freestyle Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 I don't believe that just because you are related to someone that they get a free pass for being unreasonable or cruel. I think my exH and you are different, thankfully. My ex MIL ruled her family through guilt, and my exH was terrified of her. The fact that he couldn't stand up for me ruined our relationship. I think asking your wife to grin and fake it negates her pain and minimizes the actions of your parents. That's how I felt when my husband used to ask the same of me. One thing I can tell you- if my in-laws had have made a sincere effort to apologize and make amends, I would have been so elated, so relieved, so "all about that". I imagine your wife has her defences up (rightly so) when she speaks of hating your family- but a sincere apology would most likely soften her. She really did make a lot of effort to try and sort things out in the beginning by pushing you to be open and honest about your living situation- so she obviously cares. I think she's just been pushed too far and is reacting accordingly. I feel bad for you as well, because I know you just want peace. The section that I bolded here is HUGE. (sorry you had to go through that, D-Lish)I've had a similar experience, myself , with a friend of my SO's. She has been incredibly rude to me (when his back was turned)on numerous occasions, including the first time I ever met her, and it's caused nothing but ill will and tension in the R between myself and my SO. I did nothing wrong, bent over backwards to be friendly, and it didn't improve things one iota. While I realize the uncomfortable position this puts my SO into, I'm not the one who created this dynamic...yet I feel like my feelings are being invalidated, minimized, trivialized....which is only serving to create a huge resentment in me. My guess, is that's what your W is feeling.She was wronged, immensely. Especially regarding the incident with your sister........according to your OP,your sister : 1. instigated with name -calling 2.ecsalated by getting physically violent 3. then lied about who started it to your parents (essentially defaming your W's character,in her absence:sick:) you made a mistake in not setting the record straight with that right away. You were a witness to that incident---your W does not deserve to be falsely accused. I can totally understand how your W is beyond furious at this point. And possibly on the verge of an ulcer..........I don't blame her one bit for feeling the way she does now. Especially when she's done nothing wrong, yet she's feeling like she's being punished. Asking her to "grin and fake it" is kinda like slapping her in the face at this point.And the insult is greater, coming from the one person who should be standing up for her........YOU. Please try to make this right, the letter writing is a great idea.
donnamaybe Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 A few posts claimed that "blood is thicker than water" If this is true, then your family should be more concerned with maintaining the family unity than dividing you and your girl. Good luck, and keep us posted!
Fiestykitten Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 OP, you're an adult man. Make your choice and announce it. Your family bore you and raised you. That isn't a life sentence of penal labor. You owe them nothing, just as your children will owe you nothing. Anything else is just selfishness. Stand by your de-facto wife and insist on equitable and fair treatment for her, and/or disconnect those (anyone) who would disrespect her and your union. If you don't, she will leave you. Hope you like being alone I have to agree. Coming from being in the same situation you will possibly lose your wife if this continues. After visiting several marriage therapists, a seperation, and 1 signature away from legal separation my husband is finally realizing he is a husband before a son or brother. This stemmed from insulting emails , racist remarks, and disrespectful behavior toward my family on our wedding day (over a year ago) and it has yet to completely stop. All the therapists agreed that his family is wrong in their behavior and until he spells it out that they have to respect his decisions (right or wrong), his marriage & wife the marriage will continue to suffer. If you let your family dictate who you commit to now they will continue to well into the next relationship. For a woman it's a big loss of respect when a man cannot stand up to his own family for an injustice she is not guilty of. It's about standing up over & over again until they get the point that you have made your decision and are sticking by it no matter how they guilt you. You know in your heart your wife does not deserve this disrespect and if your not willing to face up to your family than maybe you need to rethink your commitment. Many of my married male friends have shared that until they stood up to their family(in regards to their relationships & overall lifestyle) they were treated like kids. It took several aguments but in the end they felt they have gained their familys respect as an adult. Like yours, my husbands family doesn't feel they did anything wrong. Unfortunately, this is still a huge issue in our marriage that has made me hestitate getting pregnant. If you contniue to let your family call the shots it will get worse when you have kids. So you risk losing your wife now, or losing your wife & child later. I don't know what the future hold for my marriage....... The success & failure of your marriage is in YOUR hands.
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