MarBear Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Background: Both of us divorced (young adolescent kids getting ready to go off on their own) Me in school full time and after having to get through a terrible abusive relationship lasting 17 years and taking 4 years to find the courage to date again. This is my first real relationship since then and it was a LD relationship. (Although he has dated for a while I think this was a kind of first real relationship for him as well I think. I’m not trying to put him down or up just stating the facts, as I know them.) The short story goes: I haven’t seen him for a couple months just prior to spending a week together in Vegas. When he gets back (we had contact everyday that he was gone with lots of “love you babe’s”) I pick him up at the same time having paper deadlines to finish and I take time out to spend time with him and really welcome him home. Then I take time to drive him to his other home and I go back to finish my papers. Then a few days later and for a second time in our relationship, he cuts off all communication for no apparent reason, then when I ask why he texts back that ‘why is it I can’t just give him space’…then there was other words but he may as well of had these ones in blaring neon “The spark is gone”. I ended that night’s conversation pretty quickly after that but first I got in a few FU’s. That night was restless and I spent the next day just doing homework and sitting silently with the pain…. then early that evening I got more texts and this is the conversation I chose to have: Him: Do you still feel the same today? Me: I’m trying to make my way through a philosophy book…my life will go on with or without you…I’m not sure what it is you want nor do I think you know either…you may be afraid of loosing something if your with me…shall I say freedom…so there is nothing I’m going to do to stop you…I’m not your keeper nor will I try…if you need time take all you want…like I said my life will go on…I want it to mean something to me so I will never give up on it…maybe its best we just let it go…I can’t do this anymore…its hard to find trust in a relationship that your not sure the other wants…and besides its to hard on my emotions to be wanted one day and ignored the next…take the time to decide what it is you want in life…I may still be around or I may not but hopefully you will have discovered what it is you want…Are you ok? Him: I guess you’re right in that I don’t know what I want…. I’m actually a wreck Me: Just let it go…there’s nothing to get wrecked about…you’ll be fine eventually…then when your head is clear you’ll be free to figure out where you want to go from here…I’m not going to beg you to stay…it was always a choice you needed to make for yourself…however since its my feelings that are being tossed around with your indecisiveness it becomes my choice to let you do it to me or not…I choose not to live like that…nor do I think you want to either…we have to say good bye…and yes it hurts but it hurts equally as much if not more to leave it like this…give it time you’ll be fine and you’ll be free from the emotional upheaval that this relationship is causing… Him: What is it that you want? What are your goals and dreams? You have made comments that there’s nothing holding you where you are … Doesn’t that create a lot of uncertainty for me as well? How am I to interpret all this? I’ve been wondering if I’m disposable when you decide what it is you want. Me: Well all you had to do was ask me…instead you shut me out…I don’t know where I’m headed…I have school to finish…I set out to do it…its paid for so I’m going to finish…after that I don’t know…I have no plans…I guess I was just planning on going wherever my life takes me…after school I have to work…where or at what is too far in the future for me to see…but it was something I wished we could have talked about but when I brought it up all you could do was go silent and run…and no I have never thought you were disposable…hoping on flexible but never disposable Him: Well that is what I want to be – flexible. I have no idea of where I’ll be in the future neither and am willing to just go with the flow so to speak, to a certain point. There are practical things, which I must plan for, such as a place to live that is not dependent upon being in [this work]. The writing is on the wall as far as my long-term continuation of what I do. And in all honesty that scares the hell out of me … All I know to do is [this work]. Me: Don’t you have bowling tonight? (Ok in all honesty I switched the conversation here by not responding to his uncertainties. He could have brought them up way before this. Now I really don’t care what or what he doesn’t want or need or is confused about. Aren’t we all at times in our lives, is that a reason to just shut your feelings off? I don’t think so.) Him: I’m not going. [Friend] and I went to the [restaurant] for supper and I couldn’t even finish one beer … It just started my guts churning so I’m staying home and trying to find something brainless to watch on tv and hopefully fall asleep (Wants sympathy that I don’t have to give him) Me: I didn’t go to class either…this mornings class was cancelled…but I am trying to get through some homework…and I’m trying to just stay calm…there is nothing I can do to change things so I’m just going to surrender to it and let it be…getting angry or falling into an emotional wreck just means I’m trying to control what is not in my control…basically just being still with the hurt… Him: I’m sorry Me: Don’t be…I’m not sorry I met you…just let me go …and don’t feel guilty I’ll be fine Him: I know you’ll be fine as you’re a very strong lady … Its me that I’m worried about … For I do love you very deeply and I don’t know if I can go on without you (I love you so deeply but “there is no spark” – This one isn’t worth a response and “I need space” – How much more space do you need was the last 2 months not enough?) Me: You were doing perfectly fine before me and you will again…seems to me your problems started because you were with me… Him: Not at all Him: I’ll leave you be with your homework :* Him: … That’s for now … Not permanently I haven’t spoken to him since and frankly I really don’t feel like talking at all because for me it is permanent. I have set up the NC (No Contact) strategy and plan on sticking to it…after contemplation during my silent retreat, me, myself, and I have all agreed that we will not be treated in such a manner and plan on putting one foot in front of the other and continue on. Looking back, I saw it coming I read the signs and figured I’d be the one to not act in a cowardice way by taking control of my life and making decisions that are in my best interest. The love and trust are gone, I will not beg for someone to love me for I love myself enough already. So if I’m going to be in a relationship then I want one in which “Love is the responsibility of an I for a You”. One that brings me joy to do things for another, not wanting to change them, liking everything about them (even the things I don’t like), feeling loved whether together or apart, putting an effort into making two ways of living into a respected and honored one way and hopefully they will reciprocate by finding joy in doing these things as well…If loving someone becomes a burden it wasn’t really love in the first place because there was never a time that you let the other be a subject (instead of an object) long enough in order to feel their true essence as a person…Now I say up and on with LIFE!
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