lost and with an alcoholic husband...

[mymimym]

I think I want a divorce, but i am not sure where to begin or how to get there. I am 26. my husband is 31. We are approaching our fifth anniversary in another month. We have been together about eight years total. This was a first marriage for both of us. We have a two year old daughter. I am a stay at home mom since my daughter was born. I have been looking for work, but not having any luck, and would need to move in order to find work I qualify for. Most likely as housekeeper or the like.

 

My husband is a "functioning" alcoholic. He is a very nice guy, goes to work everyday (actually hes usually to work at least an hour early and is actually working, plus lots of overtime), works a lot of overtime hours and weekends. He is a marine diesel mechanic. He works for my parents very successful boat business and makes a good living. He is NOT in any way abusive. He is good with his daughter, but doesn't spend much time at home with us awake. he drinks 3-10 beers a night most nights, at home, then falls asleep on the couch. he goes out to the bar once a week or so, and he drives drunk/buzzed/tipsy often. I have only gotten him to call for a ride once and that was because the cop was in the bar too. I do not let him drive my daughter anywhere if i can help it at all. He refuses to go to marriage counseling with me, and does not think he has a problem, because he "can quit anytime" and "hasn't hurt anyone"... i say yet. hes somehow managed to never get a DUI.

 

I feel so abandoned in my marriage. He thinks because i have things i want to do with my life (compete my horses, travel, etc) that i don't appreciate the life we have or the house, etc. I do, but i cant see living the way things are now, forever. I am tired of making excuses for his drunkenness. he is not destructive or mean when he is drunk at all. he just gets happy/dopey/loves everyone (hey man! i love you!) and then passes out. I am tired of it. I want my daughter to see her dad without the beer that he refuses to give up. I feel unapreciated and used.

 

We have very few assets, but the ones we do have are quite valuable. We own our own home. Custom built 4,000sqf on 10 acres on a very desirable island location in Washington State. We owe $390,000.00 on it and it is appraised at $770,000 so a ton of equity in the house. In this market I would still expect to have it sell for around $600,000 +/-. our cars are not worth selling (we drive them till they are dead and gone, then buy used again). We also have a boat (paid for, we originally purchased at a fraction of the current value) that is appraised at $120,000. And a very very fancy high end show horse (paid for, we originally purchased at a fraction of the current value) worth about $75,000. He has $10,000.00 of credit card debt, my name is not on any of the credit accounts. So about $400,000 in all to be squeezed out of things if we sold it all.

 

I dont really know where to go with things. I am not sure how to tell him i want a divorce. I don't want the house, he can buy me out, or we can sell it. He can keep the boat (i dont want it, i dont care if he sells it or not)! I DO want to keep the show horse. and i want my daughter. I don't think he will fight this much, but i dont know.

[BB07]

I'm so sorry for the situation you are dealing with and the pain you feel. Hugs to you and your daughter. You sound like you are a very strong lady and you will fine.

 

If you considered finding a support group for spouse of alcoholics?

[trippi1432]

I would suggest Al-Anon, I can totally relate to how you feel, went through that for fifteen years and he will never know how much dealing with that will take out of you.

 

My ex went every five years as the "fun drunk"....but it isn't fun when he's doing things that embarass you in front of your children, your family or your neighbors. I've even known some women who have dealt with it for so long, they wound up joining them.

 

There is only one hang up that I have about your story, so far you have stated the assets, but you have not once stated any other problems than that he has 3 to 10 beers a night. If there is not more to that story, then I would suggest Al-Anon and him AA.

 

I know a couple who's wife gave him an ultimatum, quit drinking or lose your family....he chose right. If it bothers you that much, have you given him that? My ex-husband taunts me even today that I never explicitly told him that, which is why he never tried....today, he's sober two months with his new GF. Is that worth keeping the horse, splitting the equity and letting him keep the boat?

[mymimym]

I have not had any luck with the support groups for alcoholic's spouses. He refuses to go to any sort of meetings or treatments. He gets stuff done around here sometimes. He expects me to be the leave it to beaver housewife, waiting for him with dinner made and drink in hand for him, and doing 100% of the housework, bill paying everything, because he is the one with a job. But it was all the same when I was working too.

 

We don't have much sex. I feel used when we do. He has told me I am beautiful exactly 3 times since we got married. our wedding day, the day out child was born, and when I miscarried our twins. I don't think i am either a stunner or ugly, but come on! I make an effort to keep myself up, he could at least throw a you look nice today at me.

 

I have voiced my feelings on it, given the "its beer or us - not both" to him and tried to get him help but he just ignores it and keeps drinking. His family denies he has a problem. I end up looking like the bad guy as I drag him home almost passed out from events, because we hide it so well the rest of the time.

 

We bicker about stupid stuff all the time it seems. I have told him I need help from him to care for our child, keep myself happy, have a date night or day off. he always replies that if i would make some changes first then he will think about it. if i would just cook him breakfast more... (i think 5 days a week is FINE!)... do this or that... etc then he would quit. i have done those things, but no quitting, no appreciation.

 

I listed out all the assets because i am not really sure about how things would be likely to split should things end up in court... and what are my odds of keeping my daughter full time? with no job and nowhere to go i dont really know where to start.

Edited March 9, 2010 by mymimym
adding to post...

[tnttim]

I usually stay away from these threads, but your husband sounds like how I used to be. I never understood why my wife hated my drinking so much. Like him, I never saw the destruction it was causing in my life. I said the same things, "I can stop anytime" and "who do I hurt when I drink, I am at home." I know exactly how your husband feels about his drinking, and I also know he loves his family, and especially you.

 

2sunny can help you with what I'm about to say, she's awesome at knowing how to set up boundaries you should have with him. IMO you should make him leave the house and present him with a choice, the beer or your family. It sounds very selfish, but he's the one being selfish. My wife did it to me, a little more actually, but I came out of our separation alcohol at home free. I do drink when I go to the bar, but it was 2009 the last time that happened.

 

Why this works. It works because he will see the life he has without your love and support. He will see how his drinking disrupted his family, and it is preventing it from growing, really hard to do stuff with family when you have a hangover. He will see that you are prepared to live life without him and it will scare the sh*t outta him.

 

Talking, pleading or begging with him will not help his problem, I bet you've tried that to no avail. Words never hold the power that actions do. When you talk to him about drinking, he takes it as a threat or you just b*tching at him.

 

Once I made it out of the fog of drinking I realized what I was really doing to my family. I thought a lot about my daughters and what I was showing them. Girls marry men like their fathers, their father is a measuring guide to every man. I thought, do I want my girls dating/marrying an alcoholic , selfish, a**hole. I will message Sunny to post on your thread. Good luck and I hope for only the best for you and your family.

[CarrieT]

I have not had any luck with the support groups for alcoholic's spouses. He refuses to go to any sort of meetings or treatments.

 

Consider going to Al-Anon. It is a support group for YOU, even though your husband will not consider a support group. They are everywhere and it is not something you need to attend together to get support and insight on how to deal with alcoholism.

 

I had an alcoholic Ex and my mother died of alcoholism, neither of whom would go to meetings. But Al-Anon is for the loved ones of alcoholics and is an amazing support group for those people trying to live with alcoholics so you should go all on your own, without your husband.

[trippi1432]

Consider going to Al-Anon. It is a support group for YOU, even though your husband will not consider a support group. They are everywhere and it is not something you need to attend together to get support and insight on how to deal with alcoholism.

 

I had an alcoholic Ex and my mother died of alcoholism, neither of whom would go to meetings. But Al-Anon is for the loved ones of alcoholics and is an amazing support group for those people trying to live with alcoholics so you should go all on your own, without your husband.

 

Thanks CarrieT, that is what I was going to post back as well.

 

Al-Anon is for you, not him. If he so chooses, he can attend AA or not...it's not a requirement. That support group is very good.

[mymimym]

I have gone to a few al-anon meetings in the past. in our very small community here i have not found them super helpful, or anonymous. the closest large city with a group is about 1.5 hours away, one way.

 

at this point i really think i am done though. i am getting too close to my breaking point.

[2sunny]

it is very hard for all the family members when the drinkers begins to affect daily life and how that's supposed to be happy. i wish you would try al anon again. it helps many that live with disease. whether he gets well or not - you will still live with him in your life on some level since you have a child together.

 

if he doesn't have a drinking problem - then he should have absolutely NO problem quitting when you ask him to.

 

if he doesn't quit - the drinking - by not drinking, he has a problem. normal drinkers can stay away from it without an issue. ask him not to have a drink for 90 days and see if he can do it?

 

if he can't do it - he may need to seek outside help.

 

if you think you're totally done - then i would ask him to move - at least for the time being. you see - when the drinkers are comfortable there is no reason for them to change at all. when you change the rules, boundaries and get tough - they may become so uncomfortable that they consider the change you have been asking for.

 

if you leave them all comfy and cozy - they see no reason to change at all. there has been no consequence to them and they find no reason to continue the way things have been. the idea is to make them as uncomfortable as possible so that they will change. a wake up call, of sorts. if he doesn't begin to change - then he doesn't intend to quit drinking. you will know pretty quick.

 

without any boundary or changes - things will continue on in this crappy manner - i don't blame you for wanting out... many do go that route.

 

on a side note - be honest with his family. to pretend to them or even to cover it up for him is as good as lying.

[tnttim]

if he doesn't have a drinking problem - then he should have absolutely NO problem quitting when you ask him to.

 

if he doesn't quit - the drinking - by not drinking, he has a problem. normal drinkers can stay away from it without an issue. ask him not to have a drink for 90 days and see if he can do it?

 

if you leave them all comfy and cozy - they see no reason to change at all. there has been no consequence to them and they find no reason to continue the way things have been. the idea is to make them as uncomfortable as possible so that they will change. a wake up call, of sorts. if he doesn't begin to change - then he doesn't intend to quit drinking. you will know pretty quick.

 

without any boundary or changes - things will continue on in this crappy manner - i don't blame you for wanting out... many do go that route.

 

on a side note - be honest with his family. to pretend to them or even to cover it up for him is as good as lying.

 

See why I informed her, spot on advise, thanks Sunny:)

[mymimym]

How do I go about talking with his family about this? I know his mom worries about him, but at the same time they all help enable him by getting him bottles of whiskey for his birthday? or christmas. his friends did the same. he got 3 bottles of whiskey and a bottle of rum for christmas this year. i dont think that is normal or appropriate...

 

He cant go more than 3 or 4 days without drinking. he refuses to quit or even try. I have asked him to quit numerous times. No change. He tries to rationalise it by saying that he doesnt hurt anyone so its not a problem. and that if I did more for him, or was a better wife/person/mother/friend/pick one that then he would quit. but we simply are not the priority here.

[trippi1432]

How do I go about talking with his family about this? I know his mom worries about him, but at the same time they all help enable him by getting him bottles of whiskey for his birthday? or christmas. his friends did the same. he got 3 bottles of whiskey and a bottle of rum for christmas this year. i dont think that is normal or appropriate...

 

He cant go more than 3 or 4 days without drinking. he refuses to quit or even try. I have asked him to quit numerous times. No change. He tries to rationalise it by saying that he doesnt hurt anyone so its not a problem. and that if I did more for him, or was a better wife/person/mother/friend/pick one that then he would quit. but we simply are not the priority here.

 

mymimym - I have heard those exact same words....

 

There is alot of info on the Al-Anon website that could be beneficial and there should be some 1-800 #'s for emergencies when you are at your ropes end to help YOU cope with it.....YOU being the operative word here.

[tnttim]

Let him worry about what he's gonna tell his family. You need to start thinking for yourself, he's a big boy, and can handle himself. Your asking, pleading and begging will yield the same results as they have in the past. When you keep doing the same thing over and over again and get the same results it's time to try something new.

[2sunny]

how do you talk to the family?

 

tell the absolute truth!

 

how can they know how to help if everyone pretends like nothing's wrong? stop the pretending.

 

state the obvious. state your boundary (ie... i'm leaving with the baby if he doesn't immediately quit drinking and work a strong program for becoming recovered).

 

tell them how bad it looks on a daily basis. ask his family to be loving and supportive if he's willing to get the help he needs. essentially, YOU have an opportunity to show him how to save his life. from there, HE needs to be the one to do something about it. if he's unwilling - there's not much to do except pray.