Els Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 (edited) Brief history - been together for 2 years, the majority of it LD. He just left about a week ago for his final year in med school. I plan to go to his place after I graduate in the middle of this year - his country allows people from mine to go there for 6 months on a 'working holiday' scheme, and that's what I plan to do. It all seemed nearly perfect - not only do I get to be with him, but I get to work at the same time (albeit only in menial temporary jobs such as waitressing, reception, fruitpicking, etc), see a new place, gain some life experience to help me decide what to do in the future, and speak to the professors in the universities there, maybe even get a small start freelancing in a magazine or newspaper company like I always dreamed of. Well, my dear parents threw a huge hoo-haa about it. I am their only child and they are terribly overprotective, controlling, and hardcore Christians, even though they do love me greatly in their own way, and pamper me like a poodle. I have had a lot of trouble in my life with them - they set insane restrictions and are just terrified to the point of paranoia over the possibility of anything bad happening to me. E.g. I could never go out with male classmates alone because they were afraid I'd be raped, I couldn't come home after 8pm because they were afraid something would happen to me, etc. But they would do anything for me - one night at 4am when I came down with a bit of a fever, I sent a message to my dad's phone to ask if he could pick me up on the way to work the next day so I could see a doctor. He didn't even wait til the next day, he got up and came immediately. Well, as I was crying to the bf about it later, I said that I was afraid if I went against their wishes, they may severe ties with me and not sponsor my Masters later (they had agreed to sponsor it as long as it is a Masters, and in a field related to my degree). And that is practically the only way I can get out of my country (which is, frankly, a horrible third-world country which discriminates against our race) because my degree isn't recognized in any other countries. It is the only way to be with him as well, because he definitely isn't coming back to mine. He first told me that he would advise against me going for the working holiday if it would cause them to severe ties, because he fears I may not be able to handle the guilt, stress and abandonment. However, he added that if it really comes to the point where my parents refuse to pay for the Masters for whatever reason, when he starts work next year he will sponsor me for whatever course I want (not necessarily limited to a Masters in a related field as per my parents' condition) as long as it is affordable. He had mentioned that before in the past, but we had never really talked about it in-depth. I gently reminded him that it was entirely possible that we might break up along the way. In typical brutal honest fashion, he told me that while he couldn't promise that we'd never break up, he could promise me that he would fund me to the end of my course even if we did. He said that his concern for me exceeded that of only a relationship, and that even if we did not end up marrying, he just wanted to help me get out of my country, and my parents' restrictions. Honestly, this would possibly be the ideal solution, with the exception of my parents' heartbreak and the guilt levied upon me. I get to be with him in 2-3 months' time - and when my working holiday visa expires in December, he will have graduated. And if he is sponsoring my course I can follow him to wherever he will work, and I can also choose a course that I would really want to take. If my parents were to sponsor me, I would have to narrow my options to something they would approve of. While that is one of my possible choices, it's still unnecessary narrowing of my future career options, and it will also make it much harder to find a spot in a university close to him. For what it's worth, I believe he will fulfill his promise, bar exceptional circumstances (he doesn't get a job - very unlikely for medical graduates, or one of his family members falls seriously ill and needs astronomical medical bills, etc). In the 2 years we've been together, he has shown nothing less. In the 2 years in which I knew him prior to us being together and from his history, he has also shown nothing less. It does feel rather shaky, though, resting my future on a single man, and risking my parents cutting off ties with me. But also, frankly, I am sick and tired of catering to their baseless worries and rules. I am 24, and I can't come home after 8pm?! Seriously??? Almost every bit of freedom that I have wanted in life, I have had to fight them for - some things I did not succeed in, and I simply had to do it behind their backs. I have a boyfriend behind their backs, I go out with friends at night behind their backs, I play video games behind their backs. Why should I have to do this any more? But I am also inexperienced, sheltered, naive, pampered - and I really am not sure if I can make it in a foreign country on my own, should the worst happen. Also, I frankly think that if my bf and I do not end the distance within the year, we will not make it. It is just too difficult to arrange visits anymore, the situation is too harsh, we have been through too many bad spots to be able to take much more. Every single visit, we have had to literally jump through hoops and fight for - it has NEVER been as simple as just buying a plane ticket and coming. Every. Single. Visit. This year onwards, even communication will be difficult. My schedule and his will be such that we will barely have any time together. Even the little time we have together, he is always tired from 10-12 hours of training when he gets back, and he just doesn't feel like talking. From experience, I can totally relate. When I came back each day from my training while he was here, I didn't feel like talking either, but we didn't have to. We just sat there with our arms around each other and watched TV, and it was enough. But over a distance, talking is all we have. Also, he is the typical traditional Asian man - reminds me a lot of my grandfather, in fact. Not very talkative, doesn't feel like talking when he's stressed or tired or worried, doesn't do mushy demonstrations of affection or token gestures of love. But shows love in unmistakable, solid ways. Is incredibly thrifty and stingy with himself, but spends on extremely expensive plane rides to see me, and when he is here, insists on bringing me for nice dinners and spending money on me. He knows that my parents give me a piss-poor allowance, and many a time I have caught him sneaking notes into my wallet even though he himself isn't too well off, because I wouldn't accept his direct offers of money. He went for his internship every day when he was sick, but when I was sick he took the day off to drive me to a doctor. And the way he held me in his arms, when I was crying at the airport... And so many other things, that I don't have the space nor time to list here. But basically, he's a great, great guy... just sucky at verbal communication and at LDRs in general. Long-winded, I know, but the gist of it is - should I go for the working holiday, regardless of what my parents say? Even if I don't go and we make it through the year LD, I may not be able to go to the same place as he if I take my parents' sponsorship for a Masters and narrow my options to their requirements. Edited March 7, 2010 by Elswyth
aerogurl87 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Elswyth I know how you feel, my parents are SUPER conservative. The other day my mom watched that movie Taken (girl goes to Europe and gets kidnapped) and my mom said she fears that's what will happen if I take a plane somewhere, that or another 911. Yeah, overprotective much, but whatever. With that said, my parents have threatened to kick me out of my house if I go somewhere else again without their consent and you know what, I say "screw it" I'm 20 and if I want to go somewhere and I'm the one paying for it, then I'm gonna go. Sometimes you just have to stand up to your parents, I know I do. So if it were me and I knew I loved my boyfriend and he was the man I wanted to marry, I'd go take the work holiday. True love rarely happens in life and your parents will not disown you forever if they really love you. Sometimes you have to take chances in life and hope for the best.
Author Els Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 I know I love him, but I'm also practical enough to understand that there is no guarantee that we will remain together in the future.
aerogurl87 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I know I love him, but I'm also practical enough to understand that there is no guarantee that we will remain together in the future. Love isn't always practical as much as I wish it was, and basically there are barely any 100% guarantees in life. Hence why I said sometimes you have to take a chance.
Author Els Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Ah, yes, that is true. However, to be honest, our relationship has also been through pretty rough times. I think you read my post about him nearly giving up once when things got really bad? That's why I'm not as confident about it working out as I could be - on the one hand, if our situation just becomes less horrible, we might stand a good chance at making it... but on the other hand, so much has to be paid to make the situation less horrible. But I totally identify with that feeling - crap, I'm 24, I've graduated... and if I stay home, they're gonna continue bugging me because they're at least minorly dissatisfied with everything I do anyway (why can't you sleep earlier? Why must you eat in your room? Can't you just take 10 minutes every morning to do devotion? Why can't you be more active in church?)
aerogurl87 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Ah, yes, that is true. However, to be honest, our relationship has also been through pretty rough times. I think you read my post about him nearly giving up once when things got really bad? That's why I'm not as confident about it working out as I could be - on the one hand, if our situation just becomes less horrible, we might stand a good chance at making it... but on the other hand, so much has to be paid to make the situation less horrible. But I totally identify with that feeling - crap, I'm 24, I've graduated... and if I stay home, they're gonna continue bugging me because they're at least minorly dissatisfied with everything I do anyway (why can't you sleep earlier? Why must you eat in your room? Can't you just take 10 minutes every morning to do devotion? Why can't you be more active in church?) Yeah I read your earlier posts. Lol, I think your parents may be clones of mine, haha. My mom is always getting on me about why don't I get up earlier in the morning when I'm off work, why won't I participate at church more, why don't I spend time watching tv with her and my dad. Anyway, I see how that could make you less secure about you two's future. When someone backs out when things get really bad, you start to wonder, what will they do if the same thing happens again? That's natural and a good thing to wonder actually, instead of going into the future blind. But at the same time, I think you should talk to him about it maybe. Tell him (in so many words) that him almost giving up in the past kind of shook your faith in him.Have a really good heart to heart conversation with him and see what he says. If he listens and is understanding I'd say you have a 70% chance that things will work out, if he gets offended and defensive I'd say you have a 70% chance he'll walk next time things get hard again. Just my opinion.
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