New and unsure

[unsureLP]

Hey everyone,

 

I just joined this forum because I need some perspective. I need to talk about marriage issues that I can't talk with people around me. I'll try to keep my story short.

 

My husband and I have been going through a really rough time for the past year and a half. Earlier this year we started going to counseling to see if we could work things out after a particularly nasty fight that was the culmination of escalating arguments over many months. We're both emotionally drained (we've talked about this) and we feel the fights are pushing us further and further away from each other but we don't know how to stop them. Counseling has not worked so far in the sense that the fights still continue, even if none have been as bad as the one that prompted us to go get help. If we separate, I don't know...

 

Some background facts: we have a toddler that's the light of our life, I'm finishing up my PhD (stress and lack of time for anything other than immediate issues), he's very stressed from a job he hates but can't get out of, he's stressed due to his perceived lack of ability in English and difficulty in relating to Americans (we're in an intercultural marriage), he would like to go back to his country but I don't speak the language and would feel really uncomfortable in the culture. This last part is a bit hypocritical of me, I think, because I'm expecting to stay here when he feels the same way about the US. I will say though that we met here and he never talked about this issue before. In fact, he was all about America being so much better in many aspects.

 

So I'm unsure. Emotionally, I feel like the marriage is done, the fights have really taken their toll on my feelings for him. But I also recognize he has some wonderful qualities as a person - he's creative, full of life, adventurous, and persevering. He's also a great dad, and our daughter loves her papa. If we separate, he said he would go back to his home country and would probably never see her again (just thinking about this makes me feel sick). This is also my second marriage (barely out of college in the first one, no kids together, and didn't last very long...), and so I can't help but wonder what the **** is wrong with me.

 

This wasn't short after all... Any perspectives, words of support (or criticism), anything at all from anybody? Anyone been in this situation?

 

LP

[sotagoon]

Although short....your post/story really hits my heart.

 

I might be totally off my rocker here....but it seems to me that you two love each other, yet are having a hard time finding middle ground.

 

Although I have never been married, we were together for 8 years. (Lived together for 7.5 of them and in my eyes were as married as anyone I now that is.)

 

From my own experience, all I can say, is that I wish I had the chance to have my GF tell me what she wants, but yet being compassionate enough about realizing that maybe I can't give up my entire life to give her that. In saying that, I don't take well to over-criticism or demands...I'm much more of a deal maker.

 

I guess I have always been one to think that a lasting relationship/marriage only works when compromise and sacrifice are shared equally? I think that this only works when respect is also equal.

 

I understand how the thought of your daughter missing a life with the oth of you is heart wrenching. From my point of view, making a sacrifice to grow together (you and your husband in this case) is no different than anything else you'd do for your daughter....and as a bonus...if you love each other....you can be happy together.

 

I'm sorry if I am rambling, but from an outsider....if you can make this work, I think you ALL can be happy in life.

 

just my 2cents...

 

Welcome to LS

[carhill]

What are the fights about?

 

How many sessions of counseling have you received?

 

Was the decision for you to complete your PhD a mutual one, given the home circumstances and dynamics involved? If yes, how did that go and did it occur prior to the precipitative fight?

 

Welcome to LS

 

Hey, 15,000 posts

[floridapad]

iT seems as though you each have your own issues you are dealing with (him with the job and you with the PHD) that are creating tension in your relationship. If you BOTH can learn how to resolve your own internal stress issues you may not take it out on each other as much. Your probably looking to each other to resolve the stress that each of you are going through but it's almost like you can't do it. Pretty darn common in life and very fixable if you stick with things. When have you two gotten away together with out the child. Have you thought about attending a retrouvaille weekend.

 

Don't let these fights fool you into believing your marriage is over. All marriages hit tough roads and it really takes communication with each other and better communication with your inner self in order to get through this. Don't blame him solely for your impaired feelings towards him.

 

He will have to find his own strength and you will have to find yours. Separation right now doesn't seem to resolve anything. If you can't get through this then how will you get through future challenges? There will definately be more regardless of who you are with. Do a lot of reading TOGETHER. I know you are studying for your PHD but if you want your familly to survive this is critical.

[unsureLP]

What are the fights about?

 

A lot of different things. Lately it seems that any little thing will spark a fight. For example, just last night he was trying to fix one of our daughter's toys and she wanted to play with it. It was almost bed time so she was overtired and prone to meltdowns. He took it away to fix it and she started crying, so I asked him if he could fix it after she went to bed and he got upset and we ended up fighting. We later agreed that next time I should try to explain to him why I wanted him to wait (to avoid her falling into a total meltdown for unnecessary reasons). He thought I was criticizing him. Other fights have been about me being too opinionated. Usually he gets upset about something I say.

 

How many sessions of counseling have you received?

 

About three months, every other week.

 

Was the decision for you to complete your PhD a mutual one, given the home circumstances and dynamics involved? If yes, how did that go and did it occur prior to the precipitative fight?

 

Yep, it was mutual, and we had made all kinds of plans about it. We were both going to grad school and applied to the same places so we could stay together. We both got offered funding to the same school and started going to our respective Master programs at the same time, then I got pregnant. I took a short leave (one semester), and went right back to school. He stayed on while I was on leave, finished his MS, and got provisionally accepted to the PhD on the condition that he passed a certain test. He failed the test the first time he took it, then passed it the second time but lost his funding due to the first try. So he had to leave the program. I not only completed my MA with almost perfect grades, but got recruited into the PhD program with two different sources of funding. I know part of the problem is that he's a bit resentful of my chance to continue the program I want while he had to leave (he's told me as much). We had fights before, but since the birth of our daughter and the subsequent PhD situations for both of us, the fights have escalated. But he says although it makes him resentful, this is not the real reason or main reason for him getting upset so easily.

 

Thank you for the welcome.

[unsureLP]

iT seems as though you each have your own issues you are dealing with (him with the job and you with the PHD) that are creating tension in your relationship. If you BOTH can learn how to resolve your own internal stress issues you may not take it out on each other as much. Your probably looking to each other to resolve the stress that each of you are going through but it's almost like you can't do it. Pretty darn common in life and very fixable if you stick with things. When have you two gotten away together with out the child. Have you thought about attending a retrouvaille weekend.

 

I agree to a certain extent. We do try to leave the stress we have at work/school out of the house, though I think it makes us both testy. Admittedly, we don't get out by ourselves as much as we should and would like to. We do have a date for this Friday, which I am looking forward to.

 

Don't let these fights fool you into believing your marriage is over. All marriages hit tough roads and it really takes communication with each other and better communication with your inner self in order to get through this. Don't blame him solely for your impaired feelings towards him.

 

I definitely don't blame him, or at least not solely him, for our fights. I know a big part of it comes from me too (it takes two to tango right). I think, and I've told the counselor this, that it's the dynamic between us that's going awry somehow. The fights make me distance myself emotionally, that's all. They are really emotionally draining and I can only take so much. He feels the same way, or at least that's what he says.

 

If you can't get through this then how will you get through future challenges? There will definately be more regardless of who you are with. Do a lot of reading TOGETHER. I know you are studying for your PHD but if you want your familly to survive this is critical.

Completely agree with you here.

[mimidarlin]

Unsure,

Cross cultural marriages can hit a lot of roadblocks or hurdles that other marriages may not encounter. It doesn't mean they can't be overcome but a lot of work has to go into it. My STBX and I were together fifteen years. I grew close to his family but most of them live near us. Visiting his country was difficult. I have a lot of experience with traveling and I love it but the language and cultural barrier leave us wide open for a range of miscommunication.

 

I suspect that his failure to get into the phd program shot his confidence to hell. Especially in the face of your success. I don't know what the male/female roles in his country are but the situation may be challenging his preconceptions on many levels.

 

Has the counselor worked at helping you understand the preconceptions you both have about men, women, relationships, children, family etc. ?

 

I know it's a big leap but I highly recommend that you consider going to his country for a long vacation. Don't promise to move there but recognize that his culture and family are important. Appreciating the history, culture, language of our partners culture can help build many bridges.

[trippi1432]

Thank you for sharing. I hope it's a good journey for you.

Thought I would post this over on your thread instead, hope you don't mind.

 

Welcome unsureLP and thank you for that, I hope it is too.

 

In checking out your story, I found it interesting. While yours is a multi-cultural issue, many marriages go through troubles due to differing backgrounds whether they be social, economic or geographically challenging. Some challenges are different parenting beliefs, religions, habits and cultures.

 

It may not seem like it here as you probably haven't had much time to check out the back-stories, but some of the differences you reflect in your marriage affected my marriage as well. There is a lot of information on this forum to take in and you could spend a lot of time here for that....but I'm interested in seeing how yours plays out...I think your marriage is salvageable, you need to take a small journey yourself to understand why you want to leave it. I especially like mimi's advice to take an extended vacation to his country...if you only choose to live in your own world based on your own values and opinions, how can you learn to respect his and how can he feel respected as a husband?

[unsureLP]

Mimi and Trippi,

 

I did take an extended vacation to his country last year. We had noticed there was trouble brewing in the relationship, and we both thought it was related to his academic/cultural stress. So we took an extended vacation of 2 months back to is hometown. It was before I started my PhD, so the plan was - depending on how we felt and how well I did over that period, we would consider moving there (I had just completed my Masters). I enrolled in language classes to help me communicate, though I knew that two months was too limited really. But I picked up enough that I could go shopping, take the train and bus anywhere, and talk to his parents and siblings without him translating. I even took my daughter on a playdate with one of his old friends. So it wasn't terrible for me. But I wasn't comfortable, felt like a complete outsider in most situations, would get strange looks when walking with my daughter in the neighborhood, and would get chastised for wanting to have a real job and a career. And it would take me forever to learn his language beyond survival skills since they don't use the same alphabet.

 

And more importantly, he hated it! He became so depressed while there that we cut our trip short (it would have been 3 months). At first he was so excited, but then, somehow he flipped into a terrible depression and even his parents were shocked. His father told us we would be better off staying here and trying our best. When we came back he felt better for a month or so and we also got better in terms of our fighting. Then it started again and it hasn't stopped. In fact, it's only gotten worse.

 

I'm struggling to figure out what my part in it is and what I can do to change/help. I'm beginning to see a few things - I have pretty high expectations, I'm too independent when I should be striving for interdependence (maybe; still working this one out), I'm impatient, I'm stubborn, and I'm opinionated. I've been feeling like I'm kind of a b*** lately. Well, there's more to it than that.

 

But he's got is part in it too. He's controlling. I didn't realize how much until the counselor pointed it out; he was trying to control what I said in the sessions and the counselor called us on it. I realized how much I try to get his approval before saying anything. He can also be manipulative and hurtful, using things like "I'm leaving and not coming back until she's older" or "I'm leaving you and taking her (our daughter) back to my country with me" to get me riled up when I'm trying to avoid screaming arguments.

 

Things got ugly when he lost control during one fight and started punching himself. I got scared. That's when I told him that either we were going to counseling to get help or I would be leaving. I'm really trying to move past all of that, but it's taking me longer than I thought. I'm still afraid of the fights and I'm burned out I think. I can't continue to live the way things were going for the past year and a half.

 

But I told him and I really mean it - I'm still here, I really, really want to work things out.

 

Wow, what a book. Thank you for reading it.