I'm too attached and can't break up even though I know I should!

[mcpexa]

I've been in a relationship for almost six years. It didn't start out on the right foot as it was the product of an affair. He left his wife for me.

 

Here we are six years later, and while I do love him deeply, I do know that we are not meant to be. He's considerably older than me, and we are just on different paths. The thing is...I cannot bring myself to leave! We tried once a few months ago, but it didn't work. We took about 2 days off from each other and couldn't bear the separation.

 

I'm frustrated because I know he cannot give me what I want. Our age difference is beginning to affect me in that he doesn't want to get married or have kids again. My head tells me to leave, my heart tells me to stay. When i give in to my heart, I find myself depressed because my needs will never be met. Another factor is that I am quite dependent on him financially. I'm a graduate student and he's been paying my rent and my cost of living. I don't work because I'm a FT student who has to work about 60 hours/week doing student things.

 

I feel caught between a rock and a hard place and really need some thoughtful insight. Why can't I make the break???

[2sure]

I'm positive that once you complete your degree and are able to work & earn your own income...you will find leaving does not bother you so much.

 

Thats just the way it is.

[mcpexa]

I'm positive that once you complete your degree and are able to work & earn your own income...you will find leaving does not bother you so much.

 

Thats just the way it is.

 

So does that mean I have be unhappy for the next 2 or 3 years with this man? I just don't think I can stay because he is supporting me. I'm 33 and my clock is a tickin! I love him, but not for his $$$. I wouldn't feel right staying just because he's footing the bills. My education is a long journey. And I'm not getting my needs met.

[2sure]

No, I'm not saying it is right to stay simply because he is supporting you, only that leaving would be an easier decision for you to make if her were not supporting you.

 

If you want marriage, children, and a family...which are natural and good things to aspire to...and he does not: Its a deal breaker for both of you.

[RedCherries]

Poor thing.. I was in the same predicament for 2 years, out of a 4 year relationship. Trust me, once you have those feelings of "we are not right for each other" it will never get better. Especially since you say he is significantly older and he seems set in his ways. I know it's tough because you love him but I made the choice a month ago to leave the man I still love also, because like you, I felt that he wasn't the man I needed him to be. I know I wished that he would change but he definitely didn't want to and I knew it would never get better. My heart is still very heavy and I have doubts every day but I try to push through. I know going back to him won't do me any good because after the initial pleasure and high, I will go back to feeling depressed and upset with him.

 

You're stuck because you are comfortable and have a routine, and also because he is supporting you! Take the supporting part out of the picture for a moment - staying with someone out of comfort is wrong. Staying with someone because they are supporting you is wrong too, but what I'm trying to say is that people generally don't like change and this is probably why you are not leaving him. Also, I'm sure everytime you think of leaving you think of all his qualities that you DO like and that prevents you from doing what you need to do.

 

But it's been 6 years already... you could be out there meeting someone who CAN give you what you want. Don't you want to take that chance?

[Eyeofthoth]

I know I am being a bit judgmental here -- but if you don't see a future with him, I think you need to get out from having him support you ASAP. Being a student is not a good reason not to be supporting yourself. There are such things as student loans and part-time jobs.

 

I put myself through law school. Didn't have a car and worked like hell, but at least I was not tied to someone out of financial obligation.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do understand how hard it is to leave once you are attached, I just think that if you know it isn't what you want, you need to take active steps. You are 33 and want kids and he doesn't want anymore? Leave now! A little temporary poverty is worth the long-term goal of having a family.