walestricky1 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Hello everyone, New member here with a problem, just looking for some advice if anyone has been in a similar situation! Been going out with my girlfriend now for around 9 months, everything has been going great - we both have stressful work lives but other than that we're extremely happy together. Out of the blue yesterday however I was accused of cheating on her/having an affair. We had bought 2x boxes of condoms about a week and a half ago with 15 condoms in each. I put most of them in the drawer by the bed we share, and put the rest and the full box in another room in the house where we keep stuff. Without wanting to get too detailed, both of these packs had a 'vibrating ring' included in each pack. Yesterday she went to the other room and only found one box of condoms, with only 5 left inside (and no vibrating ring). Her instant thought was that I was using them with someone else. Now from my perspective, the feasibility of me, within 1 and half weeks, using 10 condoms and a vibrating ring for use elsewhere considering we bought them together and they had been left out on the side is ridiculous, however I'm also not that naive that I don't know that missing condoms are a sign of infidelity so I do understand her initial concern. The problem is that I can't explain where they have gone. It should be reiterated here that she doesn't know I'm posting this and that I DIDN'T cheat on her. There is only the two of us living here, however up until last monday we had workmen come in and out of the house as we had our bathroom replaced, and they had keys and access to the house during the daytime when we were both at work. I'm not necessarily accusing the workers of taking them, and when looking for them in my room I'm not sure what I'm looking for - a full, unopened box, or loose condoms in packets that have fallen behind somewhere. All I've been able to say is that I have never and would never cheat on her. She's been hurt in the past and so has some trust issues, although she is not the overbearing jealous type. The problem is that I'm concerned that I will never be able to explain where they went. She is pretty much giving me the cold shoulder at the moment. If anyone else has been in a similar situation or if anyone has a viewpoint on this your advice or contributions would be very welcome!
2sure Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 If anyone else has been in a similar situation or if anyone has a viewpoint on this your advice or contributions would be very welcome! I'm sure many people have been in this position before: The missing condom phenomena. The typical answers are : I gave them to a friend, the dog chewed them up, I thought they were handy wipes, or someone stole them. Looks like your all set.
blue.iris Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 If you honestly think the workmen took it, then you should tell her that. You can also reason with her that you are an adult with at least average intelligence. If you did want to cheat, you would buy an extra box of condoms she didn't know about and keep them somewhere she couldn't find. That way she'd never know.
carhill Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 If I were in your circumstance, I would clearly state that I do not know what happened to them and that there were other people in the home while neither of you were there during the time period. If she couldn't accept that as a reasonable response, then I'd reconsider my interest in continuing with her. Life's too short to be subjected to that kind of interrogation, IMO. I'd give the straight scoop. She's responsible for her feelings and accusations. You could make a few of your own, you know but don't go there. High road....
troggleputty Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 ....to paraphrase Sherlock Holmes, when you have eliminated all the other possible explanations, the one remaining, no matter how improbable it may seem, is the correct explanation. So what happened to the missing condoms? Your gf herself used them...with someone else. And she's falsely accusing you as a cover up.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Is it possible that she took them herself and is trying to bluff you into some other 'confession' that may not have to do with the condoms? Do you have a girl friend that you talk to or work with? Someone you text or email with? A FB friend that you might have commented with? Any possible other female you interact with that might make her jealous? I'm wondering if she is suspicious of something else, or on an even more paranoid note - she is cheating on you, thinks you might suspect and is pulling some sort of blame game to deflect?
carhill Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 she is cheating on you, thinks you might suspect and is pulling some sort of blame game to deflect? Yes, this was actually my first thought and the impetus for my "You could make a few of your own, you know, but don't go there.' comment. Better IMO to address the issues straight up and let it play out, but, as you indicate, be aware of the potentials.
Bejita463 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Yes, this was actually my first thought Mine as well.
Author walestricky1 Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Thanks for the advice so far guys, appreciated. In all honesty it is extremely unlikely that she is cheating on me - there are no other supporting signs (not answering phone, unexplained absences), and we spend nearly all our time together (and with our friends of course) - so the time for either of us to have an affair would be extremely limited at best!
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Are any of your friends girls that she might be jealous of for some reason or other?
blair08 Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 It bothers me when someone says, "its unlikely my partner is cheating" or they act like 100% for sure that they know for sure they are not, or "they would NEVER cheat on me." I'm not saying whether she is is isn't, but to say its unlikely is like putting blinders on to what may or may not be happening. The condoms didn't just get up and walk away on their own.
PandorasBox Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Wow the case of the missing condoms. Have a talk with her. Sit down and ask her in non-accusatory way what is the best way to solve this situation and to back track and see if you both can come up with what has happened to them. This might sound silly but to put an end to all this, you said workmen were in your home, why not call them up and ask them. Tell them its ok, make them feel if they did that its ok and you understand, that way maybe they would feel more at ease with telling you. I don't know that they would tell you, but they might. If they didn't take them, you're back to square on huh.
SummerLady Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Hello everyone, New member here with a problem, just looking for some advice if anyone has been in a similar situation! Been going out with my girlfriend now for around 9 months, everything has been going great - we both have stressful work lives but other than that we're extremely happy together. Out of the blue yesterday however I was accused of cheating on her/having an affair. We had bought 2x boxes of condoms about a week and a half ago with 15 condoms in each. I put most of them in the drawer by the bed we share, and put the rest and the full box in another room in the house where we keep stuff. Without wanting to get too detailed, both of these packs had a 'vibrating ring' included in each pack. Yesterday she went to the other room and only found one box of condoms, with only 5 left inside (and no vibrating ring). Her instant thought was that I was using them with someone else. Now from my perspective, the feasibility of me, within 1 and half weeks, using 10 condoms and a vibrating ring for use elsewhere considering we bought them together and they had been left out on the side is ridiculous, however I'm also not that naive that I don't know that missing condoms are a sign of infidelity so I do understand her initial concern. The problem is that I can't explain where they have gone. It should be reiterated here that she doesn't know I'm posting this and that I DIDN'T cheat on her. There is only the two of us living here, however up until last monday we had workmen come in and out of the house as we had our bathroom replaced, and they had keys and access to the house during the daytime when we were both at work. I'm not necessarily accusing the workers of taking them, and when looking for them in my room I'm not sure what I'm looking for - a full, unopened box, or loose condoms in packets that have fallen behind somewhere. All I've been able to say is that I have never and would never cheat on her. She's been hurt in the past and so has some trust issues, although she is not the overbearing jealous type. The problem is that I'm concerned that I will never be able to explain where they went. She is pretty much giving me the cold shoulder at the moment. If anyone else has been in a similar situation or if anyone has a viewpoint on this your advice or contributions would be very welcome! Here is the problem. She thinks it. Even if you didn't cheat the stage is set and it will linger in her mind. Like Gunny or Carhill said to me once, sorry, can't remember who said it. I trust everyone until they give me a reason not to. You know the rest after that.
2sure Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Wow, I guess I really am jaded. My thought was/is that he used the condoms himself or at least moved them to his car , because he was cheating on his gf and that he came here looking for verbiage. His sincerity never occurred to me!
EnigmasMuse Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 You had workmen in your home, ok fine. You stated that the other box of condoms were in another room in the house. I didn't see you say which room. Anyway, were the box of condoms laying out? If not, and you think the work men might have taken them, they would have to be snooping to find them correct? Do you really believe they took them? I mean, why wouldn't some workmen be able to go out and purchase their own condoms. I guess they thought if they were going to steal something might as well be something like some condoms. Here is my take on it. Either she took them and is trying to pin it on you. Or you did and have come up with this story because you're bored. Sorry.
Author walestricky1 Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 I'm not going to fall into the trap of biting at the accusations that I'm making this up - I'm far too busy to waste my time on something like that. The fact is that I am being sincere, I'm quite hurt at her accusation of cheating and was wondering if anyone else had been in a similar situation. Seems quite a few people are jaded about such things which is a shame because it was a genuine post. Oh well - will have to see how things pan out!
2sure Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Oh NO!! I'm laughing at my own presumptuousness and see that I AM jaded! As such, even I would disregard my own advice. As always when it comes down to it, you only have the truth. Tell her that you are as stumped as she.
EnigmasMuse Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I'm not going to fall into the trap of biting at the accusations that I'm making this up - I'm far too busy to waste my time on something like that. The fact is that I am being sincere, I'm quite hurt at her accusation of cheating and was wondering if anyone else had been in a similar situation. Seems quite a few people are jaded about such things which is a shame because it was a genuine post. Oh well - will have to see how things pan out! Never mind the accusations. I stated another possiblity as well, and that was maybe it was her trying to blame you. Do you think thats a possiblity? Do you also believe it was the workers in your home? If you feel its a possibilty then contact them like someone else had suggested and get to the bottom of it.
JackJack Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I'm not going to fall into the trap of biting at the accusations that I'm making this up - I'm far too busy to waste my time on something like that. The fact is that I am being sincere, I'm quite hurt at her accusation of cheating and was wondering if anyone else had been in a similar situation. Seems quite a few people are jaded about such things which is a shame because it was a genuine post. Oh well - will have to see how things pan out! I don't think its about other people being jaded, I think its more about people giving you some suggestions or opinions. Their opinions doesn't mean they are right or wrong. No matter what anyone here says or thinks, it will come down to what you feel you need to do about it. How have things been with you both since she mentioned the missing condoms to you?
Author walestricky1 Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Oh NO!! I'm laughing at my own presumptuousness and see that I AM jaded! As such, even I would disregard my own advice. As always when it comes down to it, you only have the truth. Tell her that you are as stumped as she. That's pretty much where it's come to really - the difference with this and me being 'busted' is that I don't have anything to hide so hopefully that will show in time Never mind the accusations. I stated another possiblity as well, and that was maybe it was her trying to blame you. Do you think thats a possiblity? Do you also believe it was the workers in your home? If you feel its a possibilty then contact them like someone else had suggested and get to the bottom of it. The idea that she could equally have taken them has been raised with her as well which of course she denied. Could try calling the workmen, problem is that there were about 3 different contracted workers doing different jobs throughout the week (plumbing, electrics etc) and so I wouldn't know where to start! Hopefully things will become more apparent over time!
Author walestricky1 Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 I don't think its about other people being jaded, I think its more about people giving you some suggestions or opinions. Their opinions doesn't mean they are right or wrong. No matter what anyone here says or thinks, it will come down to what you feel you need to do about it. How have things been with you both since she mentioned the missing condoms to you? You're right and I welcome all opinions negative or otherwise - always good to see what another interpretation of events may be! Things have been better than sunday, talking to each other but there's something missing at the moment, and I feel that my usual affection towards her is being interpreted as guilt of some kind, so I'm just taking it easy - hoping time will help her accept that I haven't done anything. My gut tells me that the full box was taken opportunistically by one of the lads working on the bathroom. It was out on the side in the spare room, and knowing that it wasn't anything of particular great value the person who took them didn't think much of it - if only they knew the aftermath eh!!
JackJack Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 If you haven't already, make it known to her that its possible one of the workers took them. Watch her reaction. You're right hopefully time will tell exactly what may or may not be going on.
blue.iris Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 It bothers me when someone says, "its unlikely my partner is cheating" or they act like 100% for sure that they know for sure they are not, or "they would NEVER cheat on me." I'm not saying whether she is is isn't, but to say its unlikely is like putting blinders on to what may or may not be happening. The condoms didn't just get up and walk away on their own. Sometimes, people just trust each other. It may seem like an astonishing concept to a few members on these boards (especially men from the posts I've come across), but there are relationships where the two people involved trust each other not to cheat. That said, the girlfriend in this situation extremely, abnormally paranoid! Kudos to the OP for not going nuts!
Crusoe Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 As a workman who spends his life in and out of peoples homes, I have to say it is likey one of your workmen took them. You wouldn't believe some of the things some of the younger, less professional lads get up to once the client is out.
blair08 Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Sometimes, people just trust each other. It may seem like an astonishing concept to a few members on these boards (especially men from the posts I've come across), but there are relationships where the two people involved trust each other not to cheat. That said, the girlfriend in this situation extremely, abnormally paranoid! Kudos to the OP for not going nuts! Sorry, thats not what I was meaning. its not about trust. Its about the fact that its POSSIBLE anyone can do anything at anytime, but in some people's cases it might be more safe to say its less probable for some. No one is free from doing or not doing anything. Its possible I could become an alcoholic, but not real probable. But I wouldn't say that I would NEVER do something. For I do not know the future.
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