6 yr relationship gone, struggling, ex contacted last night

[dzedandconfused]

I have never posted on any sort of forum so I will try to be brief. I met my boyfriend in highschool and we started dating towards the end. We went to the same college and were just both totally in love. He ended up telling me towards the middle of our college time that he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. I begged him to stay and he did. 6 months later he broke up with me. For the next 6 months, I did everything wrong . . . I called, emailed, cried, begged to see him and eventually we got back together. We were together for the next three and a half years. As we have been together for 6 years, we started talking about our future. Over two weeks ago he told me that he loved me, that i was wonderful, but he was not sure I was the one. I told him I thought it was a mistake but that I was not going to try and convince him otherwise since I wanted someone who did not need affirmation that I was the right person for them. The moment he left I decided that I would not contact him. I found out later that the day we broke up he planned a "spring break" trip with some guys to engage in "debauchery". Please note that he is has been out of college for some time. He ended up emailing me to tell me about his grandmother's funeral and how much she loved me. I wrote back a short response. He called last night saying I was the best girl friend he ever had and that he missed me. I let it go to voicemail and have not called back. I am doing the right thing by not contacting him correct? I have a wonderful network of incredible friends and family but I just want some objective affirmation that I am doing the right thing. I love him but am figuring that he needs space to figure himself out and I need space to heal. It is just so difficult and I barely slept last night as I wrestled with not calling him back.

[sativo]

Sounds to me like you're doing exactly the right thing. NC was invented for you!

 

It's really too bad things have come to this between you guys. It's incredibly hard -- we ALL know! Unfortunately, that's the sh*tty part of life and relationships. We can't control it... and it just f'n hurts so bad sometimes!

 

Here's what I think about sometimes to help me feel better.

 

a) Life is about change, whether we like that or not. But change isn't all bad. It hurts sometimes, 'cause we lose something in the process, but it's like growing pains. Once we change, it's usually for the better. We grow in some positive way.

 

b) We can't always control when change happens. It's just thrown at us sometimes. Which sucks, for sure! But if you think about it, if it was always up to you, you would never change. You'd avoid the pain of change.

 

While that sounds nice -- to avoid that pain -- in reality, the value of changing is worth more in the long-run than the benefit of not feeling pain.

 

In other words, sometimes life forces you to change, even when you don't want to (or especially since you don't want to).

 

c) None of this means the relationship has no hope. The change doesn't mean you two won't come back together. It just means that something drastic needs to happen to both of you. Some deep, fundamental change.

 

In the end, maybe you will get back together... or maybe you'll realize you don't want to. Either way, you'll be a totally different person then.

 

And in some sense, only when you're a totally different person will the changing process run its course. So the longer you hold on to the old you, the longer you're going to have to deal with the painful changing process.

 

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Anyway, it's easy for me to be philosophical about your situation. I'm conveniently removed from it. But I hope some of that helps. Good luck.