Jersey Shortie Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 OP, you are both sympathetic/defensive and critical of your brother. That's perfectly normal. But you also see what is going on. Sometimes when you are in the mix of a relationship, you do not always see things clearly. You see it differently being you have no emotions invested. Either say something to your brother, or saying something to this girl. You *can* try to help the situation. Frankly, your brother sounds like a spoiled child. It doesn't matter how successful his business is. Or how hot he is. Infact, I have always personally been automatically turned off by men that while might be attractive, have huge egos and ideas of self-importance. A man isn't a man because he can bang alot of hot girls and make tons of money. A man becomes a man when he can act with responsiblity, respect and leadership toward others. Not something your brother is exactly show casing right now. You are also right that he might end up marrying her. HUGE percentage of people settle so why not him. I also am appalled at the number of people that think that he is an a## just by reading this. He is actually a genuinely nice and intelligent guy. I hope he finds someone that he is 100% happy with. He has a lot to offer and should be with someone who has equally as much to offer. Oh no you're not appalled. You also think he is partly an a## for his behavior too. Hence the reason you started this thread to begin with. Just because he is nice to you and his friends or business partners, doesn't mean he is always a nice guy. He clearly isn't always nice if he can treat this girl like this. And that's not to say she doesn't have her own responsibilty to herself, but he does as well. Even when you said: "He literally has to be mean and kick her out when he wants to go out with his friends on some Saturday nights. " You are justifying his meaness to another human being just so he can be happy. He doesn't have to be mean. He can choose to be a man and treat another person with respect.
txsilkysmoothe Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I am also actively looking to trade up (but she doesn't know that)." I think the above from your original post may be what sparks criticism of your brother.
Left in a Lurch Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I think the interesting part is I bet she knows 10 guys that consider her an 8 and would be great for her but she would never want them because unlike your brother they would treat her like a 10 and not a 6.
meerkat stew Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I don't see where the brother is a villain. He is -telling- her expressly that he doesn't want a relationship with her. A user would be blowing sunshine up her tail at least to an extent. Moreover there are many people who aren't happy unless they are constantly striving to win someone over, and it isn't necessarily an issue of low self esteem. This woman could have a submissive kink for all we know. I see as many women chasing men in relationships as men chasing women, and ironically, some of the best marriages among friends have been a couple where one started chasing and the other was almost completely disinterested at first. It's a long shot but some people aren't happy unless they are playing those long odds. Finally, many people poor-mouth relationships they are in as being "not so serious" because they don't like being talked about among their family and friends. Brother is prime marriage eligible and may not want his family pressing him, holding his cards close to the vest. Just another possibility.
ADF Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I am not talking about physical abuse. That is different and not a subject I know much about so I would like to leave it out. You can say that if a woman has a low self-esteem and is being treated badly by men, then it's up to her to fix her self-esteem. As for cheating, if a woman stays after discovering infidelity, she is no longer a victim if it happens again. Well, I definately agree about the cheating part. But I wasn't talking strictly about physical abuse, either. Physical abuse gets a lot of attention because it is so visible (as well as legally actionable). However, men who beat women abuse them in all sorts of other ways as well. The beating is just the most obvious 10% of it; the other 90% is pyschological/emotional manipulation and abuse. I work in a family law firm and see this all the time. I've never seen a battered women who hadn't also psychologically abused. Not once.
Devil Dog Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I have a brother who is 28 years old. He says that he is looking to get married and have kids soon and he has been dating a nice girl for about 6 months now. They get along well and I have met her. She is a bit too quiet and eager to please for my taste but otherwise she is very nice, genuine and kind. It is also obvious that she is head over heels in love with my brother. I asked my brother if he thinks he will marry her one day. This was his reply (I kid you not): "I like her personality and she is very affectionate. But I could never marry her because she is just not good looking enough. She is about a 6 out of 10* and I would like to marry an 8 or above. If she were an 8, I would be proposing already". I also asked him if this girl has any clue that he is not that serious about her. He said: "Well, we are exclusive but I don't want to call her a girlfriend so we are not bf/gf, even though she is pushing for that. Also, I don't call her that much and she initiates most contact but we do spend about 3 days a week together (with sleepovers). I am also actively looking to trade up (but she doesn't know that)." It kind of amazes me what the hell goes through this girl's head. She is probably wondering why my bro/her "bf" is hot and cold and doesn't want a real relationship. I bet that the thought that she is not good looking enough and not an 8, doesn't even cross her mind. She probably thinks that at this point in a R, it's not about looks. It just goes to show that you never what the other person is thinking and why they are acting distant or whatever. Sigh. I'd tell him, "Hurry up and marry her then, because you're only a 5 out of 10".
Twenty-ten Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 It's amazing how many women are coming down hard on the OP, it's not the OP's job to open her brother's girlfriend's eyes up. It is women's own job to do that, if you sense you are being used you probably are. And I don't find what this guy is doing so far fetched there are tons of men who think and act this way, their actions don't lie. The fact that we sometimes don't want to read the actions for what they are is no one's fault but our own, and this can apply to both women and men. SandandConfused, your brother is a prick, with no integrity muscles and all. I know he is your brother and you prob don't want to hear that but let's call a spade a spade. I think that people who use others are low. Just because someone is willing to let themselves be used doesn't mean you have to be the one to do that, it still makes you, the user, a lowlife.
Twenty-ten Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 And another thing, he may think he deserves an 8 because he thinks he looks like and 8 or 9 and he might, but his confidence is that of a 2. No person who knows they are an 8 or 9 wastes their time with someone who it truly beneath them. Which goes to show you that some people can work on the outside all they want but they will always be inferior on the inside. Food for thought.
CandyGirlXO Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I am sort of confused here. Clarify for me please so that I can get a better understanding of their "relationship" You said in your first post that you have met her but then in one of your last post you said that he has NEVER introduced her to his family/friends even though she has asked numerous times. What I am wondering is if he is being deceitful. If this girl does infact know that this in ONLY a FWB relationship then he is definately NOT to blame. But something tells me she thinks this is something more. Your post said "He wants to trade-up but she doesn't know that" so does this girl really know his true intentions?
Ruby Slippers Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I also asked him if this girl has any clue that he is not that serious about her. He said: "Well, we are exclusive but I don't want to call her a girlfriend so we are not bf/gf, even though she is pushing for that. Also, I don't call her that much and she initiates most contact but we do spend about 3 days a week together (with sleepovers). I am also actively looking to trade up (but she doesn't know that)." He has told her (in actions, not words) everything she needs to know: 1. "I don't want to call you a girlfriend." 2. He does not initiate most contact = "I'm not that stoked to see you; I can take you or leave you." He's just not that into her. That she is blind to this is nobody's fault but her own.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 No, she's still a victim, even if she refuses to do anything about it. Victim doesn't mean "I can't do anything at all about this situation and have no power to fix it." She might still be a victim, but by her own actions by staying with him. She is not a victim in the sense of poor me, he is cheating again, and I am the victim of his behavior. She is the victim of HER own behavior by not leaving him.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 He has told her (in actions, not words) everything she needs to know: 1. "I don't want to call you a girlfriend." 2. He does not initiate most contact = "I'm not that stoked to see you; I can take you or leave you." He's just not that into her. That she is blind to this is nobody's fault but her own. 100% agreed. If I was treated like that, I would be out the door a long time ago. That is why I refuse to see her as a victim.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 I am sort of confused here. Clarify for me please so that I can get a better understanding of their "relationship" You said in your first post that you have met her but then in one of your last post you said that he has NEVER introduced her to his family/friends even though she has asked numerous times. What I am wondering is if he is being deceitful. If this girl does infact know that this in ONLY a FWB relationship then he is definately NOT to blame. But something tells me she thinks this is something more. Your post said "He wants to trade-up but she doesn't know that" so does this girl really know his true intentions? He sort of had no choice bu to introduce me to her. I came to his place unannounced (we do this all the time) and she was there. It's no big deal, since his house is on 3 levels, so I usually hang out on the upper level and let them be together in piece. My mum and dad haven't met her at all.
DustySaltus Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 (edited) I was with a 9 physically for 6 years. I was engaged to a 9.5 The girl I was supposed to be with was probably a 7 but her personailty was a 10. At one point I thought the way the OP's brother did and I paid the price for it. Edited March 8, 2010 by DustySaltus
threebyfate Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 If looks trumps head and shoulders above every other criteria for a partner, you get what you pay for. Having said that, it's no wonder he doesn't respect his current doormat girlfriend. Your brother is a "grass is greener" kind of guy. He'll pay the price, sooner or later.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 I think that even though he says that it is 100% looks, it is at least partly the fact that she is a doormat (he might not even realize this, but on subconscious level she is devaluing herself in his eyes).
Chicago_Guy Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Troggleputty, WOW, your post is right on the money. My bro is not only VERY good looking (and much better than a 6) but he is a successful business owner that makes middle to high 6 figures annually and owns a huge house plus drives a kick ass car. Now, he IS somewhat immature, but by most women's standards he also IS the prize. His problems is that he lacks self confidence and he only ever goes out with women that approach him, and those are the women that not on par with him. Women that are very beautiful generally don't need to approach men first as there will be plenty of men approaching them. As for this girl, yes she has pushed herself into seeing him 3 days a week. He was only comfortable in spending a day per week with her and she would pretty much come to his house on Friday and then make excuses why she can't leave until Monday. He literally has to be mean and kick her out when he wants to go out with his friends on some Saturday nights. He is still with her because he is afraid that if he lets go, he won't be able to find anyone else (low self confidence is his biggest mental block). You are also right that he might end up marrying her. HUGE percentage of people settle so why not him. I also am appalled at the number of people that think that he is an a## just by reading this. He is actually a genuinely nice and intelligent guy. I hope he finds someone that he is 100% happy with. He has a lot to offer and should be with someone who has equally as much to offer. If your brother is really as attractive as you claim he is, then he probably doesn't have to do much to get a more attractive woman. There are probably women who show their interest when he is out, but maybe he cannot read their body language or doesn't realize when women are flirting with him.
Ilovehim Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 ok first let me say that looks ARE important..but that doesnt excuse ur brother ebing a dick!! i would never want a guy to date me if he didnt think i was beautiful, a good girl and the wifey material..honestly why waste someone's time?? how would he like it if he met a girl that he was crazy in love with and she thought he was ugly?? come on honestly, this post is freaking rediculous! dont be with someone if u dont think they're good enough for you. Period. you'll be doing yourself and that persona huge favor.
Ilovehim Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 and how can you say he is genuinely a nice guy and ur shocked that most people think he's an ass just by reading this? i hope you're more mature than that. I'm not saying your brother is a bad guy, all i'm saying is he is IMMATURE for being with someone and saying they're not up to his standards. I'm sure you don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't valorate you and find you good looking enough. he's not wrong for finding her a 6 and for not wanting to really be with her; after all we all have our opinions. HOWEVER he is wrong for stringing her along. and he might be good-looking according to you. (again not to be rude but we all have our types and one person's trash is another person's treasure) so this whole thing about your brother being "the price" might not be as accurate. personality comes first and just by reading this, i'm turned off. a man knows what he wants and goes after it. confidence is a BIG deal and being a grown MANLY, intelligent, HONEST, know what he wants and goes after it, REAL & NOT FAKE are what make someone "the price", not the $$ in his bank account and the kind of car he drives.
sweetjasmine Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 She might still be a victim, but by her own actions by staying with him. She is not a victim in the sense of poor me, he is cheating again, and I am the victim of his behavior. She is the victim of HER own behavior by not leaving him. Yeah, I agree that she's also a victim of her own behavior as well as his. And again, it's up to her to leave.
aerogurl87 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 If looks trumps head and shoulders above every other criteria for a partner, you get what you pay for. Having said that, it's no wonder he doesn't respect his current doormat girlfriend. Your brother is a "grass is greener" kind of guy. He'll pay the price, sooner or later. I couldn't agree more. All of my exes that I had either a serious or semi-serious relationship with were probably to the average person between a 4 and 6 on the looks scale, while most would probably consider me to be a 8 or 9. But when it came down to it, I'd rather have the person who makes me smile and treats me good over someone who looks good but is too self absorbed to realize how great it is to have me as their partner. In the grand scheme of things, looks aren't everything, but personality pretty much is.
Stung Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I really just find it appalling that people reduce those of the opposite sex into a mere number when it comes to deciding if their good enough for them or not. I cringe every time I see it in the forums here. Me too. Sorry, OP, but your brother sounds like an asshat. Granted, the girl is presumably an adult and therefore needs to take responsibility for her own life and stop being such a doormat, but your brother should also stop being a user and a guy who regards human beings as having numerical values. I haven't read the whole thread yet...but I hope you tell your brother that while you love him, you think his attitude about women needs an adjustment.
troggleputty Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 His problems is that he lacks self confidence Given all your bro. has going for him, his lack of self confidence is a complete mystery. Was he a middle child?
gypsy_nicky Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 OP, sorry to say this but you are not a good objective judge on how your brother looks. He's your brother. We tend to hold those close to us in high esteem. I think your brother is too overconfident (arrogant) in the way he looks. I think he and his GF are equal in the looks department. He wants to trade up because he thinks he looks better. Once again I'm going to state, you cannot objectively judge your brother.
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