Wallace1 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Purely platonic. Sounds like he has you around to fight off the loneliness of being in a location where he doesn't know a lot of people. I would back off if I were you. You don't wnat to get your expectations up just to be let down. Sounds like he just wants a friendship from you since most guys are not that shy. I don't believe this for a minute. He's exceptionally shy, and probably likes you a lot, but is afraid of "ruining it" by making a move at the wrong time or whatever. Guys simply don't invite girls over alone for "movie night" with platonic interests. If it were platonic, you'd only get invites to group events periodically.
bananaboat11 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Well, he's abnormally shy Still, us guys don't hang around with girls we're not interested in [unless you have a friend we want]. If you're tired of waiting, really like him and don't think he's emotionally retarded by now, offer him a very non-friendly kiss. I'm pretty sure he'll respond favorably and you two can get over this hump. Does this apply to women too?
Author befreckled Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 Does this apply to women too? Unfortunately not. We are okay with hanging out with a guy who is just a platonic friend. At least I know I am. Doing non date stuff, I guess. That said, it wouldn't make sense for me to just hang out with one person if I didn't hang on to some hope of it turning romantic. things are always more fun in a group setting and that's a better dynamic.
tami-chan Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 leia: what do you mean by race/ethnicity? he is italian (completely different from the stereotype) and i'm asian/european mix He is Italian and he is not touchy/feely? (how's that for stereotyping? )...either he is really, really shy or he is being cautious cuz you are part Asian-maybe he thinks you might "go Asian" on him and do a Bruce Lee number ! Either way, he sounds like a wonderful date!
Author befreckled Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 We work about 10mins walk from each other and, we tried out a restaurant that I had told him about on our first couple dates. He ended up liking it quite a fair bit and he suggested that we ought to meet for lunch more often since we are close by each other. In the last two weeks, the following has happened 1. he asked me to some music gig which I said no to. 2. we went for breakfast over the weekend with his friends who I have come to know as well. 3. he asked me to come by and see him play football, say hi (I run along the beach where he has his football games) - this is the same day as breakfast! 4. i asked him out for a movie i wanted to watch and he said he wasn't into that movie and hence didn't want to watch it. 5.he asked me out for lunch which I said yes to, it's tomorrow. 6. there's a DJ gig I want to go for and he is into the same music so I asked him via email and he has yet to reply. Have I fallen into the friends category? If I didn't like him, why is this driving me around the damn bend? I want to be able to put him in a box and be done with it. He is Italian and he is not touchy/feely? (how's that for stereotyping? )...either he is really, really shy or he is being cautious cuz you are part Asian-maybe he thinks you might "go Asian" on him and do a Bruce Lee number ! Either way, he sounds like a wonderful date! He IS a special one..totally opposite from the stereotype.
JohnM Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 He may be regressing into a deeper friendship mode. If you have feelings for this guy just make a simple move, its pretty slow. Shy guys take a push. If you were friends for too long he may lose his spark of interest. Just get close, kiss him on the cheek if you feel the mood take you. You'll know if its right. Did you say no to the gig in order to establish you aren't always available, if so you may have started games whereby he has started saying no to you too. In the case of you wanting to categorise him, do you really like him. If he were to kiss you and you became intimate the next time you saw him would you be happy with that progression? It sounds like you are fobbing off the possibility of liking him so you dont get hurt by making a move and being rejected. You have your simplistic boxes: Friends In a relationship You can quite easily change the direction of your connection. Its more likely to become easier once you have a choice in your head and have committed to that choice. You'll end up evaluating too much and not letting it flow one way. What has happened since your last post (and date)?
Author befreckled Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 What has happened since your last post (and date)? We met for lunch, when we were ready to part, it almost seemed that he lingered to chat a little with me. We always have fun, once we get talking..we never really run out of things to talk about, he teases me constantly. He asked me if I was going for a mutual friend's beach party which fell on the same day as the DJ gig. I said I wasn't because, I had dinner plans with my family. That evening, he texted me to ask me what my plans were and I said, just dinner and asked him what's up and he said, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do but he'd call me later to check in (to decide if we wanted to do the DJ gig) He did call but I was still at my dinner so I told him that I'd call him when I was home. We ended up not going for the DJ gig cos I wasn't really in the mood and instead we met for a drink. After an hour, we walked for abit before I found my cab and dropped him off because, he lives 5mins from where we were at. When we parted, it almost seemed that he was lingering again, he turned to look at me.. Body language wise, in the cab..he was totally in my space. I was sitting straight facing front and he was leaning in my direction..almost turned to face me. We used say bye and hug and kiss on the cheek but, I realised it was very often me that was moving forward so I stopped doing it..and he didn't really continue so I left it at that. We are set to watch a movie this week, I think. Whenever we meet, there is almost plans to meet again and he is always the one to suggest it. This movie was the same, I wanted to watch a movie and he said there was nothing he wanted to catch then towards the end of the date, he says, you know there's this movie we could watch..and I'm like dude you just said you didn't wanna watch anything. This is really dissecting it and I guess, if I want to be a coward and not do anything..I should just stop analysing it.
JohnM Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 He was in your space in the taxi but you were facing forward? He may have been waiting for you to angle you face towards him so he could kiss you. Pretty much more of the same between you though, you're still in a friendship zone and things will get dull and fizzle soon enough if someone doesn't take action. You think you can/want to make the leap and just kiss him instead?
boogieboy Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 He was in your space in the taxi but you were facing forward? He may have been waiting for you to angle you face towards him so he could kiss you. Pretty much more of the same between you though, you're still in a friendship zone and things will get dull and fizzle soon enough if someone doesn't take action. You think you can/want to make the leap and just kiss him instead? Yep, you sound like youre not giving him any positive body language. You have to face him and flirt and touch him so he knows to make a move. Youre messing up all the clues hes looking for. You gotta do better than that.
Author befreckled Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Yep, you sound like youre not giving him any positive body language. You have to face him and flirt and touch him so he knows to make a move. Youre messing up all the clues hes looking for. You gotta do better than that. So we went for a movie and I tried to give him more positive body signals...I gave him a hug when I saw him, leaned in, touched his back when we spoke..and the signals were still mixed. Positive - He returned the touch quite a fair bit too. We went for a drink - non alcoholic (because, I'm working out and have to keep a clean diet) and he decided to have a coke as well to keep me company. He jokingly called me darling again. He did it once the other day. Negetive/Neutral - It was past his bedtime so he was abit grumpy towards the end of the date. In the cab, he was completely straight. We are going for dinner tomorrow. Will attempt to flirt more tomorrow. Tips anyone? I'm hopeless at this.
boogieboy Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 try planting a wet kiss on him. Youre moving too slow.
Author befreckled Posted April 5, 2010 Author Posted April 5, 2010 (edited) try planting a wet kiss on him. Youre moving too slow. AHAHA. I think it is either in someone's character or it isn't do make a move like that. and it isn't in mine. The update is that, I went over to his place to watch a DVD. The couch was angled kinda of odd so, we both kinda of squeezed into one section of it for the best view. Well, I had the best view and he opted to squeeze next to me. Good start for him to make some semblance of a move, innit? Well, nothing happened. While I agree that he is shy, no one is that shy. You have the girl next to you in the sofa and you do zilch? I encouraged him sorta of by leaning towards him, touching him more often than I usually would. Alot of it still does not make sense, why we spend so much time together exclusively doing stuff. We have such great chemistry, we always have something to talk about, he constantly teases me (isn't that in the guide to knowing how a guy likes you number #1). We make plans to travel together, to learn stuff together, to try out restaurants together. All the things you do as a couple..yet, there is no progress which brings me to this. Right now, I think that he is either emotionally stunted or just not into me romantically. It is/was driving me batty trying to make sense of every single detail and seeing how I can reciprocate. And I find it hard to believe that ANYONE can be that shy. Right now, I'll just concentrate on dating other people and just treat him as a platonic friend. Edited April 5, 2010 by befreckled
JohnM Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Trust me, people can be THAT shy. It sounds as if you aren't bothered enough about wanting more than a platonic relationship with this guy. You say you're not the type to make a move, I didn't think I was, but I am now. You talk about him being that shy and you can't believe that he won't kiss you? Erm, you seem to be unable to do EXACTLY the same thing do you not? Think about that. You seem to be switching off to the possibility anyway so why not clear the air? Why not. Ask him straight out if he likes you or wants more since you are unwilling to try kissing him. Either way it goes you'll know for sure and won't have an awkward platonic or more friend situation going on.
Author befreckled Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 Trust me, people can be THAT shy. It sounds as if you aren't bothered enough about wanting more than a platonic relationship with this guy. You say you're not the type to make a move, I didn't think I was, but I am now. You talk about him being that shy and you can't believe that he won't kiss you? Erm, you seem to be unable to do EXACTLY the same thing do you not? Think about that. You seem to be switching off to the possibility anyway so why not clear the air? Why not. Ask him straight out if he likes you or wants more since you are unwilling to try kissing him. Either way it goes you'll know for sure and won't have an awkward platonic or more friend situation going on. I'm not sure "aren't bothered enough" is a good description of my cowardly ways. I am at a point where my friends are getting married, having kids and there just aren't enough friends that want to hang out on a Friday night and this guy is such a friend. I am not sure I want to lose him as a friend if we are unsure. We do movies, dinner, the club on occasion, brunch, some sports etc..There's a good possibility that he sees me as just a friend - he hangs out exclusively with at least another girl that I also know..he spends way more time with me and sees her maybe once 1-2 weeks but he does treat this girl as a friend (they have travelled together etc, and this girl likes him..I'm not sure if he knows it..but he knows that she dislikes me) If I decide to kiss him and the interest is not mutual, I'll have to accept that it'd take a hit on our friendship. if I speak to him, he might leave thinking that he sent me the wrong message when he has been nothing but a gentleman and maybe I'm just abit nutty for thinking that he likes me.
vesper16 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 (edited) Might be able to shed some light as I'm in a similar situation, except I'm the guy! I've been out with a girl a couple of times and both dates went pretty well, I got good vibes and felt she was giving me enough signs of interest, but I think I'm still shy - I've always been very self-conscious, especially when it comes to physical contact... the first time, we were sitting next to each other, quite close, shoulders almost touching as in the OP, but I seriously did not know whether I should break the physical contact barrier by putting an arm around her or moving closer... it's a bit of a sticking point. On the second date we were sitting next to each other again, I got the sense that she was maybe inviting me to make a move (playing with her hair, body language was fairly open, she smiled when we made eye contact) but I kind of froze... I played with her hair a little but felt a bit awkward. When we went home I kind of just gave her a quick hug and walked away. I enjoyed spending time with her and I think she sensed I was shy because she tried to reassure me a couple of times that she was having a good time when I looked a bit nervous, but did I miss a window? I'm curious to know what people think - because it's a sticking point that's been holding me back a bit with girls in the past, and if I can just break through it I might gain some confidence from it. I was planning to ask her out again - do girls just assume a guy isn't interested if we have a window to make a move but don't take it? Or are there any ways to break the physical contact barrier gently, as it were? Edited April 11, 2010 by vesper16
Rorschach Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 *reads back log* At this point there is really only 2 options, he's gay, or he's into you in a romantic way and just trying to build up his nerve. I have friends like this, that hang around and talk to girls they like alot but never make the move, heck he could be on some forum now asking about 'mixed signals' and 'how to make the first move'. From the sounds of it you have been doing a good job with the flirting, any form of touching, especially hugs, is a giant flashing neon sign for a guy that says it's okay to move forward, as he hasn't 'got' it yet it just means he's a pretty dense guy (I'm the same way). There are really two good options from this point, continue on like you are, giving him the subtle hints that it's okay if you two took it further, or metaphorically smack him upside the head with it. If you really want him to make the first move but don't want him to take forever you're going to have to do something that isn't too forward but can't be taken as any type of mixed signal. Of course, I have no good ideas for that since everything I'm thinking up in my head does sound awful forward, but I think you have to really make the decision whether YOU want it to get more serious or not, because trust me, he wants it to get more serious and just doesn't know how.
Author befreckled Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 Might be able to shed some light as I'm in a similar situation, except I'm the guy! I've been out with a girl a couple of times and both dates went pretty well, I got good vibes and felt she was giving me enough signs of interest, but I think I'm still shy - I've always been very self-conscious, especially when it comes to physical contact... the first time, we were sitting next to each other, quite close, shoulders almost touching as in the OP, but I seriously did not know whether I should break the physical contact barrier by putting an arm around her or moving closer... it's a bit of a sticking point. On the second date we were sitting next to each other again, I got the sense that she was maybe inviting me to make a move (playing with her hair, body language was fairly open, she smiled when we made eye contact) but I kind of froze... I played with her hair a little but felt a bit awkward. When we went home I kind of just gave her a quick hug and walked away. I enjoyed spending time with her and I think she sensed I was shy because she tried to reassure me a couple of times that she was having a good time when I looked a bit nervous, but did I miss a window? I'm curious to know what people think - because it's a sticking point that's been holding me back a bit with girls in the past, and if I can just break through it I might gain some confidence from it. I was planning to ask her out again - do girls just assume a guy isn't interested if we have a window to make a move but don't take it? Or are there any ways to break the physical contact barrier gently, as it were? The presumption is that there's a difference in the time factor. I've known this guy for a good part of three months and we go out a couple times a week. I started counting our dates but lost count after the first month. I generally give a window of 3 months maximum. if a guy doesn't ask me out consistently with varying activities, I'd write him off as disinterest though I'd still go if the activity was interesting ( a hike I want to do, a movie I'd like to watch) Of what you've told me so far, it seems like she's interested. Girls don't really go out with guys unless they are interested, that much we have in common. My tip would be to keep your touches longer - touch her on her lower back to lead her into the restaurant, tease her with jokes and perhaps find an excuse to touch her...notice if she touches you back. Your window definitely is still open. Good luck!
Author befreckled Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 I'll begin with the first - he is not gay. He was hit on recently by a guy in his condo steam room and told me about it. We talk about girls so he is definitely straight. Three months is a long time to build up nerve, that's all I'm saying At this point, I flirt back if I sense he is flirting e.g when he calls me darling and laughs about it, I call him honey in return. I've been to his place x 3 times and nothing has happened. That's the best possible chance a guy can have and zilch. And hence it made me wonder. Right now, I want to stop thinking about it and just enjoy it. I am cowardly, I don't want to lose a friend over some grey area and ultimately, I don't think it's a good pattern to keep if a girl keeps taking the lead. Do I really want to date someone who can't even gather up the chutzpah and kiss me?
phineas Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Have you even tried to hold his hand? Have you ever described yourself as his friend or said he was a good friend ever? In the past, if a woman i'm hanging out with calls me a friend, ever, I assume that is all she wants to be & don't make a move.
runner Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Do I really want to date someone who can't even gather up the chutzpah and kiss me? nope. and as the police on tv frequently say: move on, nothing to see here it's his loss; or not really his loss if he really wasn't that into you to begin with. 3 months is a ridiculous amount of time. i understand if this guy has some romance, or sexual, hangups, but regardless of how attractive he might be to you, its not your responsibility to fix him or spend too much of your time waiting for him to make a move; lots of other guys out there willing to take you out
Author befreckled Posted April 17, 2010 Author Posted April 17, 2010 just got back from our fancy dinner date. i thought i was done but apparently i'm not. i really like the guy. he makes me laugh, we are interested in similar things not exactly the same - for e.g: we both want to get a better physique but, we go after it in differing ways - he likes the gym, i want to explore muay thai. i decided to go the dutch courage route - i drank a fair bit and flirted alot more. we go to a point where i was teasing him..i can't even remember about what and i was pressed up against him..and his breath kinda quickened and he didn't exactly stop me from pressing up against him. each time i did, he sorta of slowed down what we were talking about. in the cab, it was just him and me and he was full on lying down in my lap. we both had a fair bit to drink. before that he wanted to rub my feet, what i don't get it is, if you like a girl enough to be in her lap..why wouldn't you want to just kiss her? ARGH. We said bye with cheek kisses and it felt so close.I wanted to just forget it and kiss him..but i couldn't. We are due to travel together soon. Our first trip together. I really don't know what's going on, what the hell I'm doing..Does he like me? Why would he lean himself in my lap if he wasn't. Again, ARGH.
JohnM Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 Leaning on someones lap is alot less frightening than kissing them on the lips. Its more of a comforting action and a sign of easiness. At least he is willing to get close and massage your feet, its a start perhaps? You can quite easily change cheek kisses into lip kisses, just a few degrees of rotation, brush his cheek with your hand? Meh, just go for it, if he pulls away then you know its just a friendship thing. Either that or hes a bit rubbish and if thats the case then its his mistake of courage and his move then if he wants to salvage anything more than just a platonic relationship with you.
Author befreckled Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 (edited) Leaning on someones lap is alot less frightening than kissing them on the lips. Its more of a comforting action and a sign of easiness. At least he is willing to get close and massage your feet, its a start perhaps? You can quite easily change cheek kisses into lip kisses, just a few degrees of rotation, brush his cheek with your hand? Meh, just go for it, if he pulls away then you know its just a friendship thing. Either that or hes a bit rubbish and if thats the case then its his mistake of courage and his move then if he wants to salvage anything more than just a platonic relationship with you. Good news: Deep down, I wanted an answer and I got one. Bad News: I got my answer. We were at a club with a couple friends and we had been drinking a fair bit...and he literally picked up two girls standing next to me. I overhead him asking them to a a club on Friday next week or something. So much for being shy. It REALLY REALLY REALLY hurts because, I'm been in this for the last three months wondering what I can do to encourage him. Turns out, it's all BS. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow when the alcohol wears off. Right now, it feels like someone just stabbed me and I feel so utterly stupid. Edited April 24, 2010 by befreckled
JohnM Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Bah, oh well. Suppose this is why it would have been better to get a clear cut on the situation earlier on. You became too invested in something you had no clear knowledge on. Oh well, you can move on now and at least you know where you stand and don't have to have your mind occupied with it.
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