I think this says it all!

[LisaUk]

I think this article says it all-

http://www.tomorrowsworld.org/cgi-bin/tw/tw-mag.cgi?category=Magazine36&item=1115662604

[Gunny376]

Hell I could of told you that!

That's why this old Marine has been married once and only once.

 

I'm not saying I won't get married again ~ but if you see my picture in the Sunday papers talking about getting married again? That's ONE wedding you want to attend.

 

And you can bet! She's got the same attitude I do. We can fuss and fight but the only way you're getting out of this marriage is six feet under!

[hopesndreams]

The last paragraph teed me off. I bolded it.

 

More often than not, when two self-centered human beings divorce, they carry the pattern of failure from the previous marriage into their single life or their second marriage. This is why most unhappy couples who stick it out, and gradually change and adapt, are happier five years later. This is why those who refuse to change—who choose to divorce and to carry the same patterns of self-centeredness into their next marriages—tend to be unhappy five years later. In most cases, for one seeking happiness, divorce should be the last choice, not the first choice.

 

It only takes 1 self-centered human being to destroy a marriage. How is it that when 2 people divorce, they are lumped in together as both being self-centered? I'm being niggly. The article is right except for the bolded part, in most cases, not saying all. Or am I wrong?

[ADF]

What drivel. Look, a high divorce rate is the price you have to pay if you want to live as a free person in a free society. Look almost anywhere in the world where the divorce rate is low. What do those places have in common?

 

1) Women usually have few, if any, legal rights.

2) Marriages are arranged.

3) The marriage relationship is purely functional. Husband and wife each have a role to play, and they play it. End of story. They don't expect to be happy together. They don't expect to even like each other. Marriage isn't about that.

 

So long as we remain free to choose our own mates, so long as we expect them to treat us well, so long as we expect to be happy within relationships, our relationships--married or otherwise--will continue to have a high rate of failure. That's the price we pay for living as free people.

[LisaUk]

 

So long as we remain free to choose our own mates, so long as we expect them to treat us well, so long as we expect to be happy within relationships, our relationships--married or otherwise--will continue to have a high rate of failure. That's the price we pay for living as free people.

 

What you didn't learn in the first you carry to the next right? You are missing the point. The stats show that those who divorce are less happy 5 years later than those that don't. Why do you think that is?

 

Why do leavers forget the feelings they once had, the article is pointing out that by leaving, they learn nothing, they repeat the behaviour again and again never finding happiness. Those that stay and work on it, regain the happiness they once had. No one said anything worth having in life came easy.

[trippi1432]

I don't know if I can totally agree with that article. My first marriage only lasted a year, but we were together for almost 6 years. He was my real first love..the whole butterflies in the stomach, best friend in high school and he cheated on me constantly.

 

My soon to be ex-husband, together 15 years, married 3 and 13 of them the most miserable years of my life.

 

Would I go back to the first marriage.....NEVER!!!!! Would I go back to the second one.....ONLY IF LIGHTENING STRUCK ME DEAD ON THE SPOT.

 

Gunny, you and I will most likely share many bottles of Rum my friend.....

[trippi1432]

The last paragraph teed me off. I bolded it.

 

More often than not, when two self-centered human beings divorce, they carry the pattern of failure from the previous marriage into their single life or their second marriage. This is why most unhappy couples who stick it out, and gradually change and adapt, are happier five years later. This is why those who refuse to change—who choose to divorce and to carry the same patterns of self-centeredness into their next marriages—tend to be unhappy five years later. In most cases, for one seeking happiness, divorce should be the last choice, not the first choice.

 

It only takes 1 self-centered human being to destroy a marriage. How is it that when 2 people divorce, they are lumped in together as both being self-centered? I'm being niggly. The article is right except for the bolded part, in most cases, not saying all. Or am I wrong?

 

I agree with you here....why is it two self-centered human beings when it only takes one to walk away?

[unsureLP]

I think the article is a tad too simplistic, or maybe it's because I just don't like stats too much. You lose all the detail in numbers. If I look at the relationships around me that have stuck it out and those who gave it up, I see a mix. My sister had an emotionally abusive husband. Is she happy she left more than 5 years ago? Hell yeah. I look at my bio parents who stuck it out until he passed away, and what do I see? Nothing but heartache, tears, humiliation, endless cheating on his part. Would I call that happiness? Nope. But maybe my mother did? I don't know.

 

So, I guess I take the statistics in the article with a grain of salt.

[mimidarlin]

While part of me agrees with the article other parts agree it's simplistic.

 

I'm willing to work towards reconciliation, or I was willing. I think mc would have made our relationship stronger. So many people look at our relationship even now and wonder what happened. We have so much in common.

 

I think he is going through a MLC and working on our relationship would be hard work. It's easier to move on. I think in the end he will look back and realize that he didn't take the time to grow.

 

I pointed this statistic out to him once and he told me I was focusing on the negative. It doesn't mean that the second marriage has to be more likely to end in divorce. I agree...it doesn't have to mean that but if we don't reflect on what went south in our relationship and our responsibility for that failure history will repeat itself.

 

I won't let that happen to me.

[ADF]

The stats show that those who divorce are less happy 5 years later than those that don't. Why do you think that is?

 

Why do leavers forget the feelings they once had, the article is pointing out that by leaving, they learn nothing, they repeat the behaviour again and again never finding happiness. Those that stay and work on it, regain the happiness they once had. No one said anything worth having in life came easy.

 

The article doesn't show people who divorce are less happy. It shows that people who remarry are more likely to divorce their second spouse than their first. That could well wisdom, not unhappiness. Besides, there are plenty of miserable married people out there.

[OliveOyl]

So long as we remain free to choose our own mates, so long as we expect them to treat us well, so long as we expect to be happy within relationships, our relationships--married or otherwise--will continue to have a high rate of failure. That's the price we pay for living as free people.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

I also don't view divorce as "failure."

 

I would much rather have the ability to choose, and accept the fact that:

 

a) I may choose wrong or

b) my partner might feel he has chosen wrong or

c) the choice was right at the time, but allow that things will change over the course of time

 

than not have the ability to choose or change.

[Steadfast]

 

...The stats show that those who divorce are less happy 5 years later than those that don't. Why do you think that is?

 

 

While it's good not to believe everything you read, this has more right than wrong. I think what's more accurate Lisa is the old adage that say cheaters trade down, 'cheatees' trade up. If you think about it, most betrayers are too selfish to learn much of anything (in a twisted, self-protecting sort of way) and carry all their personal baggage into the next relationship. Because many of these people are very attractive and easily draw attention it's very easy for them to pick and choose mates with the 'potential' they seek. As per the emotional cycle, eventually, that person will run out of feel-good juice or whatever it takes to keep them happy.

 

For the other half, the opposite is favorable. If it's handled right the betrayed can learn and grow from the bad experience and develop a very accurate 'red flag' meter. Those that wish to give of themselves and share life, love and happiness are truly in a better place if (and it's a big if...) they can regain the ability to trust.

[sotagoon]

Those that wish to give of themselves and share life, love and happiness are truly in a better place if (and it's a big if...) they can regain the ability to trust.

 

 

Best thing I've heard in a while, just not sure how I'm ever going to get there?

[trippi1432]

Originally Posted by Steadfast

Those that wish to give of themselves and share life, love and happiness are truly in a better place if (and it's a big if...) they can regain the ability to trust.

 

Best thing I've heard in a while, just not sure how I'm ever going to get there?

 

Yeah, I was going to give that one a kudos too...regaining trust is the hardest part. It was hard enough for me to do that in my second marriage for obvious reasons due to my 1st ex being so unfaithful and emotionally elusive. In my second marriage, I don't think I trusted enough to love him as much as he he loved me.

 

Honestly, I was young and didn't learn anything after the first marriage (was only 23) except that I didn't want to get hurt like that again. The baggage I brought was a shield around my heart, insecurity and fear of being hurt again. And, for the record, for my STBXH, it was his first marriage and first long-term relationship (15 years, married 3 of them). I'm definitely doing some deep-diving to learn this time around.

 

For humor, I will also say this - my paternal Grandfather (may he rest in peace), didn't learn a da*n thing in almost 50 years. He was working on potential wife # 14 when he dropped dead of a heart attack out whooping it up at the Moose Lodge. :eek:

Edited March 9, 2010 by trippi1432

[LisaUk]

I think perhaps I got something totally different from the article. Things are clear now.

[HeavenOrHell]

Not sure my ex would have been happier if he'd stuck around, he wouldn't be able to finally sow his wild oats if he had, not saying he's doing that but if he'd left just cos he felt neglected, thought I didn't love or need him, then realised he was wrong cos I showed him he was loved and needed, but still stayed away then I guess he wants to be with other women, so I guess he WILL be happy now and in the future then seeing as he's got what he wanted. I used to think he was different to other blokes who want to sleep around but I guess not, hey ho.

 

 

What you didn't learn in the first you carry to the next right? You are missing the point. The stats show that those who divorce are less happy 5 years later than those that don't. Why do you think that is?

 

Why do leavers forget the feelings they once had, the article is pointing out that by leaving, they learn nothing, they repeat the behaviour again and again never finding happiness. Those that stay and work on it, regain the happiness they once had. No one said anything worth having in life came easy.

[tnttim]

I agree with the article but what the hell is a happy marriage? I think we as a collective society put way too much emphasis on being happy. I think there is so much pressure to be happy that it self destructs happiness. We set ourselves up for unhappiness by placing so much value on happiness. Plus, the survey was probably a 5 minute one, I bet if you ask the same person the next day the same question. You would a completely different answer. I constantly say I'm happy in M right now, but that's because I've been unhappy for so long. So what's the difference? I probably would be just as happy if I left and was alone, if that's what I wanted. I might even be happy with someone else, again not what I want.

 

Happiness like most feelings are self created chemical reactions. What makes one person happy, pisses another off. It's all about your perception, and your genes. Some people figure out what happiness is, and others are just born with it.

 

I hope each of us can find true happiness that doesn't come in pill form, at the bottom of a bottle, or at the expense of others.

[nobmagnet]

I think perhaps I got something totally different from the article. Things are clear now.

 

 

int for me!

 

raed it all.......managed to eat half an onion and cheese oh my. i have brain bleed!

 

its unikely you will have someone as like minded unless we have an LS conference IMO. We aint all completely broken, we can have songs. stories and GIN. just a thought......

 

hee hee

 

Nobby xx