Getting_stronger Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Sorry if this has been said before (Im sure it has). I am struggling with NC. I keep caving! I go a few days but then reply to a text- always polite and distant- but still breaking NC. I will try again tomorrow- but I am really annoyed with myself. I am recommitting to my marriage, I feel god about life and I know in my heart that I am better off that the affair is over. But I miss him terribly, I miss his friendship, I want to move on- but then I wonder what he is doing! I know he is a workaholic and has no time in his life for me - but I find myself wonderinbg if I should have been more patient!!! What if I had not pressured him? What if... what if...Argh I am driving myself nuts!!! Any advice - please????
jennie-jennie Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Getting_stronger, I went back and read your story. I don't know, but it looks to me like you two might not be done with each other, like you two are struggling with the ups and downs of the extramarital relationship rollercoaster. If one decides to stay on it, it gets calmer as time passes. My MM ended our relationship plenty of times, especially the first year, until he came to terms with being in it and we reached some kind of stability. It was the guilt tearing at him, but finally he submitted to his strong emotions for me and found acceptance of where he was at.
NEVERINTENDEDTHIS Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Sorry if this has been said before (Im sure it has). I am struggling with NC. I keep caving! I go a few days but then reply to a text- always polite and distant- but still breaking NC. I will try again tomorrow- but I am really annoyed with myself. I am recommitting to my marriage, I feel god about life and I know in my heart that I am better off that the affair is over. But I miss him terribly, I miss his friendship, I want to move on- but then I wonder what he is doing! I know he is a workaholic and has no time in his life for me - but I find myself wonderinbg if I should have been more patient!!! What if I had not pressured him? What if... what if...Argh I am driving myself nuts!!! Any advice - please???? Try to stay strong. This is a very hard thing to do I know from experience. Sometimes I think you have to get to a point that you are almost bitter to the other person to get through it. That is what has finally happened with me. I know also that you can't work on your marriage until that part of your life is gone and no contact what so ever. I have gone now for 10 days with NC at all and for once I feel like I'm finally in control of my life not the AP. I have realized exactly what he was all along. I have had my share of ups and downs for the past year and I have made a decision that I know is best for me and for my marriage. Good luck to you I know where your at and how hard it is.
BB07 Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I just wanted to send you a hug and say I'm sorry that you are hurting. Time is the great healer!
StoptheDrama Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Getting Stronger - it will get easier, I promise. I know that probably doesn't mean much right now but it will. You will have good days and bad days, times you want nothing more than to contact him and (maybe) times you want nothing more than to slap him - I know I did! In the end, I am a much better, stronger and wiser person for ending the A and regaining my dignity and self-respect. You will too. Nothing good comes easy (this was never more true for me than the past few months) but, in the end, it will be worth it. YOU are worth it! Hugs to you!!! Whatever you do, do it for you - take care of YOU!
ladydesigner Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Try to stay strong. This is a very hard thing to do I know from experience. Sometimes I think you have to get to a point that you are almost bitter to the other person to get through it. That is what has finally happened with me. I know also that you can't work on your marriage until that part of your life is gone and no contact what so ever. I have gone now for 10 days with NC at all and for once I feel like I'm finally in control of my life not the AP. I have realized exactly what he was all along. I have had my share of ups and downs for the past year and I have made a decision that I know is best for me and for my marriage. Good luck to you I know where your at and how hard it is. This is exactly where I am at and it has been 7 months NC for me and 1.5 years since I have actually seen him. I am more or less over the A. I don't really miss the times I had with him anymore. I am just really REALLY angry with myself for having let myself believe in my XOM and everything he had said to me, angry that he never cared that we ended. I hope things start to get easier for you Getting_stronger, it is not easy. I still struggle and I have never been like this in my entire life I have always gotten over my past break-ups. This is one of the hardest experiences in my life that I have had to encounter EVER, I would compare it to the death of a parent (maybe not as bad but close). I just want to forget about him and I can't and it really bothers me that I can't. The what if will drive you crazy it is best to not try and figure anything out about the whys and what happened. Unfortunately the part bolded above by NEVERINTENDEDTHIS is the only way I have been able to distance myself and keep NC. I am sooo bitter at my XOM, bitter beyond words. I will never forget him and I know it... he is like a plague I swear. Hang in there. Many of us feel the same way as you do. I'm sorry I do not have a better answer as I still find myself 1.5 years later still dealing with it.
alg24 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 ((Hugs)) I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. The best thing to do is grieve the end of this "relationship" and treat it like a death. I am so sorry you are feeling pain. BUT please do not respond to text, email, etc. You need to block him out of your life- especially if your trying to work on your marriage. You need to think of your future and reality. Perhaps you see this man it your future, but it is NOT reality. You need to 100% keep away from him and keep no contact. If he respects you he will NOT contact you. Allow yourself to feel the pain BUT keep yourself focused and positive. ((hugs)) I know it hurts and you must him. Fill that whole in your life with new and exciting activities. Connect with old friends and stay busy. Focus on what is important to you. Stay strong!!!
Author Getting_stronger Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 Thank you all sooooooo much. I heard from him again today- still offering the fwb thing. I was happier last week when I was NC. I feel like I am losing a bit of the control I felt last week. But I definately dont have anywhere near the level of emotions and addiction I did when we were in the affair. I have really sen another side to him now and I think it will help me move on. The man I loved (thought I loved) was an illusion- affair fog/endorphins/fantasy- I dont know. But the reality is a man who can end what we had via text and who can continue to be ignorant to my feelings by continuinng to contact me and ask me for sex. Ugh - sounds sordid. Tomorrow is a fresh day- I'll take your tips- and think of you guys all day Thank you again for your support.
alg24 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Stay strong! Remember you deserve SO much better. You do NOT deserve to feel pain. My exMM and I did A LOT of back and forth (tons of fighting, I love you I hate you etc.) We had a nasty end and went NC for a month. I had a couple slip ups- some days were better than others but I was slowly beginning to be myself again... I was happier, people noticed, I went out more... He started contacting me after a month went by and I slipped up a little. During the contact with him (nothing physical- but seeing him etc.) I realized how much pain and anguish he caused me. Yes I "love/loved" this man (did I really?) but it was NOT reality. He was sucking me back into his web-- I started feeling the pain again. People noticed. I realized was it worth it? The drama, the sadness, the pain? No. I deserved better. Yes it hurts. ((hugs)) but keep no contact. You will remember him, of course you will. BUT remember you deserve SO much better. Embrace the pain, allow yourself to feel the pain but do not let it take over you. If this man truly cared. If he respected you he would NOT contact you. He would see that this is a situation that you do not deserve and leave you alone. He would respect the fact that you are working on your marriage/life. He would want YOU to be happy and move on. He is being selfish when he contacts you. Mourn this as a death. Cut him 100% out of your life. It will be hard... Some days better than others. You felt the power of NC-- continue it. ((hugs)) You can do it!!!! Smile =)
alg24 Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Also, make a list-- it truly helps-- of the negative things about him... Remember the times he left you feeling hurt, sad, in a great deal of pain... I am not telling you to hate him, but do not just focus on "good" things. Tell yourself it does not matter who has the last word in this and YOU are ending it/done with it. Keep reminding yourself it was an addiction. Be happy and enjoy life. You deserve happiness. You do not deserve to feel pain. This situation with him will only cause you pain and sadness. Keep smiling!
ladydesigner Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 FWB! How insulting. I guess if I were to break NC, it'd be to tell him to have FWB with the person he loves the most-himself (ie, go f*ck yourself)! So so true.LOL :lmao: Why do they do this my XOM said to me upon ending "But I still want to f**k you. " Sorry but no thank you.
Hazyhead Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 FWB! How insulting. I guess if I were to break NC, it'd be to tell him to have FWB with the person he loves the most-himself (ie, go f*ck yourself)! Brilliant Keep going GS. You can do it! I know it's hard but as everyday passes a little bit more of your sense of self comes back and being happy completely in yourself independent from him is in your grasp.
Author Getting_stronger Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Its really messing with my head I have to say. But I was NC today and I will keep working through it. I have a list- and its over a page long of single sentence dot points. Not hard to rack up huh- missed calls, cancelled lunches, nasty responses.... the affair looks different in hindsight. . The contact from xAP has really played with my head and my life with my husband looks less appealing than it did yesterday just because of a rush or endorphin caused by someone who's concern for me is questionable- amazing what your head can talk itself into/out of. This site has been a Godsend and I thank God i found people like you to help steer me out of the rough water I seemed to have sailed into
Crazyforhim Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Even though my MM and I want and plan to be together we have pretty much self-imposed NC going on right now until he is out because the emotions of the affair were way too strong and unhealthy. It hurts and you can sucked back into the A so easily. Keep strong and focused. Distract yourself with other things when you start thinking of him. Keep your head out of the past and what you shared with him. Don't waste time thinking about your future and what you could have had with the man you once believed he was. Live in the present and enjoy who you are and what you like to do. Times does help your get over the daily pain.
bestplayer Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Even though my MM and I want and plan to be together we have pretty much self-imposed NC going on right now until he is out because the emotions of the affair were way too strong and unhealthy. It hurts and you can sucked back into the A so easily. Keep strong and focused. Distract yourself with other things when you start thinking of him. Keep your head out of the past and what you shared with him. Don't waste time thinking about your future and what you could have had with the man you once believed he was. Live in the present and enjoy who you are and what you like to do. Times does help your get over the daily pain. Crazyforhim , r u having NC ? I thought u told me u r already divorcing ur husband for ur MM , so what is the point of maintaining NC now ?
bestplayer Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Sorry if this has been said before (Im sure it has). I am struggling with NC. I keep caving! I go a few days but then reply to a text- always polite and distant- but still breaking NC. I will try again tomorrow- but I am really annoyed with myself. I am recommitting to my marriage, I feel god about life and I know in my heart that I am better off that the affair is over. But I miss him terribly, I miss his friendship, I want to move on- but then I wonder what he is doing! I know he is a workaholic and has no time in his life for me - but I find myself wonderinbg if I should have been more patient!!! What if I had not pressured him? What if... what if...Argh I am driving myself nuts!!! Any advice - please???? Getting_stronger , moving on is too dificult unless u want to as someone suggested above it looks u r not done with him & still wondering what if .. what if ..... . ? so r u seriously trying to recommit to ur marriage while still hoping something else ?
Author Getting_stronger Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 Im definately not hoping for anything else. I really have had a God given opportunity to wake up and see him/the affair for what it really was. I was in fantasy land and I am clear now that he is not who he said he was and I am far better off with my husband. I just need to remember how it was the fantasy not the reality that I was 'in love' with, and move on to a healthy future with my husband. I used to fantasise about being with my AP all the time, being his partner, living a great life with him. But it was all a fantasy. I know that now. And I dont wish for it.
OpenBook Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 I just need to remember how it was the fantasy not the reality that I was 'in love' with, and move on to a healthy future with my husband. Yup, I've been there more times than I care to admit! This is a VERY tough thing to understand and master, but for me it was an essential step in my own road to recovery. It's not really HIM I was missing. It's the way he made me feel about myself - more alive and vibrant than I'd ever been before. But what we had together was a House of Cards. A smokescreen. Very deceptive and alluring, but no substance to it. At least, that was my experience of it. This site has been a Godsend and I thank God i found people like you to help steer me out of the rough water I seemed to have sailed into You got that right!! LS was a safe way for me to open my eyes and examine all angles of the situation, based on other people's real-life experiences. A great way to get a birds-eye view of it without harming myself in the process. It actually prevented me from getting into another bad situation as well. I'm very grateful for LS.
ladydesigner Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Yup, I've been there more times than I care to admit! This is a VERY tough thing to understand and master, but for me it was an essential step in my own road to recovery. It's not really HIM I was missing. It's the way he made me feel about myself - more alive and vibrant than I'd ever been before. But what we had together was a House of Cards. A smokescreen. Very deceptive and alluring, but no substance to it. At least, that was my experience of it. Yes I believe this too be true in my situation as well. My XAP made me feel more alive than I have ever been and also more dead inside than I have ever been. I knew it had to end I just wish it could have ended on a better note than it did. LS has been the best therapist I could ever have.
bestplayer Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Im definately not hoping for anything else. I really have had a God given opportunity to wake up and see him/the affair for what it really was. I was in fantasy land and I am clear now that he is not who he said he was and I am far better off with my husband. I just need to remember how it was the fantasy not the reality that I was 'in love' with, and move on to a healthy future with my husband. I used to fantasise about being with my AP all the time, being his partner, living a great life with him. But it was all a fantasy. I know that now. And I dont wish for it. great that u realise it . best of luck
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