Author confusedinkansas Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Posted right after my very sensitively shared perspective. That's the insult. Own it Two words. EGO FEED. I TOTALLY GET THIS.......Not as an insult to Carhill - But in my situation, It makes sense. He thinks that if the door is open just a crack, he can inch back in AND get his EGO FED!! He (My Former AP) is the type of personality that needs his ego stroked constantly. Heck we tried to be friends after the affair - during my separation from my husband. He already had another married woman on the hook, but since she couldn't be with him all the time, (hence, 'still married') he'd call me when he was lonely to hang out with. I know this sounds disrespectful, but who cares if you don't have a clue? Gee I wouldn't have posted the question if I didn't care Why. I'm not heartless. We spent some great & not so great times together. He still & always will have a little corner of my heart - no matter what. I was just wondering if anyone else had been thru this & looking for their opinions...........& Thanks to all of you that have posted. It's been rather educational.
2sure Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 As to why I might wonder why he would call out of the blue... For me, once good-bye is said , thats it. Really. So, I dont say it too quickly. I would think that when an affair has been over for years, years after that final good-bye...I would not ever call someone. Even if I was still in love. It wasnt until reading everything today that I realized he was probably just fishing.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Here's some more 'out there' perspective: If the dynamic of fishing was predominant in his past psychology, it would seem reasonable for that to continue, as such a personality trait is elemental. Recently, I came to contact some old friends whom I hadn't seen in a long time, over a decade, and traveled to visit them. I knew nothing of their lives in the interim. I was happy that they remembered me and wanted to visit with me. Nothing significant in the past occurred; we merely ended contact. What was the impetus for my contact? Interesting, especially the methodologies with which we ascribe certain emotions and emotional aspects to differing circumstances. Prior, as a OM in an EA, it 'ended' during the period while I was still a virgin, so the 'MW' technically was just a friend, as we didn't engage in sex or even flirt sexually, but friendly emotions weren't ascribed so she was more than a friend, or so it seems. To me, the labeling is fascinating. BTW, a married woman who I've known for many years shared some very intimate things with me a couple weekends ago. We haven't had sex; we haven't flirted. I know her husband (and like him) and have for many years. I now know some of their personal marital business. Are we having an affair? What emotions do I need to ascribe to this interaction (the most recent of a few, escalating), to call it that? I recommended she and her H go to MC. More than once. I adopted neutral body language and created as much space as possible between us as I could. I kept the conversation focused on her H and she. I practiced boundaries. I'm not going to be rude and push away a friend in need. Where is the boundary? Interesting, isn't it? Am I feeding my ego by being her 'therapist'? Is she feeding her ego by using a captive friend (I see her as a daughter because she is a daughter of a male friend) to validate her attractiveness and dump her problems on? How does life work, really? Lots of grey, IMO.
Author confusedinkansas Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 How right you are Carhill. There are many gray areas in life. Are you having an emotional affair with this woman? - I personally don't think so. You're just being her friend. Although many would argue that if you are in knowledge of intimate details of their marriage -it is bordering on emotional affair. (BTW: Carhill, are you currently married or in a relationship?) In my situation - Because I do value my marriage & my husband very much I just find it interesting that this particular person would want to know How I Am - After this much time. There are many people that I have reconnected with on Facebook for example. People that were my friends in high school that I had lost contact with. If I should happen to begin chatting up an old high school boyfriend - does that mean it's an emotional affair. To me NO. Because I believe it takes 2 to make any kind of an AFFAIR OR RELATIONSHIP. And I for one am not looking for anything like that...... With the X MM - or anyone else. So I suppose that if I did answer the email he sent with "I'm doing well, thanks for asking" - Now, the door is open (or the scab is torn off) - Because of our past relationship I don't want him to feel like he can waltz back into my life & pick up where things left off. So if I do answer, & he does start up a conversation via email - then I will have to draw the line. IF I answer. I guess if I contemplate it long enough - Answering the email will seem silly, because so much time had passed
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Although many would argue that if you are in knowledge of intimate details of their marriage -it is bordering on emotional affair. (BTW: Carhill, are you currently married or in a relationship?)I would argue that as well, hence my care in dealing with this. My divorce will be final, barring court snafu's, in about two months. I related this anecdote because, in reality, the only difference between my alleged therapist behavior recently and my OM behavior in the past was emotions; my emotions. The other circumstances, absent age, were largely similar. To me, that is a key gray area which defines the inappropriateness. Even if I behave similarly (as a supportive friend), how I *feel* about the dynamic drives whether it is appropriate or not. TBH, outside of LS, in my life experience, I don't see women making this clear delineation. They seem oblivious to how what they do affects others. I'll try something the next time I'm in a similar situation.... 'I empathize and really care, but I'm vulnerable right now, going through a divorce, and I want to behave appropriately. Can we talk about something else?' I mean, when this much younger, very attractive and very married lady starts inching her way across the sofa, I get a bit confused and get this vivid picture in my mind of the men her father used to toss out onto the front lawn semi-comatose BTW, from time to time, the MW/OW from my story pops up with including my address in her mass e-mailings of 'friendly' or 'family' stuff. Most recently was about a month ago. I know there's still a connection, but she's got her boyfriend and our dynamic is unhealthy and one of us has to learn from life and I guess it is me in this case at this point in time. IMO, it's less of an 'ego feed' and more a function of periodically feeling 'alone' in circumstances and 'reaching out', but could be wrong. Perhaps that's just projecting my own perspective from our past.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I'm sure we all feel this way from time to time. I know I do. then why are you married? tell ya what, tell your husband you wish sometimes you'd break NC with your AP....see how thrilled he would be about it.
Author confusedinkansas Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 (edited) Oh Dex you funny funny man. You always have to get your two cents worth of a dig in don'tcha? Just because from time to time I think about someone from my past - doesn't mean I'm gonna jump out there & break NC. Haven't yet - Don't plan on doing it anytime either. - "Thinking-About" is in no way the same as "Acting-On" And what makes you so positive see how thrilled he would be about it. that he would be _________ any emotion (fill in the blank) then why are you married? Why are a lot of people still married that are in the same situation I'm in? Because they love their spouse & their spouse love them. Because there is a history that's not worth tossing away because of a little indiscretion. Because there are .................& the list goes on. Edited March 11, 2010 by confusedinkansas
OWoman Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 so...was this post started to ask "Why do you call your OW/OM out of the blue" or was it started so we could hear about how WS broke NC? and if they didn't how we would like for them to..? This made me think. I've never had a DDay. I simply ended As when I got bored, or the MM got too attached, or something changed that threatened the carefully-negotiated terms of agreement. I simply said goodbye and no longer contacted them. There was none of the NC stuff you read about here - brief letters stating that it was Officially Over and that No Further Contact was to be received, with dire consequences for failure to observe that condition. It was simply goodbye, like any other R. Does that constitute a breach of NC on the part of the WS? Or simply a WS who "forgot" that you'd said goodbye? Or an x making contact with a fGF for whatever reason? Does it actually matter?
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