Author Spark1111 Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Thanks for the hugs, Got it, your posts are always so helpful to me. I might have mentioned it to him, but not discussed it really, no. Right now I just feel we are stuck in limbo. It is not like I am asking him to leave his wife, just to go to IC and see if it is for him, but he is the kind of guy who prefers to figure things out for himself. I just think this one is too hard for him to manage on his own. Now he suddenly says he is not even sure anymore he is even going to ever tell her. Sigh. It feels like we are stuck in this triangle and going nowhere. I am having a bad day today as you can tell. Im sorry Jennie-Jennie. If he did have the courage to attempt IC, it could also go the other way; he may realize the courage to not only tell hisW, but to leave her to be with you. I'm sorry you are experiencing this now.
Author Spark1111 Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Yes, I tried to get him to go to counselling many times over the lifetime of our marriage. He refused so I started IC. I was able to finally get him to go to one session but after that he refused to go. He didn't feel that he nor us needed it. So, yes, I tried multiple times even up to the last year where I asked him for one thing, just do one thing for me and go to IC (I never asked him for anything. That is why that request was such a big deal). He said he would but never did till after I moved out. Sorry, his loss. Why is so often men REFUSE to change? Is it considered unmanly to either seek help or change their behavior? I know this; when a woman is done, SHE IS DONE FOR GOOD! How many women spend years asking for more time, attention and affection as the man comes home from work, eats dinner, and grabs the remote with more passion than his woman? He castigates her as a nag, or begins to adopt the negative attitude of "I provide, help with the kids, cut the lawn, so what more do you want from me," and one day, she just ups and leaves. And that's it. Why? He stopped taking the time to make her feel special and womanly. And these guys are always complaining they never have enough sex...think about that. Now his attempts at sending flowers, making dinner served by candlelight, "date" night are futile. I have read when a woman emotionally disconnects, not only is it after years of begging and nagging, but is almost always permanent. How sad!
jennie-jennie Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Jen - has he read the book Heather discussed in the other thread - "When good people have affairs"? Her description of it sounds as if it might be useful to him. Sorry Spark for the t/j... Yes, he has, the book is okay, but my MM's issues go deeper than that. He can't just rationally figure out who he loves the most, he needs to work on his issues. Mira Kirshenbaum claims if you follow her steps you can make a regret free decision. We all know how these MM tend to flip-flop if they have not worked through the issues that are behind their indecision. So my MM's sentiment is that there is more to it than what Mira claims, at least in a case like his.
jennie-jennie Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Jen - has he read the book Heather discussed in the other thread - "When good people have affairs"? Her description of it sounds as if it might be useful to him. Sorry Spark for the t/j... Im sorry Jennie-Jennie. If he did have the courage to attempt IC, it could also go the other way; he may realize the courage to not only tell hisW, but to leave her to be with you. I'm sorry you are experiencing this now. Sorry, his loss. Why is so often men REFUSE to change? Is it considered unmanly to either seek help or change their behavior? I know this; when a woman is done, SHE IS DONE FOR GOOD! How many women spend years asking for more time, attention and affection as the man comes home from work, eats dinner, and grabs the remote with more passion than his woman? He castigates her as a nag, or begins to adopt the negative attitude of "I provide, help with the kids, cut the lawn, so what more do you want from me," and one day, she just ups and leaves. And that's it. Why? He stopped taking the time to make her feel special and womanly. And these guys are always complaining they never have enough sex...think about that. Now his attempts at sending flowers, making dinner served by candlelight, "date" night are futile. I have read when a woman emotionally disconnects, not only is it after years of begging and nagging, but is almost always permanent. How sad! You guys are just so sweet. You are really supportive. It is nice to experience that here on LS, where the discussions often go wild. Thank you. Spark, what you described above is so true for me. Once I am done, I am done, and then the man stands there with a stupid expression on his face and wonders what happened. I can tell you what happened. You did not listen when I told you time and time again what I needed. It is so sad really. I was the one who ended both of my main relationships prior in life. You try to communicate but the man does not listen until it is too late.
Got it Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Sorry, his loss. Why is so often men REFUSE to change? Is it considered unmanly to either seek help or change their behavior? I know this; when a woman is done, SHE IS DONE FOR GOOD! How many women spend years asking for more time, attention and affection as the man comes home from work, eats dinner, and grabs the remote with more passion than his woman? He castigates her as a nag, or begins to adopt the negative attitude of "I provide, help with the kids, cut the lawn, so what more do you want from me," and one day, she just ups and leaves. And that's it. Why? He stopped taking the time to make her feel special and womanly. And these guys are always complaining they never have enough sex...think about that. Now his attempts at sending flowers, making dinner served by candlelight, "date" night are futile. I have read when a woman emotionally disconnects, not only is it after years of begging and nagging, but is almost always permanent. How sad! Spark, I do agree with your last point but feel I need to somewhat defind my xH. We do not have kids and both worked very good jobs so there was not a disparagy between what we both did at home. But he did just want to watch TV at home and never wanted to go out. He also had other issues that he wouldn't address. But we just slowly faded into our own lives. I had groups of friends that never met him! And it wasn't from me asking him to go out, he just had no interest. He just wasn't invested into life and there was nothing I could do to force it to happen. So I stopped trying. He was going to live his life the way he wanted. I could either accept it or not but I was not going to force change, I had attempted that with no avail. So I finally just had to walk away. My affair was my wake up call. If I was able to do that then I was done with the marriage and that door was closed. And you are right, I was done. I have been done, I am currently done and I will always be done. While I feel love for him I will never be in love with him again. It is more like a friend or brotherly love. I wish him all the best. What I have experienced with sMM is by and far a greater, deeper love than I ever had with my xH.
Got it Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 Thanks for the hugs, Got it, your posts are always so helpful to me. I might have mentioned it to him, but not discussed it really, no. Right now I just feel we are stuck in limbo. It is not like I am asking him to leave his wife, just to go to IC and see if it is for him, but he is the kind of guy who prefers to figure things out for himself. I just think this one is too hard for him to manage on his own. Now he suddenly says he is not even sure anymore he is even going to ever tell her. Sigh. It feels like we are stuck in this triangle and going nowhere. I am having a bad day today as you can tell. I am glad I can be of help. Sometimes I feel like my post drift without ever getting to their point. Why not talk to him about it? Whenever I was afraid to talk to sMM about something I would ask myself, What do I have to lose? And discussing things with him and getting all the information was always the better option. And I definitely recommend the book that OWoman said. It was very helpful for me as well when I was trying to understand sMM.
jennie-jennie Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 And you are right, I was done. I have been done, I am currently done and I will always be done. While I feel love for him I will never be in love with him again. It is more like a friend or brotherly love. I wish him all the best. What I have experienced with sMM is by and far a greater, deeper love than I ever had with my xH. It seems to me that when women come to this point they leave, but when men come to this point they hang on, trying to still do their best to fulfill their duty. That is what causes long term affairs in my opinion.
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