Drummergirl_23 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Ok, first time poster, long time reader. My partner and I have been in a long distance relationship for aprox. 2.5 years off and on (lesbian relationship btw). Last week she speaks the dreaded words, "I need some time and space alone" blah blah blah. She insists that there is no one else and I'm inclined to believe her but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't cross my mind. So after she told me this (last week) I've been practicing NC and surprisingly, she has actually been contacting me almost everyday, asking how my day was and assuring me that this is for the good of our relationship and she doesn't want the break either but she thinks something needs to change and if we spend some time apart we might start to appreciate eachother a little more. Well, before this all happened, we had both gotten some days off for spring break and were planning on doing something together. Today via text she casually asked if I had gotten the days off after all and I said I had. I said something like "I don't suppose you'd like to do something with me would you?" and she said that's why she asked me. I initially I was excited but then I asked "Are you just saying that cause you don't have anything else to do" and she flipped saying she had plenty to do and was just trying to "squeeze" time in. I appologized for my choice of words and explained that I just didn't want her to feel obligated to do something with me if she wasn't ready and now she said she wanted to see me but now didn't know if we were ready for that. So I have two questions: 1. First and foremost, I know that you all are gonna say she has someone else and I should go NC and move on but she really seems like she's not doing that. She's been reaching out to ME and so forth. Has anyone ever been in a situation where the break was actually good for the relationship and things worked out or am I being naive? 2. Is seeing her during spring break a bad idea even if she wants to? I thought we were ready but after she flipped today about my comment, I'm starting to think we aren't ready. I don't want to argue during my time off and if she's gonna get offended by everything I say when I'm just trying to accommedate her!! Any advice, suggestions are deeply appreciated and I'd like to thank everyone on this site. I went through a break up several years ago and just reading the posts on here helped me gain so much insight, its crazy.
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 I knew I would probably get a few people that would say that and I think that when someone asks for a break that typically, whether there is another person or not, they are seeing how they would feel about a full on break up but are not willing to commit to a full break up until they are confident that they really want one. I dunno, I'm so confused because she is very adament when she says this is not permanent, she is still in love with me very much and that there is no one else. When I mention moving on or ask if there is someone else she says I am so wrong in my assumptions and urges me to see that isn't what she wants. I'm lost and in limbo in the mean time. I have had no contact with her unless she contacts me first, so I guess I'm gonna stick with that. She still calls me "baby" and says "I love you" and so forth and is still making the effort to contact me. She insists she is being honest and straightforward with everything that is going on. Why do people always play mind games??
ADF Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Whether or not she has someone else, whenever someone says they need a "break," you can be 99% sure the relationship is over. But might that be a good thing, at least in the long term? 2.5 years of LDR is horrible. When is this seperation scheduled to end? Unless LDR have a clear (and preferably quick) end dtae, they rarely work out well.
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Ya, the LDR has been tough. She's currently in school and almost done with her bachelor's. December is her tentative graduation date and she has stated that after that time, she has every intention of bridging the distance one way or another. Do you think that seeing each other over spring break is a bad idea?? After our conversation got heated today, we eventually calmed down and she decided we should sleep on the idea and discuss it more tomorrow. I want to see her so bad but I'm scared we're gonna argue and it will ruin any chance of reconciliation.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 When someone feeds you that line, you swallow it down with pride and leave them to their own devices. That said, if she wants a break, you're automatically on a break yourself. Go out and meet other people instead of waiting for her to contact you. It isn't fair to you to wait and still have her contacting you for whatever reason. You sound young ( mid twenties?) so you're not entitled to wait on her like she's your entire world. You're not giving her space to miss you so she's contacting you and still remain ( " let's take a break from each other".).
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 xpaperxcutx, I understand what you're saying and I have been trying to stay as busy as possible. btw, I will be 24 in June and she'll be 26 in May. I haven't been waiting for her to text or call all day, persay, but I admit that I have been checking my phone more than usual, lol. I've been trying to condition myself to EXPECT her not to contact me so when she does I become elated. Part of my confusion lies in the fact that in spite of her request for space and time, SHE'S been the one texting me all this crap. So now I'm starting to think its all mind games and her trying to have the upper-hand in the relationship. Its like she just wants the control.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 xpaperxcutx, I understand what you're saying and I have been trying to stay as busy as possible. btw, I will be 24 in June and she'll be 26 in May. I haven't been waiting for her to text or call all day, persay, but I admit that I have been checking my phone more than usual, lol. I've been trying to condition myself to EXPECT her not to contact me so when she does I become elated. Part of my confusion lies in the fact that in spite of her request for space and time, SHE'S been the one texting me all this crap. So now I'm starting to think its all mind games and her trying to have the upper-hand in the relationship. Its like she just wants the control. Then ask yourself, do still want a relationship with someone like her? See this for what it really is, a test. It's showing you the kind of person she really is and someone whom you didn't know she could be. Yes, recondition yourself to not look at your phone expecting her to call. In fact tell her the both of you are better spending spring break along and let her know that she can contact you after that.
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Ok, so waited all day, thought about it all day and I just texted her about 30 minutes ago saying that I thought it was best for us to not see each other but I hope she has an awesome spring break and don't gamble too much (she mentioned something about going to a casino). She's just like, "ok. whatever. bye". First I felt sad like what am I doing passing up time spent with her but then I started to feel good. Like I regained some power in the relationship by not letting her be in control of everything and dictate everything only on her terms. She seemed a little taken back and bothered by that and it made me happy on some level.
D-Lish Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Well good for you. I think it's selfish when someone says they want a break- but continue to initiate daily contact. You guys are already in a LDR, so how much more space is necessary? I would have reacted the same way you did regarding the spring break contact because she is sending mixed signals. She wants a break, but she wants to see you, she gets mad when you question if that's what she truly wants...?? I think you did the right thing by taking back the control with your decison to cancel things. If she really wants this break, she needs to figure out her crap and stop stringing you along with mixed signals. You should be proud of yourself for making the decision you did.
Tinkerbelll Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I think that when you're involved, it's difficult to see things as they really are. If someone needs to spend some time alone, give it to them: give it them all, space and time.for good. Stayng apart for some time means necessarily going NC: no IM, no BS chatting, facebook and everything. Only once we are forced to be apart from whom we love, we do realize how we feel about it. There' s no escape. So my advice is the usual: do not play games, life's just too short for that, but clear your mind, say her what you think about her and the whole situation, speak frankly about your feeling. But state also there you won't be at that door waiting forever for her love. Than go NC e start helaing.
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Thanks guys, I appreciate all the advice. I didn't mention that about 6 months ago I asked her for a "break" but it didn't have anything to do with someone else. I was busy and wanted to spend my time on other things (I'm in a band and we had just started writing songs and so forth) and she was becoming too needy. I needed some time to do what I was doing and not have to worry about her constantly giving me crap about practicing really late and not calling. I guess you could say I took her for granted. And she is really busy with school right now, she works full time and is a full time student so I'm trying to be understanding of her situation. Its just that we never used to have a problem making time for each other, even if it was just 10 or 15 minutes a day just to chat. Everything is so messed up right now and I feel like I'm playing a game of chess with her and now its her move.
sativo Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 No offense, but it seems to me like you're playing games with her. It's hard to fully understand the situation without knowing why she feels a need for time apart. Working and school can be really tough. Add to that a relationship that's rocky and usually peppered with arguments and that's a recipe for a lot of stress. Have you spoken to her sincerely about why she feels a need for a break? I mean, you guys are in a LDR, which means you have a geographical break already. Why does she want to avoid contact now? Also, it's inconsistent that she asked for a break and then is contacting you all the time. Maybe you should ask her what's up with that? Tell her you're confused. But anyway, I would not play games. If you want to know the truth, just come out and ask for it. If she wants to see you on spring break and you want to see her, why not just do it? You may be pleasantly surprised. Maybe what she just needs at this time is less stress. Less "talking about the relationship" and more having a relationship. Anyway, hope that helps.
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 No offense taken, I appreciate honesty very much. I suppose yes, I'm playing games because I want her back very much. We've done this song and dance before, break up for a couple days, get back together and so forth. Since she initiated the "break", I feel like she is the one who needs to tell me how she feels/what she wants. We have been fighting a ton lately and I will take some of the responsibility but not all. I think it takes two to make or break a relationship. Its just that if I go, I'm scared that I'm gonna have expectations of resolving all issues in those few days and it may not necessarily work out that way which may make me angry. Part of me wants her to reach out to me and say, "I need and want to talk to you about everything and begin the process of fixing all the problems" but as of yet, she hasn't done so. Guess I just have to keep giving her space.
sativo Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Honestly, I don't get that. I mean, if you love her, then why let anything get in the way? Just tell her how you feel. Tell her you don't want to lose her. Tell her you wish she would reach out to you. And let her know you don't like all the arguing (I'm sure she doesn't either). Something went wrong in your relationship... and maybe it can be fixed. I mean, why wonder? Why let pride get in the way? We're all fools in love. Just go be a fool. Put your heart out there. Cry. Tell her you're sorry. But also, let her know that you have your needs and limits and that you want certain changes (assuming you do). If in the end of that dust storm, if she says she still wants time apart, then that's a different story. In that case, I would tell her that you respect her decision and then invoke NC completely -- none of this touch and go stuff. Make sense?
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 I spoke to her more at length today. It was bad. VERY bad, lol. We ended up getting in an argument. I sort of did exactly what sativo said which was confess that I know I've been wrong and so had she, I'm willing to discuss everything at length and work things out, blah blah. I told her I didn't understand why we couldn't work this out without having to be on a "break". I dunno, it was a long conversation and too hard to write down. Basically I told her all I saw this was as rejection and that it would cause me to resent her. She stated i should feel the exact opposite. She reiterated that she did NOT want to break up, only that she wanted to see significant changes in both of our behaviors and attitudes before she gets back into things with me. She said its hard for her to be patient with me because I test her patience and she wants me to stop that so she can make positive changes within herself. She understands that she has a bad temper and, at least for the time being, I don't help that. She got angry when I stated do I need to "wait" for her and said that the whole point wasn't about "waiting" to talk but to make changes so we are able to work it out and talk it out. I'm terrible with patience. I suppose that's one of the things she wants me to work on. Me being pushy is only feeding into her perception of me. I'm gonna leave her be. We won't be seeing each other over spring break and I won't contact her again until she contacts me. She also is saying I'm "hiding behind the phone" and this will not be resolved over the phone. I can only assume she means because I won't go talk to her in person over spring break?? What do you guys think?
sativo Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Yikes, that does sound messy. I guess where things are confusing for me is... if she wants to work on the problems you guys have, why not do that together? Maybe read a self-help book together and meet to discuss it or something like that? I dunno, just making a suggestion. As for the break, I'm not sure how that's supposed to solve those problems. Maybe you're right.. maybe it's best to give her space. But you also gotta be looking out for yourself. I tend to be an all or nothing person, so if it were me, I'd probably need to shift into NC mode :-\
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 The hiding behind the phone thing still keeps throwing me for a loop. Its almost like she wants me to work for her or chase her a little but since she dumped me, I think its her who should be doing the chasing if she wants to reconcile, ya know? I dunno, I guess that's still my pride talking. We are both very stubborn, to a fault. At least when we fought she wasn't like "F you I never wanna speak to you again!!!" which is what I was afraid she would do. She was just like, "see, this is what I'm talking about that needs to change". I can understand. We do fight a bunch. I don't wanna fight. I would drive 5 hours and stand in front of her window with a boom box over my head if I thought it would help. I just can't read her for now so I'm gonna keep giving her some time. It doesn't seem like she's going anywhere. With all due respect to everyone who thinks she has someone else, I'm pretty sure I know her better than that. I may be proven wrong, only time will tell. I'll be sure to let you all know though, lol!
fooled Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Seriously - you are in a LDR - your whole frikkin relationship is a break. Look, if I was you, I would tell her that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me in return - to take your break - figure it out - and don't call me until you do.
Tinkerbelll Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Mmmmm.. it seems to me that the matter is quite complicated and that there's no willing from both parts to work things out. I would suggest you both take your time, allow emotions to cool off and have have a talk.
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