OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Apologies for all the details and length. I've been on several dates with this one guy. Recently, he and I met my friend and her BF for drinks at a small bar. My date is a financially stable and established individual with a very high salary; never been married, no kids, no credit card debt or student loans, etc. He is several years older than myself and my friends. I recently got my masters and don't really have any money, but I am working. My friend and her BF are both in law school full-time and not working. My date and I were at the bar (drinking) about 1-1.5 hours before she and her BF showed up. I had about 5 vodka sodas. I wasn't counting his drinks, but my date definitely drank more than me; he pointed out several times that he was lapping me. He was drinking a top-shelf liquor all night. My friend had 2 mixed drinks with generic liquor; her BF had 2 or 3 beers. The tab ended up being nearly $150, not including a tip. Now, before the tab came, I assumed that my date and I would split the bulk of the tab; maybe my friends would leave the tip or something, because I knew he and I were doing most of the drinking, he was drinking the most expensive thing, and he's the only one with any money. When the bill came, he announced the total, and I gave him my card, saying I would split it with him, which he declined; when I insisted he declined again. My friends ended up giving him $50 cash, which I actually think was too much for what they drank; I could tell that my date was annoyed about this. (Thinking about it, I realize that people in his social circle tend to just evenly split the bill amongst those paying, regardless of who ate or drank what. IME that is NOT how poor college kids do things though.) The next day my date confirmed what I had thought. He commented on how annoyed he was that my friends only pitched in 50 bucks for the tab. He did concede that they were still in school, but then he said "but still". In my mind, I don't really care that they're still in school; I don't think they should've paid anymore than they did toward the tab when they only had a couple beers, and he had 8 or 9 top-shelf drinks. I'm kind of annoyed about this (his attitude, the fact that he was annoyed but didn't take my card, the fact that he didn't ask them for more $ if it was a big deal to him), but am wondering if this isn't that big of a deal, and if I should be understanding that he's been out of school for 10+ years, has $, and is used to splitting the bills a certain way. Thoughts?
D-Lish Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 My thoughts are that he is being totally unrealistic to expect that a party joining the celebration late, after the bill had already been racked up, should be expected to split his bill evenly. You guys drank for an hour and a half before they even got there- and they only had a few beers after joining you. Regardless of whether or not they are starving law students or well paid lawyers- they aren't accountable for anyone else's bill. I don't understand what would upset your bf about this situation. He drank the top shelf scotch- your poor law student friends shouldn't have to pay for that.
Johnny M Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 If you BF was drinking all night and the other guys only had a couple beers, then I agree that the guy is a total dick and his attitude stinks.
homersheineken Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 If he has such a problem like this why not just get separate checks? I wouldn't put more in than what I drank (plus tip). If he expects people to subsidize his drinking and extravagance, that may be a red flag...
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 OK, so I'm not the only one who thinks this is kind of douche-y. I don't understand his reasoning either, and I really don't understand why, if splitting the bill was an issue for him, he didn't accept my offer to split it with him.
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 I wouldn't put more in than what I drank (plus tip). If he expects people to subsidize his drinking and extravagance, that may be a red flag... This is what I'm wondering.
homersheineken Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 It's beyond kind of douchy. It's just cheap and a bad attitude expecting others to pay your way and then to be upset about the fact they didn't after the fact????
TouchedByViolet Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I had about 5 vodka sodas. and he had 8 or 9 top-shelf drinks. A little tipsy were we? How does your bf handle the alcohol? After 8-9drinks most people are not in the best of shape. I know a bad drunk who always finds something to complain about when he is drinking. Have you noticed a pattern in his behavior related to drinking?
meerkat stew Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Sounds bad, Jake, he acknowledges that they are in school, then goes on with the "but still." They came in afterwards, drank cheap beer, they paid their share, maybe even overpaid. First, am surprised you didn't simply recite the above facts to him in a matter of fact way. Does this guy intimidate you? If so, drop that pronto, as he can smell it, and sounds like he is the type who will capitalize on it. Second, am amazed he even said anything at all. Didn't he drink the lion's share of the tab? Ten drinks (your five x two) of call brands is at least $75 where I'm from, yours would bring it to over $100. Doesn't he realize this? Is it possible there is "I am the big man in this relationship, kiddo" subtext going on here? Is it possible he was just crabby and hungover? Don't want to know if this guy is drinking ten drinks and getting behind the wheel, but something you should consider. TEN liquor drinks on a date is -a lot- and I'm not a prude by a long shot.
D-Lish Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 OK, so I'm not the only one who thinks this is kind of douche-y. I don't understand his reasoning either, and I really don't understand why, if splitting the bill was an issue for him, he didn't accept my offer to split it with him. No, I think it was a bit douche-y as well. By my calculations, your friends overpaid, their drinks couldn't have cost more than 30$ plus a tip. Putting in 50$ was generous of them.
Johnny M Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 OK, so I'm not the only one who thinks this is kind of douche-y. I don't understand his reasoning either, and I really don't understand why, if splitting the bill was an issue for him, he didn't accept my offer to split it with him. Because he wants to impress you with his "generosity", yet this generosity is obviously fake because he is certainly not interested in extending it people he is not banging.
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 The only other explanation for his behavior that I've been able to come up with is that he just had too much to drink (despite my 5-ish drinks I was hardly buzzed; he was drinking straight liquor on the rocks) and didn't realize how little they had to drink; maybe he thought they were keeping up with him or something? That still shows a level of self-absorption I probably am not comfortable with...
homersheineken Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 The only other explanation for his behavior that I've been able to come up with is that he just had too much to drink (despite my 5-ish drinks I was hardly buzzed; he was drinking straight liquor on the rocks) and didn't realize how little they had to drink; maybe he thought they were keeping up with him or something? That still shows a level of self-absorption I probably am not comfortable with... Do you still have the bill? Show it to him and add it up. Show him how ridiculous he is.
Hot Mess Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 A little tipsy were we? How does your bf handle the alcohol? After 8-9drinks most people are not in the best of shape. I know a bad drunk who always finds something to complain about when he is drinking. Have you noticed a pattern in his behavior related to drinking? Here we go, there is always one prig who will try to make it about drinking. I am guessing you are from the States. This guy obviously felt the same way about the matter the next day when he was sober, so alcohol has nothing to do with it.
Tayla Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Next time be assertive and at the start create a separate tab. This spares all parties involved. Then if you want to treat your friends to some of the celebration drinks then that is your choice. You can ask the waiter/waitress/server to place their beverages on your tab. As an independent female I have found it complimentary to step up and make decisions to deter any misunderstandings when it comes time to pay the tab. I've yet to have a discouraging word with my male date when I have chosen this avenue. PS- If someone cares to leave the tip that is on them. PSS- Age has little to do with money power issues, that should be an opportunity for you and him to discuss his side and hear him out. You can politely point out your side of the matter too. I personally think He is being double standard and needs a reality check ( and make it pay that himself )
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 A little tipsy were we? How does your bf handle the alcohol? After 8-9drinks most people are not in the best of shape. I know a bad drunk who always finds something to complain about when he is drinking. Have you noticed a pattern in his behavior related to drinking? I wasn't at all (just a little buzzed); my drinks were pretty weak - which is possibly why I was more aware of what was going on than he was. As far as I can tell he's generally a happy drunk, but he and I don't drink together that often, and I think his drinking/partying in general has slowed down quite a bit in the last few years (I've heard stories of his younger days; he is a casual acquaintance/ friend of a friend type thing, so I also have a general idea of his drinking in the last couple years). He didn't cause a scene or anything that night. I could just tell he was annoyed because of the way he handled the situation with the bill. I don't think my friends picked up on it because they haven't mentioned it to me. No, I think it was a bit douche-y as well. By my calculations, your friends overpaid, their drinks couldn't have cost more than 30$ plus a tip. Putting in 50$ was generous of them. I agree; I thought $30 was the max they should've paid toward the actual tab as well. I would've gone even further and said that they should've only paid the $30 for a tip and my date and I should've covered the tab, because they had to take a cab home while he and I were in walking distance of our final destination.
TouchedByViolet Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Here we go, there is always one prig who will try to make it about drinking. I am guessing you are from the States. This guy obviously felt the same way about the matter the next day when he was sober, so alcohol has nothing to do with it. The guy had 8-9 drinks of liquor on the rocks in an hour and a half. How could alcohol not be involved?
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 N PS- If someone cares to leave the tip that is on them. PSS- Age has little to do with money power issues, that should be an opportunity for you and him to discuss his side and hear him out. You can politely point out your side of the matter too. I personally think He is being double standard and needs a reality check ( and make it pay that himself ) Good advice; I didn't say anything because when my friends came and the bartender asked if they were on our bill, my date said yeah, that we would figure it out later. I should've just stepped in; live and learn. I'll know for next time. What do you mean by your comment PS on the tip? Sorry to be dense, but I don't quite get what you're saying in your PSS, can you clarify?
Author OnlyJake Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 The guy had 8-9 drinks of liquor on the rocks in an hour and a half. How could alcohol not be involved? We were there for several hours; he and I were just there an hour to an hour and a half earlier than the others. WOW if he had 8 drinks in an hour I'd probably be taking him to the ER!
TouchedByViolet Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 We were there for several hours; he and I were just there an hour to an hour and a half earlier than the others. WOW if he had 8 drinks in an hour I'd probably be taking him to the ER! my bad for misunderstand the time frame
homersheineken Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Next time be assertive and at the start create a separate tab. This spares all parties involved. Then if you want to treat your friends to some of the celebration drinks then that is your choice. You can ask the waiter/waitress/server to place their beverages on your tab. As an independent female I have found it complimentary to step up and make decisions to deter any misunderstandings when it comes time to pay the tab. I've yet to have a discouraging word with my male date when I have chosen this avenue. PS- If someone cares to leave the tip that is on them. PSS- Age has little to do with money power issues, that should be an opportunity for you and him to discuss his side and hear him out. You can politely point out your side of the matter too. I personally think He is being double standard and needs a reality check ( and make it pay that himself ) "If" they care to tip? You're not from the US, I see
Hot Mess Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 "If" they care to tip? You're not from the US, I see You're right, she must be from the Rest of the World where we pay our service staff above child labour rates, rather than use the complicated, unofficial and socially awkward custom of tipping.
meerkat stew Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Here we go, there is always one prig who will try to make it about drinking. I am guessing you are from the States. This guy obviously felt the same way about the matter the next day when he was sober, so alcohol has nothing to do with it. Well, here's from one "prig" who thinks getting drunk on early dates is a BAD idea for all concerned, for so many reasons I can't count. If you have to get drunk to enjoy a date, something is wrong. A man who can drink 8-9 straight liquor drinks on a date and -not- be knee-walking drunk has problems far worse than being an inconsiderate date. I know, as in the distant past, I -was- that man.
homersheineken Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 You're right, it's better to reward and overpay for crappy service than to provide an incentive for good service. I've bartended in the US and the UK. I didn't have to do a damn thing in the UK to get paid. In the US, if I didn't bust my butt and treat the customers well I didn't get paid. And conversely I get served well in the US and got treated like crap in most of Europe. Why? There's no incentive for them to act above the level of a child. And it's not complicated. Really 20% is a difficult thing to figure out? Talk about childish...
meerkat stew Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 she must be from the Rest of the World where we pay our service staff above child labour rates... Thankfully, unlike in the "Rest of the World," child labour is illegal in the U.S., so unlike -wherever you are from-, it is a difficult comparison for us to envision here.
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