Ex girlfriend playing games long thread. Any opinion appreciated

[thenewguy]

My girlfriend and I started dating about 5 yrs ago. We had broken up twice and had been living together since the summer of 2002. In August of 2003 I was transferred a two another town, closer to her college and I bought a house for us because we were making wedding plans. In October she began spending alot of time online and met a guy. She said it was because I failed to pay attention to her and her son. We decided to work through it and I made an extra effort to be more attentive and affectionate. I told her she would have to cease contact with the other guy which she agreed to. A few weeks later I learned they were still talking and I broke up with her. We decided they would live with me until she could find a place to live but we would not date other people while living together. A few nights later she took her son to a friends house and then spent the night with a male friend of hers. I told her to leave and she moved in with her parents and began to see this guy.

 

We stayed in contact because we have dogs together and they are at my house. About a two weeks after she left she and this guy broke up and she told me she wanted to work things out. A few days later I found out they were talking again and I told her I liked my life the way it was going. A couple of weeks later they got into it again and she called to see if she could stay the night with me. I was out of town so she was unable to get hold of me. She told me that he was psycho, very jealous of me and they were through. She came by a couple of days later and we had sex. She asked if we could work things out. I find out later they are seeing each other again and told her no. This holds for another week and they spit again. She then e-mails asking for one last chance. I told her I would think about it. Two days later I see them together. I told her not to contact me again. A few days later she e-mails me to tell me she is coming to get her belongings. I e-mailed back and was very cold to her. She then called me and explained to me that she had been diagnosed with Adult ADD. We talked about this and she asked me to read up on it. I did and realized where alot of our problems had originated from during the relationship.( She had told me many times while we were together that she didn't feel like herself and she was not thinking right. I always told her there was nothing wrong with her.) She told me that she really missed me and would like to see me the next day.

 

The next day she broke up with him and told me she wanted to come back home. She said she told her son we were going to be a family again. She asked to spend the weekend with me. We talked about everything. She explained how this other guy scared her. That he was possessive and smothering her. She said he told her he loved her after dating for a couple of weeks and that he wanted to marry her. I told her I was not ready for her to just come back. We needed to work through some things. That Sunday she said she needed to get used to dealing with her condition and needed me as her coach. She said I should continue to date but not to get serious because the didn't want to lose me. I told her I would do this but if I found out she was back in contact with the other guy then I was through with her. A couple of days passed and she came by my house. She became emotional and warned me not to take her back right now. I told her I wasn't. When she left she asked me to follow her out of town because the other guy was stalking her.

 

Two days later she was supposed to come by and never showed. I sent her an e-mail asking what happened to her and telling her I had an idea. She then e-mailed back telling me to move on with my life and not to wait on her. She said I didn't deserve her indecisiveness and she didn't need anyone. She said I deserved to find someone better. I called and asked if she was with him that day and said she was. I told her I was through with her. She said she felt sorry for him and it was not fair to give her that ultimatum. I was mad and hung up. I emailed a couple of days later and told her to get her stuff out of my house and change her mailing address. She came by on the Jan. 1st and got a handful of things and said she would get the rest when her soon. She said some things about the other guy and I asked if they were seeing each other she said they were but not seriously. She said he had been diagnosed as bipolar and was now medicated. I told her I had gone out with someone a few times since we had last talked and I appreciated her getting her stuff out of my house because the other girl didn't understand why it was still there. She said the other girl was jealous that we would get back together and got mad saying I was getting into another relationship. She said she would email me to let me know when she was going to get the rest of her things and she would come by later to take one of the dogs to the vet. I emailed her the next day and told her not to worry about the vet I would take care of that. I have since dropped contact.

 

I know this is long but I thought it would help to understand the situation if I told the whole story.

Does anyone have an opinion on this. Her sister told me she thinks she has me wrapped around her finger and that I will always be there for her.

[InLoKo]

You didn't mention your ages.

 

I'm not sure I would say she has been playing games (although you may feel like she has been) but I do think you have been far too soft with her. She knows she can walk all over you and has been doing exactly that. Frankly, I think you're well rid of her. She has behaved appallingly, ADD or not. You are doing the right thing by cutting off contact with her. The sad thing is you have a son. Where is he when she is seeing this wacko guy? Being baby-sat by the grand-parents? That's not good for him. Did you consider custody of him yourself?

 

What you haven't said in your post is what YOU want now. Do you want her to be healthy and get back with you, because you still love her? Or are you starting to think you are better off now she is out of your life (although she never will be completely out of your life because of your son)?

[thenewguy]

Maybe I should have said she was playing me. I am 37 and she is 29. The child is hers from a previous marriage. I do miss us as a family but I have had my fill of crap. We broke up the first time after dating for a year. She said it was not because she wanted to date but she started blowing me off and I found out she was dating another classmate. I began dating someone and she freaked and begged me to take her back which I refused to do. That relationship ended and we began dating again a couple of months later. As far as what I want right now I'm not sure. I am dating so that helps. I don't care to be around her.

 

Her son is usually with family when she is with him. Which I think is quite a bit of the time. A little history on the guy. He is a 31 yr old student. He does not work. I am the exact opposite. Very independent worked my way through college and have a great job. He also has a criminal record. He has had a problem with her not moving her stuff from my house and staying in contact with me.

 

I feel like she thinks that she can do what she wants and that I love her so much that I if she decides to come back I will welcome her back with open arms.

[thenewguy]

I have a question regarding my situation. Her mail is still coming to my house. I told her three weeks ago she needed to change her address. That is not the first time I have asked her to do that. I thought about returning it to sender. When she came over last week to pick up things I asked when she could get the rest of her stuff. She said she could have some guys come get it a few days later if it was OK with me. I told her his friends were not coming to my house. She then got an attitude with me. I told her she needed to lose the attitude because I didn't want to argue. She said I started it by bringing up the other girl. Arrangements have been made with her mother to move the rest of her belongings from my home. She thinks we are going to stay in contact because of sharing the dogs (they are just like children to us). I agree I have let her walk on me. Any ideas on how to handle the situation?

[thenewguy]

She called today. She blocked her number. Don't know why. She asked when I wanted her to get the rest of her things. She then told me she had broken up with him today. She said he was extremely jealous of me and the fact that she had not moved her stuff. I told her that maybe after she got her things he would settle down. She said she was through with him. That he went psycho and she thought she was going to have to call the police to make him leave her apartment. She then talked a little bit and said she would come by this weekend to get her things. I told her that was fine with me.

Do you think she had other motives? Why did she tell me she had split with him? Did I handle this well?

[Marty_McFly]

I'm absolutely certain that she had "other" motives. The real question is whether she's still just playing games or if she's seriously ready to commit. The other question is whether you are also still into this relationship. She still has a long ways to go to prove she's serious, if I was in your situation.

 

It sounds like you're playing this very well now, which is actually why I question whether you actually even want this relationship or not, because a lot of people would irrationally continue to let her walk on them. It's ok to let her know you love her, but you have to take it slow and make sure she knows what she wants.

[thenewguy]

Thanks Marty. I think she is still playing games. I saw a guy driving her car a couple of hours after I talked to her. I really don't know that I do want it anymore. She has proven to me that she has no integrity and that she needs to mature. I don't have time to wait for her to grow up and I can't take someone back that I know has no integrity. Maybe I am recovering. I don't feel the hurt and anger anymore. I still love her but then again sometimes I just don't care anymore. It's like every time I catch her in a lie it a little more feeling that have for her fades away. I appreciate your thoughts on the situation.

[The Velvet Vixen]

Whether or not it is her intention to play games with you is irrelevant at this point. The fact is that she is very unstable and is caught up in a pattern of behavior that is hurtful to you. She has proven time and again that she cannot be trusted and if you continue to associate with her, you will continue to be hurt over and over again. For the sake of your own sanity, I would strongly recommend cutting all ties with her. Insist that she remove all of her property from your home at once. If she stalls and refuses (which she probably will do, since she is using it as a way to maintain contact with you), you should leave her property with someone the woman knows, such as her sister. You don't have any legal obligation to hold onto her property After a reasonable amount of time has passed, you have no legal obligation to store her property. Also, you don't need to see her at all in order for her to see the dogs. You could drop them off with a trusted relative and have her pick them up and return them there. If she has any concerns or messages to relay to you regarding the dogs, tell her to leave them with the aforementioned relative.

[Prettyangel]

Wow!Alrighty!

 

Let me see how to say this without sounding like I am being mean. We as human beings are so busy blaming and looking at other people and why THEY act so dysfunctional. All along it is not about someone else. It is about us!

 

Ask yourself this questions........."WHY AM I PUTTING UP WITH THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR"?

 

When you can answer that and you start making some changes within YOU, you going to be alright!

 

Do yourself and the next girl a huge favor, do not get into another relationship until you have taken care of you emotionally. Until you do, you should fly solo for some time because you are going to end up hurting the next girl you are with I asure you!

 

In order to give healthy love one must be healthy first. What that means is, you are happy, you love yourself, you respect yourself.

 

Reading your story tells me that you haven't done that, so how in the world can you give healthy and happy love to anyone else if you can't give that to yourself?

 

There are books out there and endless resources online in order to get help.

 

You hurting yourself. No one is responsible for your feeling but you! Let go and let God!

[julieg]

does this girl have a substance abuse problem or mental illness in the family? you dated for 5 years -during that time did you see any hints of the erratic behavior she has been displaying recently ?

[SoleMate]

Maybe I am recovering. I don't feel the hurt and anger anymore. I still love her but then again sometimes I just don't care anymore. It's like every time I catch her in a lie it a little more feeling that have for her fades away. I appreciate your thoughts on the situation.

My thoughts are that you have been more than fair and reasonable. You've given her fair chances and she has played - or should I say attempted to play - you like a harmonica. You know, 80% of LSers will say "dump the b**ch" and some smaller fraction will say "just be there for her". But I think you have walked an in-between path that does you proud. You didn't dump her, you set some limits. She violated them so many times that it's a clear pattern now. There won't be any regrets on your side about whether you could have done more.

 

I find my heart breaking for the little kid who is a victim of all this. His own dad's moved on, and the live-in father figure he has known for five years is also now gone. And his mom makes promises to him that she cannot keep. And he doesn't know where he's going to live and where his love is going to come from.

 

Final thought - I don't like it that the dogs are enough to keep you bonded but the kid is not. I know he's not your biokid, but if you can kiss him goodbye, say goodbye to the dogs too. That's my advice, I'm sure you won't take it.

[thenewguy]

Well she called again Sunday. Asking for some advice concerning a situation with him. I told her I could not help her. She also apologized for not getting her things out. Said she would get them this weekend. She said that she knew I was dating and happy and that I deserved to be happy. She said that things had not been going well for her and it still hurt her to see me. Today I receive a text message from her new guy. He knew she had talked to me and asked if she told me she was pregnant and that until yesterday they were engaged. He wanted to know if me and her were back together. And that he would not contact me again unless I wanted to talk. I called her and asked her, to ask him not to contact me again. I told her that what happened between them did not concern me and I did not want to be placed in the middle of their problems. I read the message to her. She said for the record that she was not pregnant and that she gave the ring back when he gave it to her because he wanted her to call me and tell me that he had given her a ring. She said he became furious when she refused to do this. She said he was mad that she had ended things with him and felt that she did it to come back to me. Thus the message. I explained again to her that I was happy with the way my life is going and wanted to be left alone. She said that she would take care of it and that the only reason she had called was to make arrangements to get her things. She said that I would not hear from her again after she got her stuff.

 

I have read each response and appreciate everyone's input. In response to Pretty Angel I appreciate your opinion but when someone is hurting they don't think as logically and clearly as they should. We tend to let our hearts rule our heads. Which is why we come to sites like this seeking advice. You were right in that I should ask myself why I put up with that behavior. I can ask myself that now but I am thinking differently than I did a month ago.

 

julieg- no history of substance abuse or mental illness, but it has to start somewhere. She did show hints of irresponsibilitywhich I attributed to immaturity, but nothing like this.

 

Solmate-I agree it does sound like the dogs have taken precedent over her son. He is with her family now. I love him very much and miss him dearly but I also don't want to confuse him. He is a great kid and I feel like he is the one that got the short end of the stick here.