unsureLP Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I'm trying to get a grip on counseling and how it's supposed to help. My husband and I have been going for about three months but the fights haven't stopped. What are the chances of working things out through a counselor? How long does it usually take for things to start getting easier? How can you get your partner to be a bit more open in sessions? Should I even try? Does it still work if he has trouble opening up? How do you maintain a shred of normalcy after emotionally draining sessions? What do you do if going to counseling itself sparks fights?
floridapad Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 My suggestion is retrouvaille. It's an emersion program for a weekend and I have heard AMAZING things about how it turned even the most difficult marriages around.
Author unsureLP Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 You mentioned it in my other thread too, and I appreciate it. I did look it up and I would be open to going. I brought it up to my husband, but he is vehemently against anything religious (no matter what religion). So he said that we should just keep trying counseling.
floridapad Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I understand! There are other marriage emersion weekends that can be very productive. Marriage builders is one but there are many others. Is he open to the idea of going to a marriage emersion weekend? How much reading about relationships do you two do together? You really need a plan at this point. Marriage builders can help.
LonelyTiger Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I'm trying to get a grip on counseling and how it's supposed to help. My husband and I have been going for about three months but the fights haven't stopped. What are the chances of working things out through a counselor? How long does it usually take for things to start getting easier? How can you get your partner to be a bit more open in sessions? Should I even try? Does it still work if he has trouble opening up? How do you maintain a shred of normalcy after emotionally draining sessions? What do you do if going to counseling itself sparks fights? Hi unsure It seems like a really positive thing to me that your husband is even attending the counselling sessions. My husband pretended to agree to go but, if I made an appointment, he would always find a reason not to -the most common one being 'what's the point'! He walked away from the marriage without making any effort whatsover. Not surprisingly, we're now getting divorced! Have you considered asking your counsellor how he/she thinks the two of you are doing? If you need to, you should be able to see him/her alone to discuss how things are going. If you're still concerned that things aren't working as well as they should, another option is to find a different counsellor.
Author unsureLP Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 To be honest, we haven't done a whole lot of reading on marriages and relationships together. Do you have any recommendations? Something we could start with? The only remotely R oriented we've done is "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation" by Deborah Tannen
LonelyTiger Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 To be honest, we haven't done a whole lot of reading on marriages and relationships together. Do you have any recommendations? Something we could start with? The only remotely R oriented we've done is "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation" by Deborah Tannen If your husband is prepared to do some reading, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a must. It presents a whole new way of communicating your feelings to your partner and I think if I'd known about it earlier I might have saved my marriage.
onedayatatyme Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Maybe you guys need a different counselor? I've met 4 of them and they all had different styles. One, I thought was really abrasive. Especially toward me. I think she recognized me as the stronger personality, that I could take some punches, and that it would put my wife at ease. I laughed it off for a while, but eventually just decided she was being unfair. Another was a little too soft, another didn't have any answers at all. Now we're on the 4th and he seems to be pretty solid.
Author unsureLP Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 That's another thought. Maybe something to bring up with him if things don't start changing soon.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I'm trying to get a grip on counseling and how it's supposed to help. My husband and I have been going for about three months but the fights haven't stopped. What do you consider a fight? Why? What are the chances of working things out through a counselor? With a good one, better than through lawyers and worse than without any help at all. IME, if you're open to the process, it will help you achieve clarity. IOW, you'll understand your issues clearly and without ambiguity. How long does it usually take for things to start getting easier? Meaningful results for myself took about eight months, or 20 sessions. How can you get your partner to be a bit more open in sessions? Should I even try? Does it still work if he has trouble opening up? This is the counselor's job. You can facilitate by being interested and directing tasking. 'Honey, I'd like to hear more about how you feel about this xxxx subject. I'd like to work on that today' How do you maintain a shred of normalcy after emotionally draining sessions? Our psychologist tried to bring each session to resolution and end on a positive note; more times than not, we left satisfied with the session and not angry or hurt. What do you do if going to counseling itself sparks fights? Again, what do you define as a fight? IMO, a discussion where perspectives are heard, accepted, even when disagreed with, is not a fight. It's called communication. Handling conflict in a healthy way is part of MC. It's not strawberries and chocolate. If, after MC, the healthy answer is divorce, then that is the answer. If it is rebuilding a new marriage based on new understanding and information, then that is the answer. Accept it, or whatever answer you find for yourself.
Author unsureLP Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Thank you for your honest reply, both here and in my original thread. What do you consider a fight? Why? Fights to me are anytime he ends up either: A) Yelling or really raising his voice at me. B) Going to a different room and kicking chairs, throwing things, etc. C) Giving me the closed off look, accompanied by the silence treatment for hours or days at a time. Our psychologist tried to bring each session to resolution and end on a positive note; more times than not, we left satisfied with the session and not angry or hurt. I think ours does too. The problem is after the session. H will keep quiet on the car ride, then usually explode by dinner time. The last time he was yelling at me or punching the pillow for nearly 7 hours. Again, what do you define as a fight? IMO, a discussion where perspectives are heard, accepted, even when disagreed with, is not a fight. It's called communication. Handling conflict in a healthy way is part of MC. I agree with your description of a discussion and communicating conflict. That's not what happens to us most of the time. Even something as simple as me telling him why insurance companies charge male drivers more could set him off (it happened last year). The past week has been a little bit better with only one fight where he gave me the silence treatment for a couple of hours. No yelling, no punching things.
mimidarlin Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Holy crap I hate the silent treatment. I remember a counselor we had a couple years ago tried to peg me as someone who would give the silent treatment. I am more the type to let it all out. During therapy I was trying to edit myself and had a difficult time. It was better to not say anything than what was on my mind at the time. I wasn't being reasonable at all, even I knew that. I was lost in an awful depression fog. Your spouse is really angry about something. I'm not sure that is all about your relationship. He may just be angry about not being happy or there might be something in his past.
carhill Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I agree, regarding anger. Behind anger is hurt. Men are reluctant to talk about hurt, as hurt makes them appear weak and impotent. What is the most significant fear and/or hurt your H has shared within MC? TBH, your response sound a lot like our earlier sessions. I had a lot of anger, resentment and hurt built up over the years, as did my stbx about my EA. We needed to get all that out and heard and accepted to move forward. Also, your H's response to such introspection will necessarily be unique to himself. I value introspection and always have so, even though angry and/or hurt, I could see the value in what the MC was doing and made mention of that numerous times. If anger is a pervasive issue and interferring with MC, H IMO should receive IC for his anger issues. Regardless of the success or failure of your M, anger is something he'll be processing the rest of his life. If he is negative about the process, IMO it will not work for him, but can work for you to understand and deal with what comes more clearly. I'd suggest continuing for yourself if the process is beneficial for you. There have been times during the D when I thought of returning solo, but the feelings were transitory and the tools learned helped me get through the challenges without paid sessions. Hope you find a path which works for you
Author unsureLP Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Mimi - yeah, the silent treatment kills me. It makes my stomach go into a knot so awful I can't even eat or drink. The more all of it happens, the more I feel like I have to distance myself from the M in order to cope. If I care too much, it hurts too much, and there's only so much I can do by myself like I was before. I'm so relieved he agreed to go and continue MC. I agree, regarding anger. Behind anger is hurt. Men are reluctant to talk about hurt, as hurt makes them appear weak and impotent. What is the most significant fear and/or hurt your H has shared within MC? I know he's angry. He's always been angry, but before I thought I could help him get better. And before we didn't have a little girl witnessing the fights (I don't want her growing up around so much fighting). From what I've pieced together, the main thing behind his anger is insecurity and low self-esteem. He gets the most angry when he thinks he's failing at something or when he thinks he's getting rejected. So, not getting funded for the PhD when I did sent him into a long period of pronounced anger, especially since every day he gets confronted with that (him going to work and me going to school). Also, not getting a job consistent with his level of ability or education has done a number on him too. I wish I could do something about that; he really deserves so much better. His English ability too gets him depressed and angry constantly. The most significant thing he shared with the MC so far has been how he cannot communicate with people and how he hates himself for that. Even when he lived back in his home country, he had a hard time socializing with others outside of sports or anything active. If anger is a pervasive issue and interferring with MC, H IMO should receive IC for his anger issues. Regardless of the success or failure of your M, anger is something he'll be processing the rest of his life. I'm still giving it time with MC. He tried IC twice already and gave up both times because he's so uncomfortable communicating with the counselors. He agreed to go to MC because I insisted we had to do *something* and he felt that maybe with me there he might be able to talk more. Hope you find a path which works for you Thank you, me too. I prefer a path where we can be together, but I am prepared for the alternative.
changeisgood Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I understand! There are other marriage emersion weekends that can be very productive. Marriage builders is one but there are many others. Is he open to the idea of going to a marriage emersion weekend? How much reading about relationships do you two do together? You really need a plan at this point. Marriage builders can help. If Your H is not open to anything religious why not create your own emersion weekend- just the two of you anywhere--even your own home. NO phones, computers, TV.. just your conversations possibly some reading, and yes I would also recommend the Five Languages series- GREAT BOOKS. Ask forbidden questions, answer completely and honestly?
Author unsureLP Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 You know what? I am pretty sure he would totally go for that! That's a really good idea changeisgood. No strangers involved = easier for him to talk and feel comfortable. The hardest part of all of it is finding a weekend long babysitter. My family lives 16+ hrs away and his family is literally on the opposite side of the globe... So they can't help us take care of our daughter for a weekend. We have to find a different solution. Anyone has any suggestions? I am feeling a bit more hopeful about MC right now. He told me today that I can say whatever I feel is necessary (he was trying to control what I said in sessions) and he's going to try and write his issues down and give it to the counselor. We'll see what happens next week. Tomorrow we also have a date.
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