loveandrockets Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 while it's not out in the open in our marriage, my wife and I are basically staying together for our son, how does one cope in this situation or is this simply not sustainable?
Fouts Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 It's sustainable if you both want it. It should be easy to do what's best for your child. In my opinion people should put their personal lives second and keep their family together. There's cases where it just won't work, but breaking apart your family should be the last option.
flc Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I really think that this is a mistake. I think the longer term issues kids have when being raised in a disfunctional relationship outweigh the short term trauma of a seperation. The key is to never loose focus that even in divorce your number one priority is the kids.
carhill Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I really think that this is a mistake. I think the longer term issues kids have when being raised in a disfunctional relationship outweigh the short term trauma of a seperation.Having seen the fallout in adult children of long-term 'for the kids' M's, I have to agree, but it's only a small sample of the world so I accept that there are infinite outcomes possible. Also, I would strongly suggest to the OP, if there is any infidelity involved now or in the past, to be exceedingly thoughtful in making a decision to stay together for the kids. I'd suggest getting some professional help with that, for sure.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 It's sustainable if you both want it. It should be easy to do what's best for your child. What's best for your child rarely includes daily exposure to the anger, resentment and tension that's part of a dysfunctional marriage. Even young children are smarter and more observant than we give them credit for. Better two separate and happy parents than one loveless marriage... Mr. Lucky
ladydesigner Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 It's sustainable if you both want it. It should be easy to do what's best for your child. In my opinion people should put their personal lives second and keep their family together. There's cases where it just won't work, but breaking apart your family should be the last option. I feel I am sometimes staying for the kids and I believe it is beneficial to them. My H and I currently are getting along, we laugh, there are no arguments no animosity. Our marriage is 50/50 loveless, it is not the most passionate marriage, but we are conveniently married and I do love my H for the most part. We are companions and our kids love their mom and dad together.
giotto Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 (edited) while it's not out in the open in our marriage, my wife and I are basically staying together for our son, how does one cope in this situation or is this simply not sustainable? Depends on how long you'll have to stay together and how old both of you are... I'm trying to fix my relationship, but at some point I would say I was staying for the children. I'm still undecided if I really want to stay. My youngest is 9, so it would be about another 10 years for me... but I'm fast approaching my fifties... As ladydesigner said, it also boils down to the type of relationship you have with your wife... Edited March 9, 2010 by giotto
fooled once Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 while it's not out in the open in our marriage, my wife and I are basically staying together for our son, how does one cope in this situation or is this simply not sustainable? Personally, I wouldn't do it. I didn't do it. There was no way I wanted my son to grow up thinking what his father and I had were a marriage. It isn't healthy for the child, they don't see a "true" marriage, they don't see love, they don't see the connection between a man and a woman.
kevinconner Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 If you really work at this issue, boundries will come down that allow both of you to get what you need at life. I would suggest thinking about a trial separation for the summer. I have three examples of sound marriages from friends of the family where this was done, fast forward 20 years and they are still married. Here is what I'm doing since I am in the same boat: - I sleep in a seperate bedroom from time to time. Because I want to - Nights out with the guys have no time limit. Once or twice I've stayed out all night - Wife, over time, has seen that I want independance, and while initially not liking it at first, if the choice were to divorce or explore this option, its a chance worth taking - Read up on divorce and see how expensive it is. Do you have enough cash flow for another apartment? Another car? Could you still afford to live in your house and provide the lifestyle as it currently stands for your children? Any challenge in any of this is worth exhausting every option in the book before you pull the plug. 9 out of ten times, the grass is not greener on the other side. Someone, or both of you, need to wake up to this idea and really see how bad it really can be on your own. At the very least, do not sit on the idea. Find a solution, even a tiny one, that gives an experience to either of you that creates happiness in the marriage. Wrap that happiness up, but a bow on it, and bring it home to your family.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 (edited) In my humble opinion, "Staying together for the kids" is a copout for a weak individual(or individuals) who is unwilling to do all of the hard work to make a marriage work... If in your professional/career/work life your job was still there and you had the same income, but it was getting tougher, and it seemed as if it could end anytime would you simply just continue working the exact same way and not change a thing? Wouldn’t it be time to make changes, or improvements, or starting a search for an alternate job or source of income? Why would your marriage be any different? So, to the OP, are you going to allow you marriage to continue deteriorating? Don't think that is status quo or even simply stagnant... time to make some choice(s) - be prepared to live with your decision(s) Edited March 9, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me
Author loveandrockets Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 thanks everyone for the replies so far sounds like a mix, not so much what you do, but how you do it
giotto Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 In my humble opinion, "Staying together for the kids" is a copout for a weak individual(or individuals) who is unwilling to do all of the hard work to make a marriage work... If in your professional/career/work life your job was still there and you had the same income, but it was getting tougher, and it seemed as if it could end anytime would you simply just continue working the exact same way and not change a thing? Wouldn’t it be time to make changes, or improvements, or starting a search for an alternate job or source of income? Why would your marriage be any different? So, to the OP, are you going to allow you marriage to continue deteriorating? Don't think that is status quo or even simply stagnant... time to make some choice(s) - be prepared to live with your decision(s) never thought about comparing marriage with work... although it's bloody hard work!
seibert253 Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 A guy who I work with is "trapped" in the whole staying married for the kids nightmare. He and his wife are both miserable. His son is a good friend of my son. Really good kid, loves to come to my home, spends the night frequently, he's like a son to my wife and I. One day he and my son were talking, these are 7 year olds mind you, and my son asks him why he wants to always come over to our home. His responce; "your mom and dad love each other, mine don't" Shame, 7 year olds get it, adults don't.
giotto Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 A guy who I work with is "trapped" in the whole staying married for the kids nightmare. He and his wife are both miserable. His son is a good friend of my son. Really good kid, loves to come to my home, spends the night frequently, he's like a son to my wife and I. One day he and my son were talking, these are 7 year olds mind you, and my son asks him why he wants to always come over to our home. His responce; "your mom and dad love each other, mine don't" Shame, 7 year olds get it, adults don't. yes, but I was talking about reasonable people who actually are aware of the dynamics of "staying together for the kids" and are not miserable, care for each other and actually give a sh*t to a certain extent...
carhill Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I think it's possible if the parents have emotionally disconnected (reduced/eliminated 'expectations') and have established a good business partnership for the family, adjunct to leading separate fulfilling lives and parenting together under the same roof. I think there are people who do this and who can do this. I have not yet personally met them but believe they exist. Anything that can help rear more healthy generations of children is a positive in my book
Mr. Lucky Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Shame, 7 year olds get it, adults don't. I agree 100%. And when people say "but we never argue in front of the kids", they're forgetting that the absence of acrimony isn't the same as the presence of love... Mr. Lucky
Els Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 My bf's parents did this, and frankly I wish they hadn't. He could see how his mother went off at his dad, see how miserable and depressed his dad was all the time, and yet how he forced himself to stick with it through the misery. Not only that, but his dad, scarred by his own 20+ years of misery, is cautioning his son overly much against marriage and even relationships in general. 'Don't even have a girlfriend til you've reached the pinnacle of your career, seen the world, and done all you want to do,' his dad would tell him. Whereas, if his parents had simply separated, and his dad had found a woman with which he could show his son what true love and a good marriage was, and also showed his son that a bad marriage isn't the end of life - you can get out of it if you wish... I think much of the emotional baggage could've been avoided.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 Also a cop out for those to afraid to make the tough decision to leave... Agreed... but only after making a strong, concerted effort attempt to work through the issues
giotto Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I feel compelled to say this... if you don't have children, you can say what you like, but you will never know what people go through over this... so, yes, you are entitled to your opinion, of course, but don't pretend you know what's it like, because you don't...
Luv2dance Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I feel compelled to say this... if you don't have children, you can say what you like, but you will never know what people go through over this... so, yes, you are entitled to your opinion, of course, but don't pretend you know what's it like, because you don't... Very well said! I do certainly think there are situations where children are better off with divorced parents than they are in an abusive or very unhappy home. But, for most parents it is a very hard thing to imagine tearing your child's world apart for the sake of your own happiness. I agree that it is all about how the situation is handled either w/in the marriage or as divorced parents. I also know someone who's parents "stayed together for the kids" and then when the 3 children were in college they split. She says it made them feel guilty that their parents stayed in a loveless marriage just for them. So, maybe your d@mned if you do d@mned if you dont??
ladydesigner Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 (edited) Very well said! I do certainly think there are situations where children are better off with divorced parents than they are in an abusive or very unhappy home. But, for most parents it is a very hard thing to imagine tearing your child's world apart for the sake of your own happiness. I agree that it is all about how the situation is handled either w/in the marriage or as divorced parents. I also know someone who's parents "stayed together for the kids" and then when the 3 children were in college they split. She says it made them feel guilty that their parents stayed in a loveless marriage just for them. So, maybe your d@mned if you do d@mned if you dont??This is EXACTLY how I feel. My kids love their dad so much. They love to see their mom and dad interact together. I may not be the happiest I can be, but I am happy to an extent. Is my marriage loveless, somewhat. I don't think it is loveless enough to D and break up the family. Who knows what the future holds. I do know one thing though, if my H commits infidelity again I will file for D. I am in the position I am in because of his infidelity and some other poor choices he has made in life. Edited March 11, 2010 by ladydesigner
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 I can tell you that both me and my wife agree wholeheartedly that we do not want to be together forever if end up like either of our parents. Her parents have been together for over 40 years, my parents almost 40 years, but neither couple is where we want to end up. There is too much lack of respect, too much bitterness and unhappiness, etc. Too much to explain in this thread, but I think I am getting the idea across... It's really a tough job to maintain respect, love, caring, basic togetherness, desire, etc, etc, etc and stay together 'forever.' Seventeen years together I know for sure that I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep it together with the woman I chose. I only hope that she will feel the same way I do too. And sure part of it is because of our 5 wonderful kids... But quite frankly if we cannot maintain a loving household, and cannot work through our issues, I would rather end up divorced and parenting individually, than "staying together for the kids."
Author loveandrockets Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 interesting, my son is also 7 as some of the posters have mentioned in their examples he is well aware of what's going on
wien7777 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 while it's not out in the open in our marriage, my wife and I are basically staying together for our son, how does one cope in this situation or is this simply not sustainable? It's not. Don't do it- no rational person can stress that enough. It won't make you happy and you would be doing the exact opposite of what you're trying to accomplish for your son.
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