Reconnecting with Ex-Girlfriend

[rmn]

My ex and I dated for 3+ years and broke up over a year ago as I did not want to marry her at that point in time. Immediately upon breaking up she got involved with another guy and that relationship lasted for 3 months. After breaking up, she started emailing me often. When I told her that after being apart, I'd decided I did want her permantly in in my life and would marry her if we could have a healthy relationshp, she said that she had completely left the relationship and would need time. She was also quick to tell me how great the sex was with him, which I understand was in part, payback for me.

 

Fast forward a year. In December, after 9 months of sporadic contact and cancelled dates, she still couldn't commit to me. So...I broke it off again. Two weeks ago she came back after me ignoring many emails. She literally walked into a restaurant, saw me and started up a conversation. She still won't have sex with me and maintains that after all the hurt, she needs to move slow and gain trust that I have changed.

 

The problem is that she wants to maintain a relationship with the guy she had a relationship with. I've told ther that this represents a painful part of our past and that out of respect for me, I'd prefer she cease contact with him, delete his photos from Facebook, etc. To make matters more complicated, there are numous photos of them together on the net.

 

She says that she now knows she wants me back in her life, but doesn't want to give up their friendship. I view this as a lack of respect for me and our relationship. She says that I'm trying to control her.

 

Bottom line, she says that what I want will happen naturally, but bluntly, I don't know if I want to allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable and later she decide that she wants to still maintain contact (email, Facebook, parties, etc.) with him. She also says she's not sure she'd be comfortable with me going to parties that he is at.

 

Am I being controlling? She assures me that they have nothing now but friendship as she was always in love with me. I maintain that since she told me how great the sex was and that she thought he loved her, I'm not comfortable with them having a relationship. This continues to be a thorn in our moving forward.

 

I too had a brief relationship, but no longer communicate with that person in any way.

 

Any thoughts? Sometimes I think baggage is just too difficult to overcome.

Edited March 9, 2010 by rmn

[sativo]

I don't think so. First of all, guys and girls can't be friends. I know that statement could invite a big argument, but bottom line, it's unusual.

 

If he's such a good friend that she can't end her friendship with him, plus, if they've had sex before, why doesn't she continue that relationship? I mean, isn't that what an ideal relationship is? Great friends + sex.

 

But since she's not with him, and is coming back to you, then why is he so important to her? In what way? I mean, what is it about their friendship that so important? What is it she can't live without? How often does she plan on spending time with him, etc.?

 

Maybe she doesn't want to drop him out of principle. You know, now that you've told her to, she's gonna stick to her guns. Well, that's really immature.

 

In general, all of this sounds insensitive of her. There's nothing some guy outside of the intimate relationship you two have should be able to offer her. Especially since she met him after you. I mean, maybe... and this is a big maybe... if he was a friend she knew from grade school and they grew up together... that might be different.

[yume]

I don't think so. First of all, guys and girls can't be friends. I know that statement could invite a big argument, but bottom line, it's unusual.

 

Could not agree with you more.

 

rmn, it seems like all this baggage is...just too much. She isn't over this guy. Speaking from experience, I wanted to maintain a relationship with my ex when I broke up with him almost 6 months ago - and the feelings never went away. That culminated into a giant disaster that I am still dealing with.

 

Personally, I would not try to pursue her. She wants to have the both of you for very different reasons. It does not work that way. You deserve better.

[Booter]

I mean, maybe... and this is a big maybe... if he was a friend she knew from grade school and they grew up together... that might be different.

 

Apply the above and you and I are in the same kind of situation. Broke up with my ex of 3+yrs about 8 months ago...since then its been some contact. Nothing more than how are you...But over the past 8 months she has been with 2 different guys, the first guy was maybe for a month, the second guy has been well around 6 months now. She is still hanging out with him and claims that they are only friends, now I know that they have had sex, or do have sex, and she has told me that this is the only connection she has with him, and doesn't see it going anywhere with him....although she told me she was able to talk to him about things that she wasn't able to talk to me about.

 

Anyway she still claims that Im the one she wants to be with and that she just cant do it now, because of trust issues... and to be honest it seems to me like its a big lie, shes basically living two lifes, with the attitude of "what he dont know wont hurt him"....but I know exactly what shes doing, and Im doing what I can to stear clear from her....it will take a lot on her side for us to truly work the way we both wish it would......

 

sorry for the blab. Bottom line is I feel ya completely and if I was you, unless there are obvious signs of her not being truly commited to wanting things to work for you two....dont rush things, and do what you can to treat it as a new relationship, and do what you can to treat her that way. Also do not get your hopes up....I would say boot her completely, but give her a chance if you love her......

[BigTenInchRecord]

I agree with the whole guys/girls friendship doesn't really work. It only works if there is ZERO attraction...but between exes there was obviously attraction at one point. I think that a lot of guys will only really pursue a friendship if they're attracted to the chick though, and while I do think girls will befriend guys they have no interest in, it's usually not mutual. I mean two people who find each other unattractive probably won't bond that well. I think if years have passed and both of you are in happy relationships then it's possible to maintain a light friendship where you catch up every now and then, maybe wish happy birthday, xmas, whatever. But if it becomes a real friendship where your seeing each other very often, it just wouldn't really work, and if your in a relationship it would almost never happen.

 

My ex has made a pretty strong effort this past month to rekindle a friendship and hang out a lot, but it just seems a bit weird. I really do not know what the hells going on, but I doubt this will last. Should be interesting to see.

Edited March 9, 2010 by BigTenInchRecord

[just1guy]

My ex-gf kept in contact with alot of her ex's and had a lot of guy friends. Eventhough she'd tell me that there's nothing between her and them, she could not control how those guys would develop feelings for her. Then she'd act surprised when they get the courage to tell her, so I say to that what your girl is doing is wrong.

 

 

If you two are going to start again, start fresh and leave that crap behind. If she's really 100% into you two reconcilling, then she'd understand and drop her ex. It sounds like she's telling you she wants to reconcile, but deep down she's not 100% sure and still has an emotional connection with that guy.

[rmn]

Thanks for input. As a follow up, I had not looked at her FB photos in their entirety before and when I did, there were the two of them in couples poses. Personally, I thought it was a bit weird to have such photos up for all to see purportedly a year after breaking up...my inital thought was that they were either still a couple and I'm being lied to or she wants to portray that she has a boyfriend for all to see. She would say they are special moments and she enjoys sharing those photos with friends. I'm not sure what the real motivation is.

 

I said that I was ok with group photos but if the two of us were to move forward, we needed a fresh start and out of respect for me, I'd appreciate that she remove those two photos. I know there are differences of opinions on the FB photos of ex's issue, but I don't see how it differs much from having photos of ex's lying around your living room...about the same amount of effort is required to see them. I don't mind her keeping them but I do mind her portraying them to all her friends while we date. And...if she really cared about me, seems she would understand and feel fortunate that I cared enough to feel that way.

 

As respects the ongoing relationship with him issue, her comment to me was that she and he had many mutual friends whom she did not want to give up...especially given we were not yet a couple. My response was that she didn't have to. All I asked was that she give up "one on one" meetings and correspondence with him. Group meetings were fine as long as I was not excluded (and with my schedule, I wouldn't be able to go to all of them anyway).

 

I also told her that "going slow", which she wants to do and "stringing along" are different. My expectation was 1-2 face to face visits each week...not a bunch of texts, as has been the case in the past. She has stated that she wants no pressure to get back together, no boundaries, etc. But, after begging me to see her again, she then retracts and lessens the contact. It is like she has a tug of war inside her...don't let him go...but don't get too close.

 

She refused the above requests. She also told me I was a "stalker"...to which I reminded her that her FB page was public for all to see...not quite sure how looking a her FB page makes me a stalker, but this provides some insight into how sour this relationship has gotten. She felt she has lost herself in me before. I honestly believe she has moved to the other extreme...not willing to risk losing any part of herself by standing firm on everything...in other words, no compromises. Probably a natural, albeit unhealthy reaction, to "losing oneself".

 

So...I focused back on the core issue...did I want this woman in my life given all the baggage (when angry she brings up things from 4 years ago) and fact that at worst, she has some type of emotional bond with another man that she is unwilling to give up. I told her that this relationship didn't work me. I then told her to not call, email or text me. She accused me of having it "my way or the highway" and being controlling. I told her I demand a certain level of respect and time committment before investing my time and energy with her. I feel I'm doing the healthy thing...which often isn't the easiest course of action.

 

Again, thank you for the input...self reflection is good. Maybe I am a controlling bastard, but I like myself.

Edited March 11, 2010 by rmn

[vivrantflo]

Good for you man. You handled that situation very well. As much as it hurts, stick to your guns man. I don't feel you've been controlling in this situation at all. She feels you're controlling because you don't want her to do certain things that she wants to do... and that's spend time with this other dude one on one.

 

I know it hurts to admit that she has established a connection with another guy, but at least you're not lying to yourself. Give yourself time, try to detach as quick as possible.. cause both you and myself know, you're going to hear from her again...

[paleblue]

rmn i think you are spot on. the girl sounds unwilling to compromise even a little. how are you supposed to work with that? and its not like you are asking anything unreasonable. i have an ex right now wanting to be friends with me, wants to hang out here and there, while she is seeing her new guy. she also hangs out with her other ex bf while she is seeing this new guy. the new guy lives an hour and a half way. i wonder if she tells him? doubt it. i think that is why she likes seeing him because he wont know whats going on being that far away. i find her to be sneaky and disrespecful.

 

anyway, seriously, good for you for keeping your dignity and not folding on what you feel is important in a relationship. there are just some things that should not be compromised.

 

ya, not trying to rain on your parade but i agree with vivrantflo also, its prob not going anywhere. detach. she isnt willing to tell some guy she was boffing to hit the road?? that is not asking for much. instead she just whines about being friends with everyone. well you cant make everyone happy, so make a choice.

[spriggig]

I don't think so. First of all, guys and girls can't be friends.

 

They can be at work.

 

Outside of work, buddy-buddy friends--only if it's gone on since childhood and they get past the "more than friends" part when it crops up in adolescence.

[bluestraps]

My thought is that if you are to have a serious relationship all other former lovers should be out of the picture . Of course unless there is children involved as in a marriage. It is only the right thing to do .

[Weird]

Dude, I don't think you are being controlling or unreasonable. If she wants to be with you then she can drop the "friendship" with the other guy if it something you want. It isn't like you are asking her to not be friends with just some guy she has known on a platonic level...it is a former sex partner of hers for goodness sake.

 

Like some of the replies, guys and girls for the most part can't be friends specifically if they have slept together. Those that do stay friends are the minority and I just find it odd.

 

Apparently though the "friends" thing is really a big deal for many women and honestly, I only think they want that stuff is because they are selfish and like having guys there as fallbacks and they like the ego boost and think it makes them look real nice and classy if they can keep people in their lives that they broke up with. I also agree that many women who do this with exes and are in relationships at the time don't tell their current guy about the details.

 

my ex of 7 years ago (our relationship ended over who knows what...it was a weird situation surrounded by immaturity dealing with the scenario we were in) continually contacts me on a yearly basis trying to do this friends crap and each time it goes nowhere and we stop talking usually because she acts all sweet early then distances herself soon after and doesn't want to actually converse and hang out like friends do and this just frustrates me. When she did her annual contact in late 08 she decided to hide from me she was seeing another guy (she knew full well I had no desire to talk to her if she was dating someone else because it isn't fair to me or to the other guy) so I told her to leave me alone for good. Sure enough this past January she contacts me (to imply she got screwed over by the guy) and we started talking for a bit the last month or so with me figuring that after she was told to leave me alone for good that this time maybe she "saw the light" and was willing to see if we could maybe work now 7 years later with us being more mature, external circumstances being different and knowing our issues from before. I finally clued in though it is all her just going on an ego trip and knowing that I'll be complimentary to her and boost her image up and her making sure she is still seen in a positive light with me and I am tired of being played like a bitch though I do blame myself for letting it go on this long...guess that is what happens when you still care for someone and hope they'll see the light and appreciate you and also figure if someone keeps contacting you for the better part of a decade (and each time things going nowhere) they probably have some feelings and will actually act on them. She also can't seem to get past I am not the same guy 7 years ago in the sense she still makes assumptions about me regarding things I may not have done then and she just totally ignores seeing any changes because if she did, she'd see I'm a better guy now than I was before both in general and also in what she seeks in a guy and hey, can't have that! Just keep me locked in the "ex jail" and refuse to see how I am now since it is the easier way to deal with things than have an open mind.

 

My advice (and I admit it may be biased because of my situation) is to just drop contact with that girl and don't be played like a bitch as I have been. She'll probably end up getting screwed over later by others and maybe then she'll "get it" and if it isn't too late and you still have interest maybe things could work out then. If not then she'll just have to keep dealing with inferior guys compared to you and wonder why she has such bad luck...maybe she will find someone even better for ehr than you and if that happens then hey, it was meant to be.

 

I truly believe that if people care about others and like them for the qualities they have then nothing should ever be blocked out in the sense just because two people broke up before doesn't mean they could never work out in the future since many break ups happen for silly reasons that could easily be worked on but many people are often too prideful and lazy to accept things aren't going to be perfect...people mature and with that usually you start to lose the ego and become more open and receptive so it is only logical if someone from your past is seen as being a great person to you (and you to them) that something could work out later if the people just accept what happened before, realize they learnt from it and are now more mature.

 

I also believe that because many take that mindset of "we broke up so he/she can never be an option down the line even though I have nothing against the person" they often settle for someone who isn't as truly good for them and that usually ends miserably for them because they realize they made a mistake and they probably still hold onto feelings for "the one" that they were with in the past.

 

Having said all that though, there is no point to be strung along and it is better to let the person figure it out on their own than be there in their life and get screwed over doing so.

[newyork82]

hmmm. everyone seems to forget that HE broke things off with her because he couldnt commit. Having been in the recieving end of that before, maybe i should shed some light on that.

 

Do you know how traumatising it is to a womans self esteem, to look her in the eye and tell her that you do not think you can marry her? the feeling of rejection that comes with that? do you know how hard she must have cried when you broke up with her for that?

 

As much as she might even want to come back, whats the assurance of trust that you wont break things off with her again?

 

I think you also need to think about that too. its not easy on her!

[newyork82]

hmmm. everyone seems to forget that HE broke things off with her because he couldnt commit. Having been in the recieving end of that before, maybe i should shed some light on that.

 

Do you know how traumatising it is to a womans self esteem, to look her in the eye and tell her that you do not think you can marry her? the feeling of rejection that comes with that? do you know how hard she must have cried when you broke up with her for that?

 

As much as she might even want to come back, whats the assurance of trust that you wont break things off with her again?

 

I think you also need to think about that too. its not easy on her!