confusedinkansas Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Here's a question for those that have been involved in an affair & have for whatever reason split with your affair partner. Why - after many months/a year go by - do you contact the person you were involved in an affair with? Why out of the clear blue sky do you decide you need to have contact with them? Do you all of the sudden start thinking about that person again & need to talk to them? Has something dramatic happened in your life that you feel they need to know about? WHY? What's your reasoning for dropping yourself back in their life, when the affair is most obviously O V E R? Any answers would be better than nothing.
OWoman Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Here's a question for those that have been involved in an affair & have for whatever reason split with your affair partner. Why - after many months/a year go by - do you contact the person you were involved in an affair with? Why out of the clear blue sky do you decide you need to have contact with them? Do you all of the sudden start thinking about that person again & need to talk to them? Has something dramatic happened in your life that you feel they need to know about? WHY? What's your reasoning for dropping yourself back in their life, when the affair is most obviously O V E R? Any answers would be better than nothing. I've recently been on the receiving end of this, too. An MM I dumped decades ago has suddenly - via a third party - made contact. I've no idea why!
StoptheDrama Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 OWoman, I'm beginning to think we should start a club....looking forward to the responses...
2sure Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Ah. Must be the spring in the air. Hope springs eternal. One of my MM from 5 years ago just shot me an email. I liked him a lot. I chose to ignore it , as I have the one or two he has sent since I got married. I think of him sometimes, but wonder why on earth he contacts me.
ladydesigner Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I wish mine would contact me... wait no I don't!!! I have been wanting to break NC recently because I miss our friendship, but then I get to thinking that as soon as he ignores an email I feel hurt and that is no friendship. I have to stay NC. NC NC NC!!!!!!
Author confusedinkansas Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 I have been wanting to break NC recently because I miss our friendship, but then I get to thinking that as soon as he ignores an email I feel hurt and that is no friendship. I have to stay NC. I'm sure we all feel this way from time to time. I know I do. When you've had someone as such a huge part of your life for such a long time - It's difficult to let them go completely & totally. No matter what the circumstances. BUT - I guess I'd prefer to think that he NEVER thinks about me.....And that I'm the only one that thinks of HIM from time to time (& yes I scold myself for doing so) He & I never really had closure. I was the one that sent an email that was never answered after the last time that we had dinner together. Pouring my heart out. He basically ignored it. That was enough for me to begin total NC. There was never a "sit down & talk, never speak to me again" conversation. Where are the folks that are the ones that do break the NC? Where are you? I'd like to hear your reasoning. Why did you contact after NC was established?
Author confusedinkansas Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 .............Continued........... Here's the thing! I just now was able to view the email content - without actually opening it. (Yeah Me for figuring that one out!! )...All the email says is HOW U DOIN'? WTH is he thinking after all this time? WHY put himself back in front of me like that? Oh well, at least this time it's not making me nearly as mad. Only makes me sad for him. & Obviously wondering ..........WHY? Those that break NC..........HELP A GAL OUT HERE - Why do you do it? The curiosity is killin' me.
Samantha0905 Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I wish mine would contact me... wait no I don't!!! I have been wanting to break NC recently because I miss our friendship, but then I get to thinking that as soon as he ignores an email I feel hurt and that is no friendship. I have to stay NC. NC NC NC!!!!!! *hug* I'm sorry. I know that feeling well! .............Continued........... Here's the thing! I just now was able to view the email content - without actually opening it. (Yeah Me for figuring that one out!! )...All the email says is HOW U DOIN'? WTH is he thinking after all this time? WHY put himself back in front of me like that? Oh well, at least this time it's not making me nearly as mad. Only makes me sad for him. & Obviously wondering ..........WHY? Those that break NC..........HELP A GAL OUT HERE - Why do you do it? The curiosity is killin' me. That was some long email he sent you. Men!! It's been a year? I've always had a problem with someone just not responding to someone. I don't mean you and that blurb he sent you. Please feel free to not respond to it. I just don't think I like the NC cold turkey thing. Especially if you've sent him a heartfelt email, he could at LEAST give some sort of response after the two of you had an intimate relationship. I know I'm not answering your question. I'll tiptoe out of here now....
JustJoe Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Kansas, I would love it if my MW would only contact me every 5 years. Since D-Day she has called, texted or e-mailed me every day asking and sometimes begging me to take her back. I started out answering her, telling her no, but each time it broke my heart a little more. Now I don't even answer, or see her ar work, or go to places we went to, when we were together, and as soon as I can, I will transfer to another post.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 so...was this post started to ask "Why do you call your OW/OM out of the blue" or was it started so we could hear about how WS broke NC? and if they didn't how we would like for them to..?
blinded Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I think Confused is trying to understand why break NC at all after a long time. Am I correct? Your breakup sounds like mine. No real closure just silence after pouring out your heart. Thinking on that assumption: I'd like to think that because of the inability to communicate their feelings, the person doing the disappearing act feels some sort of guilt. Knowing that the actions were just plain rude and wrong. His light hearted one liner tells me that he's trying to test the waters to see how you'd react. Maybe something is not going right in his life and he needs some attention. Who knows why. If you really want to know, then respond to him and find out. If you don't want to get back in the cycle of madness, then ignore it and take it as his way of apologizing to you for the way he ended things. Be strong (hugs).
Author confusedinkansas Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 (edited) Yes Blinded - My purpose for the question was to maybe get an answer as to why people do break NC after long periods of time. What's the purpose & what do you hope to gain by it. I would love it if my MW would only contact me every 5 years. Since D-Day she has called, texted or e-mailed me every day asking and sometimes begging me to take her back This is not good. It would drive me crazy. How do you keep from getting caught up in the affair again? Sorry you have to endure this. so...was this post started to ask "Why do you call your OW/OM out of the blue" or was it started so we could hear about how WS broke NC? and if they didn't how we would like for them to..? No - I did not want him to contact me. He only knows of one way to contact me - I know of multiple ways IF I WANTED TO - to contact him. I am tempted to answer the email - but right now the things I would say are probably inappropriate......... Like - WHY do you care how I am?......Am I heartbroken about this - Yep - Do I want you back? Not so much! - Do you think that your girlfriend would be OK with you contacting me? Did you take a piece of my heart over those 3+ years - YES! Will it ever mend? NO. - This is kind of how I feel about the whole situation. AND - How Dare He! So, anyone, - Would you answer the email? Even with an "I'm Fine - thanks!" (short & to the point) Edited March 10, 2010 by confusedinkansas
JustJoe Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 No, don't answer. How can you heal if you keep tearing the scab off?
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 From my singular example of this behavior: Why - after many months/a year go by - do you contact the person you were involved in an affair with? Suddenly, one day, after many years and no clue what had happened in the interim, she suddenly popped back into my mind at the conscious level. Why out of the clear blue sky do you decide you need to have contact with them? Honestly, I missed the connection we had, something I never had with anyone prior or subsequent, and felt it strongly on that day. Do you all of the sudden start thinking about that person again & need to talk to them? Has something dramatic happened in your life that you feel they need to know about? WHY? Yes, it was all of a sudden. Wife (now stbx) had abandoned me emotionally and distanced herself from me while I was caring for my ill mother and mom's mental illness drove me to the brink of 'checking out'. I grasped for one remaining remembered straw of faith and hope, something I don't normally do, since my personality is one of a helper, not a taker. So, as I relate in one of my journals, not to be intrusive, I sent her an unsigned birthday card to the address I found on the internet and wrote my web site URL in small print on the back. She received it as she was in the midst of packing to move from that address to live with her BF but still looked me up, called me and we continued for a couple years (EA) after that. I hope I was a positive influence in her life. I know I learned a lot from her over the 25 years we've known each other. IMO, some men (people) contact because it's something to do. A numbers game, just like in dating. For others, like myself, it's different. Each person's journey is unique.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 What's your reasoning for dropping yourself back in their life, when the affair is most obviously O V E R? Two words. EGO FEED. Or, to see if the door is still open a crack. To contact ANYONE, let it be an affair partner, or just a regular ex after a relationship/affair ends after xx amound of years is so pointless.
2sure Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 [QUOTE=whichwayisup;2695441]Two words. EGO FEED. Or, to see if the door is still open a crack. To contact ANYONE, let it be an affair partner, or just a regular ex after a relationship/affair ends after xx amound of years is so pointless. Yes, thats what I came up with too. I mean, we were fond of each other sure. He used the L word. But it was still just an affair. It didnt happen by accident - he was shopping for one. I'm positive he got another OW after me. After reading this thread & initially responding I remembered this: When I first started seeing him , he was still missing his previous OW. He would reminisce a little about her, mention her, etc. This is often the case. Obviously a single guy would not mention previous gf's to a new date but a MM does because he just HAS to tell someone. lol. Anyway, pretty quickly they would no longer mention previous OW, introduce the L word into our relationship, yada yada. I am quite sure that after each affair I had with MM...their next OW heard a bit about me for awhile. He is probably just in between. Still, he is one I cared for.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 During my player days, I used to check back periodically with some of my former partners, just to see how they were doing and catch up on things. It made my look human, like I as interested, but actually it was to see if you could hook up one more time.
2sure Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 During my player days, I used to check back periodically with some of my former partners, just to see how they were doing and catch up on things. It made my look human, like I as interested, but actually it was to see if you could hook up one more time. Ha. You're OK ya know?
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 During my player days, I used to check back periodically with some of my former partners, just to see how they were doing and catch up on things. It made my look human, like I as interested, but actually it was to see if you could hook up one more time. And ego feed too, right? To see if that person was still into you? I haven't a clue why some people can't let go and truly move on, especially after so many years.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I know this sounds disrespectful, but who cares if you don't have a clue? We're explaining our perspectives. I'm really not interested nor care if you validate them or not but I will push back at any perceived insults.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I know this sounds disrespectful, but who cares if you don't have a clue? We're explaining our perspectives. I'm really not interested nor care if you validate them or not but I will push back at any perceived insults. That wasn't meant to be an insult at all. Sorry you took it that way, it was a thought that popped into my head and I typed it out.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Two words. EGO FEED. Posted right after my very sensitively shared perspective. That's the insult. Own it
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted right after my very sensitively shared perspective. That's the insult. Own it I read the opening post and replied to it. I didn't read any other responses to this thread. Carhill I am sorry you're hurting and are taking what I'm saying personally. I will own it because you want me to, but honestly, again - I DID NOT READ YOUR REPLY when I said, ego feed. Just the 1st post in this thread.
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 OK, since the predominant sentiment here is that (men) contact former affair partners for an ego feed and/or to get laid, what is that saying about the people-pickers involved? I know, after seven years, in the past, when the MW contacted me, my people-picker was impaired enough to believe her bullshyte. Is that pretty common? Or is this more a feature of OM's than OW's? Does time tend to affect perception? Is this why the ego feeder/attention whores wait awhile? I only have experience with the female version. In my case, as a 'MM' in the prior post, I had contact with 'OW', her family, her boyfriend, complete transparency. She knew/knows my stbx through my introduction. In my case it was not an 'ego feed' but rather a cry for help, help which came in the form of MC, and, now in the form of divorce. I'm so happy to be rid of insensitive, uncaring women and ego feeders
blinded Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Confused- I say go for it, write the short one liner back. But be prepared for the possibility of no response (or worse more responses- lol). I guess it all depends on your expectations if you respond and how thick your skin is at the moment. Let us know what you decide. WWIU- some of who can't or don't move on may have truly felt a connection with that person unlike with any other. So I think putting a time limit on when to contact someone doesn't really matter. For some it's ego feed, for others it's reconnecting with a friend. imo Carhill- Acknowledgement/ remembering her at her birthday to me is big thing. If only my xMM were as thoughtful as you. I probably wouldn't be so messed up in the head.
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