RobM Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I have never understood why women think the way they do in this regard. I think my wife is beautiful but there are more beautiful women in the world. I don't understand how me seeing another women and saying she's beautiful is so disrespectful to my wife. To me it's like living in a fairytail world to think my wife would think I'm the best looking guy in the world, I'm just happy she's with me and loves me. If the situation was reversed and she pointed out some good looking guy, it wouldn't bother me, I would probably agree with her, ya, I'm average and he's much better looking, so what. It wouldn't bother me because I would know it's true. I compare myself to myself, there are better looking guys, smarter guys, richer guys, and there always will be. Only a few people in the world are the best or smartest or best looking, only a very very few. None of that means that I'm not pretty ok myself, I'm average looking, smarter than some, more well off than some. I'm happy with my life and that's enough for me. Are you going to leave your boyfriend or husband for the first better looking guy that walks past? Why would you think he would do that to you, and if you really believe that then he's probably not the guy for you anyway.
meerkat stew Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I've learned to limit my alcohol intake as it adversely affects my reaction to situations. Best advice in the thread. If you have a hard time with emotions when drinking, spare yourself these types of hassles by not drinking.
marsle85 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I have never understood why women think the way they do in this regard. Beauty is valued more in women than it is in men. So, in turn- women also realize the importance of attraction - any threat to their "power," can be pretty scary. I don't live by that- I try not to be limited by jealousy, etc. but I know this trend exists plenty.
RobM Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I don't necessarily mean in regards to beauty, I mostly don't understand the need to not just compare yourself to everyone else but to gauge yourself based on everyone else, the need to establish your self worth based on being better than someone else. Do women really expect us to think they are the most beautiful woman in the world?
marsle85 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I don't necessarily mean in regards to beauty, I mostly don't understand the need to not just compare yourself to everyone else but to gauge yourself based on everyone else, the need to establish your self worth based on being better than someone else. Do women really expect us to think they are the most beautiful woman in the world? Women gauge themselves based on everyone else because men do. It is not often (even rare) that you see women on LS rating their guys on a scale 1-10. In contrast, you cannot read one thread without seeing a guy rate not only a woman's body, but face too. It makes perfect sense to me that after witnessing and understanding the importance of looks to men- why a woman would adopt her attraction as her source of power/lure in the relationship.
Author spookie Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 he mentioned her again just a couple minutes ago, as we were talking before falling asleep. we were talking aboutr the weekend and he said, "yah, shes cute, isnt she? she was part of a group of hot girls in high school, but the only one of them whos still attractiv." then he sais she was actually also really nice. now, i know its irrational of me to be either jealous or angry, but my nagging thoughts are, hes going to friend her on fb, theyre going to go grab dinner one night together, and, if she wants him (this part is doubtful) hell "trade up". when i pause, i realize he might be a better guy than im giving him credit for. i mean, this weekend he introduced me to everyone, including her, as his gf; and he invites me along with him everywhere, so i have no reason to believe if they were grabbing dinner, he wouldnt inbite me to come out with them, too. and i know if he were to cheat, id find out, so theres no point in getting worked up over trying to prevent it, or catch it happeningin the act. but still... im back to crazy. as soon as i start caring about a person, i get this way.
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 he mentioned her again just a couple minutes ago, as we were talking before falling asleep. we were talking aboutr the weekend and he said, "yah, shes cute, isnt she? she was part of a group of hot girls in high school, but the only one of them whos still attractiv." then he sais she was actually also really nice. now, i know its irrational of me to be either jealous or angry, but my nagging thoughts are, hes going to friend her on fb, theyre going to go grab dinner one night together, and, if she wants him (this part is doubtful) hell "trade up". when i pause, i realize he might be a better guy than im giving him credit for. i mean, this weekend he introduced me to everyone, including her, as his gf; and he invites me along with him everywhere, so i have no reason to believe if they were grabbing dinner, he wouldnt inbite me to come out with them, too. and i know if he were to cheat, id find out, so theres no point in getting worked up over trying to prevent it, or catch it happeningin the act. but still... im back to crazy. as soon as i start caring about a person, i get this way. You are such a pessimist spookie. I know what you mean about "they will friend on FB..then grab dinner one night etc". But you do realize that you are building castles in the air and this is VERY unlikely to happen. You are basically worrying and wasting all this mental and emotional energy on something that has about 1% chance of happening. If you think about your past, how many times did your worst case scenarios actually happen?
shadowplay Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 he mentioned her again just a couple minutes ago, as we were talking before falling asleep. we were talking aboutr the weekend and he said, "yah, shes cute, isnt she? she was part of a group of hot girls in high school, but the only one of them whos still attractiv." then he sais she was actually also really nice. now, i know its irrational of me to be either jealous or angry, but my nagging thoughts are, hes going to friend her on fb, theyre going to go grab dinner one night together, and, if she wants him (this part is doubtful) hell "trade up". when i pause, i realize he might be a better guy than im giving him credit for. i mean, this weekend he introduced me to everyone, including her, as his gf; and he invites me along with him everywhere, so i have no reason to believe if they were grabbing dinner, he wouldnt inbite me to come out with them, too. and i know if he were to cheat, id find out, so theres no point in getting worked up over trying to prevent it, or catch it happeningin the act. but still... im back to crazy. as soon as i start caring about a person, i get this way. I think he's being pretty insensitive. The first mention of her was forgivable, but why is he bringing her up again after he knows how much it hurt you the first time?
carhill Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Would the male equivalent be being told another guy's d!ck is bigger? IDK. Stbx told me that one about a male friend. Oh, so that's why he's so popular in the hot tub.... IMO, there's a continuum here. There's a reason you're attracted to this guy, in the first, in those circumstances, and now continue to be attracted, even with the latest dynamic you shared. This seems to be working for you. He is not unaware of that. My educated guess is that you would not be with him if his persona was 'different', perhaps more pedestrian and respectful. The spark wouldn't be there. He makes what I consider to be a insensitive comment in front of you; you respond by crying. He reassures you; you come here and want input and support. I see it as a cycle. Would I have said such a thing in front of you? No, and I never did in front of my stbx in all our years of marriage. I thought it to be disrespectful. That perspective permeates the aura I project. You're in charge of what you're attracted to and deciding whether it's healthy for you. Is this guy compatible? That's really the essential question. Hope it works out for you
pandagirl Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I wouldn't like it if my boyfriend brought it up the first or second time. I can't imagine saying to my boyfriend: "Isn't that guy totally hot?" Now, if he ASKED me if I thought someone was attractive, I would tell the truth, but I also wouldn't go overboard in my compliment. The fact that he brought it up again is insensitive. Period.
Peaceandlove Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 given your history it would have bothered me too....it's disrespectful and a little bit unthoughful (i don't think this word exists, but you get my point) on his behalf you responded by crying because you probably had already drank quite a bit- but my question is would you have responded the same way now in such an event? ask yourself 'why did you respond that way'? explore your emotions towards your man ...there's always gonna be attractive women around but maybe its just that you can't trust him no matter what? I'm not trying to be harsh at all, in fact I totally empathize with you- I hope it all works out well!
Twenty-ten Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Honestly, I think it is irrelevant how you two met for the simple fact that any woman in their right mind in the presence of a stunning woman and their man saying "she is absolutely beautiful isn't she?" would be bothered. A lot of women will try to play the cool card like it wouldn't phase them but don't buy into that. Most women don't want to hear that. People can have all the trust in the world for a partner and pretend to be super self confident but who needs to be reminded that someone better looking is in the room and that the person you love is admiring them? We all have eyes keep it to yourself. that seems too close to home for me. Now, having said that I think your reaction is a bit extreme. To break down and cry in front of him like that seems a bit much, but then again judging by his reaction, it seems he is very sweet and cares for you. So I would focus on that.
Els Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I'm of the opinion that no guy worth having, is just going to want the hottest girl around. A guy who's worth having will appreciate all the things that you do have, and realize that no other woman will have all of that, even though she may be 'better' in some aspects. Btw, I don't really see what's so insensitive about him saying that when spook was checking her out in the first place. It's a completely different thing from a guy saying, "Hey, check out that chick - hot, eh?"
Twenty-ten Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 he mentioned her again just a couple minutes ago, as we were talking before falling asleep. we were talking aboutr the weekend and he said, "yah, shes cute, isnt she? she was part of a group of hot girls in high school, but the only one of them whos still attractiv." then he sais she was actually also really nice. now, i know its irrational of me to be either jealous or angry, but my nagging thoughts are, hes going to friend her on fb, theyre going to go grab dinner one night together, and, if she wants him (this part is doubtful) hell "trade up". when i pause, i realize he might be a better guy than im giving him credit for. i mean, this weekend he introduced me to everyone, including her, as his gf; and he invites me along with him everywhere, so i have no reason to believe if they were grabbing dinner, he wouldnt inbite me to come out with them, too. and i know if he were to cheat, id find out, so theres no point in getting worked up over trying to prevent it, or catch it happeningin the act. but still... im back to crazy. as soon as i start caring about a person, i get this way. Ok now that I read this, this definitely can be tied to how you met and I can see how your insecurities would grow from that. This guy is being a complete twerp, and you have every right to be upset and feeling insecure and with "crazy thoughts" He saw your reaction on the day you met her now he insists on continuing the same comments. He is doing it on purpose. I change my mind about him being sweet, he's not sweet he sounds sinister.
Jersey Shortie Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Women gauge themselves based on everyone else because men do. It is not often (even rare) that you see women on LS rating their guys on a scale 1-10. In contrast, you cannot read one thread without seeing a guy rate not only a woman's body, but face too. It makes perfect sense to me that after witnessing and understanding the importance of looks to men- why a woman would adopt her attraction as her source of power/lure in the relationship. Exactly. I really think it's unfair that alot men expect women not to be concerned with their looks when that's the number one thing men concern themselves with. Or when men say " I love you because your personality!" after he was just oggling another attractive woman. Makes you feel like dogcrap. I also love that you see men rate women left and right for their looks and then complain how women don't want them for *who* they are and just want them for free meals or the likes of that .The irony. but each time he says it, i wonder, what if i wasnt? what happens when im not? Yeah, I wonder that too sometimes. What happens when I get old and ugly? Do men just stop loving you? Does he tolerate you because he is use to you while he ogles his daughter's friends? Does he love his partner because she shared a life with him but he still needs to see other younger women to get the kind of pleasure he *really* wants? Not easy being a woman. Men are not always very kind.
laRubiaBonita Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 but still... im back to crazy. as soon as i start caring about a person, i get this way. and everyone loves an insecure, possible jealous, paranoid SO. is it your self-fulling prophecy to reject first, at the slightest thing, to keep yourself from possibly being rejected?
Kamille Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I get jealous like any other women, but I can call a spade a spade and have, in the past, agreed with a partner that a woman was good looking. The funny thing is that I get jealous of women who resemble me the most, not so much in looks but in attitude (it took me awhile to realize this). So there is likely something about her that you identify with and that's why you have those crazy scenarios running through your head. You perceive her as a better and improved version of you. (which, obviously, as everyone is different, no one is a better and improved version of you). I think, however, that you over-reacted the first time he brought it up. I would rather know who my bf finds attractive then live in a pretend-world where I believe he thinks I am the only beautiful woman in the universe. But I agree with SP. Since you burst into tears the first time, why did he bring it up again? I think he's being pretty insensitive. The first mention of her was forgivable, but why is he bringing her up again after he knows how much it hurt you the first time?
Author spookie Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 for what its worth, my bursting into tears reaction was a couple of minutes delayed - by the time i had started crying, we werent even talking to the girl anymore. i dont think bf put two and two re: his comment together, because he kept asking me what was wrong (and even tried to talk to me about why id started crying, the next day). luckily, i had more sense than to say, you said another girl was pretty. kamille, its funny you bring up that youre most jealous of women most similar to you, because im the same way. in this latest example, i noticed this girl first, because i suspected she would be my bf's type, because she looks so similar to me, she could be my sister. i dont want to be a jealous person. my jealousy makes me a hypocrite. i find other people attractive. and i certainly dont think there is anything wrong with having male friends. the key is boundaries, and i would hope that my bf would trust i knew what mine were. (i think i do.) i dont know why its so hard for me to be trusting.
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