, not putting an end to a friend's inappropriate behavior etc are all disrespectful to the relationship. But immediately implying that cheating is taking place is counterproductive.

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

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There usually has to be more than one factor present. One puzzle piece might send up a red flag, but when you see more than a few things: both behavioral and circumstantial you get a few more pieces and begin to see an all too familiar picture. I won't say anything about cheating until I see a definite and very familiar pattern.

JackJack Established Member

JackJack

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I think in a relationship forum, you're gonna get a mixture of people. People who are quick to assume, accuse, give out advice and opinions etc etc. The list goes on. I think too, some people feel very strongly about certain subjects for whatever reason, and it doesn't mean their opinion is right or wrong really. I think all people want some type of validation for how they feel, from the people who make the posts (about whatever) to the people who reply.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Well, I had an EA. I personally know (they've told me directly) at least a half dozen women who cheated on their husbands, not including the one I had the EA with. All those women are still married, and most over 20 years. I also know a few guys who cheated (told me). I also know how my behaviors were as an OM and MM. That's where my perspective comes from, basically from 50 years of living an imperfect life. If it quacks like a duck .....:)

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blue.iris Member

blue.iris

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Makes sense guys, thanks for the insight.

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blue.iris Member

blue.iris

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Agreed, donnamaybe. It also seems that some male posters (who have immediately jumped to cheating conclusions when another male poster asks for advice) think a woman who does not make her partner the ultimate priority deserves to be cheated on.

JamesM Established Member

JamesM

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Posted
It's a phenomenon on this board, I believe, NOT IRL, because many people found this forum as a result of cheating, and they have an outlook on relationships/the opposite gender now that falls somewhere on the line between jaded, bitter, and twisted.

 

Couldn't have said it better. The assumption here is...marital problems equal cheating equal divorce.

 

It is especially hilarious when the posters giving 'advice' are somehow personally offended because the OP is sure his/her partner isn't cheating.

 

I find this very amusing. And yes, it does turn out to be true at times. However, there are so many reasons that partners may not be getting along that to assume that cheating just has to be part of it IMO is absurd.

Joe Normal Established Member

Joe Normal

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Paranoia? That's ridiculous. You canNOT have a child NOT be yours unless your spouse screwed another guy. That's called cheating. Therefore, if you NEED a paternity test, you THINK your wife cheated on you.

 

 

That's not true. Checking something does not mean you think you will find that thing. For example, if I buy a house I will check the title. That does not mean I think the house seller is a fraudster. It means that in the 1% or less chance that they *are* a fraudster, I save my ass instead of getting bankrupted. I also have home insurance, that isn't because I think my house is going to burn down this year, it's because I want to protect myself in case it does.

 

If a woman I was with got pregnant, even if I was 99.9% sure she hadn't cheated, I would always get a paternity test, because then I can be 100% sure. I avoid getting raped for 18+ years on the small chance that she did in fact cheat and has another guy's kid. Like Reagan said, trust but verify.

Joe Normal Established Member

Joe Normal

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As for the cheating bandwagon - the reasons the accusations fly is because cheaters behave in obvious, predictable patterns and leave plenty of clues they are cheating. When someone comes on here saying "is my wife/husband cheating?" they *already* have suspicions. They then post things like "he stayed out till 4am, had his cellphone unreachable, and came back smelling of perfume. He told me he went dressed in drag to the office fancy dress party, and that I'm being paranoid. What do you think, Loveshack?" And we roll our eyes for the umpteenth time and say sorry, but he is sleeping with someone at work. And most of the time, we are correct.

 

To someone who hasn't read thousands of stories of cheating partners, it may not seem obvious. Just as it isn't obvious to a rookie detective when someone is guilty as sin. With experience comes better instincts. Cheating and relationships are just like anything really, you study it, you see the same patterns repeat again and again, and you start to learn what to look for. When there are red flags galore then I'm afraid we are going to start pointing the finger.

Not the love ace Established Member

Not the love ace

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I think everyone on here is looney. Myself included.

 

Hell, we should host an official LS get together in NY. It'd be like a full moon in midday. Everyone in the city would be accused of cheating!

 

I hear you on that! HEHE!

ADF Established Member

ADF

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Demanding a paternity test from your wife if you've no reason to doubt her fidelity is indeed silly. But as for the rest, those are all BIG red flags. A person would be foolish to ignore them.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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As for this "trust but verify" BS, if you have to verify there IS no trust.

 

It's BS to you. You're welcome to your perspective. Good on ya. Now, if you want to get into it with me, happy to oblige. I'm not taking your BS personal attacks anymore. Eat that :)

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