sativo Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Without going into too much detail... she broke up with me, dated some other douche for a while, I started dating too and using NC. Tonight, she IMs me out of the blue. Here's how it went down. What do you guys think? Did I give in to her BS? I hope not. Her (1:15:27 AM): hello... please do not ignore me Her (1:15:31 AM): i mean no harm Her (1:15:34 AM): i come w peace Me (1:15:46 AM): with a peace of what? lol Her (1:16:01 AM): yumm delicious romo (she's romanian) Her (1:16:02 AM): anyway Her (1:16:08 AM): can i take u out 2 lunch Me (1:16:28 AM): Umm.. not sure when I have time. Why, what's up? Her (1:16:47 AM): id like 2 talk 2 u Her (1:16:53 AM): whenever u have time. Me (1:17:07 AM): I have mid terms next week Me (1:17:10 AM): so not sure Me (1:17:26 AM): is it something quick? Me (1:17:28 AM): we can talk now Her (1:18:02 AM): this is what i want 2 talk about (she shows me a photo of us kissing) Me (1:18:11 AM): what about that? Her (1:18:20 AM): its beautful 2 start w Me (1:18:40 AM): it was.. Her (1:18:47 AM): still is in my eye Me (1:18:52 AM): but it's over now. Her (1:19:01 AM): u make it beautiful. i make it nice Her (1:19:08 AM): yeah... the pic is not over tho Her (1:19:15 AM): im talking about the picture Me (1:19:16 AM): ok Her (1:19:31 AM): i would like 2 take u out 2 talk Me (1:19:43 AM): I dunno <her name>.. what about? Me (1:19:52 AM): I mean.. if you wana talk about us, there's nothing to say Me (1:19:54 AM): sorry. Her (1:20:05 AM): not about us Her (1:20:09 AM): about you Her (1:20:12 AM): about me Me (1:20:18 AM): :-\ Her (1:20:27 AM): about a family at some point Me (1:20:32 AM): don't be weird Me (1:20:46 AM): don't be a weird-o :-P Her (1:20:57 AM): ahahaha that was so much better Her (1:21:01 AM): Her (1:21:05 AM): NOT Her (1:21:15 AM): listen bitters Her (1:21:26 AM): id like 2 meet up n talk our lives away Her (1:21:30 AM): only take 5 min Me (1:22:34 AM): I'm just not sure when I'll have time.. next week is gonna be busy. Maybe the week after. Her (1:22:46 AM): busy 4 5 min? Her (1:22:50 AM): alright Her (1:22:53 AM): u know best Me (1:22:56 AM): I mean, if you're looking for closure... just call me.. and say what you need to say. Her (1:22:58 AM): maybe some other time Her (1:23:34 AM): im not interested in closure anymore. ive had my share. no closure whatsoever Me (1:24:15 AM): :-) Her (1:24:55 AM): oki Her (1:25:03 AM): maybe 2morrow Me (1:25:13 AM): nite Her (1:25:24 AM): 2morrow nite Me (1:25:34 AM): right.. I got ya. have a good nite. Her (1:25:46 AM): what? Me (1:25:52 AM): huh? Her (1:25:56 AM): im lost Me (1:26:13 AM): you said maybe tomorrow you'll try to call or something? Her (1:26:28 AM): yeah if u cant stop by 2nite Me (1:26:44 AM): I can't, sorry. Her (1:26:54 AM): i figured Her (1:27:07 AM): ill wait Me (1:27:19 AM): for what? Her (1:27:23 AM): for u Me (1:27:37 AM): for me? <her name>.. what are you talking about? Her (1:30:21 AM): comp crasged Her (1:30:25 AM): crashed Her (1:30:33 AM): its raining Her (1:30:48 AM): do u think its related? jk Me (1:30:48 AM): np Me (1:31:05 AM): dunno :-P\ Her (1:31:10 AM): so u dont wanna hear what i have 2 say Me (1:31:24 AM): umm.. Me (1:31:30 AM): you tell me.. Her (1:31:32 AM): ill leave u alone for another 3 mos... m Me (1:31:41 AM): lol Her (1:31:45 AM): maybe ull gain some interest then Me (1:32:01 AM): me gain some interest? Me (1:32:08 AM): cute Her (1:32:22 AM): ur cute Me (1:32:43 AM): <) Her (1:33:09 AM): well... this is prob gonna take us 2 lala land in my clean bedroom Her (1:33:14 AM): i got new sheets Her (1:33:15 AM): white Her (1:33:18 AM): sooooooft Her (1:33:21 AM): Me (1:33:30 AM): kewl Her (1:33:46 AM): u write like ur a sphmore in college Her (1:33:48 AM): wtf Me (1:33:53 AM): i'm a junior Me (1:33:55 AM): or sr Me (1:33:57 AM): not sure Her (1:34:22 AM): oki doki Her (1:34:29 AM): maybe u dont wanna talk 2 mw Her (1:34:33 AM): me Her (1:34:34 AM): Me (1:34:41 AM): I'm studying... Her (1:34:45 AM): oh Me (1:34:50 AM): but it was nice hearing from you Me (1:34:53 AM): hope all is well Her (1:35:04 AM): alright. i def understand studying Her (1:35:28 AM): if u ever get wasted in old town n of course u have no ride, theres my bed u can crash into Me (1:35:28 AM): Plus, there's no point in talking Me (1:35:36 AM): stop <her name> Her (1:35:46 AM): r u single Me (1:36:02 AM): It's none of your biz Her (1:36:05 AM): honestly Her (1:36:23 AM): not trying2 attack u Her (1:36:25 AM): hear me out Her (1:36:34 AM): if u r not comitted Her (1:36:41 AM): id like 2 take u out 4 lunch Her (1:36:46 AM): my treat Her (1:36:56 AM): ur spot Me (1:37:39 AM): I don't know why you're doing this. Her (1:38:04 AM): cuz i would like 2 have u back 2 friendship Her (1:38:07 AM): n maybe more Her (1:38:20 AM): wout insults Her (1:38:34 AM): wout hurt feeligs Me (1:38:40 AM): I'm not trying to be mean, or rude... but I'm sorry... Me (1:38:50 AM): I'm not feeling it anymore Me (1:38:52 AM): :-( Her (1:39:08 AM): not feeling like having lunch w me anymore? Her (1:39:19 AM): the girl at MCC who u couldnt wait 2 hang out w? Her (1:39:28 AM): ur girlf friend? Her (1:39:39 AM): feeling what? Me (1:39:41 AM): that was many moons ago Me (1:39:49 AM): a lot is different now Her (1:39:50 AM): how about feeling a lunch w a friend Her (1:40:05 AM): what is so different Her (1:40:10 AM): unless u fell in love Her (1:40:16 AM): nothing is different in my eye Me (1:40:39 AM): Are you drunk? Her (1:40:43 AM): no Me (1:41:21 AM): You've forgotten everything that happened. Her (1:41:27 AM): no Me (1:41:27 AM): I'm sorry, but I haven't. Me (1:41:38 AM): I'm not mad anymore. Her (1:41:42 AM): i remember u w that chick Her (1:41:50 AM): u felt at a comfy level in ur life Her (1:41:54 AM): same as me in a way Her (1:42:06 AM): im not either 4 blowing me off Me (1:42:43 AM): lol Me (1:42:43 AM): k Her (1:42:54 AM): so anyway Her (1:43:13 AM): would u please, <my name>, hace lunch w ur old friend <her name>? Her (1:43:54 AM): let me help u Me (1:44:00 AM): No. But it's not why you think. Me (1:44:14 AM): It's 'cause I think it's time we both moved on. Me (1:44:17 AM): We can do this. Me (1:44:21 AM): You can do this. Her (1:44:26 AM): if i feel like u should say yes and it makes u happy... cool Her (1:44:54 AM): but if u feel like exactly what u just wrote, then thats cool too. not as much cool, but cool Her (1:45:02 AM): i know i can do this Her (1:45:15 AM): i wanted 2 do it wout losing a friend Me (1:45:23 AM): :-) Me (1:45:35 AM): You'll be k Me (1:45:43 AM): You'll find another friend. Her (1:45:48 AM): well Her (1:46:00 AM): maybe i dont any more friends Her (1:46:03 AM): i have some Her (1:46:16 AM): n i want a friend/partner in friendship Her (1:46:25 AM): a friendship i call life Me (1:46:37 AM): You'll find it <her name>... believe me. Me (1:46:40 AM): It's just not me. Her (1:46:58 AM): i need a partner in friendship. a friendship we know as life Her (1:47:17 AM): i was trying 2 discuss as an adult Her (1:47:48 AM): dont think u exactly understood where i was coming from Me (1:48:01 AM): Yeah, I'm confused, sorry. Me (1:48:07 AM): What are you saying? Her (1:48:19 AM): im saying i just wanted 2 grab lunch Her (1:48:24 AM): u r in my head every day Her (1:48:27 AM): this is a sign Her (1:48:34 AM): b 2gether or b friends Her (1:48:39 AM): we need 2 b connected Her (1:49:07 AM): n if u dont want anything 2 odo w relationship, or i Her (1:49:13 AM): we can just stay friends Me (1:49:42 AM): right.. I'm sorry, the feeling just isn't mutual :-\ Her (1:50:54 AM): well ill keep my opinion. u havent understood. Her (1:51:10 AM): im sorry 2 have wasted ur time Her (1:51:13 AM): good nite Me (1:51:31 AM): take care Me (1:51:58 AM): You ok? Her (1:52:28 AM): im not sure... i think i am finally getting a bit of hope. i keep trying Her (1:52:31 AM): thx Me (1:52:45 AM): :-) Me (1:53:03 AM): This too shall pass... and you will have a brighter future. Her (1:54:03 AM): its getting there. i just wanted 2 talk 2 u if ur not commited Me (1:54:17 AM): I'm not comitted.. Me (1:54:25 AM): but it's not relevant Her (1:54:40 AM): cuz ur feeling for me r not there Her (1:54:42 AM): i get it Me (1:54:45 AM): right Her (1:54:53 AM): 4 the sake of the girl ur w im asking Me (1:54:58 AM): no point in talking.. it'll just confuse you. Her (1:55:14 AM): and im not expecting ur feeling 2 b there just because mine r still there Her (1:55:27 AM): make sense Her (1:55:29 AM): nite Me (1:55:33 AM): k.. nite
Author sativo Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 (edited) Well, I think about her all the time. Part of me REALLY wants her back, but part of me thinks our relationship is and always has been doomed. She's a nut job. But... If there ever was a chance for us to get back together, I'd need her to seek forgiveness. I'd need her to seek therapy. I'd need her to appreciate me. That's a tall order, so I'm not holding my breath. Well.. actually, I'm sort of holding my breath. That's the sad part :-( Does that answer your question? Clear as mud right? Edited March 8, 2010 by sativo
SeriousMan Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 How much time passed in NC, how long ago you two boroke up? Seems like her new bf was a short lived disaster and now she remembers good times that you had. If you really want her, and if enough time has passed in NC and you are ok and cool with yourself now, you could give it a chance for that meeting with her. But be very careful, be casual, don't go into old stuff talk and old emotions, just listen to her, what she really want to tell you. Watch her body language, trust your guts, you know her better. Then leave and decide what you want. See if she's really sincere. If you're ok now you have nothing to loose. Right? Keep the meeting casual, listen to her, do not talk much, the end the meeting before it's ended, and be nice and polite. It's very easy for her to tell you this stuff over chat. Make a reality check. And then we'll discuss again when we have the facts That's what I would do if I were you. It's up to you, you know better what you really want.
Author sativo Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 I'm not sure I'm ready to meet her. a) I still get upset / worked up when there is contact (enough so to post something here) and b) I didn't get the impression she was very apologetic. We originally broke up in Oct. She started dating this guy and was really smug with me about it. The whole thing took me by surprise. It's like, one day we were talking about marriage and family... the next, she's dating some other guy -- looking at me with a straight face like "yep, so what?". Anyway, I was doing NC on and off with her since that time, but each time I let her in, she flakes out and shows me she's just a different person than the girl I once knew. I'm feeling like her contacting me now was just making sure I didn't float too far away, in case she wants me back. My question to you guys is, did I let on that I'm still vulnerable and that I'm still her punching bag?
SeriousMan Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 If you're still vulnerable keep NC and do not meet her. You'll be nervous when you meet her and she'll notice this. Nothing good will come out if you're a not 100% self confident and cool looking on this first meeting. And you'll feel awful after that, which is not a good thing for you as you're not over her completely. Hope this helps!
Rearden Metal Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I think you did fine in that regard. Seemed like you gave her the opportunity to apologize and didn't hear it. And good on you for not asking for the apology. Needs to come from her. I think NC is probably the best way, still. I now know you have feelings for her, but you seem very well adjusted about the situation and have a good read on her. Stick to your guns, brutha.
Drummergirl_23 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Tough call. It seems like she's trying to feel you out a little. She mentions old feelings but then when you shut her down she is like, "Oh, I just mean I want my friend back". I think if you are still upset over past issues, there's too much baggage. Let her go. She seems a little....unstable. You, on the other hand, did a GREAT job with how you responded to her. Bravo!
Author sativo Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Thanks. I think the reason why I was being so nice was because her brother died recently. Actually, that complicated things. I was doing NC for a while, then she contacted me in late Jan (using her friends IM). Anyway, she tried to get me to talk to her. I was kind of friendly, but also kept her at arms length. After a week of this, she asks to stop by one night. She wanted some ambien (sleeping pills) 'cause she was having a hard time sleeping. I finally agreed. When she stopped by, she was in tears. I thought it was about us. She left after I gave her the pills... and then she txt msg me telling me her brother was killed. That was a messed up situation. I obviously dropped NC and ran to her.. which screwed me up for a couple weeks. Long story long... she's got issues. I guess I do too, since I'm still f'n with her. Ugh! I hate this sh*t!
threebyfate Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 That was some strange convo. Here are my problems with it: She's pushy as hell.Lacks empathy.Lacks depth.Lacks remorse. Move on or she's going to trap you again.
Author sativo Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 The worst part about it is that shes coy. As soon as she gets what she wants (i.e. attention, acknowledgement, etc.) she's back to blowing me off. It's like I could feel that insincere energy from her anytime there is contact. It's all about her -- I'm just a tool she uses to get her fix. Once she has it, she goes back about her business. What a rotten piece of sh*t! oops, guess I am still angry :-P
Drummergirl_23 Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 It's like I could feel that insincere energy from her anytime there is contact. Exactly! She seemed kind of smug and insincere. Not like she was really trying to talk about working things out, only to make you confess your undying love for her so she can get her ego boosted and then she's out again. oops, guess I am still angry :-P This is my point. You don't need to be with someone if you still resent them for things they've done in the past, especially hooking up with someone else. Even if she was sincere and apologetic (which I'm sorry to say, it doesn't seem that she genuinely is), if you are still angry with her you will be carrying over the same baggage and problems you had previously only worse. I don't mean to speak badly of her, but she seems very selfish and almost like she just wants a booty call or something. Bottom line, run!
threebyfate Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Yes, "insincere energy" is a great way to describe it and I don't even know this girl from a hole in the ground, just picked this up through reading your IM convo. She's quite manipulative, in the following ways: Uses a pic of the two of you together, to pull at your heart strings.Uses sex, by talking about her new bed sheets.Uses friendship, when emotional appeal and sex fail.
Author sativo Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Yeah, her being immature and selfish like that is why we had our problems throughout the relationship. Oh well, day by day I guess. I'm sure it will pass eventually. Thanks for the feedback and support!
Tinkerbelll Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I read all the conversation. I always think the same, that it would need a lot more than some meaningless words to build again trust and confidence. Which are the facts? That she dumped you for somebody else.
Author sativo Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 I don't think she dumped me for somebody else. I think she dumped me because she's a selfish, immature, brat that no man can ever make happy. I mean, to be fair, she's got a lot of psychological issues. But at some point, I need to stop babying her about that and chalk it up to her being a selfish brat! Anyway, she dumped me, but because she's so co-dependent, she filled the empty void with the first guy that came along. I guess my issue is that I fall for these chicks who have problems. I guess I like taking on projects :-P
OOReeee Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I definitely feel you on that one, My last few relationships were with girls who I wouldn't consider fully stable and for some reason them having problems got me more interested and I stepped up with trying to be the person who would mend them. The last break up that I am currently trying getting over was the first time I was dumped because of her problem and not me breaking up because of issues that she had. It's a terrible tendency and dating choice but you just can't help it, and it is kind of digging your own "relationship grave" because those relationships are bound to fail due to difference maturity levels or even worse- sanity levels. It's just upsetting that it's those girls who hold the deepest affect on us.
Drummergirl_23 Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Don't talk to her!!! I know its easy for me to say and I know you can say the same for my situation but she genuinely seems a little.... off. Not like she's being sincere. The sheets part was weird and what can she possibly talk to you about in "5 minutes" that is too important for her to just say via IM??
Author sativo Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Yep, totally. I'm still struggling with whether or not I should reply to her emails or IMs, and just let her know I've moved on... or if I should just completely ignore her.
Drummergirl_23 Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I don't know about her emails but at the end of the day this IM conversation amounts to silly jiberish. I mean nothing makes sense, she's not speaking coherently. I would ignore her. If she starts REALLY talking...in a serious way, at that point its gonna be up to you to decide what you want. But if you're already a couple months into the break up and THAT is the way she wants to conversate with you...I dunno. Again, I know its easy for me to say but walk away.
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