carhill Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Some people get rich by being cheap. Your date evidently carries a card in that club. Spend more time with your friends whom were quite generous with the check and less time with him. He can drink cheaply alone.
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 So anyways.....! Rest assured our bartender was well tipped (even though he once brought me a tonic instead of soda! )...I actually was checking to see if my date left a decent tip, and was ready to drop cash on the way out if he skimped...but since he was being a douche over the tab I was concerned. Cheap is a good word to describe his behavior - like, my friends drank what they drank (and how much/how little) because they were considering what they could afford. I was thinking the same thing - what could I afford, and what was I comfortable paying? And I drank accordingly. My date is definitely more than able to pay for what he was drinking, and as he's so conscious of how much (some) things cost, I just don't get what his deal is. Trying to decide how I'm going to handle this.
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Some people get rich by being cheap. Your date evidently carries a card in that club. Spend more time with your friends whom were quite generous with the check and less time with him. He can drink cheaply alone. I'm feeling more and more ashamed over this!!
meerkat stew Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Trying to decide how I'm going to handle this. surf & turf... Surf & Turf... SURF AND TURF!
carhill Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 OP, you have no control over the habits or philosophies or actions of others. I dealt with this dynamic all the time with stbx's family. God they squeaked. Settling the check for a group meal was like negotiating an arms agreement with the Soviet Union. It's so nice to share good times with generous friends with whom I go back and forth with. We never ever ever even comment about a bill. Someone handles it and it's done. IMO, your date's way of 'handling' things is indicative of a fundamental financial style. It is and will always be that way. Accept it. Decide what weight it carries in your balance of interest in him as a potential. Good luck
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Well, here's from one "prig" who thinks getting drunk on early dates is a BAD idea for all concerned, for so many reasons I can't count. If you have to get drunk to enjoy a date, something is wrong. A man who can drink 8-9 straight liquor drinks on a date and -not- be knee-walking drunk has problems far worse than being an inconsiderate date. I know, as in the distant past, I -was- that man. At the time he wasn't really acting like a drunken mess, and I was more concerned with his attitude over the bill. The next morning he asked me if we went straight to bed the night before - the answer is, he brushed his teeth and passed out, I stayed up and watched a movie - THAT is when I realized how drunk he must've been, and I started wondering how much he had had to drink. He didn't remember coming home; as other things from the night came up, I realized that he didn't recall quite a few things. surf & turf... Surf & Turf... SURF AND TURF! MMmmmmmmmmmm OP, you have no control over the habits or philosophies or actions of others. I dealt with this dynamic all the time with stbx's family. God they squeaked. Settling the check for a group meal was like negotiating an arms agreement with the Soviet Union. It's so nice to share good times with generous friends with whom I go back and forth with. We never ever ever even comment about a bill. Someone handles it and it's done. IMO, your date's way of 'handling' things is indicative of a fundamental financial style. It is and will always be that way. Accept it. Decide what weight it carries in your balance of interest in him as a potential. Good luck Since he makes probably twice as much as me, I'm concerned that his attitude will later create a problem for us. In fact, he reminds me of my ex in a lot of ways, in regards to his attitude toward money. It's weird, because sometimes he seems very generous, money's not a big deal, etc. He always insists on paying for things, and I have to go to great lengths to pay for anything we do together. And sometimes he's weirdly cheap (especially for someone who buys anything he wants when he wants it, drinkers top-shelf liquor, buys $100 cotton t-shirts, etc)
marsle85 Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I thought the same thing... Your friends were generous- he's wrong for sure.
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 So does anyone think there's just a chance that he doesn't understand how much more he drank than everyone else, and he should be forgiven?
flc Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 One occurence does not make a pattern. You say he is generous with you and this seems to be the first issue you have had. I would let it go this time but if it continues discuss it.
marsle85 Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Yeah... I mean it's a sucky situation and hopefully not an insight into what being in a relationship with him will be like--but, i'd let it go if you've already resolved it. Anyway, how was the get together?
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Anyway, how was the get together? He's a really fun person. Gregarious. My friends really liked him as well.
phineas Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 IF i'm in a splitting situation I just round up my share & toss in another $5 for good measure & tip. In certain social classes (like my father & my uncles) all italian all businessmen or union reps. not stereotypical at all. LOL! They just toss a couple 20's in automatically without even seeing the bill & someone usually comes to their senses (my dad) & points out there are a couple bills here & only a $30 tab for coffee & sandwiches. The look on the server's face is priceless when they see all the cash. After my dad tosses money back there is still a tip bigger than the bill. LOL!
2sure Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 First off , if this was the first time he was meeting your friends and especially since the vast majority of the bill was his, and because he is in a financial position to be gracious.... A gentleman would have picked up the bill, not told you the total, and rejected any attempts to have it shared. Next time, they can pay or you can pay whatever. In my mind, pick it all up or dont....but to discuss it??? Beyond offering or accepting to take care of the tip...I dont like that. Now, I have picked up my share of tabs on dates, no issue there. But since your friends simply joined you for such a small amount/time in comparison...honestly. THEN to have him mention that basically , he felt THEY SHOULD PAY FOR HIM?? Its only one incident, no big deal. And even if he turns out to be cheapish...its not necessarily something that cant be overlooked or skirted or even changed.
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 (edited) First off , if this was the first time he was meeting your friends and especially since the vast majority of the bill was his, and because he is in a financial position to be gracious.... A gentleman would have picked up the bill, not told you the total, and rejected any attempts to have it shared. Next time, they can pay or you can pay whatever. In my mind, pick it all up or dont....but to discuss it??? Beyond offering or accepting to take care of the tip...I dont like that. Now, I have picked up my share of tabs on dates, no issue there. But since your friends simply joined you for such a small amount/time in comparison...honestly. THEN to have him mention that basically , he felt THEY SHOULD PAY FOR HIM?? Its only one incident, no big deal. And even if he turns out to be cheapish...its not necessarily something that cant be overlooked or skirted or even changed. This perfectly describes my ideal scenario. I have a sneaking suspicion that if it had just been him, myself, and the girl friend, or even two girl friends, that's what he would've done, regardless of how much anyone drank (a lot OR a little). It's pretty douche-y of ME, though, to be turned off or annoyed by an unfounded suspicion like that. Edited March 9, 2010 by OnlyJake
2sure Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 It's pretty douche-y of ME, though, to be turned off or annoyed by an unfounded suspicion like that. LOL. I getcha.
nowomanocry Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Apologies for all the details and length. I've been on several dates with this one guy. Recently, he and I met my friend and her BF for drinks at a small bar. My date is a financially stable and established individual with a very high salary; never been married, no kids, no credit card debt or student loans, etc. He is several years older than myself and my friends. I recently got my masters and don't really have any money, but I am working. My friend and her BF are both in law school full-time and not working. My date and I were at the bar (drinking) about 1-1.5 hours before she and her BF showed up. I had about 5 vodka sodas. I wasn't counting his drinks, but my date definitely drank more than me; he pointed out several times that he was lapping me. He was drinking a top-shelf liquor all night. My friend had 2 mixed drinks with generic liquor; her BF had 2 or 3 beers. The tab ended up being nearly $150, not including a tip. Now, before the tab came, I assumed that my date and I would split the bulk of the tab; maybe my friends would leave the tip or something, because I knew he and I were doing most of the drinking, he was drinking the most expensive thing, and he's the only one with any money. When the bill came, he announced the total, and I gave him my card, saying I would split it with him, which he declined; when I insisted he declined again. My friends ended up giving him $50 cash, which I actually think was too much for what they drank; I could tell that my date was annoyed about this. (Thinking about it, I realize that people in his social circle tend to just evenly split the bill amongst those paying, regardless of who ate or drank what. IME that is NOT how poor college kids do things though.) The next day my date confirmed what I had thought. He commented on how annoyed he was that my friends only pitched in 50 bucks for the tab. He did concede that they were still in school, but then he said "but still". In my mind, I don't really care that they're still in school; I don't think they should've paid anymore than they did toward the tab when they only had a couple beers, and he had 8 or 9 top-shelf drinks. I'm kind of annoyed about this (his attitude, the fact that he was annoyed but didn't take my card, the fact that he didn't ask them for more $ if it was a big deal to him), but am wondering if this isn't that big of a deal, and if I should be understanding that he's been out of school for 10+ years, has $, and is used to splitting the bills a certain way. Thoughts? without sounding funny about this thing - if you are very close to each other then you or him pays the bill and you sort it out later amongst yourselves. Like a married couple or a long-term relationship or something..... As it seems that you are not that close with him... If he's a gentleman and /or a dumbazz: He pays for everything If he's rational and stingy: he makes you & your friends pay for everything If he's a wise guy: (depending on his investment and return plans he is doing as far as his r/s with you is concerned) he either pays for your drinks and ignore your friends' bill or ask you for a split (ignoring your friends' bill). If he believes the return is great, he pays the whole bill lol ;)
DustySaltus Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 This is a classic study in why you don't start a tab. There's nothing more embarrasing then going to a bar and someone pulls out the tip calculator and then right in front of the bartender says...."Hey, you're leaving him waaaaay too much. He was OK but he wasn't great". Then you wonder why the next time you come in there you are waiting 20 minutes for a drink. When I invite people out with me who I know make substantially less than me and/or in college, i'll usually pick up the bill. But if someone else invites me out, they'll pay or i'll thrown in my share plus a few extra bucks...
SomewhatExperienced Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I don't know about anyone else here, but when I'm drunk I'm generous. If I had money to burn I likely would have covered the whole bill and tip. The next day I probably would have regretted it, but it would've just chalked it up to dumb things I do when I'm drunk.
Author OnlyJake Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 I don't know about anyone else here, but when I'm drunk I'm generous. If I had money to burn I likely would have covered the whole bill and tip. The next day I probably would have regretted it, but it would've just chalked it up to dumb things I do when I'm drunk. Since this guy has no problem picking up at $200 bar tab when he's out drinking on a Friday night, and accepts that as par for the course, I'm a little put out by his behavior. Even if he had just accepted my offer to pay half the tab I would've been OK with it.
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