Doing NC but not getting results

[Tinkerbelll]

Hi loveshakers, I' ve been a way for some time, I was just living a fantastic love story with him.

I met him almost one year ago, we began dating..and it was everything just too perfect. He said he never felt for someone what he was feeling for me, we were just the perfect couple people would dream about.

He was extremely caring, and would do anything to make me happy.

I could stay here for hours to tell all the good memories I keep in my heart, but I am not here to share with you what once went good.

I would like to have some advice on the situation, which of course it's extremely though right now.

To sum up, we had issues.. basically, he 's proactiv, he would love to make a lot of activities during week days and weekends, while sometimes I was just to tired to think about partying and going out. I have a job very far from home, and I have 4 hours train a day to go to work, no wonder I am quite tired when I come back.

We tried to work things out, sometimes we manage to find (temporarily) a way, the last time we didn't.

It was 1 one month ago that we had our final argument: he was willing to go skying on his own, I was angry since it was our only day to be together.

I left from the house, and we agreed to stay apart for some time.

One week later, on San Valentine, I hoped we would reach me for a reconciliation: I just received a text at 11 pm stating that he expected me to ask him out for San Valentine.

The following day I went to his home to bring my belongings: we both cried realizing it was over.

On the following days, he sent me some mail stating that the decision was fair, but it was difficult and he hoped we could be friends.

I said NO e informed that I was committing to No Contact.

No news from him for some time: I had him on the FB and could see he was having a great time without me, loading pics of him partying with mutual, or so I thought, friends etc already the first night we split.

Other pics with him skying (which was eventually the reason we definetely broke up) saying how wonderful it was, and the messages with ex's etc..

A friend of mine informed me that from the very beginnings of the breakup he showed at bars with others girls.

He himself called a closed friend of mine to tell him that those girls were only friends, but that he was having a great time, hanging around and partying every night.

I finally deleted him from the FB : he texted me and sent me a nasty email by saying that he hadn't done anything to me that could lead to me deleting and blocking him. He also assured me that he was not going to be willing to go back with me.

I never asnswered, also because a part of me thought that he was playing games to show me that he was already over me by loading the pics and everything.

So I was sticking to NC, a month has gone.

Since he got no answers for the text and the email, he then called again this friend of mine saying him again that he was having a very great time, drinking and going out etc..and that again we would never get back to our relationship, because even if he cared for me he didn't want to stay with anybody and just be single.

He then said him I was not answering his texts and that he would like to hang out and have a drink with me sometimes.

As you can imagine, this made me feel completely worthless, as if I've been only just a mistake.

Last night I spotted him in a bar, I am almost sure he saw me and he appeared to me weak and broken.

So the question are:

Is it possible that the great time is allegedly having is just a way to punish me for ending the relationship?

Is it possible that he is overdrinking because he's just suffering?

At the end, is it possible that it is just pride, even in in the past he tried very harder to work things out between us, that is preventing him to go back?

We leave in a small town and it's hard to keep NC..I should stay home or go out with my friends even if I can run into him from one moment to another?

[Rearden Metal]

This is a tough one. But he's said to people that he's not going to go back to you, and you seem to be holding out for that. I think you have to let him reach out to you first. He has to want to talk to you and not just "have a drink and catch up".

[Tinkerbelll]

I was with some friend, I just said politely "Hallo". He seemed to me very uncomfortable..was he angry with me or just embarassed by the situation, I don't know.

I also saw him with some other girls, but I just didn't care that much.

In any case, I didn't see him as happy as he's been saying around lately..

That gave me at least the chance to know that I was not a total mistake in his life.

I am wondering if it's definetely over now.

[Drummergirl_23]

It seems like he wants a reaction from you. I think subconsciously, even if you break up with someone, you want them to feel a little crappy so you know that you have the upper-hand and so forth. I say don't play his game, be cordial but brief if you see him and go about your business as usual. Smile! Have fun with you're friends! Don't think about this loser. I mean, he's having YOUR friends relay messages to you about how great he's doing? That's just silly and childish. Continue about your business and if he really does want you back he will reach out to you. Then if you actually want to consider taking him back in spite of his immaturity, that will be your decision. I wouldn't if I were you though.

[Tinkerbelll]

Thank you.

I have been reading your comments with attention and they match what almost everbody said me.

So is it just this, what is left? Just immaturity and childness? There's nothing left, only bitterness. And ashes?

I would really like to know that.

I would like to think about it a phase of the breakup.

[sativo]

I'm not sure I get this situation...

 

You broke up with him -- for going skiing without you -- right?

 

You invoked NC straight away.

 

Now you're wondering what "his" deal is?

 

Sounds to me that he is doing the right thing, which is keeping himself busy and distracted so he can move on. Not to be hard on you, but I'm not sure what you're expecting him to do?

 

I'm sure he is suffering (whether he shows it or not). Is that what you want to know?

 

Anyway, if you broke it off with him, you have the power here. So I'm just confused about what you're looking for from this forum.

[Tinkerbelll]

This is the matter!

 

Yes, I broke up with him, but it was his choice to be apart from me, don't forget about it.

 

I asked him for some time to spend apart to make up our minds.

 

One week later, we both agreed we didn't want to stay in that relationship anymore. It was MUTUAL then.

 

Anyway, I was speechless when I noticed him putting straight away lots of pics on his profile partying etc..I thought that we could be friends in the future, but that seemed to me a total lack of respect towards me and that' s why I deleted him from IM, FB etc..

 

He is doing his best to make me feel bad, and that is what I cannot stand: he didn't asked for a second chance, his only message has been that he's happy now without me.

 

I feel he's hurting me with no reason, since he's been saying everybody that he wouldn't go back with me.

 

Of course, if you ask me, I had hoped in the pasta that staying apart would help him to realize that he was willing to stay with me, which didn't happen.

 

Now I am just asking, is he's not going back because of his pride?

If he's clear that he doesn't want to stay with me anymore, why hurting me with no purpose?

He used to be a good guy, and he once told me he never felt in love with anybody except from me.

[sativo]

I can't speak for anyone, 'cause I don't really know the situation, but in general, it seems like he's trying to get your attention.

 

You guys broke up over a power struggle -- at least by your description of it. So whether it's an explicit ultimatum (as in your case) or an implicit one (as in his case), you both seem like you're looking for the other to apologize and change.

 

In his mind, he is probably waiting for you to come running back and let him know you made a mistake. Seems to me, breaking up with him 'cause he wanted to go skiing is a bit odd -- but who am I to say? My ex broke up with me 'cause I wouldn't do stuff like that with her, which is the complete opposite of your situation. At least he didn't force you to go with him and complain that you wouldn't.

 

Anyway, in your mind, you're probably looking for him to run back to you and tell you he made a mistake?

 

Either way, the way he's acting sounds like he's hurt and is looking to get a rise out of you.

 

My advice would be... if you're looking to move on, then just move on. Try not to worry about what he's doing. You're free now.

 

But if you're not ready to move on, you may want to re-think why the break-up happened. Could you have been more understanding of him? You say the break-up was mutual, but really, you initiated it. He just took the ball and ran with it. If you are regretting that you broke up, you might want to share that with him.

[Tinkerbelll]

So, honestly, are suggesting to break NC?

 

What if I call, and he just confirm me that he's doing great and he would never go back? Do you think I could handle it?

 

Furthermore, that would mean going back at his terms, alias to do whatever he wants regardless of being in a relationship with me.

[Drummergirl_23]

Tinkerbell,

 

If you feel that you want to be with this person with all your heart and it was YOU who initiated the break-up, then I think its ok for you to contact him. Who actually mentioned breaking up for good? Did you say something like "I think we should break up permanently" and he just agreed or what? He may have just been following your lead and not protesting because of his pride. Maybe he wanted you to fight for the relationship?? I dunno, I wish I new more details. If you love this man and you believe you made a mistake, swallow your pride and try to repair the damage. You'll never really know how he truly feels unless you talk to him. Maybe this time apart you've had has made him understand what he's losing and it sounds like maybe you are re-evaluating what you stand to lose too.

[sativo]

Well, I guess it comes down to what "his terms" are. Can you live with his terms, or not?

 

Honestly, from what you've described, his terms don't seem unreasonable. I mean, there should be balance in any relationship. He should try to make time for you... but you should also let him have time for himself.

 

Sometimes that stuff goes out of balance, and having healthy discussions about that is in order. But arguing and breaking up seems a bit extreme to me.

 

Anyway, back to the question of NC. If you feel like you can live with his terms and that he's worth it, then yes, I'd say breaking NC is reasonable.

 

I would just let him know how you feel. That you love him and that you wish you could get back together, but that you would like x,y,z to change in the relationship. See what he says. You might be surprised.

 

If he's a jerk about it and says he doesn't want to get back together, then go back to NC. Let him stew.

[Tinkerbelll]

No way I am going back. I am just not that brave.

 

I could do it if the signals he would give were that he is having a bad time, that he's still in love with me.

 

Truth is that is been saying around that he's just fine, having a great time.

 

He also wrote me that he wants a happy life, with no arguments.

 

I also saw him a couple of days ago, he pretty ignored me and just tried to make me jealous by talking with other girls.

 

Breaking NC is not going to work. Worst, it could be leading to a devastating disappointement.

[sativo]

Your call. But it seems like your pride is what's getting in the way here. Good luck.

[Tinkerbelll]

It's fear of rejection.

[sativo]

Well, I guess it comes down to what's worse: losing him or losing face?

[Tinkerbelll]

Well Sativo, I read tour story: so why dont' you go for lunch with her since she has tried to open again?

Why you don't want to hear what she has to say to you? I am just asking but I think we both are afraid of huge desappointement.

I am a mess, believe me..with this state of mind, I am going nowhere.

[sativo]

Maybe I didn't understand something about your situation. In my case, she broke up with me. Also, I tried to win her back and have been back and forth with her. I certainly have no fear of her rejecting me... as she has done it in the past. She's made herself clear.

 

What I'm afraid of is that I'm knocking on the wrong door. At some point, I need to face facts.. and that is that she's not into me. She doesn't want me back. And I deserve better than that.

 

I'm under the impression that your case is a little different. I could be wrong, so don't hold it against me. But a) you initiated the break up b) he's not blowing you off c) you haven't tried to talk to him and tell him you want him back.

 

Am I wrong?

[Tinkerbelll]

I'm afraid too that I would be knocking on the wrong door..

 

a) you initiated the break up

Yes, but only because he would like to spend his time doing others things than sharing it with me (facts), not because I didn't have

 

b) he's not blowing you off

No, he told that he would like to stay friends and hang out sometimes (he never asked me for a secon chance)

 

c) you haven't tried to talk to him and tell him you want him back.

How could I? He's been fooling around with friends and other girls from the very beginning, humiliating me.

 

I read here all the time stories of people who desperately try to reconnect with the partner, that's not my case.

 

I would love to post in the Second Chances, but truth is that he's moving, even if he's trying his best to make me hurt.

 

In your case, I understand that she left you for somebody else.

That must be hell..

And yes, it would take a lot more to get back with you after all..But you see, everybody's different: I am considered to be strong, but the truth it is that I couldn't handle to be rejected.

Thank anyway.

[Drummergirl_23]

I think you know what you want. I don't think you want him, but you want him to pine for you. You seem to be content with the break-up, aside from the fact that he doesn't appear to be all that torn up about it. I may be wrong.

[Tinkerbelll]

Unfortunately, you are wrong.

I miss him like..I just can't find the words.

[Drummergirl_23]

Well then the point is YOU have to make the move since you are the one who ended things. He is not going to come beg you for another chance. What do we tell people on this site when someone dumps them?? Let them come to you! Perhaps he is waiting for you to come around and if you don't at least give it a shot, you'll never know! I say swallow your pride and go for it if he's truly what you want!!!

[Tinkerbelll]

Breakup was MUTUAL..

And maybe he was just looking forward to it.

Evidence is that he never questioned it.

I am setting myself for hude disappointment if I go back, signals he's sending is that he's having the best time of his life without me, who I seem to have been just a temporary mistake.

[mmk1]

I would not stay home on account of anyone, my ex included. I see mine business related from time to time. I keep my head up, smile on my face and say hi the rare times she slows down long enough. I personally think she looks hurt and like a jerk when she ignores me or walks past me.

 

I suggest you treat him the same and definitely quit worrying about what he's doing or how you think he's getting along. Its none of your concern as you have your own life to lead.

 

Have fun and do not give him second thought!

[name witheld]

Sounds like a power struggle to me.

No matter what is going on between you guys, these things rarely work out well so probably best just to cut losses now.

However, don't hink you are at that stage yet so maybe you should just meet up for a quiet drink and say lets talk about this like adults.

 

No need for either party to cimmit etc, just both be honest.

[sedgwick]

If two people are going to make a relationship work, they have to allow each other to have friends and lives outside the relationship. If he wants to go skiing with his friends, that's totally fine and normal, unless he never wants to do anything with you. Trying to possess someone fully usually pushes them away.