Plagued by Confusion

[Unsure1981]

Background Info:

 

I have been dating my fiancée for over 11yrs, yes we were high school sweethearts. Are relationship for the most part has been wonderful. We do go through periods of time where we kind of get bored, when life becomes repetitive but that changes about as fast as Texas Weather if you know what I mean. We are to be married in April, so about a month a way. I found out last week that she has been seeing a coworker and she, has had a more than friend relationship with him for the past three months. We are both a little stressed out from the wedding, and I can not believe this is happening. I noticed a change in her during this time, but I thought this was cold feet syndrome.

 

The Discovery:

She was texting one night, and said she was communicating with her brother, which I had a feeling was a lie. I checked her text messages in the morning before I went to work, to my surprise there were several incriminating messages, each one breaking my heart a little more. I confronted her, she was honest about the whole thing and wanted to tell me, but was scared. She says that she wants to marry me, and was going to break off this extra relationship.

 

Conclusion:

I find it hard to go into a marriage, without trust, but the wedding is already in motion, (showers, gifts, invitations, etc.), I truly love her with all my heart, and want to move on thinking this was one mistake and this many years, and the pressure of a wedding has made me second guess one person for eternity. She said that she did not go all the way, but did sleep over at his place a couple of times and were physical. This is hard for me b/c I would never expect her to cheat on me, and now I have to make a decision for the rest of my life, in a very short time frame. On one hand, I feel that I can forgive her, and we could be happy forever, but I’m afraid, on the wedding day, I might see the woman that cheated on me and not my wife.

Edited March 8, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BB07]

I think you know in your heart that you need to call off the wedding. A wedding day is just a day, but to be married is supposed to be for the rest of your life. You have a major problem here and to continue on with the wedding is very foolhardy and you will regret it down the road. Stop the wedding, then start figuring out if your relationship can be fixed.

[lostsunsets]

Don't do it you will regret if forever. She did not confess to you. You found out. That means she would still be seeing him. Next she says she didn't have sex. Want to find out? Polygraph test. Tell her that you have set one up for this week. Tell her you need to find out exactly how far she went. She will probably confess to more. If you don't do this you will be wondering and kicking yourself. Your eyes are open. I would dump her regardless but apparently you need the polygraph to prove it. Please listen to the council you are getting here.

[lkjh]

Do not marry her, that will be the biggest mistake of your life. Also you can be pretty sure that there is a lot to this story that you have not heard yet. Believe it or not but this is a blessing. You found out before it was too late.

 

She has to see that there are consequences for her actions. Do not let her off easy. '

[in_absentia]

Dude, don't do it! Why would you marry a cheat?! Like someone else said, a wedding day is just a day. The day after, and theoretically the rest of your LIFE you'll be with someone who has taken you for a ride and disrespects you.

 

Call off the wedding, if anyone needs to know why then be honest! She has done this, not you.

[Bryanp]

Absolutely call off the wedding. This is a no brainer. She has been staying nights over another man's place getting physical and the relationship has been going on for over 3 months while your are engaged and shortly before a wedding in the next month. If she is cheating on you right before the wedding you can almost guarantee it that she will cheat after you are married. A few months before the wedding is stressful but it should be one of your happiest times thinking of getting married to the one you love.

 

What is it that she does: She starts up a relationship for 3 month before the wedding with another guy lying and cheating behind your back. She even admits to spending NUMEROUS nights at his place getting physical but not going all the way? If you believe she did not have sex with this guy then you are out of your mind and I have a bridge to sell you. I doubt if the roles were reversed she would even consider marrying you. I don't mean to be harsh but don't be an idiot. She has clearly shown you her true colors. If you marry her then you really are in a fog. If you are still foolish enough to marry her then you must demand an STD test from her.

 

Gee she was scared to tell you that she was messing around for the past 3 months. I wonder why. She has totally disrespected and humiliated in the worst possible way right before your wedding. She has had no problem lying to your face and seeing someone behind your back. I guess she is pretty good at this since you didn't even know she was spending nights at her other boyfriend's place. By the way, a cheating spouse never and I mean never tells you the full truth at the beginning when they are caught. She has played you for a total fool and if you go on and marry her then she is clearly correct about you. She is a real piece of work.

[troggleputty]

Unsure:

 

Wow.

 

You feel sad but you sure are lucky you found out about this a month before the wedding rather than a month after the wedding.

 

The wedding is nothing, it must be cancelled, gifts can be returned, etc etc. It will cost some money but this is not about the money.

 

If anyone asks why tell them the truth: "My ex was cheating on me with another man." Yes I said ex. Do not give her another chance, she will just use you and cheat on you again and again and again. She's a liar and a deceiver.

 

You know the song "Bad Blood" by Neil Sedaka, it fits women like your ex to a "T." Read the lyrics on the internet.

 

And, I agree she must have been having full-on sex with the co-worker, it's ridiculous for her to pretend otherwise.

 

Also, only a hardened cheat would be able to cheat on their fiance on the verge of the wedding.

 

I am quite sure in your 11 year relationship she has cheated on you before, many many times. People follow patterns of behavior; no one suddenly becomes a cheat at the last minute, right before the wedding.

 

Again, count yourself lucky, cancel the wedding, do NOT give this woman another chance, she is permanently damaged goods.

[mark982]

unsure, do not marry this girl!!! this would be the BIGGEST mistake of your life. i was in the same boat as you in the early 80's. caught her right before we were to be married, like a azzhole i married her anyways. yep--- 8 months later caught her again. can't figure out why you're even thinking about possible still marring her. end the missery now, you really don't think she didn't boink him do you?

[jnj express]

As everyone here has said---put this wedding off---You can always tie yourself up legally later, do not get into a legal tie-up with someone you are now not sure of.------

 

What I would want to know is where has her mind gone to. She is allegedly in love with you----she sleeps in another mans bed---that is not an indication of true love. Those in love do not do that. Had you not discovered what was going on, what was going to happen, was she gonna cheat on you right into the mge.

 

Your wedding day would be something else, as you gaze into each others eyes----to have and to hold forever----I wonder who she would be thinking about as she says these words and looks you in the eyes.

 

She has disrespected you completely----she has shown by her actions what she will do if life gets boring with you----run away from her as fast as you can.

[jnj express]

One more thing----do not ever think what she did was a mistake---adding 2 and 2 and getting 5 is a mistake------

 

what she did was planned deception----she lied to you, manipulated you and was probably willing to take her conniving deception to the grave had she been able to

 

You can cancel the wedding and give back the gifts-----Do not get married at this point----believe me you will have a cloud over your relationship for who knows how long, and things will just deteriorate

[reservoirdog1]

I agree with the others -- call off the wedding.

 

First of all, what she did wasn't a "mistake". The only way her cheating could have even approached the definition of a mistake -- and it never gets there entirely -- would be if she'd been drunk and it had happened once, after which she'd come clean with you.

 

Secondly, the likelihood that she didn't have sex with him is slim to none. Keep in mind, she didn't come clean of her own volition -- you busted her. Also, cheaters almost NEVER give the full truth, especially when they're caught. The only info you have about whether she actually had sex with him or not is what she tells you. And she has already deceived you for months.

 

Thirdly, a marriage is supposed to start on a beautiful, mutual high note. Yours will be starting with massive betrayal. Marriage has a notoriously crappy track record as a cure-all for relationship problems, whatever they may be. It will not give you the blank slate or fresh start you so desperately (and quite understandably) want. Try to picture yourself taking your vows at your wedding, looking into her eyes, trying to say "I do", and suddenly having it all overshadowed by the memory that she was probably slobbering on another guy's knob only weeks earlier. (Sorry to be graphic, but it's better that you're thinking like that NOW, rather than on your wedding day.)

 

Fourthly -- yes, people will be inconvenienced if the wedding is called off. Arrangements will need to be cancelled, gifts returned, guests notified, etc. People will be surprised and shocked. But I can almost guarantee you that NOBODY would think badly of you for cancelling your wedding in circumstances like these. Only you can decide whether and who you tell the full reason to (which begs the question of whether you should stay in the relationship at all). But a cancellation in these circumstances is completely reasonable.

[jnj express]

It may well be she has been with this guy a lot longer than 3 mths, You just don't say "oh today we are starting an affair"---Your fiance and her lover probably spent a lot longer time period, flirting, touching, being together at work. You really don't know how long they have been together.

 

I would like to ask you why it took 11 years for the 2 of you to finally tie the knot----It is like you have already have been married, and you are really just making things official. How do you know for sure she hasn't been with others thru this 11 year period.----Also do you live together, if so how is it she was able to spend the night with her lover, and not come home to you

 

Just way to many red flags waving at you, as to starting a mge. If you are madly in love with her still and must stay with her, at the least just keep things as they are while you try to sort out your mind, do not get married at this point.

 

You have asked us to help you out, we have, It would be nice if you would kindly keep us posted as to what is happening in your situation, and what your thinking is.

[newyorkjets]

Perhaps you should hold off the wedding in an attempt to fix these problems. No matter what, I'd say April is too soon to decide whether you'd want to spend your life with this person. Maybe therapy or something, get the whole truth first though, and work from there.