just_some_guy Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I've been struggling with this for months and months. With all the stressors on the marriage, when it is all boiled down, I am not in love with her anymore. At least I don't have the feelings a husband should have for his wife. I can't bear to hurt her and I still care about her and I want her to be happy. But the desire, physical and emotional and sexual, is gone. It used to be there, but it is gone. At least there are no kids. The whole ILYBINILWY thing is so cliche and tawdry. On the board, I know it means instant, "He must be cheating!" I'm not cheating, but I think it sums up my feelings, more or less. Or maybe I'm just too chick***t to come out and say it. It would be easier to have an affair, either to keep me occupied and distracted to ignore the problems or to set it up to get caught so she can have something to focus anger on and let me go. I don't think shutting the hell up and riding it out is workable. I can't imagine 20 more years of this. I'm young enough to find a new start, maybe even have children of my own with someone new. But I have to deal with this, for both our sakes.
JaneInVegas Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Dude ... no kids, why not just bail? Life is too short to not be with the right person. I can understand people who do it for the sake of their kids, but you don't. Yes, you may hurt her when you tell her you want out, but it sounds like you're going to end up hurting her a lot worse if you stick it out a lot longer. You're apt to stray, or end up hurting her in some other way.
scatterd Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 why dont you just tell her so she can move on and find someone capable of loving her.I dont understand how people come to this but she needs to know.Its not because something is wrong with her.How long have you been together and why do feel like this you might find after she is gone you did love her.for some reason you are numb.Are you taking anti depressants or what.It will hurt her but she will except it give her a few months to except it and she will want out.
scatterd Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 My husband said it to me and now he says he loves me he put me through alot then when I was ready to go was when he desided to make it work trust is hard now and im prepared for the worse so you beyyer be sure!
Author just_some_guy Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 (edited) We've got 10 years of history, 7 as a couple and 5 years of marriage. It isn't easy to just leave. She's dealing with some serious over eating issue. Things got really difficult in the last year to year-and-a-half. I could see the addiction-like aspects of the disease, the self-destructiveness and the emotional issues and the relationship failing, along with her health being at serious risk. I have some history in my first marriage with addiction and the newly sober and the recovery process. As things got worse, I shut down, walled up and self-protected. I tried to talk about it, but I got blown off and dismissed and at some points, things I would say were put in denial as if never uttered. She's finally made some breakthroughs and is beginning what will surely be a long process of recovery. It is so difficult though to talk about anything negative in the relationship. I can't say anything negative without starting an extreme emotional reaction with the waterworks and hyperventilating and unpredictable lashing out ranging from self-pity to telling me get out, to breaking things. It feels like ripping her heart out and I can't bear to see her suffer. At the same time, I'm unhappy, tense, uncomfortable in my own home. I'm going to move out for my own sanity, to bring some predictability and comfort and security to me. We've talked about this in couples counseling, and I made some moves to secure a place. However, this didn't go over well when I said I had started on it. Sigh. Numb? I guess you could say that. I'm trying the best I can to manage stress by working out, eating right, and self care. I try to take life a day at a time and try to keep as positive as I can. Edited March 9, 2010 by just_some_guy
scatterd Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Have you told her what this is doing to you and she needs to change.Marriages are hard but when they are out of control how much can you take.maybe she need some kind of support group.She sounds like she is hard on her self to.I cant think of anything more to tell you bbut stick aroud you will grt good advice here good luck.
scatterd Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I was thiinking some people act like that when they are depressed.maybe she should see a doctor try talking to her see what you can do to help her feel better.Marriage is falling in and out of love but think about why you married her and what it would take to get it back.Frustration can make you feel that way I hope you can work it out I hate to see people divorice.That can be an unhappy event also good luck.
McWifey Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 So i see you've already tried marriage counseling? Have you both seen a psychologist separately? It could help, getting your feelings out to a professional and getting some advice, it sounds like your wife needs to as well. Did you tell your marriage counselor exactly how you felt about your wife? If it didn't work and your not happy then the best thing to do is just tell your wife. You can only take so much, if you've done everything you can to save your marriage then maybe it's time you have a sit down with your wife, tell her exactly how you feel. Otherwise it sounds like you might have an affair, and in the long run that is going to hurt much worse! Save your wife the heartache and end things before it gets out of hand.
SoConfusledandHurt Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 So...she already knows you have started on moving into a new place? Well Id say thats a start. Now you need to tell her that at this point you cannot be the support she needs as a husband any longer. Tell her that you will do as much as you can but just from a distance and as a friend. It will be hard because she has resorted to acting out and being manipulative to make you feel bad. You need to expect this and acknowledge within yourself that even though it hurts...its for the best...because you just dont love her as a husband should love a wife anymore. So in other words, do not let her manipulations affect you. In fact this conversation should be done after you have packed and are ready to walk out the door. Scary huh? But you know what? You do deserve to be happy and so does she. If you cant give her what she needs emotionally and physically, then you should leave. Its not fair to HER either. She is expecting these things from you and you clearly know you have no desire left. So calmly tell her that you will stay and talk to her but that you will walk out the door the minute she starts being histerical. and whatever you do remain calm and collected...and be serious. If she starts...calmly express that you do not want to be involved in that kind of conversation and that she can call you when she has calmed down. That you will be a friend to her, but that you cannot deal with all the drama anymore. Then walk out the door. And start moving on with your life. You will both eventually be much happier as a result. She just may not know it...but she will!
kmm111 Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I just wanted to comment on this because I'm in a similar situation where I don't think I feel "enough" for my husband like a wife should. I believe he deserves more, but I know it would break his heart if I left. How old are you? We have no kids either but in my situation, there is someone else. It's sad because of course I believe this other person is affecting my view on my marriage, but I think the damage is done. Anyway, I know it's tough and I wish you luck.
Author just_some_guy Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 We're seeing a marriage counselor and individual counselors as well. She's begun the difficult work of a 12-step program, but not gotten far into it. I wrote that last post after she went to bed, after a 2 hour emotional roller coaster session. She subsequently got up to remind it was trash night, then went at it until 2am in the morning again. That's why I need a place to sleep. Between the emotional roller-coasting and her snoring, I've been seriously sleep deprived for months. My career is extreme high stress and long hours and my job performance has suffered. The snoring is better, after she lost some weight, but the emotional fits are giving me trouble. I am not reacting to them in an emotional manner, but inside, it is just tearing me up. Getting all wound up late at night doesn't help my sleep at all, even if we are in separate rooms. I'm still physically available as long as I'm in the house. It is tough, she is emotionally fragile and despite trying everything I can to push her to friends, counselors, family and 12-step groups, tends to make me the center of her emotional universe. It's too much pressure to put one man in that spot. If there is a path to reconciliation, I suspect it will take many months of working on it before cohabitation is a real option.
Recommended Posts