Am I stupid or is there something here?

[ejr]

Wow, I'm so happy I found this place. Just what I need right now.

 

The story (with a ridiculous amount of details and possible tl;dr, I know) begins five years ago, in a random cafe, where I ran into a girl who, cliched as it may sound, changed my life. We spent the following summer together and everything seemed perfect. We never talked about a potential relationship, mostly because I didn't think it was necessary (ie. it was so obvious) and she seemed to agree (lesson learned: never assume anything).

 

The fall of the same year things went bad. It turned out she had had feelings for someone else for a long time even before she met me and the fact that she and I had spent so much time together had destroyd her chances with the other person. Lots of weirdness ensued, we didn't speak for a long time and I couldn't bring myself to tell her how I really felt.

 

Eventually she got into a very brief relationship (rebound, I say!) that ended the very same day she and I finally spent some time together for the first time in months.

 

From there on it's been one hell of a roller coaster. We're friends, yes. Most of our friends seem to think we're more than that and even some complete strangers have complimented us on how we make a lovely couple (probably because we do match pretty well and we've known each other for so long that we sort of just... read one another. We click. If you know what I mean). For my own sake, I've just tried to avoid any romantic feelings that might surface but obviously all those random remarks make it pretty hard.

 

We traveled the world, shared beds, shared our thoughts, shared everything. We have stupid inside jokes that no one else gets and we seem to talk without saying anything (or so I've been told).

 

Flash forward to a year and a half back. We hung out as per usual, talking about all the things we were going to do at some point of our lives when suddenly she announces that she's dating someone. And that the someone is the very same person she missed her first chance with because of me. Us. Whatever. And, as much as I hate to admit it, it hurt. A lot.

 

Surprisingly, we became even closer during the next few months. And not necessarily in a purely platonic way, either. We were constantly joking about how we seemed even more like a couple that ever before, which, now that I think of it, was completely ridiculous and hurt me more than it should have.

 

Then, at some point last spring, she invited me out to party with her friends and we had a great time. At the end of the evening she told me they'd broken up.

 

The following summer was just like the one when we first met. We spent a lot of time together, went on random roadtrips and when I helped her move into her new apartment she hinted that I might start leaving my things there. For the next six months we were pretty much inseperable and I could not have been happier. Everything was so sappily perfect.

 

And then, about a month and a half ago, I found out she has been in a relationship with someone else since August. And I heard it from the person she's dating. Needless to say I was pretty pissed about this and when I confronted her about it she had no idea why I was angry.

 

We talked things through during the next few weeks and we both said a lot of things that should have been said years ago. I told her I had thought we were a couple and she told me she thought of me as a "very important friend" (a description that should be violently burned with fire). I told her in great detail why I though she was being ridiculous and why I couldn't be blamed for assuming things and she just basically apologized if her joking had gone too far.

 

She also declared that even though we are friends, she doesn't feel like she needs to tell me every detail about her life. Such as the tiny little fact that she's dating someone. And that she had assumed I knew anyway.

 

Then, stupid as I am, I agreed that we should just try and be friends because the past five years have been too awesome to just throw out because of something as petty as this.

 

She came over to watch movies with me on Valentine's day and stayed for the night. She messages me with "good night" pretty much every night. When I'm out with someone else, she texts me with things like "Having fun? I'm looking at pictures from our trip last year. When are we going again?" She keeps texting me even if she's out with her s.o.

I've kept my replies short and blunt but I dont want to be a complete bastard since she really is one of my best friends and I don't get the whole point of being a jackass just for the sake of being a jackass.

 

The most ridiculous incident was when she had her birthday party and I was home sick and couldn't go. She was out having fun with her friends and her s.o. and about an hour into the party I got a message saying "You sorry for not being here?" and something about how "everyone" was disappointed I couldn't make it. Sure, it might as well be that her friends like me enough to miss me, but somehow I doubt it.

 

Pathetic as it may sound, I just can't stop thinking about how happy I would be if we were together. I'm not even a very romantic person in general (I don't do relationships, I don't do romance and commitment scares me), she just... gets me. To a point where I really don't know what's best for me and I become a door mat.

 

So. What I'm asking is probably "what should I do with this"? Do I keep my amazing friendship with her and try to work things out even if it means I'm going to get hurt and getting over my feelings for her will be nearly impossible, or do I just tell her to get lost and get hurt for an entirely different reason?

 

(And excuse my English, it's not my first language. Or even my second.)

[cypresa]

Sorry for maybe a stupid question... but are you involved here with her in an sexual way? Do you hold hands when you're together? does she ever introduce you as her boyfriend to other people??

[ejr]

No, occasionally and people assume and she rarely corrects them.

 

And as for the first "no", asexuality is a funny thing. And makes the whole story a whole lot crazier. So yeah, in addition to the things I don't do, I also don't have sex. Or care about it. And neither does she. (I know it sounds weird to most people but it's normal to me, which is probably why I forgot to mention it in the first place. Haha.)

 

Sometimes I wish we were sexual people because that would pretty much solve everything (meaning that you are more likely to have sex with someone you're in a relationship with/have feelings for/just generally want than someone you just think of as a friend; no guessing games there. Well, theoretically.). But no, it's all crazy emotional stuff.

[Rearden Metal]

Your english is ridiculously good. Just letting you know.

 

I have no advice here, man. You seem incredibly well adjusted and probably know the answer a whole hell of a lot better than I do.

 

But I will ask: Have you EVER asked her to be more than a friend to you? I don't see that addressed above.

[ejr]

Actually, now that I think of it, I've never straight out asked her that. I've told her about how I feel but never, directly, said that I want something more. Huh. This is interesting.

 

And as a random side note: writing these things down like this and telling the whole story really does put things into perspective. I still can't figure out what I want to do with this, and any input is appreciated (unbiased opinions ftw!), but this has really cleared my head somewhat.

[DustySaltus]

EJR, were you having sex her at any point in the relationship?

 

 

The best way to move forward is to go complete NC with her (please read my signature). She is ABSOLUTELY treating you like a doormat and constant back up plan. That's the main theme throughout your entire story. You have to be ALL or NOTHING with someone like her. Explain this to her and then DISAPPEAR.

 

Honestly, if I were you though I would just move on. Woman like this will drive you crazy and never appreciate you the way they should.