mom2angels Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I am very happily married (15 yrs. w/ children) and committed to my husband. I met an (in the process of divorcing) man a few weeks ago at the gym and we've recently become facebook friends. He seems to need and appreciate having a friend to talk to and I really like him as a person. We chat at the gym about his marital/child rearing issues, my hobbies and interests, my children, but never about my marriage. My husband is aware of this friendship and has been "coaching" me on "email flirting", ie: don't reply to emails too quickly, let him pursue me, etc. He enjoys the company of women (my friends, female coworkers), doesn't like hanging out with men, and doesn't see any reason why I can't have a male friend. I feel like it's silly to play "flirting/games" with this man, as he's aware that I'm married. I don't see any reason not to email freely and develop a genuine friendship with this man right now, as opposed to playing hard to get. I don't know what his intentions are towards me and don't want to lead him on. Is more contact with him going to lead him on or the other way around? My husband's intentions are not entirely wholesome, as he'd like to spend time socializing with females - only as friends - but I haven't allowed him to do so b/c I want us to set boundaries with men/women around us. He admits that he'd like me to have a male friend to hang out with on occasion b/c it would justify him doing the same. Thoughts? I'm a bit confused and don't know how to proceed with this new relationship, if that's the right term to describe it. I will say that if I wasn't married, I'd be interested in him.
FryFish Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I don't know what his intentions are towards me and don't want to lead him on.I know what they are. He admits that he'd like me to have a male friend to hang out with on occasion b/c it would justify him doing the same. WTF? I will say that if I wasn't married, I'd be interested in him. Everything about this is wrong. Not your sentence but your situation...
JaneInVegas Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I have two different ideas about this. Either he's trying to warm you up to the idea of an open relationship, or, he's trying to open up a gate to start some kind of an inappropriate relationship with someone else. I'd be very, very careful how you handle this! Good luck!
angie2443 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I have two different ideas about this. Either he's trying to warm you up to the idea of an open relationship, or, he's trying to open up a gate to start some kind of an inappropriate relationship with someone else. I'd be very, very careful how you handle this! Good luck! Yep, I would say this is exactly what's happening. OP, do you want an open marriage? Do you feel your husband's getting overly close to one of his female friends?
sally4sara Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I just want some clarity here so I can make sure I'm not getting the wrong vibe. Your husband (who enjoys the company of women more than the company of men?) it helping you construct your emails to this guy in a flirty manner so you won't get upset about his lady friends and him hanging out together. Is it possible he is gay, living vicariously through your exchanges and wants you to start getting sex elsewhere (rather than him having to do it) while he goes and does the "ladies at lunch" excursions with his fellow girlfriends? Or does he want a free pass at swinging and is trying to get you to step out first so you can't say no to the arrangement?
TinyLee222 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I just want some clarity here so I can make sure I'm not getting the wrong vibe. Your husband (who enjoys the company of women more than the company of men?) it helping you construct your emails to this guy in a flirty manner so you won't get upset about his lady friends and him hanging out together. Is it possible he is gay, living vicariously through your exchanges and wants you to start getting sex elsewhere (rather than him having to do it) while he goes and does the "ladies at lunch" excursions with his fellow girlfriends? Or does he want a free pass at swinging and is trying to get you to step out first so you can't say no to the arrangement? This is exactly what I was going to post. Either he is getting off helping you with these emails or he want's you to step out first. Either way you have some serious issues to work out ahead of you.
troggleputty Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Forgive me for saying this, but is it possible that you might be spending entirely too much time on the computer?
Author mom2angels Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Thanks for your replies. Regarding your comments: Your husband (who enjoys the company of women more than the company of men?) it helping you construct your emails to this guy in a flirty manner so you won't get upset about his lady friends and him hanging out together. Yes, this is precisely what I believe is going on. He has a couple of female friends but no guy friends. Is it possible he is gay, living vicariously through your exchanges and wants you to start getting sex elsewhere (rather than him having to do it) while he goes and does the "ladies at lunch" excursions with his fellow girlfriends? We have a great sex life. That's not an issue at all. When he socializes with female coworkers at work (all much younger and single), he gives them advice about dating, relationships. Again, I'm not comfortable letting him spend time outside of work with them, although he doesn't see a problem with it. Or does he want a free pass at swinging and is trying to get you to step out first so you can't say no to the arrangement? Certainly a possibility. It concerns me that my husband finds it amusing to have another man become interested in me. He doesn't seem to be jealous, actually seems flattered by it. He jokingly says that he needs to 'up his game' so that someone doesn't steal me away from him. I don't know how to handle the situation. Do I continue a friendship with this man or is it best to pull away before I become emotionally attached to him? I DO NOT want an open marriage, my husband knows this already. Am I leading this man on by being friends with him, even if I set clear boundaries and don't allow anything to happen b/t us?
Jeff1962 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Your H's intentions do not sound good. Use your head, this guy is recently divorced, probably in need of female company. I'd be willing to bet he wants to bang your brains out.
Davey McG Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Well, I can't see anything that can possibly go wrong here!
Author mom2angels Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Your H's intentions do not sound good. Use your head, this guy is recently divorced, probably in need of female company. I'd be willing to bet he wants to bang your brains out. We actually discussed his intentions this morning. He sees this man's attention towards me as entertaining, adding a little fun to our otherwise routine day-to-day life. He does not want to date other women, just socialize with them on occasion. That being said, is it possible to be a friend to him? Yes, I know that it raises a whole different set of questions but I'm putting this situation out there for feedback.
ADF Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 There is nothing wrong with having a male friend. But keep in mind men almost NEVER go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. You can bet dollars to donuts this man is interested in you and is feeling out the possibilities. If he sees his chances are nil, and if he can accept that and act within appropriate boundries, there won't be any problem. But this will become and issue, more likely than not.
xxoo Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 He admits that he'd like me to have a male friend to hang out with on occasion b/c it would justify him doing the same. But he is encouraging you to flirt and have him pursue you....in fact, he is encouraging you to intentionally "lead him on". One can only assume that he is doing that because it would justify him doing the same. Having a friendship with this divorced guy is fine. But it sounds like he (the divorced guy) may want more. In that case, it is kinder to be direct (not going to happen) and drop contact with him. Your husband says that it is entertaining to fuel this man's interest in you. But, in actuality, it is a little cruel. The guy is in a vulnerable place (process of divorce), and doesn't need to be an object of entertainment for some happily married couple.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 He admits that he'd like me to have a male friend to hang out with on occasion b/c it would justify him doing the same. Never, ever trust a man's intentions as 'good' when he is pushing his woman on another man. If he doesn't mind that you are doing this, and in fact is orchestrating it - you can bet that there is a reason, and it isn't a good one. He more than likely already has a female "friend" in mind, if not a full blown "friendship". He would not be doing this if he didn't already have someone in mind (or wasn't already involved) - it would be too risky to lose you to someone else. Since he isn't interested in the risk, it stands to reason that he has already risked your marriage with someone else and wants to balance the scales, so to speak. I would not, under any circumstances pursue this 'friendship' with divorced guy. Cut it off, and then keep your eyes open. I suspect that if you do this, and tell your husband that you do not accept the boundary crossing of 'flirting friendships outside of the marriage' he will flip out, sulk, be angry, etc. Why? Because he is already doing it and knows he will have a harder time getting away with it. I would be seriously addressing in marriage counseling or some other objective third party intervention why your husband feels a need to 'be friends' with women outside the marriage while simultaneously trying to coach you to flirt with someone else.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Yikes! Your husband's behavior sounds quite Machiavellian. I'd be wary ... very wary. Don't get manipulated into a situation that is not where you choose to be.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 My wife and I would not feel any of the details of your first post to be appropriate (on either side)... Many couples with 'great sex lives' include cheating. Often a cheating spouse has an increased drive for sex at home too. If you give this some logical common sense thought, you would either a) cut off all intimate conversation with this man; or b) introduce him to your family so that he is a family friend and not a divorced man who you are friends with. This introduction would serve many purposes. Just to clarify, a few sentences about handling children may not be inappropriate or intimate converstaion. Without a doubt though, helping him manage emotions in the ex-wife relationship and lengthy conversations about his kids are too intimate for a member of the opposite sex. Especially a single member of the opposite sex who you feel some attraction for! Irrelevant of what you husband says or does (or what his motivations are), I would recommend you stop in your tracks and analyze where you are at - what are the motivations and intentions of your relationship with this OM... Unless you want to end up on the 'infidelity' section of these boards, and/or the 'separation/divorce' section of these boards you know what to do next. Oh, and for the record. Incase it's not clear, I don't trust your husband one bit.
Author mom2angels Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Never, ever trust a man's intentions as 'good' when he is pushing his woman on another man. If he doesn't mind that you are doing this, and in fact is orchestrating it - you can bet that there is a reason, and it isn't a good one. He more than likely already has a female "friend" in mind, if not a full blown "friendship". He would not be doing this if he didn't already have someone in mind (or wasn't already involved) - it would be too risky to lose you to someone else. Since he isn't interested in the risk, it stands to reason that he has already risked your marriage with someone else and wants to balance the scales, so to speak. I would not, under any circumstances pursue this 'friendship' with divorced guy. Cut it off, and then keep your eyes open. I suspect that if you do this, and tell your husband that you do not accept the boundary crossing of 'flirting friendships outside of the marriage' he will flip out, sulk, be angry, etc. Why? Because he is already doing it and knows he will have a harder time getting away with it. I would be seriously addressing in marriage counseling or some other objective third party intervention why your husband feels a need to 'be friends' with women outside the marriage while simultaneously trying to coach you to flirt with someone else. I feel like I'm walking into a minefield with this situation. My main and foremost concern is my husband's reaction to the situation. Where's the male possessiveness, jealousy, territorial response? I have set very clear boundaries with him re: socializing with other women, pretty much saying that it's not appropriate and I'm not okay with it. We have had several arguments over the past few months about this issue. Perhaps subconsciously I allowed myself to take off the 'blinders' and see men besides my husband as possible partners. Hard to say. I feel like your email pretty much summed it up. The best thing for me to do is lead by example. If I don't allow my H to manipulate the situation, and stop it from progressing, he won't be able to debate the topic. Exhausting.
Deanster Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I'm amazed at the folks here who are supporting the 'Husband should never talk to a woman other than his wife' approach proposed by the OP... I'm a married man, with many female friends (male friends also). My wife knows them, and is friends with many of them also. I think your husband is trying to encourage you to be a little more flexible, and move out of Victorian Age rules keeping men and women from dangerously speaking to each other. I think you're wildly out of line by 'preventing' him from socializing with women at ALL, and he's jumping on this one sign that you might see a little bit of reason based on your new-found friendship with (GASP) a male!
Whyme_wtf Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 this is all such odd behavior on all but the guy at the gyms part. He doesn't know you are married? You dont know what to do? This is all a game for each of you it seems. I feel bad for the unknowing guy at the gym. Let him know.
Author mom2angels Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 this is all such odd behavior on all but the guy at the gyms part. He doesn't know you are married? You dont know what to do? This is all a game for each of you it seems. I feel bad for the unknowing guy at the gym. Let him know. Let me clarify...my friend at the gym IS aware that I'm married. My facebook page has a photo of me with my husband on it, and we became friendly through our children playing at the gym. They've actually been with us every time we've seen each other. His sons know that I'm their dad's "friend" and my girls think he's cool.
Author mom2angels Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 I'm amazed at the folks here who are supporting the 'Husband should never talk to a woman other than his wife' approach proposed by the OP... I'm a married man, with many female friends (male friends also). My wife knows them, and is friends with many of them also. I think your husband is trying to encourage you to be a little more flexible, and move out of Victorian Age rules keeping men and women from dangerously speaking to each other. I think you're wildly out of line by 'preventing' him from socializing with women at ALL, and he's jumping on this one sign that you might see a little bit of reason based on your new-found friendship with (GASP) a male! Some addl. information may be helpful here. My husband ONLY wants to socialize with young, pretty, single women. He's been clear with me that he is attracted to them and would pursue relationships IF he weren't married and happy with me. He's had several opportunities and turned each of them down so far, b/c it's the right thing to do, he's a good guy, doesn't want to jeopardize our relationship, etc. But I feel like whenever you bring a third party into a marriage - someone that could become a romantic interest - it's risky. That's the reason why I'm cautious about his motives behind letting me explore a friendship with this man. And why I'm confused about whether it's even an option for me to have a male friend at all.
Author mom2angels Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Let me clarify...my friend at the gym IS aware that I'm married. My facebook page has a photo of me with my husband on it, and we became friendly through our children playing at the gym. They've actually been with us every time we've seen each other. His sons know that I'm their dad's "friend" and my girls think he's cool. I really shouldn't put friend in quotes. We just sit together and hang out while the kids run around the gym. If we just talked during that activity I wouldn't think much of it. It's the fact that we've been in regular contact over the past week through email that elevates it from very casual to a higher level. And my husband's reaction that raises a red flag for me. The way he is amused by the interest, coaching me on how to 'email flirt', etc.
kevinconner Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Your husband is a tool to suggest it would be fun putting yourself in the cross hairs of a divorcing male. This man at the gym needs stability and strong thought out advice. He doesn't need a woman talking to him, pretending she is a MILF on the prowel who really isn't on the prowl but just doing so since her husband thinks its fun to pretend to be on the prowl. You are basing your "sound" marriage on the fact that you are instituting control over a behavior with your husband that you do not appreciate, yet he continues to push the issue. Since he is not listening to you, his door opens up once you start flirting with married man. If you loved your husband 100% and felt confident enough to know he would never cross the line, you should let him hang out with hookers if he needs to. As long as he doesn't touch them he is fine. Fat chance. If your husband loved you 100%, he would realize that his behavior offends you and would want to not put himself in situations where his behavior would compromise your trust. This all represents a very interesting power struggle below the surface of your marriage.
just_some_guy Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Why not just have a bbq or a party with you, your husband, your friends and his friends all in the same place? This board is full of hurt and suspicious people who's immediate reaction to everything is "CHEATER!!!!". If everything is on the up and up, a social event with all persons in view will not be a problem. I don't think it is wrong to have friends of the opposite sex, but it can lead to situations if everything else is not healthy. Have a talk with your friend from the gym and tell him that you are happy to be friends, but you are happily married and that's a boundary for you. (presuming that it is). Maybe ask hubby if there's a woman friend he knows you can fix him up with?
2sunny Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Some addl. information may be helpful here. My husband ONLY wants to socialize with young, pretty, single women. He's been clear with me that he is attracted to them and would pursue relationships IF he weren't married and happy with me. He's had several opportunities and turned each of them down so far, b/c it's the right thing to do, he's a good guy, doesn't want to jeopardize our relationship, etc. But I feel like whenever you bring a third party into a marriage - someone that could become a romantic interest - it's risky. That's the reason why I'm cautious about his motives behind letting me explore a friendship with this man. And why I'm confused about whether it's even an option for me to have a male friend at all. it's only an option from the standpoint that your H is looking to use this an ammunition against you when he decides to have a gal he's interested in. how can he complain when you've been doing it all along? my suggestion is - don't go there. tell the male friend that you want to discontinue the friendship - and make it perfectly clear to your husband that you did - and exactly why - so he knows it's inappropriate and you won't stand for it from his side either. i find his cavalier attitude towards your fidelity a bit repulsive.
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