yume Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 (edited) Okay. So last year about April I broke up with my long-distance boyfriend of two years. Fine. I wasn't planning on starting to date again, but by June/July, I started seeing someone from work. We went out for a month and a half but I broke up with him because a lot of things were hitting me at once...starting the college term, getting chronic headaches, feeling inadequate as a girlfriend, even feeling a little bit unsure about why we were together... So we broke up, and things got pretty bad. We essentially fought for 3 and a half months, because we wouldn't (or couldn't...) leave each other alone - communicating either on facebook, through text or at work...sometimes nicely, other times emotionally charged. During that period, I started talking to another guy from work, who is 10 years older than I am (he's now 29, I'm 19), just as friends...we eventually began bbming all day, every day, for quite a while, flirting and so on - but I never planned on dating him, even though I had a slight crush on him. I mean, really, ten years? That's a LOT. Pretty soon he started asking me to go to dinner with him and I said no, I think about 3 times, and told him why: didn't want to ruin our friendship, and that I ****ed up my last relationship and wasn't about to do it again. By that time my birthday rolled around and I turned 19, the legal drinking age here, and went clubbing - in a nutshell, the night was terrible, ended up home at 12:30 drunk and crying because my friend ditched me...somehow, I ended up in his car by 1:30 outside of my house and we sat there until about 6 in the morning talking. And during that time he kissed me. And that started that. I wouldn't say that we became boyfriend/girlfriend because I was emotionally refusing that notion at the time....and I still had feelings for my ex...nevertheless, we started dating, and it was really nice. Like...peacefully happy. We were intimate a few times but never had sex. Unfortunately, one night mid December I made the fatal error to have my ex pick me up from a club and drive me home instead of my guy, and I ended up kissing my ex and asking him if he wanted to try one more time at our relationship. He said yes. So I had to end things with the new guy. He was devastated. I think he fell fairly hard for me pretty fast, so I am quite sure I broke his heart. In being selfish and breaking his heart, I was patching up mine. Or so I thought. So I get back together with my ex, yada yada, though I now have feelings for two guys, my ex being less compatible than the other guy, so I second-guess my decision quite a bit. I try to fix things with new guy, but don't get anywhere. About the end of January I finally got fed up with feeling hurt and bbmed him, where I got a message saying "This person does not have you on their contact list. Would you like to send a request to them to add you?" I was walking to the bus to go to school at that point and almost turned around and went home. Every little thing that came up showing that he now hated me put a thorn into my heart. I was sick and tired of feeling sad all the time. I then got slightly angry and called him and asked him if he was working that night, to which I got "Umm...no...who is this?" So he had also deleted my number. Ouch again. I said it was me and he goes "Oh. Oh, hi. How are you?" I said fine, and asked him to meet with me that night. We meet at starbucks. He shows up and is, surprise, nice to me. And I got optimistic at that point - if he can be nice to me maybe he can accept being friends with me again...right? Wrong. I asked him to be my friend. I explained myself. I told him that the fact that he now ignores me at work hurts me. I told him about my stupid hope that I have that maybe sometime he'll come up to me and say hi, and that every time he doesn't, something inside of me literally breaks. I never went into something with him with the intention to have him make me feel better, even though that did happen, albeit unintentionally. But I did not aim for that. Things just happened between us, and he knew that. I thought I had gotten through to him at that point, but I was wrong. What he said to me, in the end, word for word: "No matter what you say to me, I will always think you used me, and my dignity won't let me be friends with you." Then he asked me if I had anything else to say. I said no. He said "well then, goodbye." and got up to leave. I told him to wait, and pulled his (not very impressive) birthday present (that I had bought for him a while ago and had with me in case things went to ****, because I couldn't have it sitting in my house anymore, knowing what I had bought it for), put it on the table, said "Happy birthday." and left. So. It's now March. I went to Cancun in February for two weeks. We still have not spoken to one another since. Since that night, I've been wondering continuously if I'm ever going to have a chance to rebuild our friendship. I thought about him the entire time I was away, even though I had my ex (who is now my ex again, as of this past week). So now I'm single again. I don't necessarily want to be dating anytime soon, but I am very very unhappy that this is still going on with the second guy. I may as well be honest here: I do want another chance with him. I know I ****ed up, and threw away a great guy for a bad one. I know I broke his heart. I know it was all for a waste now, since I broke up with my ex once again. I started writing poetry again (and some prose) over this guy. I wondered for a little while if my feelings for him were genuine, or if it was just lust (because the intimacy was great) but I think...I did grow to care about him, and just squashed those feelings because I had bigger ones for my ex. So, the big question(s) is/are: Is he going to talk to me again? Could we possibly be friends again? Could we possibly date again? .....or have I lost him completely? A few more things... He's a nice guy. A pisces, for those who pay attention to star signs. Not really the type to hold a grudge. On a side note (this probably has no relevance but I'll throw it in anyway since I'm sat here typing my heart out) something that has come up that has been bothering me is his new relationship with one of the other girls who we work with. I won't lie: I am SUPREMELY ****ing jealous about this. Almost angry. I feel like.....almost a little bit like HE used ME, and has now bounced off into this girl, who fits his...."type": petite, white, brunette. As I am petite, white, and brunette (ish). There was another girl that used to work with us that I found out from someone else, who he may have pursued, and when I asked him about it when we were dating he told me they were just "smoking buddies". So I feel like just another girl from work, you know... try to date her and if it goes badly move on to the next one. I feel like a cog in the wheel, so to speak. I talked to the other girl today and she mentioned something to me that she creeps his profile on facebook, and in my head I was like AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ****. Seriously. I will be ****ing annoyingly mad and sad if he likes this girl. I have no idea how he feels about her, or me, but if he does...just....agh. I know she has two kids and is in a relationship. But I don't know how much they talk - probably a bit - since...well...I'm just assuming here. ANYWAY. The guy and I worked together last monday. We spoke, civilly, concerning work stuff. There was a slow-mo eye contact moment near the end of the night that affected me. But nothing...friendly. We work again tomorrow night. I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally reeeeeeeally want some kind of progress but I'm afraid of approaching him because every time I do, I get disappointed. After this massive essay, what do I want? I want to know what you guys think. Do I need to forget about him and move on? Should I try (haha) seducing him? Should I keep approaching him and making an effort, or is that acting out of desperation? I'd just like to make clear that now I'm newly single, I'm not interested in dating right now, but if I can fix this, I might consider it in the near future. What I want most, right now, is to...be friends. I know this is a big mess. I acted selfishly. I deserve to have him ignore me, but I still want him. I have this stupid hope, still. The hope is killing me. Help? Edited March 8, 2010 by yume
BootsElectric Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 You said it yourself, you used him, and made some big mistakes with him. He, to his benefit, was smart enough to realize this, and made it clear he doesn't want much if any to do with you. Frankly, at this point I would think it best to forget the whole mess, definitely take to heart the mistakes made, try to learn from them, and move on.
Author yume Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 You said it yourself, you used him Actually, to this day I still don't think I used him. As I said, he thinks (and said) I used him. Using, in my opinion, is just ****ing and dumping. I did not do that. I went into it open and honest. I told him from the start that I was still unsure about things, and he agreed to move slowly. He was aware from the get go that my heart was still healing. I paid for dinners. I asked him to do things with me. I was genuine. Wrongfully I got involved with him when I still had feelings for someone else but is it so wrong to want to have another chance?
spriggig Posted March 13, 2010 Posted March 13, 2010 You don't want to hear this but here it is: Yes, you messed up both of these relationships and you need to let them both go. New guy did you a HUGE favor by letting you go. Don't date anyone for at least six months--go out with girlfriends but don't date guys. In six months the weather will be warm, you're head will be clear and you'll see everything with a fresh perspective. Start over with someone new, close to your own age.
Weird Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 The new guy I think sees you really do not know what you want and doesn't want to be jerked around. You say it right here- you talk about being friends with him then say maybe down the line you may want to date him....what incentive is there for him to have you in his life and deal with your feelings now only to say in 6 months find out you do want to date but find some other guy. I think he is old enough and experienced enough to feel this isn't worth his time. You could be perfect for the guy but he doesn't seem to want to play the mind games and been jerked around. I don't blame him and I along with other guys I know have been in the situation and it is annoying. I really wish women in general could just be more certain of things they want rather than constantly waffle....and if they are going to waffle just think about the person(s) they are waffling over and realize they have feelings too and do not enjoy dealing with it. No woman likes it when a guy does ANYTHING negative to them so why do so many think it is OK to do it to guys?
Author yume Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 (edited) The new guy I think sees you really do not know what you want and doesn't want to be jerked around. You say it right here- you talk about being friends with him then say maybe down the line you may want to date him....what incentive is there for him to have you in his life and deal with your feelings now only to say in 6 months find out you do want to date but find some other guy. I think he is old enough and experienced enough to feel this isn't worth his time. You could be perfect for the guy but he doesn't seem to want to play the mind games and been jerked around. I don't blame him and I along with other guys I know have been in the situation and it is annoying. Part of it is that I don't want to do with him what I did with my ex...jump back into a relationship based on some heartache. I feel like it would be better to rebuild some semblance of friendship, where I can find out if he is someone I really want, and then pursue it. No woman likes it when a guy does ANYTHING negative to them so why do so many think it is OK to do it to guys? I don't think what I did was ok, not at all. I don't want to go around actively hurting people, so right now...it's more that I want to try and make things right. Edit: Not sure if this will make a difference, but he has been talking to me a little bit over the past week. Edited March 15, 2010 by yume
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