MizzBella Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Hopefully some men will reply to this post to give me some insight. My boyfriend is in his 30s, educated, smart, very attractive, and lots of fun. He has solid Christian values (no physical intimacy outside of marriage), and is marriage-minded. I already have 2 children with my ex-H. When my bf and I are together, he compliments me constantly and I feel very loved by him. He pays for all of our dates (even though I have a great job and have offered to help out). He also talks openly about a future together including marriage. We have been together now for about 5 months and the only problem we have had is some difficulty with him feeling stressed out about taking on a role in my childrens' lives (I totally understand this stress - it is a big deal to get to know 2 children and normal to have anxiety about how you will be accepted by them). But he loves kids and has even said that he'd like 4 or 5 of them (total - including my 2). So, the problem is he only invites me out about once a week. I have invited him to a few functions, but in general I allow him to set the pace of our relationship. I know he isn't seeing anyone else, and he tells me he loves me. Other than our once-a-week dates, he calls to chat with me each day for 10-20 minutes. Our chats are usually about interesting things like science or theology, which I love. But he isn't a huge phone conversationalist. I know part of the problem is that he has a demanding job, but I still would like to see him more often and I am feeling impatient. I tell him that I miss him, but I don't nag for more time or anything because I really do feel that the man should set the pace in a relationship. I try to just enjoy the time we have together and not think long-term, but his talk about marriage also has made me think about what I want too. I am wondering how someone as independent as he seems to be could actually consider marriage? Maybe someone who has been single for 30+ years likes a lot of alone time? How can someone like this adapt to having a wife and 2 stepkids? I am just not sure what to think about his approach to our relationship (i.e. discussing marriage but only seeing me once a week).
USMCHokie Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 So, the problem is he only invites me out about once a week. I have invited him to a few functions, but in general I allow him to set the pace of our relationship. I know he isn't seeing anyone else, and he tells me he loves me. Other than our once-a-week dates, he calls to chat with me each day for 10-20 minutes. Our chats are usually about interesting things like science or theology, which I love. But he isn't a huge phone conversationalist. I know part of the problem is that he has a demanding job, but I still would like to see him more often and I am feeling impatient. I tell him that I miss him, but I don't nag for more time or anything because I really do feel that the man should set the pace in a relationship. Read bolded above. If this is the case, then you really have no right to complain. The first step is to communicate...any meaningful relationship requires it from both sides...if you want to see him more than once a week, then tell him that! But if you absolutely refuse to do that, then either put up with once a week or find a new man that will do it without you telling him. Relationships require work, and it seems like you'd rather avoid that and put it all on him. So you get what you deserve. This is the modern era...some guys will still appreciate being the "man" of the relationship, but for the most part, the good guys nowadays like a woman that has a degree of initiative... It's interesting that you call it "nagging"...
Author MizzBella Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 USMCHokie, You certainly have good points. I have never done well with being more assertive in relationships - it doesn't seem natural to me and always seems to backfire on me anyway. I am not totally voiceless - I do let him know when I need something, but I also don't want to push for more than what he wants at the moment. I will try to stop feeling impatient and find other things to do with all my free time (like work out more and read).
deux ex machina Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 USMCHokie, You certainly have good points. I have never done well with being more assertive in relationships - it doesn't seem natural to me and always seems to backfire on me anyway. I am not totally voiceless - I do let him know when I need something, but I also don't want to push for more than what he wants at the moment. I will try to stop feeling impatient and find other things to do with all my free time (like work out more and read). You can state your desires in a calm, respectful way. Of course, you will want to do all of those things you care about that don't have anything to do with the relationship...at the same time, don't be shy about letting your feelings and thoughts about the direction of the r. get a fair hearing. If you don't tell him, he cannot know - and he's not a mind reader! You may be right, it may have backfired in the past, but those relationships were not with him. Fresh dynamic, all that. Good luck.
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