LaChatteNoire Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 (edited) I know that it is common for both women and men in relationships to be hard-headed and always have to be right. But for me, it has gotten to the point where I just don't even want to say anything anymore because I know that my statement or opinion will be proven wrong or thrown out the window. My boyfriend of almost 4 years (our anniversary is actually this coming weekend) has always had this problem of hard-headedness, but more recently it has just gotten under my skin. Some examples of the issues: Our large tree limb at the house that I'm leasing (while my other house is built) fell into the neighbor's backyard. So the neighbor, understandably, wanted us to take care of the branch and get it out of his yard within 3 days. My father has a chainsaw and I know that he would be willing to cut it up and get it out of their yard. This was my easy, no-hassle solution. After telling my boyfriend this solution, he says that it's not my problem and that I need to contact the owners of the house that I'm leasing (who live 2 hours away) to take care of the problem or that I need to call a company to do it, get the bill from them, and then send it to the owners of the house I'm leasing and have them take it off the rent. I told him that it seemed like too much trouble to go through when my dad could just cut it up and take care of it - but no, no! That's not the point! It's not my house and the owners need to deal with it and it has to be done his way! I told him that I had no idea why he was making a big deal out of this and that my dad will be cutting the tree and taking care of the problem the next day. Also, if it is a case of answering a math question or something that can be answered with proof (he's an aerospace engineer major), my answer cannot be right as stated. He will ask me a question, I will answer it, and he will say, "Well,...", and either add to what I said to make what I said sound wrong, or say exactly what I said in a different way to make me sound wrong. It makes me feel like an idiot. Even if I tell him that my answer said the same thing, he does not think so. The other day I asked him if he could hand me the two binders by his laptop, and he threw his hands up (he's italian with a semi-New Jersey accent inherited from his dad who grew up there), looked all around his laptop and said,"What binders are you talking about, there are no binders here." I realized that I had mistakenly called the spiral notebooks binders, and pointed and said calmly,"those right there". "Those are SPIRALS." This was at the point that I was completely fed up with being corrected, so I just said,"SPIRALS, ****!" and stormed off. (They were the only things in the general area that resemble something being held together - BOUND - where I was pointing, so I would think it would be safe to assume that that's what I was referring to without being corrected.) I haven't really talked a lot to him since besides giving him his dinner and saying goodnight. I don't know what to say to him. He's great in every way except for the way that he does this and always makes me feel like my decisions or answers are wrong or inadequate. He makes me feel stupid and I know that I am not. How do I approach him about this? I don't think that he will feel that he is doing anything wrong (because he is always right). I know that he thinks that he uses reason and logic to come to his answers and opinions, but there is no way that he can always be right and there is no reason not to take anyone else's opinion or ideas seriously because he thinks he has all the answers. I don't want this relationship to end at all, but I can't keep feeling like crap every time something I say, do, or an opinion that I have is made to seem stupid or illogical. What do I do? Edited March 8, 2010 by LaChatteNoire
carhill Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 1. Definitely notify the landlord. I'm a landlord and such issues are my responsibility and liability, not my tenants. Your dad with a chainsaw in someone else's backyard cutting up a tree limb from my tree? Liability city. Let me handle it. It's my legal responsibility. 2. The second issue is indicative of communication differences. My stbx dealt with that kind of stuff. She often said that I made her 'feel stupid'. The reason for that was our communication styles were incompatible. We weren't hearing each other's intentions properly and in a healthy way. We worked on that in MC. You're not married so I guess have no 'reason' to work on the issues other than if you want your R to work out. If the R is otherwise satisfying and healthy, I think working on communication and acceptance could help you both feel better and grow closer. Is this a guy you'd otherwise consider marrying or living with long-term?
Author LaChatteNoire Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Yes, I've considered marrying him and we are currently living together. I love him so much but I do need for this to stop. What is the best way to deal with the communication issues outside of counseling? I do want us to talk this through, but I don't want to approach him in a way that makes him defensive or makes me seem like I'm whining. I don't really know where to start to even bring up the conversation about this.
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